Monday, May 31, 2010

People who do ecstasy say what?

People STILL go to raves? I had no fucking idea. But apparently, yeah, a crapton of people took some drugs and overdosed and now they might all be dying after some rave in Santa Clara, Calif.

My favorite part of the story, though, is this:

"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."

So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...

And indulge in greasy hamburgers ...

And stalk Lindsay Lohan as she traipses around with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet?

I mean, I know that's what I would do. Obviously. I'm paunchy and love celebrities. DUH.

+ Photos courtesy of MazeofThoughts, Flickr, TMZ

The bunny one is horrifying, right?



Completely believable!

A fantastic knockoff of this, really:

I always feel so conflicted about these things, especially knowing that something I'm buying is a direct copy of something more expensive that I can't afford. It's kind of depressing. I mean, really, it just makes me upset that I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on a ring. Yup, that's the superficially materialistic long and short of it.

+ Photos courtesy of Aldo, ShopBop

Hats? This summer? Really?

Do people still wear hats? I know fedoras have been making a comeback for a few years, but ... I don't know about all this Easter-colored, pastal-drenched shit.

Confusing, really. If this is because of Sarah Jessica Parker's willingness to wear dumb hats ...

... then I hate everyone involved in this fashion decision.

+ Photos courtesy of Aldo Shoes, OMG! Yahoo

I still have hating Miley on lock. But now it's mixed with tears of nerdiness.

Uh, my heart is broken: Guillermo del Toro has quit as director of "The Hobbit" film adaptation, which was supposed to come out in 2012.

According to a statement posted online yesterday, del Toro said:

"In light of ongoing delays in the setting of a start date for filming ‘The Hobbit,’ I am faced with the hardest decision of my life. After nearly two years of living, breathing and designing a world as rich as Tolkien’s Middle Earth, I must, with great regret, take leave from helming these wonderful pictures."

Tears. Spasms of grief. Ever since del Toro, who I will forever love because of "Pan's Labyrinth" and "The Devil's Backbone" and yes, even "Blade II," signed on with "The Hobbit," I literally squealed with fangirl glee every time I thought about it. So ... my sadness is fairly high. Pathetically high, sure, but also FAIRLY HIGH.

You know, these pictures of del Toro and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson mean nothing now.

Where's my fucking Kleenex?! And my box set of "Lord of the Rings?" I now have something to do after this "Law and Order" marathon is over.

P.S. Don't worry, this sadness won't hamper my hatred of Miley Cyrus, especially when she dresses like this.


+ Photos courtesy of The Examiner, This Recording, US Magazine

Ciara's ability to gyrate her torso is mesmerizing.

I have always felt like Ciara is trying to claw her way to the top of the R&B heap, and I feel like if she could, she would rip out Rihanna's eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.

But in terms of just straight-out fucking crazy, Kelis wins, right? Watch these three videos: Rihanna does the whole fake lesbian thing with "Te Amo," Ciara astounds with her ability to booty-pop in "Ride" and Kelis ... well, bitch is just insane. I get that her and Nas just got their divorce finalized, but he is supposed to pay $44,000 a MONTH in child support! I feel like when you're sitting on that kind of money, you shouldn't be in this fucking weird. The world doesn't need another Lady Gaga.

Rihanna, "Te Amo" -

Ciara, "Ride" -

Kelis, "Acapella" -

Wanted. So badly wanted.





Sunday, May 30, 2010

Comics are always better than Carrie.

Dear this weekend,

Despite the fact that you are a three-day endeavor, I am not excited about your existence. Mainly because you allowed the following abominations of nature to happen. Let me explain.


- Me.

1. Miley Cyrus again claims she doesn't listen to pop music, this time wrapped in an interview where she bashes "Glee" but also attempts to convince us that her music is not just "glitz and glamour." "A lot of [pop] songs are super shallow, but this music isn't," she insists of her upcoming album, "Can't Be Tamed."

See, here's where I get confused: I'm pretty sure that dressing like a humongous slut and gyrating onstage to covers of bands you don't know - if she knows who the Runaways are, I will fucking swear off ice cream or something - is "super shallow."

Stupid hypocritical bitch!!

2. And then in MORE Miley-related news, she awkwardly suggests onstage that she's not at all over Nick Jonas. In introducing a song describing their break-up, she goes, "They're always gonna come back together no matter what anyone says or the bad people that try to keep you apart. Surprise surprise, it's about a Jonas brother." Hold the phone, people - I'm pretty sure that her current boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is way better looking than that Jonas kid, but even still. Shame on anyone for dating that trashbox.

