Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me, part 2.

It may be raining outside, but I'm too lazy to go outside and check. It snowed this morning here in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, and I would like to go on record as saying, fuck that shit. I like snow and everything, but not when it's late March and April is right around the corner and at any point it should be sunny and delightful, not moody and gloomy and snowy.

Plus, when it gets charming and warm, I can wear things like this.

Opening Ceremony Violet cutout wedge sandals, $450

HA! Did you see that price tag? Yeah, I wish I could afford such crap. Unfortunately $450 is a shitton of money that I would immediately use to pay my heat and Verizon bills, not that I would feel good dropping on only one pair of shoes. No matter how weirdly curved they are. Or how wonderfully coral. Or strappy. I LOVE UNNECESSARY STRAPS ON THINGS.

Am I drying my tears? Obviously.

+ Photo courtesy of ShopBop

Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me, part 1.

Yes people, this will be a new weekly feature - and it's as obvious as the title suggests. "Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me" is basically every conversation I ever have with my roommate or best friend - I've learned to stop telling these things to my boyfriend lest he break up with me in disgust - so now you all can know about it, too.

For today, we get two versions of the same idiotically stupid thing that I for some reason inexplicably want. BEHOLD - sneakers shaped like teddy bears.

Oh yes, readers. They exist. And I want them.

Jeremy Scott x Adidas bear sneakers, $180


Jeremy Scott x Adidas panda bear sneakers, $180

There are so many common-sense issues with these shoes - they're fluffy and soft, so won't they get dirty immediately? how fucked will you be if it rains? didn't raves stop being cool like, 12 years ago? - and yet, my credit card yearns to break free of my wallet and run to Opening Ceremony so I can buy them. I'm going to control it, but I'm just saying, teddy bears are like my crack.

I'm like Monica, the shitty mom character from Showtime's version of "Shameless." New York magazine points out that "the woman who has little affection for her kids is a nut for teddy bears," and I agree; I despise children but love toys. You just don't get between me and a stuffed animal, unless you want to get stabbed. Add shoes into that mix, and you're basically asking for me to wage a jihad on you if you get in my way.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony

Things that are ugly.

They're ugly. Laugh at them. I did.

Victoria's Secret pleather bathing suit, $58 and $30

It seems to me like a fake leather bathing suit would heat up like some shit when under the sun. Also, it looks terrible. The model does not, but dear god I can only imagine some faux-goth middle schooler wearing this at the beach. Gross.

Leather harness top, $300

I honestly have no words that could further describe the ugliness. What is the purpose of a leather harness? Who would actually wear this? Are you suddenly trying out to be a member of Interpol, to replace Carlos D.? Because no. Just no.

Gladiator sandals with bows, $297

Because chafing is really what you want this summer.

+ Photos courtesy of Victoria's Secret, Need Supply

Paris Fashion week, donezo.

This year's first Paris Fashion week, which showcases designers' autumn and winter collections, is donezo, which basically means nothing to most people (unless you've heard about Dior firing its head designer, John Galliano, for a video surfacing of him talking about how much he likes Hitler). I really only care because I love clothes (duh) and it's fun to look at all the shoes.

The Cut did a wrap-up of some of the shoes used in the week's various shows, and I picked out the ones I like AND the ones I'm guessing are going to show up on Lady Gaga any day now, because who the fuck else would wear designer couture shoes like it ain't no big thang? (She has her own shoe designer, by the way. So jealous.)

I am not approving of her insanity, by the way. Let that be clear. I'm JUST SAYING, I fully expect to see these in a video soon.

+ Alexander McQueen: Gaga has worn lots of the recently passed's designer's shoes before, like in the "Bad Romance" video, so she has to wear these, right?


+ Mugler: Those stilettos look like death. But I'm sure Gaga will wear them just to prove she can. Bitch!


+ Gareth Pugh: Because they are bondage-y. Gaga loves bondage-y.


Or Rihanna would wear them; she also flirted with that look back in the day and in the recent "S&M" video.



Remember? Oh and yeah she totally deserves to get sued for that video. Get your money David LaChapelle!

For little old me, however, I like these more. If I had drawers full of money I could just pull open and throw at people to get what I want, this is what I would want. And get.

