Things I'm torn about, part I.

OK, that title is misleading. I'm always torn about things. Should I buy everything from Illamasqua's Toxic Nature collection now, when it's only offered in Britain and therefore costs a shitton because our conversion rate into pounds sucks, OR wait until Sephora eventually carries it at hopefully cheaper prices? Should I eventually watch the HBO movie about Sarah Palin and John McCain, or will it just make me want to vomit all over my TV? And, should I really be reading these spoilers about the new season of "True Blood," therefore ruining my joy when it finally comes back in June?!@! Decisions, DECISIONS.

Anyway, here's some other stuff that has got me all rankled today. (P.S. Did you know "wrankles" are supposedly the wrinkles on a penis? Hey, it's what UrbanDictionary told me.)

1. These hearings from the House Homeland Security Committee on "radical Islam," organized by chairman Peter King (R-N.Y.). I don't really like talking about politics or religion because it inevitably becomes a screaming match full of ignorance and blatant bigotry, but reading the Post's recaps of what's happening is making me real emotional. It's tough to hear all these Muslims talking about how fucked up the country is and how torn they are regarding how much they have to defend themselves and their beliefs, and as the child of two Iranian Muslim immigrants I've been in some crappy situations before, so I understand the pain there. It's just sad. America makes me sad. Let's not forget that King is the same guy who said "There are too many mosques in this country," because, you know, that's fucking tolerant.

2. Changing subjects, apparently the world's youngest grandmother is 23. ROMANIA WHAT. I AM 23. The idea of an 11-year-old having a child is pretty insane - just like this story that the New York Times recently reported about an 11-year-old being gang-raped. (Jezebel says all the interviews in the story seemingly sympathize with the rapists, which is true, but I must say that quoting people who are biased doesn't necessarily make a story biased, people.) Anyway, if the U.S. made a TV show about the Romanian granny, they couldn't even call it "Teen Mom" - it would have to be "Tween Mom." And that just blew my mind.

3. Did anyone know that a Terp is going to be on the next season of "The Real World," the return to Las Vegas? I don't know who he is, but apparently we have a friend in common on Facebook, meaning I can grab this photo of him:


Wiki tells me Michael Ross, 23, "is a conservative" and "the president of the UMD Students against National Healthcare" group. MTV tells me he's a "beer pong pro, and all around nice guy" who has had to struggle with family hardship when his mother got sick with cancer. That sucks, I must admit. BUT I hope to watch all of his morals eventually chip away in Vegas, because that's what I hope happens to all douchey people who call themselves an "outspoken Libertartian." However, he can't have fun there. He just needs to have all his values shattered.

4. DUH, everyone by now knows that I worked for American Apparel and that founder Dov Charney is a raging perv. Well, now one of the girls who claims he raped her is suing for $250 million, and in case you need more reasons to think the guy is a jerk, here's a rundown of all his past transgressions. I say this while wearing an American Apparel hoodie. Don't judge me.

5. And lastly, I haven't fully gotten into "The Wire," making me a horrible fan of pop culture, but I do find it interesting that while everyone is reporting how Felicia "Snoop" Pearson from the show got arrested today for drugs in Baltimore, no one is remembering how she was on that episode of "No Reservations" where Anthony Bourdain went to Baltimore.


I dug up his blog post about that episode, which aired in '09, and it's an interesting read. Sad now in hindsight, but still good.

+ Photos courtesy of Facebook, soupsoup.tumblr.com.

You're all idiots.

Dear Washington Post,

Why do you even bother printing this piece, which rounds up four useless opinions from the Style section's music writers on M.I.A.'s latest song, "Born Free," when all the opinions are, well, fucking useless? Great, they think her use of violence is just gathering up buzz for her upcoming album - instead of, you know, in line with the same political opinions she's given on her previous two albums. I know my boyfriend will argue that she's dumb for making an expensive clothing line and naming her kid something stupid, but that doesn't really seem all that relevant to the Post's dumb thoughts.

And somehow, the video for "Born Free" is more offensive to the Post than similar hypocrisies by people they like, such as Lady Gaga, who uses making out with people of the same sex basically for the same reason? God, you all fucking suck.