3. I guessed a few days ago that Heidi leaving Spencer was really just so they could get another TV show after "The Hills" ends this year, and sadly enough, that guess is coming true: Old "Hills" castmate Jennifer Bunney claims that she and Heidi are getting a house together in Malibu this summer and are filming a new reality show. For anyone who gives a fuck, Bunney was in Lauren Conrad's inner circle with Heidi ...

... Before she tried to fuck around with Brody Jenner, pissing off LC and basically getting her kicked out of the clique. So it makes sense that she and Heidi, both now scum on LC's shoes, would be teaming up together. Oh, the memories, when they both looked normal ...

4. "Sex and the City 2," which was pretty universally panned by critics, brings in $46.3 million so far after opening Wednesday at midnight. No, I'm not angry that the film didn't make enough money, I'm pissed that it made so much. Seriously, can someone put the crones away?

Like, I'm supposed to believe this was a flashback to when Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie arrived in New York City in the '80s? Oh, OK. I guess leathery and weathered was in back then.

5. And lastly, no more "Iron Man" appearances until "The Avengers," according to director Jon Favreau. Sadness. As simple as that.

+ Photos courtesy of The Hollywood Gossip, Zimbio, 80MillionMoviesFree

If this summer is the summer of jeggings, I fear the next few months.

I have a lot of criteria when it comes to buying shoes. And by "a lot of criteria," I mean if they're shiny or have a platform heel or are made by Jeffrey Campbell or in any way would offend my boyfriend, I'd buy them.

But I'm thinking that if a pair of shoes is advertised as being "a great option for ... the hot jeggings trend," that's not a good sign. I mean, firstly, because the shoes look like this:

... They're ugly. And secondly, who can honestly wear jeggings? They often look this:

Together, I see a match made in fugtastic heaven.

+ Photos courtesy of Nine West, Socks 'N' Knicks

I'm rereading The Great Gatsby ASAP.

Can't decide if this is hilarious or just gross.

Probably both. Probably should buy it. It can hang out next to my Prose Before Hos shirt.

I'm sure they'd be friends.

+ Photos courtesy of Etsy, BustedTees

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I long for the day Kobe Bryant dies.

In light of the Phoenix Suns' heartbreaking loss tonight, there are no words for Kobe Bryant besides, "Fuck that guy."

To ease my pain, mainly because I harbor absurdly affectionate/romantic feelings toward Suns' players Steve Nash and Goran Dragic ...

... I'm going to consider buying dumb shoes. That's not an action I reserve just for horrible post-season losses, but it seems applicable at the moment.

Yeah, those seem like an ugly enough reflection of my rage right now. Velcro and plated metal, it's how I do.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony, Karmaloop, BleacherReport

Come on, Steve Nash!!

Watching this Suns game. Trying not to throw things at the TV whenever Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest does anything. Literally, wish death upon both of those douches.

Other things pissed me off this week, sure ...

1. Miley Cyrus isn't going to college. Duh, she already knows everything about the way of the world: be a slut and you'll win. Fucking trashbox. And why go to college and pursue higher education when that worked out so well for other pop stars, like Britney Spears?

... Oh, right. She looks like that now. Oops. I DO wish this frumpery on Miley Cyrus! Keep being an ignorant hillbilly, you slut!

2. Those stupid Salahis continue to beat around the bush regarding how stupid it was for them to crash an official White House event. And then maybe tried to crash another one earlier this week. I can't wait for the two of them to appear on "Real Housewives of D.C.," because I really need an inside look at their crazy.

3. Heidi is supposedly leaving Spencer. Why do I smell a spin-off of "The Hills" brewing?

4. Lindsay Lohan asks Chanel to make her alcohol-monitoring bracelet more of an accessory and less of a court-ordered mandate. Because when you're a young celebrity whose life is in shambles, why not try to make a sign of your addiction just another pretty bauble? That seems logical, really.

5. A variety of studies show that today's college students are less empathetic than previous generations. Oh, so all the technology and drinking and the lack of a draft have made people care less about conflict and others' emotions? Huh. Who would have fucking thunk.

Anyway, seriously, fuck these guys. I hope this picture is an example of the two passing a communicable disease or something. One which causes them to lose to the Suns ...

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Zimbio

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I can't afford any of these clothes, so time to bash them.

Who the fuck was letting these women out of the house and to the "Night of Fashion & Technology with LG Mobile Phones" in Los Angeles on Monday? (That seems like the stupidest, most contrived event ever, or at least this week, but still.)

