Monday, August 31, 2009

Money = madness?

Does being rich make you crazy, or does craziness make you rich?

Chicken?! Egg?! WHICH?

No but seriously this woman if fucking bananas. Downgrade.

Monday's grossness goes on.

Why do the UGHs have to continue today? Manic fucking Monday, indeed.

1. Disney is poised to buy Marvel for $4B. EPIC LAMENESS. I love both of these things separately; not at all together.

2. Women's magazines aren't selling at all lately; granted, while I don't read Ladies' Home Journal or Redbook, that shit still sucks for journalism as a whole.

3. Chris Brown continues to pretend he doesn't really remember beating up Rihanna and can't believe he was capable of that. Yup, you were. Too bad your sentence didn't make you capable of getting butt-raped in prison.

Sigh, what the fuck else is today gonna hold?

Lame news, Monday morning-style.

OK, so Google News gave me the following slivers of disappointment this morning. Thanks, Larry and Sergey!

I appreciate it, dudes.

Anyway. Sadness, coming at you -

1. Jenna Bush-now-Hager is going to be a correspondent for the "Today" show. No, she won't be commenting on how to party hard while underage or plan a big wedding on your daddy's dime. She'll be covering things she's passionate about, like "education, urban education, women and children's issues and literacy." Yeah, people who aren't journalists taking our jobs and shit! Cool. And I bet she's objective, too (whomp whomp).

2. Some kind of completely unnecessary and vaguely dumb feud went down at Coachella this weekend between M.I.A. and Tenacious D. Jack Black and Co. closed out the festival and filled the Beastie Boys' cancelled slot; M.I.A. tweeted about how she was bummed to go before them and wanted to see the Jewish rappers instead; Jack Black shrugged it off. Further evidence that Tweeter fucking sucks. NO ONE CARES WHAT POPULAR PEOPLE ARE THINKING AT ALL TIMES. We only want to know what you're wearing and what you look like having sex. Is that too much to ask?

3. "Bad Boys 3" might be in the works. Hollywood, you are awful.

+ Photo courtesy of Zimbio

Troll-dom, here I come!

Since when did American Eagle start making clothes that I actually like?

I find this an uncomfortable development. Like watching your parents do it. OK, that's never happened to me. But I've seen it look awkward on TV, and that basically means I lived through it.

Seriously, though. Those shirts, paired with these shoes ...

... would help me along the path of eventually looking like an Olsen twin.

And as much as that sickens me, I think I kind of want that. Oh, and their little fortune, too.

+ Photos courtesy of American Eagle, Urban Outfitters, Photobucket

Jack Dawson vs. James Cameron

Let's talk about how before "Inglourious Basterds" last night, they also showed trailers for "Avatar" and "Shutter Island." Because while I am wholly confident that "Shutter Island" will be fucking amazing ...

... and I still weep on the inside for its now-February release date, I don't know about "Avatar."

Granted, James Cameron is the man who made "The Terminator," "T2" and "Titanic" (all of which I probably love equally; don't judge me), but "Avatar" just looks goofy as fuck. And while the trailer tries real hard to make it majestic, I don't know if I buy it. I guess I'll have to wait until December to find out? But let's make this clear. I'm not paying to watch that shit (even though Sam Worthington, who was "Terminator Salvation," is a hot piece).

Internet piracy, here I come!

+ Photo courtesy LA Times

You know somethin', Utivich? I think this might just be my masterpiece.

Saw "Inglourious Basterds" tonight. Happy to say it was a triumphant return by Quentin Tarantino to the world of "fucking awesome shit that I'm happy I spent $10.50 on."

Pretty much the entire cast was sweet:

And Brad Pitt is the gem of my life.

No, seriously. He needs a brown girl in his child army, right? I'M HERE AND AVAILABLE. Maybe we can pull a Woody Allen/Soon-Yi deal? I'm fine with that, moral transgressions and all!

P.S. Call me.