Pissed-off-ly,

- Me.

What do Superman and piranhas have in common?

I feel like such an old person. Everything about these things makes me feel ancient:

1. So this old guy in Georgetown who hates the drunk college kids always hanging around his neighborhood starts a blog to call them out on their bullshit. Georgetown kids ARE douchebags, so what's wrong with this? I say nothing. Rich white yuppies think that Washington, D.C., belongs to them so I support crotchety old men trying to take a sSo ttand; I keep imagining Clint Eastwood growling "Get off my lawn!" in "Gran Torino."



Yup, just like that.

2. So the Unification Church, or as I like to affectionately/cruelly call them, the "Moonies," is selling The Washington Times. I've thought of The Washington Times as an embarrassingly right-wing newspaper for years, but their role as a foil to The Washington Post has also been a D.C. tradition. If the paper never gets sold, or just has to close, that would suck - and be yet another example of journalism's rapid money-losing journey. Seeing a paper I've been familiar with for more than two decades now (even if that familiarity is a seething hatred) going down the tubes = bummer.

3. Doctors say roller coasters can now cause ear damage. I've only been on a few roller coasters in my life, including the Superman at Six Flags, which literally scarred me forever.


So do I feel old because yet another part of my childhood is being labeled as dangerous, or because I've been on less than five roller coasters and I'm 23 fucking years old and that statistic is way shameful? Probably both.

4. And lastly, am I just a hater because I think the upcoming movie "Piranha 3D" looks fucking awful? Or am I right?

I'm thinking I'm right. For shame, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames! You (respectively) were in "Back to the Future" and "Pulp Fiction," for fuck's sake! And Richard Dreyfuss, remember how you were in "Jaws?" You doing this rip-off isn't ironic; it's pathetic. PATHETIC I SAY.

+ Photos courtesy of UltimateRollerCoaster

I'm not clear what this video says about "the war on terror."

OK, so everyone is going apeshit over the remake of Lady Gaga's "Telephone" done by U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The Washington Post wrote an essay about it; the clip has more than 1 million hits on YouTube. It's funny and everything, and I guess it kind of humanizes all the soldiers I imagine are over there hating their lives and killing my people, but ...



... does anyone else think the guy that impersonates Beyonce is totally the best? Because I do. I thoroughly enjoy really hood guys pretending to be women. Maybe that's why I'm obsessed with "RuPaul's Drag Race," especially contestant Raven from season two:


It's just SO BAD that it's great. And I'm really amazed by their tuckgame. How do you make a penis BASICALLY DISAPPEAR? My mind is boggled.

+ Photos courtesy of LogoTV, Sick Biscuit

Inappropriate humor, death, the usual.

You know, every now and then I'm kind of amazed by how long it takes mainstream media outlets to pick up on obvious trends. Like, this story The Washington Post did on web-only television shows, including "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis." Granted, I would only know about this show because of my boyfriend. But still! He told me about this like, months ago! So why is the Post just writing about this show, and the entire trend, now? I don't know, it just seems desperately dated.

This, however, will always be funny.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Things that aren't so funny, though?

1. That drinking by teenage girls can lead to a higher risk of breast cancer later. I didn't drink until 21 because I'm fucking lame, but like, practically everyone else I know in the world has been sipping on sizzurp for years. So ... good to know some of those people will be dead. Thanks, science!

2. Rolling Stone is going to start charging for their archives online, with like, a $30 annual fee. (Fun fact: one of the kids I worked with at my college paper wrote this story for the AP. I guess I'm jealous.) The New York Times had talked about beginning to charge for their online access, and I understand that journalism needs money to survive, but I'm not sure exactly how many millions of people will pay for this in order to make it a profit. Plus, you could argue Rolling Stone is kind of irrelevant now anyway, right? Didn't it take a year for them to put someone as obnoxious as Lady Gaga on the cover? ... Yeah.

3. South Korea has the highest suicide rate now in the industrialized world, which has been mainly fueled by celebrities taking their own lives and spawning thousands of copy-cat deaths. Fucking insanity. The numbers in that story are just ... well, depressing.