But really, Jessica Simpson's breasts are sagging like all hell, and she's wearing wings on her hips. This is helping her insistence that she's a size 4 how, exactly?

I know that Katharine McPhee's top and capri pants are both from designer Alice + Olivia, but she looks like an Old Navy mannequin working corners in Las Vegas with that overly shiny get-up.

And Rashida Jones's blouse, jeans and fringed boots all look like they're fighting for possession of her body and can't decide who's going to win the bout. It's fucking May in L.A. Why the fuck is ANYONE wearing suede boots and tight long jeans? Oh, and it's pathetic that her muumuu-like shirt is the most in-season apparel she's got on. Wear a dress, woman!

... OK, just not Anna Kendrick's dress. No one is attending a funeral here, it's a party held by a cell phone company. Shit ain't that serious.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Kat Von D is still dating Bam Margera, but this is a win in my book.

You know, I think it's pretty interesting that Kat Von D, well-known fan of crazy hair colors and vagina-flashing leggings (and apparently strange posed pictures with Nick Cannon) ...

... looks better than most other people at E!'s 20th birthday bash Monday at the London Hotel in West Hollywood. Especially when compared to Kelly Rowland, who used to be in Destiny's Child and made millions of dollars with one of the hottest girl-groups ever and yet can't seem to wear a suit that doesn't make her look like a fucking pile of vomit some kid threw up after eating too much Halloween candy.

And don't make a face, we've all done it. All fat kids are the same! It's our life's burden - we cry, eat, repeat. It's a system.

I'm sure Khloe knows what I'm talking about. I'm guessing Quick Trim just pays for her to wear Spanx and whore products out with Kim, because ... I mean, that seems a lot easier than exercising.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

You've missed my rants, right?

I haven't updated in a while, so I've had a few weeks to gather an array of stupid things to barrage you with. Seriously, so dumb/gross/both.

1. Sephora is selling a lotion made of goat's milk - yup, "Goat Milk Body Lotion" is going for $32 a bottle. I know us women-folk do a lot of weird stuff to ourselves, like rub eggs in our hair and dead babies on our faces (I think I'm joking about that), but how is it at all appealing to slather the milk of a goat all over yourself? Also, it's getting lots of positive reviews on Sephora's website. Crazy bitches! What's next, something else totally random like hippo saliva? I'm calling patent on that shit.

2. Designer Anzevino & Florence has created a garment called the "Women's Air Mattress," and it's being sold for $350. Oh, and it looks like this.

Yeah, I'll pass. And so should EVERY OTHER PERSON. I don't think it's a good idea to buy an article of clothing that is named after a PUFFY, THICK MAT that you sleep on. Somehow, I think that might send the wrong message to people you're trying to impress/sleep with. "Want to lay on me? I'm wearing a dress/coat called the 'Air Mattress'" just doesn't seem that fucking ladylike.

3. Jesse James says he sabotaged his own marriage to Sandra Bullock because he was abused as a child and thought she would eventually find out and leave him anyway. Right, because then that gives you free license to go fuck a bunch of skanky whores who may be Nazi sympathizers and certainly are fuggos. Oh, OK. Well, that makes sense. Or, you know, you're a fucking douche. I'm leaning toward that last one.

4. USA Today interviews Jake Gyllenhaal about his upcoming flick, "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time," and writes a thought-provoking expose (heavy, heavy sarcasm there) about how hard it was for him to master a British accent. Really? Because ancient Persians DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE BRITISH ACCENTS, YOU ASSHOLES. I love how not once in the story there's a line like, "Hey readers, by the way, everyone starring in this movie has British accents just because they all happen to be British in real life, not because the people who lived in this ancient culture we're raping to create our stupid movie actually had voices like that."

And maybe another line saying something like, "Also, whomever is taking part in the creation of this film is a huge ignorant dickbag." At least that would be objective.

5. OK, and this last one is just disgust toward myself, not the rest of the world: The winner of this season's "The Biggest Loser" lost 264 pounds over the course of the show. Seriously? And my fat ass can't get off the couch to go to the gym because yet another episode of "Law and Order" that I've probably seen anyway is on TV? Ugh ... so much self-hate! How about if I say I was abused as a child, will that make it OK? (That was probably too soon. Whomp whomp.)

+ Photo courtesy of 80s Purple

Heterosexual crushes are healthy and normal; what else is a bromance, anyway?

So I'm developing quite a girl-crush on Michelle Williams, and I just thought the world should be aware. Yes, I watched "Dawson's Creek," and yes, I wanted both her dress and her life when she was with Heath Ledger and they went to the Oscars together.