+ Photos courtesy of GeekTyrant, The Insider

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Don't people have stylists?

Fug, as done by Shenae Grimes from "90210."

DOUBLE fug, as done by Anna Wintour. Isn't this woman supposed to be editor in chief of Vogue? This shit PAINS MY EYES.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo

The dumb blonde stereotype, reinforced yet again.

It's been practically a week since the Miss Universe pageant, and I'm still reeling from Heidi Montag's (I know she's changed her last name to Pratt since marrying Spender, but I refuse!) horrific performance. I'm not going to ruin all your lives by posting a video here, but I'm just going to say one thing:

Kristin Cavallari is an idiot.

She was always my least favorite character (yup, they're characters) on "Laguna Beach," and the fact that she's replacing Lauren Conrad on "The Hills" ensures that I'm never going to watch that shit again. "The bitch is back?" Yeah, right.

Anyway, so Cavallari told that she was really impressed by Heidi's performance and that "It reminded me of Britney Spears at the VMAs!" Huh. What an INSIGHTFUL and SUBTLE comparison to make. It's not like Heidi completely STOLE Britney's 2000 VMA performance or anything.

Here, let's compare:

Heidi's trickery:

Britney's then-greatness:

Sue the bitch, Britney!! Intellectual property could cover this, right?

Lastly, I love Anderson Cooper and his catty comments on the whole thing:

"[Heidi] twittered to congratulate herself and thanked God. I don't think God had anything to do with this production. If God had time to work on this production and thats the best he could do, we're all in trouble."

What a pimp.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo, MTV

Also into cats!

The mugshot of Patrick Stump, which was taken after he got arrested for driving without a license about a week ago, was awkward enough (prob most so because he's not wearing a hat. I remember reading in some interview that Patrick Stump the performer always wears hats, but Patrick Stump the real guy doesn't, but still, it's weird).

Anyway, but this picture I just found is AWFUL. SO. MUCH. BLOAT.

I mean, Patrick Stump was never hot or anything? But that shit is pretty Jabba-the-Hut-like.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Yahoo

Twilight strikes again! With lipgloss.

I'm pretty happy that my Robert Pattinson infatuation can now extend to cosmetics, too. Case in point: Twilight Lip Venom by DuWop.

I really like that DuWop explicitly says "this product should be shaken before use to represent the bleeding of the human and vampire worlds and applied repeatedly until lips are plumped, revitalized and the desired intensity of color has been reached."

Fucking hilarious. And totally necessary, so I can pucker up to Robert Pattinson:

And all his friends, too.

Yay, obsessive-compulsive behavior! It's my fave.

+ Photos courtesy of DuWop, EntertainmentWise

I think this fall is when I will turn into a biker/pirate hybrid.

So I wrote about really ugly boots a few days ago. Today, I made it my quest to find ones I would actually want to wear this fall. And by "quest," I mean I went on Urban Outfitters' website, looked in the "new shoes" category and got really excited. Predictability is what I do best.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Pour some champagne (supernova) out, I guess.

I feel like, as a music fan, I should really care about this.

But I absolutely don't. Look, it's been a decade and I still don't fucking know what a "wonderwall" is, and none of Oasis's albums have ever been as good as "What's the Story, Morning Glory." So my caring level? Pretty negative.

Although I do like that I could work "Don't Look Back in Anger" and "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" into comments about their break-up. That's fitting.

Some movie remakes really are worth it.

To quote Shakira, "AWHOO!

"The Wolfman" trailer is out and has completely consumed my life.

Benicio del Toro,

Hugo Weaving,

and Anthony Hopkins,

all in one place? So. Fucking. Excited. Now I just have to wait until February, when it comes out. Great ...

P.S. I did not know that "The Road" finally had a definite release date (Oct. 16!!), nor that it had an actual trailer out yet. Ballerlicious.

+ Photos courtesy of Filmonic, Collider

Learning new shit each day.