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

God bless America, maybe?

You know, I mock America a lot, but I'm pretty sure democracy may actually be failing when stupid shit like this happens. You know, when some guy think it's OK to fire on another guy's car, on the fucking Beltway I drive every day, with his daughter in the car. Really? Here are the details:

"[Gabriel] Poventud threw open the door of his silver Jaguar on the shoulder of the highway where the truck also was stopped and began shooting, police said, with his 2-year-old daughter inside in her car seat.

Over four miles and 20 minutes the two drivers drove recklessly and in a rage, state police allege, with Poventud's 2-year-old daughter in her car seat during the ride. Four bullets "would have hit the cab if they had penetrated the dump bed," a state trooper has said in a complaint filed in court."

Good job, guy. Really, just phenomenal.

Another example: Students' progress nationwide has stalled behind No Child Left Behind, meaning that despite all the funding that's been pumped into the initiative, kids nationwide really aren't reading any better:

"When Bush signed the law, hopes were high for a revolution in reading. Billions of dollars were spent, especially in early grades, to build fluency, vocabulary, comprehension and a love of books that would propel students in all subjects. The goal was to eliminate racial and ethnic achievement gaps. But Wednesday's report shows no great leaps for the nation and stubborn disparities in performance between white and black students, among others."

What does this mean? I'm going to go with "parents not spending enough time with their children and therefore not encouraging reading and leading their child down a path of illiteracy." Maybe I'm wrong. But I grew up in a house where Saturday morning visits to the public library happened every week, reading was encouraged everywhere (even at the dinner table) and my parents wanted me to read everything, from newspapers to magazines to paperbacks.

And I'm not saying that not spending time with your kids is a problem specific to any class or race - my rich cousins who are both cardiologists make about $500k a year but their kids haven't even read "Harry Potter," because they're too busy playing on the laptops their dad bought them for their 8th and 6th birthday, respectively. Maybe if reading was more encouraged both at home and in school, something would change. But I'm doubting it.

And lastly, I'm all down for vigilante justice. I'm a big fan of Batman. Yup, this guy.


But I'm thinking that crazy conservatives and tea party activists or whatever the fuck else they call themselves resorting to violence and threats against elected officials that voted for the health care legislation Obama put forth aren't citizen heroes, they're douchebags. Are you really going to criticize other countries that follow bizarre legal codes, like Islamic law, but then think it's cool to threaten someone's life because they voted for a bill you don't agree with? You're a fucking idiot.

The only thing giving me hope is that an Ann Coulter speech at the University of Ottowa was canceled due to protests against her. You could say that I'm speaking out of both sides of my mouth, since these protestors were threatening Coulter too, but I think there's a big difference between being against a speaker who only spits venom against people of different religious and sexual orientations and attempting violence against an elected official who is trying to help their constituents. You da best, Canada.

+ Photo courtesy of SparkTV

Fantasy novels, ice cream and murder. All in one place!

So there's good news, and there's bad news.

THE GOOD

1. I've seen commercials for the Harry Potter theme park ...



... but now there's a definite announcement that it will open June 18 in Orlando. FUCK YES I want to go. Apparently they're already selling packages: "Four-night packages, which include an on-site hotel room, park tickets and various amenities, start at $645 per adult or $1,548 for a family of four." I don't need a family of four! I have $645! Anyone with me on this pipe dream?!

2. Yup, Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" has admitted that she is in a lesbian relationship. Does this mean their coupling will be on the upcoming season? Fuck I hope so. I need those damn housewives, because ...

3. MTV announced today that this upcoming season of "The Hills," which premieres on April 27, will be its last. Fucking FINALLY. I'm so sick of looking at these two slorebags.


OK, was anyone forcing me to watch the show? No. But I wanted to see what Kristin got up to! And it was nothing! She's boring! I need more drama. MORE DRAMA. And she didn't deliver. So thank the gods it's almost over.

4. Tom Shales from The Washington Post wrote this column the other day tearing apart ABC's decision to hire Christiane Amanpour for the hosting gig on "This Week," and I found it retardedly stupid. I normally agree with Shales's opinions on TV-happenings, so it was bizarre for me. Thankfully, Glenn Greenwald from Salon agreed with me and wrote a response column that it way better formulated than mine could have ever been. Probably because he doesn't stoop to profanity, like I inevitably would have.