But since his death, she seems to be coping nicely and raising their daughter Matilda pretty lovingly - how fast Matilda has grown up has really thrown me off; here's them in 2009.

But anyway, Williams is starring in a movie with Ryan Gosling way later this year, "Blue Valentine," and is showing up to events looking like this (while promoting the film at Cannes Film Festival this past week):

And this (at the amFAR Cinema Against AIDS Gala, also at Cannes):

I'd like that haircut, those dresses and shoes and the affectionate embrace she seems to be sharing with Gosling, please (they're not dating, but still). Plus, the kind of strength to go through what happened with Ledger and keep on living is also pretty respectable. Props, lady. Especially when hot messes like Lindsay Lohan are still on the loose. Bitch is crazy! Williams is not. It's refreshing, I promise.

+ Photos courtesy of Zimbio, OMG! Yahoo, GoFugYourself

I dress stupidly enough already, so looking like a cartoon toddler isn't that much of a stretch.

It's getting to feel like summer here in Maryland, which makes sense since a. it's almost Memorial Day, the official beginning of the season, and b. Montgomery County seems to be built on a fucking humongous swamp whose main goal is to ruin my hair and make-up and general happiness. And while I live in Prince George's County, it's MoCo's neighbor and the weather often likes to take a shit on my life. Thanks, humidity.

So while I know that I will sweat through whatever I wear (I know, I'm real classy like that) these upcoming few months, I can't help but buy into marketing and totally want these dresses from Jeremy Scott. Part of his "Flintstones"-inspired line, they basically make me want to grab a club and throw a bone in my hair and go inflict damage on some mosquitoes. Fuck those little bitches.

And for when I'm feeling fancy:

I've already blogged about the shoes in the last picture. Of course I want them. If you're surprised by that, don't read this blog; it won't suit you. Are you a mosquito? Go fuck yourself.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony

So, about that ...

Things that should be vaguely offensive:

Rihanna in blackface,

and Beyonce mimicking 1950s white culture.

And I don't mean that because like, OH NO, A BLACK WOMAN CAN'T CREATE ALLUSIONS TO MARILYN MONROE, but more like, what? Where is this fascination of hers with Bettie Page and and Monroe coming from all of a sudden? I just don't get it.

Or maybe I'm too cracked out to form coherent thoughts. Sleep, come to me! Seriously, I want that.

P.S. I must add that I find it seriously creepy to see Rihanna all dolled up in pleather and BDSM-themed gear, and then see her dressed like Slash a few seconds later. What? You're telling me that Def Jam could call up Travis Barker and have him randomly appear in this video, but not actually have the guitarist featured on the damn song show up? Bad form, people.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Fucking GROSS.

All I have to fucking say is, who thinks to themselves, "I want to grow up and be a sexy crow? CAW!! CAW!!"

Because if you think that, fuck you. And fuck Miley Cyrus, too.

P.S. I'm not even going to point out the blatant stupidity of Cyrus singing about how she can't be tamed ... and then she's still in the fucking cage. Patriarchy? Misogyny? Retardery? I don't even have any other words that end in "y" that FULFILL MY RAGE.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Disney, why can you give me Tron and yet ALSO THIS?

God, every time I see a commercial for "Prince of Persia: Sands of Time," a little more of me gets righteously pissed off for my people. The first two video games in the franchise, "Prince of Persia" and "Prince of Persia: The Shadow and the Flame," were so awesome! Stupid and still bigoted, but awesome!

And while I understand that this movie is based off the 2003 version of the video game, it still looks ... well, just FUCKING BIGOTED AND STUPID. A LOT OF BOTH. ALL AT ONCE. WITH A DISNEY STAMP OF APPROVAL.

Let's dissect:

1. British accents? Really? We're going to pretend Britain had already started raping Iran all those centuries ago? Because they hadn't. Yes, they had relations (pretend that didn't sound sexual), but that doesn't mean Iranians were sounding like cockney assholes. And while I understand that this movie has to be in English, can't we just NOT have colonial accents? Is that too much to ask?

2. Ben Kinglsey? FOR SHAME.

3. Belly dancers. Oh, awesome. Well, it's good to know that sluttiness is indicative of Iranians in both "300" (here's a picture of the skanky dancers doing their thing in "300," but if it's too blurry for you, that's a scantily clad woman thrusting her crotch up at some dude) and in this movie. ... Don't make a joke about me being an example of that, too. Fuck you guys.

4. Prince "Dastan"? The dangerous"Assassins" group? I find the forced, horribly trite Iranian touches of this film - like "dastan," which means "story" in Farsi, and the Assassins, who are lamely based off the very real Hashshashin sect of awesomely crazed fanatics - even more offensive than the British-ness and the sluttiness. OK, maybe not more than the British-ness. But STILL.