Here are three things I learned from Free People's website today:

1. Rivers Cuomo should have destroyed this sweater instead.

2. The reason why these pants are on sale is pretty self-explanatory.

3. Flats are always cute.

Good life lessons, I think.

+ Photos courtesy of Free People

Will this murderous summer ever end?

This is somewhat old news, but yeah, DJ AM died yesterday.

Friends hadn't heard from him in a few days, and lots of drug-related shit was found in his apartment. About a year ago is when DJ AM and Travis Barker survived that deadly airplane crash ...

... and I just have to say - how does that decision-making process work? Like, I can never even pretend to know what it's like to be in a life-threatening experience. But I don't get why, once you've survived something like that, you'd play with your life again, and basically throw it away.

I don't know how it works. I just know it's sad.

+ Photos courtesy of TopNews, Daily Blabber

Defending the Gypsies, Madonna-style.

I love high fashion; I think it's stupid and conceited and exorbitantly priced, but I also think some of those clothes can be staggering works of art that are mad fucking impressive. I'm not saying a Chanel dress is similar to a Dali painting or something, but I do think there are some undeniable talents in the fashion world.

But the industry as a whole, and the stupid shit it does to stay faux-hip, will always infuriate me. High fashion is a dream world, and it should stay that way - when it attempts to connect with the real world, it loses the illusion that drives it.

That's why things like this, a Vogue photo spread with Kate Moss where she supposedly "lived with the Gypsies" during the two day shoot, piss me the hell off.

This is a spread about bohemian fashion in the upcoming fall season. Linking expensive bleached denim vests and high-heels with the actual fucking problems that groups like the Gypsies have to deal with is egotistical shit, and touting the fact that Moss stayed with them for a couple of days is even more despicable.

Let's be real; I hope the Gypsies secretly jacked some of Vogue's shit. Is photographer Iain McKell missing a camera, or did Anna Wintour not get a dress back? That'd be boss.

+ Photos courtesy of Just Jared

Friday, August 28, 2009


I'm pretty sure I've watched every single show Bravo has put on in the past years, which is a testament to how crass and petty I like my television. If it's got cursing, boobs and stereotypical gay people, I'm in!

Which is why I'm so down with "The Rachel Zoe Project." I like clothes. I like obnoxious spending sprees. I love celebrity gossip. So ... the show, and its recently premiered second season, are all up on my to-do list.

And what I like most about this new season is the photo gallery on Bravo's website with a "What They're Wearing: Get the Look" feature. No, I'm not pressed on it because I have some kind of illogical fantasy about owning a Birkin bag. I just really, really like the Facebook-ready, mugshot-esque photos that are on display. For example:

Brad doing a sassy pose,

Taylor looking unsurprisingly pissed,

Rachel bearing a striking similarity to a succubus.

That all seems about right.

+ Photos courtesy of BravoTV

Head-shakingly distressing shit, indeed.

You know, sometimes, I just really fucking have no idea what to say. There are no words to fully grasp the ugliness of some stuff. And like, not even just the ugliness - but the sheer absurdity of the fact that someone thought this was a good idea, got other people to like it, convinced still more people to mass-produce it, and eventually got stores to stock it.

I just.

Cody Buckle Back Hidden Wedge Boot, $199


Ruby Gathered Hidden Wedge Boot, $99

Get it.

Bobbie Gathered Hidden Wedge Boot, $240

The only pair of shoes I like within 80%20's fall collection are these strappy half-wedges. They're kind of confusingly architectural, and I like that - and thankfully, they're not as overwhelmingly heavy-handed as the stuff above.

+ Photos courtesy of Karmaloop

Tonight's flickers of rage.

It's almost time for beddie-bye, but I should get rid of all this anger before it invades my dreams and I have nightmares about Squigs from Warhammer or something.

No, I do not play Warhammer! I'm a nerd, but not THAT much. If you must know, they made a Squig cake on "Ace of Cakes" tonight. Even as a baked good, still horrifying.