THE BAD

1. Well, I'm fucked. According to this story by The Los Angeles Times, women need to work out an hour a day to maintain their weight throughout their lifetime, and work out about 90 minutes a day to lose weight. When the fuck am I going to find 60 to 90 minutes in my day? Sure, I could quit updating this thing. But then where would I get joy, ice cream? That seems like a self-defeating cycle. Mmm. Ice cream.

2. But in even more bad news for my fattery, President Obama's health care legislation triumph also stipulates that calorie information be posted at most chains, including those restaurants that offer buffets. Doesn't America understand that I don't want to know how many calories I'm eating when I'm scarfing down sushi like it's my job? ... This is why I'm fat.

3. I mean, I know everyone has problems with their parents. But hiring a hitman to kill your dad, after getting permission from your mom? ... Umm, that's fucked up. Way to live up to "The Godfather," lady.

+ Photos courtesy of InsideCelebrityWorld

UGH, to the tune of a round-up.

When it rains, kids, it pours fucking stupid, retarded news that makes me want to take a wrench to the world's head. Ummm, yeah, that much anger. Believe me.

So here are today's most angst-causing news items:

1. Fashion designer Lee Alexander McQueen kills himself. I don't like explaining suicides, because I don't think they make sense, but you can Google around and try to figure out why he took his life. I don't know what to say, really; he was amazingly talented and great at making insane high-fashion shit, the kind that my boyfriend hates. Like this:


And those shoes that Lady Gaga brought mainstream attention to by wearing in the video for "Bad Romance:"


SO yeah, depressing.

2. Rihanna releases her video for "Rude Boy."



The song is kind of annoying and the video doesn't really go anywhere. If I wanted to watch someone shake their butt against a backdrop of annoying colors, I'd just watch the video for "Video Phone."

Also, I similarly don't enjoy these pictures from the video Alicia Keys and Beyonce are shooting for "Put It In a Love Song" down in Rio de Janeiro.



Nothing they are wearing is flattering. At all.

3. Big shocker, Americans don't understand serving sizes. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this warrants a full story by the New York Times. As a country, we're obese and too lazy to read - and follow - serving sizes and portion control. We eat shit like this, come on.


I'm guilty of that too - thankfully, NOT of eating the Craz-E Burger - but like ... how much does the U.S. government really need to dumb shit down for people? Just read the back of the fucking box. Done.

4. Tom Cruise inks deal for "Mission Impossible 4." Who keeps commissioning these films? Like, I understand that the third one made double its budget, but it was AWFUL. I guess I'm just really sick of Tom Cruise's SO SERIOUS face.


I think he looks constipated. You agree, don't lie.

5. Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges gets delayed because he has to have emergency surgery on his tooth. I'm sorry, what? I would love to get out of shit and blame it on my grill.


No, really, I would love to just HAVE Lil Wayne's diamond-crusted teeth. Imagine how much that shit could go for on the black hoodrat market. Umm, that wasn't racist.

6. More proof that home-schooling is a bad idea: Horrible father locks his daughter in the bathroom for months because she failed a test and supposedly stole food. I really do think most people should be executed.

7. Taylor Swift slams down a cool $2 million on a swanky penthouse in Nashville. I don't hate the girl, but fuck that shit. Look at this interior.


This is NOT OK. I could write songs about high school! My experiences were lame, too! SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY.

8. And lastly, Vanessa Hudgens and I have the same shoes.


Does that mean we can share Zac Efron? That'd be great, kthx.

+ Photos courtesy of Oodora, OMG! Yahoo, New York Daily News, Scrape TV, Starpulse

Just don't call it Snowtorious B.I.G.

It's Monday night. I've been snowed in since Friday afternoon. I'm so done with this bullshit blizzard thing ... oh, wait. More is coming tomorrow. AWESOME.

The only way I've managed to stay sane is TV and the Internet. So basically, I'm doing nothing different than I would have done if there weren't snow outside. I'm just more antsy and frustrated. Go figure.