I'm going to seethe somewhere.


SO disappointed today. For so many reasons.

1. David Boreanaz, who stole my heart by playing Angel on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" all those years ago, admits to cheating on his wife. That's him, looking dreamy.

I guess he gets points for honesty and for not allowing the situation to become Tiger Woods- or Jesse James-like? But ... he still cheated. IT'S BREAKING MY HEART.

2. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz continue to look like total douches when attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend ...

... and while "hiking" in Los Angeles after returning from the race.

I put "hiking" in quotations because I fucking refuse to believe that these people exerted any kind of energy while wearing Converse sneakers and jeans, AND ALSO TEXTING. That's like, the most uncomfortable, illogical "hiking" situation ever, so disbelief, you are all up in my face right now.

3. NBC approves another show from J.J. Abrams. You may immediately think, "Hypocritical bitch, but you LOVE 'Lost'!" And yes, that's true. But I really don't like that this show sounds like a "Mr. and Mrs Smith" rip-off: "Undercovers, about a married couple of former spies lured out of retirement by the CIA," is how USA Today describes its premise. BOO. Do people not remember how lame "Felicity" was, which Abrams was also responsible for? Come on.

4. Some woman attacks people in a California Target, stabbing the fuck out of them for no reason. ALL I DO IS SHOP AT TARGET. THIS IS A HORRIBLE DEVELOPMENT FOR SOCIETY. Like, what was her motive? Pissed off at the low prices? Angry at the aisles and aisles of well-organized merchandise? UGHH.

5. Lastly, Kendall Jenner may be only 14 and only half Kardashian, but god, her wardrobe choices are really making me hate her already.

16-year-old Ali Lohan, you have met your dressing-far-too-old-for-her-age, on-the-road-to-crack match. FIGHT!

+ Photos courtesy of TIME, OMG! Yahoo

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Things I like, round-up edition.

It's Sunday night, I have to go back to work tomorrow, yet another five days of my life will pass by, etc. To help ease that transition, here are a few things I'm psyched about. Literally, ecstatic. JUMPING OFF THE WALLS.

OK, not jumping off the walls. But still pretty excited. Rebounding off the walls? That still makes me sound crazy. ... Fuck it, this has gone on too long.

1. New stills from "Tron Legacy" have been released. I'm specifically feeling this one.

If this movie sucks, Disney will pay. You may think I'm joking, but I could know people. I am brown, after all.

2. Alec Baldwin says he will host the season finale of "SNL." This isn't too surprising because he's hosted the show a million times before, but he gets funnier every time I watch "30 Rock," so this sounds good to me. Plus, any host is better than Gabourey Sidibe.

Seriously. So unfunny.

3. Conan O'Brien continues to be a folk hero with his appearance on "60 Minutes" tonight, which wasn't too heart attack-causing - he doesn't like, tell Jay Leno to eat a dick or anything - but it was both depressing to see him seem so broken (I think it's the beard) and yet pleasing because he's still funny and witty and charming. Here's a write-up with some quotes; interview in two clips in HD below.

4. lists some of the weirdest new food products and accessories out there, and some things on the list really sound awesome. I knew about brown Kumato tomatoes already, but alcohol-laced whipped cream? Edible spray paint? If I cooked, I would be way more excited about this stuff, but for now, my happiness level seems appropriate for a person who only knows how to microwave frozen dinners. I don't even know how to use a toaster oven. ... Yeah. :-/

5. I learned today that all those nail polish colors I've wanted from Chanel - Jade, Particuliere - are online at Chanel's own website, which you can buy stuff from directly. How did I not know this?! For months I've been trolling eBay, hating on assholes who are trying to sell these bottles of nail polish for as much as $70 each. Fuck that! Those days are over! Plus, those temporary tattoos Chanel made last season?

Yup, the website has those too. There goes my next paycheck. I EVEN HAVE REAL TATTOOS AND YET I WANT THESE. God, I'm awful.

6. Urban Outfitters has very "Marie Antoinette"-like furniture that I would totally be buying if all I had to do all day was, much like Kristen Dunst does in that movie, eat pastries and buy shoes. I mean, I do those things anyway? But like, while "working." So ... a lime green couch and frilly chair don't seem that reasonable.

Nevertheless, I lust.

7. And lastly, is it creepy to still be obsessed with Roald Dahl after all these years? No? OK, good.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, On Sugar, Urban Outfitters, Delias