+ Miu Miu: The heel looks like they would annihilate a person. But glitter! And shiny!


I've been somewhat obsessed with their shoes since I discovered the sparrow mary janes from the spring/summer 2010 collection. I would never dream of buying them because of their insanely expensive price tag, but I still covet them. Especially in black and pink.



Obviously.

+ Yves Saint Laurent: I like yellow. That's really the only reason.


+ Photos courtesy of The Cut, itsdenise.wordpress.com, lookville.com

Wanted. So badly wanted.

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT.

Abbey by Sam Edelman, $190


Lorissa by Sam Edelman, $200


Xanadu in Apricot Cheetah by Jeffrey Campbell, $190

GIMME!

If this summer is the summer of jeggings, I fear the next few months.

I have a lot of criteria when it comes to buying shoes. And by "a lot of criteria," I mean if they're shiny or have a platform heel or are made by Jeffrey Campbell or in any way would offend my boyfriend, I'd buy them.

But I'm thinking that if a pair of shoes is advertised as being "a great option for ... the hot jeggings trend," that's not a good sign. I mean, firstly, because the shoes look like this:

Bayles, Nine West Vintage America Collection, $129

... They're ugly. And secondly, who can honestly wear jeggings? They often look this:


Together, I see a match made in fugtastic heaven.

+ Photos courtesy of Nine West, Socks 'N' Knicks

I long for the day Kobe Bryant dies.

In light of the Phoenix Suns' heartbreaking loss tonight, there are no words for Kobe Bryant besides, "Fuck that guy."

To ease my pain, mainly because I harbor absurdly affectionate/romantic feelings toward Suns' players Steve Nash and Goran Dragic ...


... I'm going to consider buying dumb shoes. That's not an action I reserve just for horrible post-season losses, but it seems applicable at the moment.

High Sandal by Bernard Willhelm x Camper, $160


Tin Shoe by Jeffrey Campbell, $222

Yeah, those seem like an ugly enough reflection of my rage right now. Velcro and plated metal, it's how I do.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony, Karmaloop, BleacherReport

Window shopping on the Web.

If you've even read like, 20 words on this blog, you'll know that I adore shoes. I do. Really and truly. I could go for any of these:

Rachel Comey Badger Ankle Wrap Clog, $445


Aldo Rosenlof, $90


Finsk Black/Pink Wedge Boot, $598 (ESPECIALLY these)


United Nude Black Frame Triangle Heel, $498 (OMG these too)

However, I don't think you could do anything to get me to wear these. Srsly. I promise. They're just ... so much fringe, right? Like, the kind that would uncomfortably tickle your foot.

Lace Up Wedge with Fringe by Tsumori Chisato in cream or black, $540



... Yup, that's the kind of thing that bothers me. Fringe. I'm so awful.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony, Aldo, OakNYC

Um, isn't ...

... Gwen Stefani supposed to be fashionable?


If so, then what the fuck is this outfit? A wrinkly, almost ill-fitting satin dress? Footless opaque tights with open-toed shoes? WHITE TIGHTS, no less?

I don't understand; perhaps she is slipping. After all, Harajuku Lovers, her fashion line, did just release these. And holy fuck, they are ugly.

Kyle Shoe by Harajuku Lovers, $40

I'm thinking a descent into badness has begun for Stefani. Do people remember this?


I fear a return. A HORRIBLE RETURN.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Karmaloop, GetFrank

Sam Worthington wore these while filming, didn't he.

Isn't the whole point of a sandal not to make you sweaty and gross?

Vic Matie 5388, $468


Vic Matie 5376, $398

I don't think the person who designed these "Clash of the Titans"-looking monstrosities got the memo.

+ Photos courtesy of LorisShoes

Well, I just dunno.

I often have super-strong opinions about things. Like, how much I fucking hate Miley Cyrus for saying her dream boyfriend is Kurt Cobain. Bitch, you are retarded and like, two decades late.

But on these, I'm not so sure ... like, I understand their merit. But I'm also bummed.

1. James Cameron confirms he's going to update "Titanic" with 3-D effects and release the film in 2012, the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking. Sigh. Why, James Cameron, why? I'm watching "Titanic" now on TNT and it's perfectly fine.