Anyway, here's the things that have kept me captivated these past few days. I really want to blow my brains out. Cabin fever, etc.

1. Michael Jackson's doctor charged with involuntary manslaughter. This was bound to happen eventually, and I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened to anyone associated with Brittany Murphy, as her autopsy proved she basically died from pneumonia. In other news, could someone kill me to rid me of this winter? Thanks.

2. Back in September, "Project Runway" winner Christian Siriano designed a spring 2010 shoe line for Payless Shoe Source. No one ever thought the really high-fashion ones, like these, would actually get sold, except, OH HEY, they'll be in select Payless stores in early March. I'm gunning for these, which will be around $79.99 each:


Whatever, I don't care about your judgments, fuck you guys.

3. The Washington Post ran an opinion piece about a week ago that was all about how in this tough economic time, more people are haggling for bargains. I'm sorry, maybe this is just because my parents are foreign and bartering is like, WHAT IRANIANS DO, but is this really surprising to people? Of course you ask for discounts and lower prices on things. It's called being crafty, Post writers. Look into it. MAYBE IT WILL HELP YOU SAVE THE INDUSTRY IN WHICH I WORK.

4. So who knew, but Christina Hendricks wears glasses.


Update your sexy librarian fantasies, people. Pretty sure she just changed the game. Also, did anyone else hear about this controversy regarding The New York Times and how they may have distorted a photo of Hendricks from the Golden Globes to make her seem wider and larger than she actually is? Real slick, guys.

5. It's already February, which means that Jean Paul Gaultier's collection for Target is only a month away - it will hit online and stores March 7. You can see the collection's whole lookbook here, but I'm pretty much set on these specific outfits: The trenchcoat on the left in the first picture and the dress and coat in the middle of the second picture.



Give it up to me, etc.

6. According to some new study, abstinence-only education has begin to show signs of working among youth, specifically in African American students in sixth and seventh grade over two years. Maybe I'm just skeptical, but is this really where our country is headed? Abstinence-only education is stupid and short-sighted, and last time I checked, isn't our teen pregnancy rate on the upswing? Kids are going to have sex, just give them condoms and a banana and send them on their way. It sucks, but it's true. Deal with it, Christian parents.

7. Plus, people are going to pregnant if they wear shit like this. HOW COULD THEY NOT? It's basically a slutty embodiment of business in the front ...


... party in the back.


Impressive, I'd say.

8. Pete Wentz kind of announces the end of Fall Out Boy in some horrendously written and grammar-less statement, which includes gems like this:

as much as i dont have a solo project, i also cant predict that id ever play in fall out boy again. not due to personal relationships as much as a band we grew apart. in this statement id like to include there is the possibility that fob will play again with out me or i will be a part of it when everyone is on the same page.

Silly me, I thought Wentz's solo project was fathering awfully named children, making out with dudes and getting tramp-stamps.


Oops!

9. And lastly, trailers for "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," "MacGruber" and "Brookyn's Finest" have been giving me headaches. They ALL look awful, even though the sequel to "Wall Street" would be fantastic without the Shia. I mean, anything that could recreate GREED IS GOOD is fine with me, but ... the LaDouche isn't cutting it for me.

+ Photos courtesy of Lucky, Dlisted, Hot Beauty Health, Patricia Field, YouThoughtSo

Live long and prosper, Coco.

After watching Conan's last show last night (which Hank Stuever of The Washington Post describes pretty well), I think I need to reevaluate my life.



Or, at least be less fatalistic. It's weird, I know. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it ... while going to eat a donut ... and watching "Free Bird."



I think this may be one of the only times in weeks that I've liked Will Ferrell. Wait, fuck, was that cynicism? THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

A few of my LEAST FAVORITE things.

Dear universe,

Let me ask you something: Was today some kind of test of my willpower? Because seriously, you just kept throwing awful curve-balls at me left and right. Don't act all fucking coy. You know what I'm talking about:

1. American Apparel's Satin Charmeuse Jumper Pants, $40. Nast.


2. The American editor of a Palestinian news agency was basically kicked out of Israel today for printing opinions the government doesn't like, further proving that the country will remove anyone who doesn't agree with them. AWESOME. Is that supposed to be freedom? Cuz like, it's fucking not.