Anyway, here are my moments of incessant eye-rolling. Kind of like Jon Stewart's moment of zen, except with anger. So, the opposite of zen? That sounds about right.

1. No more "Reading Rainbow" after today. Sucks! I used to love that shit when I was a kid. I feel like people younger than me (i.e. born after 1990) don't watch any of the stuff we used to, like "Reading Rainbow" or "Sesame Street." They had Bratz dolls and Disney TV shows and probably grew up too fast. Me? I recently bought Sesame Street sneakers. That really tells you all you need to know.

2. CNN has confirmed Larry King's interview with Chris Brown will appear on "Larry King Live" on Sept. 2. Great! Now we can watch him snivel with his mom and lawyer in tow, both attempting pathetically to defend his honor. E! claims that shit was "no-holds-barred." Yeah, right. You know what else was no-holds-barred? That time Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna. Yup!

3. Variety reports that Fox is looking to make cult classic "Heathers" (one of my all-time fave films) into a TV series. WHY, PEOPLE? If this shit does happen, I really, really hope that Winona Ryder and Christian Slater boycott it, and don't take lame roles like Jennie Garth did on "90210." Do not pander, people! "Heathers" is too holy to be fucked with.

4. Bob Dylan is in talks with two major car companies to be the voice of their GPS systems, according to The Washington Post. Was selling out to Victoria's Secret - of all fucking places - not enough for the man? I don't get how a former folk activist goes down this road, really ... and I'm sure there's a GPS joke somewhere, but I'm not going to take it. Pass!

5. Looks like Gretchen and Slade, who were on two different seasons of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Orange County," are now dating. You know, it's not like Gretchen's way older fiancee Jeff died barely a year ago from cancer or anything. But, how could I forget? He left her $2.5 million. And last time I checked, Slade - who used to date former housewife Jo - was an insurance executive who ALSO loved money! Go fucking figure.

+ Photos courtesy of WarhammerInfo, Photobucket, Dlisted

All the way up, indeed.

If you've read this blog even once, you probably know about my rabid hate of Miley Cyrus. But when I've been forced to watch episodes of "Hannah Montana," one thing makes it vaguely tolerable (well, not "tolerable," but not "I want to destroy the entire world for allowing this to exist," either) - Emily Osment, little sister of Haley Joel (yup, the kid from "The Sixth Sense") and the girl who plays Lilly Truscott/Lola Luftnagle, Miley/Hannah's best friend.

Her and Mitchel Musso, who plays on-screen boyfriend Oliver, are the only redeeming aspects of that Disney slop - legitimately funny and with charming chemistry, they manage to outshine Cyrus at her own game.

Which is why I'm so intrigued about this, the possibility of Osment becoming a humongo pop star in the coming year or so. No, she's not a good singer, but are any of those pubescent skankbags? Nope. So yay, she's got a shot! If Avril Lavigne and Ashlee Simpson could do it, pretty sure she can - especially with all of Disney's weight behind her.

+ Photo courtesy of Yahoo Movies

Fashion is pain, huh?

I love that Patricia Field used to be in charge of the clothes on "Sex and the City" - she used to both make some of her items and chose the rest from a variety of designers like Christian Dior, Chanel, Marc Jacobs, the yooj. Carrie's wardrobe often veered into the insane - the Vivienne Westwood dress she chose for last summer's film, for example ...

... but you can't deny Field's lasting impact on America's fashion scene. She made Manolo Blahnik a household name, and I've lusted after Carrie's nameplate necklace ...

... for as long as I can remember.

Which is why Patricia Field's clothes on her website are sooo confusingly slutty. Maybe it's just because they're not in the "Sex and the City" context anymore and their full whoriness is totally, obviously on display, but it's simply ... not a good look.

At all.

Disco 3000 Metallic Mini-Dress, $48

Disco 3000 Cut-Out Strapless Dress, $48

Sultana Bronze Mini-Dress, $52

Wow. Just. Wow.

+ Photos courtesy of FashionInMotion, ShinyStyle, Patricia Field