It's actually quite good. Is this just another attempt to get the No. 1 film in the world - like, have 3-D "Titanic" be No. 1, and then "Avatar" be No. 2, and then regular "Titanic" at No. 3? God, James Cameron, you're the worst.

2. I guess I'm late on this, but I didn't know that Christopher Nolan is actively working on a "Superman" film. Apparently it would be like "Batman Begins" and somewhat of a departure from all the previous "Superman" flicks, and I'm OK with that, because some of them are horrible (ahem, "Superman Returns"). But I just can't see the kind of dark, macabre tone from "Batman Begins" adapted to the shiny, staunchly uptight world of "Superman."


And yeah, I know that story also mentions that a third "Batman" film is still being discussed, but I want all Michael Caine and Christian Bale, all the time! I'm not even going to bring up Heath Ledger, cuz I'll weep. Yup, I feel the tears now.

3. I have the Jeffrey Campbell Tick, so I can't pretend that I totally hate these. But they're just ... so confusing.

Giggle Tick Shoe by Jeffrey Campbell, $200

So many cut-outs! So much pleather! I feel nauseous. And am determinedly not reaching for my credit card.

+ Photos courtesy of Fanpop, ObsessedwithFilm, Karmaloop

Oh, to be a silly fashion designer ...

Really ugly clothes are always my FAVORITE.

Your Biggest Fan Jacket by sass and bide, $448

Yup, that back looks practical.

Flamingo Skirt by Nightcap Clothing, $264

For your next time pretending to be Janis Joplin.

Neo High Top Sneakers by Ash, $140

Peep-toe denim sneakers ... three words that should never, ever go together. Ever.

+ Photos courtesy of ShopBop

So. Much. Red.

I understand the concept of matching your hair to your shoes.


But I think Kat Von D, who showed up at an event Thursday celebrating the 15th anniversary of the Victoria's Secret Swim Catalogue, has taken this ... too seriously.

+ Photo courtesy OMG! Yahoo

Do blue and grey go with anything in my closet?

Fringe-y cobalt blue sandals? Nah, I'm good.

Suede Ankle Fringe Sandals by Industry, $206

Vintage-inspired cobalt blue high heels? Yes please!

Leather/Suede Wooden Heels, $206

+ Photos courtesy of 80s Purple

No, I didn't like Marilyn Manson.

I had this horribly long portion of my middle-school years where I really, really wanted to be a Goth kid, so I wore lots of black and listened to the Smiths hours on end and cried a lot over gallons of ice cream. Yup, I hate me, too.

But now that I'm older, and somewhat/maybe/a little bit wiser, and actually wear colors, I think I can revisit that part of my life with a sense of humor, no? Enough humor to pull off these:

X-Ray Thigh High Socks, $24


Crochet Skull Skirt, $86


Catrin Trapunto Three Band Sandals by Frye, $218


Makena sandals by Rachel Roy, $109

I mean, I think any faux-Goth look will be better than this travesty on Mischa Barton ...


... which may be a modified version of this dress now on sale at ShopBop. I'm not sure.

Love Dress by Temperley London, $1,195

Either way, though, I'm not giving it a seal of approval. TOO nasty.

+ Photos courtesy of NastyGalVintage, ShopBop, GoFugYourself

From Hilton to Harlow.

I feel like among all the trashy socialites/famous celebrity spawn in Hollywood, I have to respect Nicole Richie. She used to be a trashbox who looked like this and hung out with Paris Hilton; now she's a respectable adult in a stable relationship with Joel Madden (of all fucking people) and the mother of two daughters, including 2-year-old Harlow, who apparently goes to toddler exercise classes, which I find hilarious:


And she also has an accessory line, House of Harlow, which is named after her first daughter. But there's something about the shoes in the line, which recently were released, that are just not doing it for me:

Pearl Scaled Leather Heel, $225


Rooney Strappy Heel, $225


Misha Boot, $275


Tan Maddie Moccasin Bootie, $225

Kind of janky, no? They kind of ooze Forever 21 to me, especially the latter two. Like, the first two? OK, if they were free, I'd wear them. But the others, not even a bargain bin price could get those on my feet. But like ... I still approve of Nicole Richie's life. Not everyone can bounce back from Paris Hilton unscathed, you know?

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Kitson