3. Apparently, the most-watched shows on regular TV and cable last week included winners like "WWE Raw," "NCIS" and "Two and a Half Men." Is America functionally retarded? Seriously, WHO WATCHES THESE SHOWS. Is this why Conan is failing? Because every one of you deserves to die, I swear.

4. The New York Times is going to start charging for access to its website, and The New Republic just wrote some huge piece on why The Washington Post is basically going down into a cesspool of its own creation. ... So, do I have a future doing journalism, or should I start looking for a rich oil tyrant husband now?

5. Rihanna performs a cover of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song" on "Oprah" as a way to inspire those suffering from the earthquake in Haiti. I don't know, I'm just not too enthused by this; she probably means well? But Joe Strummer's cover is better, and we all know it.



Full of rage, as always,

- Me.

+ Photo courtesy of American Apparel

Iranians, we love to be in love.

The Washington Post has been doing this weekly series where they write about unlikely love stories and local weddings, and like a sappy romantic, I of course read them every time they run. And this time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that this week's installment is about two Iranians falling in love and giving it a go with a third marriage.

Yay, compulsive romantics! That's basically my people in a nutshell - we got Rumi and Hafez, we're set. Well, we may also be defined by that whole Islam thing. Oh, and the douche-y government. Just ignore the last part, I guess.

Some newz, some thangz.

So because I've spent four hours so far at work today doing absolutely nothing, it's time for a daily news round-up. Mainly so I don't get bored enough to start playing with fire or something.

1. Iran moves to ban allowing women to wear make-up during television broadcasts. You know, cuz lipgloss is really what's holding Iran back from worldwide domination. Ugh, religion is the WORST. Way to make me embarrassed for my country, clerics.

2. Grammy nods are out: Beyonce has 10 nominations ...

P.S. Though I am using this picture from "Video Phone," I find the "Reservoir Dogs"-referencing intro offensive to people that actually like "Reservoir Dogs." That is all.

... Taylor Swift has eight, some other people have some other ones. I just really don't care about the Grammys anymore - does anyone? They seem like the latest awards show in terms of recognizing what's hip/trendy/being listened to, and if you look at the full nominee list, you'll see what I'm talking about. Basically, YAWN.

3. The Washington Post wrote this feature about this British artist, Willard Wigan, who makes sculptures so tiny they can fit in the eye of a needle - like, literally.


Probably one of the most interesting arts stories I've read in a while, AND, the pictures are pretty. That's essentially all the mental stimulation I need.

4. ABC nixes yet another performance from the hip-thrustingly-gay Adam Lambert in fears that he'll recreate the male-orgy that was his performance at the American Music Awards recently. Is this really necessary? ABC is the same channel that showed "The Drew Carey Show" for years on end. I'm pretty sure Carey's COMPLETE UNFUNINESS is way more offensive to people than some homoeroticism. Or maybe I'm just underestimating the bigotry in America. Whichever.

5. Kristin from "The Hills" admits that her maybe-relationship with Justin Bobby wasn't "romantic."


How is that even possible? He drove to Las Vegas for her! Oh contrived reality television shows. You make me happy.

+ Photos courtesy of Blogspot, Wordpress, MTV

So, it's come to this:

In yet another round of cuts, The Washington Post is closing all of its national bureaus, shuttering its offices in Chicago, Los Angeles and New York and laying off some people. Awesome! I'm so excited about my future in journalism - especially when this comes on the heels of the Post cutting some online staff a few days ago after the print newsroom finally merged with the online one. Can Santa bring me another college degree this year, or maybe a master's in something useful for a government job? That'd be great.

Basically, this pretty much sums up my life.


Yup.

+ Photo courtesy of someecards

Today's "UGH, fuck THAT!" edition.

The daily WTF round-up:

1. The Washington Post does a (completely unnecessary) story on the $5.7 million mansion that MTV uses for "The Real World: Washington, D.C." Since the cast leaves Washington this month (get off my turf, douchebags!), reporter Dan Zak got invited in and perused the home, noting how MTV tried to localize it by including pictures of Metro system maps (so colorful!) ...


... and Ben's Chili Bowl. Against my better judgment, I'm intrigued. I'll probably regret this as soon as the show airs in December.

2. Forbes magazine lays off as many as 100 people. Yes, Forbes, the magazine about rich people whose constantly stupid lists drive me crazy. I find this sadly ironic.

3. Disgraced reporter Jayson Blair (yup, that asshole went to the same journalism school I did) is apparently speaking at a seminar on media ethics. The title? "Lesson Learned." This is not OK! This dude has enough balls to have angelic press photos of himself taken ...


... and also make money preaching about shit he obviously knows nothing about? Or, at least didn't respect for years on end? I call BOOSHIT.

4. Violence against women in the media has risen 120 percent in the past five years. I don't know to blow this off, because this study points out examples like cartoon violence on "Family Guy" (which I don't give a fuck about), or take it seriously because it's such a huge increase. Definitely something to think about the next time I'm watching a dead porn star on "Sons of Anarchy" ... yup, maybe you should have watched this week. Just sayin'.

+ Photos courtesy of Mappery, Pop and Politics

News in the news.

The journalism industry is dying, blah blah blah (I'm just regurgitating what my parents keep saying to me when they lecture me about my future), and these recent stories regarding the media world have kind of got me in a tizzy ...

+ First, CNN is in the fourth - and last - place in ratings for prime-time cable news, according to The New York Times. I guess objectivity really is a dying practice. I mean, in my opinion, Anderson Cooper ...


... is more tolerable than Bill O'Reilly/Nancy Grace/etc., but apparently I'm in the minority here.

+ Secondly, the new editor of Washingtonian magazine, Garrett Graff, is a 28-year-old Harvard educated dude who jumped into journalism after working as Howard Dean's national press secretary when he was a teenager. This guy:


Read the full story if you want to learn more about all the opportunities that got thrown at him (presumably because of his parents' connections, as one was a high-up in the Associated Press and the other a well-respected children's book author), but I think his last quote sums it up pretty well: "I have traditionally done pretty well proving to people I'm capable of that which I've been given, or earned, depending on how one looks at it." Key word: given.

... while this other one has me somewhat pleased:

+ The obnoxiously pretentious Washington, D.C.-based blog Brightest Young Things ventured into event-hosting this past month with a series of comedy concerts, and according to a story by The Washington Post, they ended up in the red because not as many people attended the shows as they would have thought and things didn't end up going as they hoped. Boohoo. I love reveling in other people's somewhat-failures. And yes, I'm looking forward to hell. I'm sure the Devil loves alcohol just as much as I do.

+ Photos courtesy of ScrapeTV, MSNBC

Yup, I have a journalism degree.

There's lots of media-related news flying around this week, and while some of it has got me really angry, some of it's pretty baller. So, indulge my journalist's nerdiness for a while, plz ...

Stupid things:

1. The football coach from the University of Montana, Bobby Hauck, ignoring student journalists from the school's newspaper, the Montana Kaimin, after they wrote a story about football players involved in an alleged assault. Since then, Hauck refuses to take their question in press conferences, belittles them in front of other reporters and is being an overall jackass; the Missoulian wrote a pretty solid story about it. As a former editor for my college paper, I can honestly say that was always our one fear: That the university's Athletics Department would get pissed off, pull our credentials and fuck us over entirely; it's scary to know that shit can actually happen.

2. Self magazine dethrones Bethesda, Md., as the healthiest city for women in the nation. Granted, I spent my teenager years-early adulthood in Bethesda and pretty much hated it. But knowing my uppity neighbors, they will be pissed off about this. I'm not sure if the fact that Totalbeauty.com ranks Bethesda as the city with the hottest guys in the country (... seriously?!) will help soothe their woes, either.

3. Ashlee Simpson will be in an upcoming issue of Vogue. Here's her getting to the photo shoot, looking confused and stupid:


Fuck you for this choice, Anna Wintour. You are dumb as a fucking box.

Good things:

1. Vanity Fair does a pretty solid piece on how the fuck Jon and Kate Gosselin got so famous, and what that's done to them as people. This was them before the fame:


As someone who is similarly confused about why I so often read up on these useless people, I found the piece well-organized and really intriguing. Plus, I ALSO love sushi, so I learned something I have in common with Kate Gosselin. You know, because I don't ever plan on having eight fucking children, so we can't share that bond.

2. The Washington Post unleashed their print redesign earlier this week, and I actually really like it. It's more colorful, graphics-oriented and eye-catching, and thankfully, it's not too "YAY WE'RE TRYING TO BE HIP LOVE US." Here's a breakdown of all the differences, and here's today's front page:


3. And the Post also wrote a story today about various musicians like Pearl Jam, R.E.M. and the Roots taking part in a FOIA request about what music was played at Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. Finally, rock stars rally together to attack something that isn't downloading music! My heart rejoices/hates the treatment of prisoners.

+ Photos courtesy of Celebuzz, Urie, Newseum

Rounding on up.

Happy things of today:

- Even though Kanye West personally called Taylor Swift to apologize for his epic douchery, he still counts as a humongous jerk. Nevertheless, this performance of "Run This Town" on the premiere of Jay Leno's new show Monday was pretty OK (oh, and West's crying when Leno grilled him didn't hurt). Rihanna's crazy get-up helps, of course.



- HOLY FUCKING SHIT details about the Harry Potter theme park, which will be open to visitors in spring 2010! I've never been to a real theme park - I've had two day trips to Six Flags since middle school, but that's about it, and the idea of swigging butterbeer until I vomit is sooo appealing right now.

Annoying things of today:

- Guillermo del Toro, one of my favorite directors and overall crazy bitches, is teaming up with Disney for a new line of scary stuff for kids. NOT COOL, Guillermo. You're supposed to hurry up and finish "The Hobbit," not dream up partnerships with the most corporate company ever. Lamezies.

- There's a he-said, she-said going down at The Washington Post over why a story for its Sunday magazine was cut. Supposedly, the Post's publisher said the story was too depressing and not what readers wanted - and lo and behold, it gets bumped off. Is this really how we're going to save journalism? I hope not.

- Similarly, Michael Moore can derelick my balls. Newspapers "slit their own throats" because of corporate greed? No, dude. The Internet exploded, and in fact, newspapers CAN'T seem to find a way to make money off of that, actually. So fuck your shit, sir. If this is really the way you have to publicize your new documentary, then that's all kinds of pathetic.

- Naming a pair of black satin crop pants the "Black Flag Pants" in order to make them sound cool is not OK. Henry Rollins would kick your ass. Look at the muscles in this man's neck alone - he does not fucking play.


- Drew Barrymore needs to just end this madness. What is this dress? I feel like she took a pack of black felt-tip pens and just went crazy. If that's all it takes to be fashionable, then shit, I'm cooler than I thought.


Obsessed things of today:

- Oooh.

Jeffrey Campbell Neon Oxfords, $108

- Oooh TIMES TWO.

Silence and Noise Studded Faux Leather Blazer, $128

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Sonoma State University, Nasty Gal Vintage, Urban Outfitters

The Washington Post, shitting all over my existence.

Well, well, well. This is just astonishing.

Here are the things I find most bizarre:

1. That all three of President Barack Obama's assistants on this list (personal secretary Katie Johnson, personal aide Reggie Love and director of speechwriting Jon Favreau) are 27. Does that mean that in five years, I too will have a fantastic job? Please? I don't need to impact change, I just want to make lots of money. Morals, pfft.

2. FedEx deliverymen make $50k. I just ... there are no words. I have never once had a package come on time with FedEx, and now I learn that they're making ducats for fucking up my shit. Great.

3. A wedding planner only makes $21k. I thought people spent tons of money on their dresses, flowers, food, anything in relation to the big day. Shouldn't the person you entrust all of those responsibilities with similarly get some dough? Just a thought.

4. The editor in chief of the blog The New Gay makes $36k. Could I borrow their business plan? Kthx.

5. And lastly, Marion Berry is making $125,583. How is this man STILL A POLITICIAN? America sucks.