Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

PLEASE BE OVER WORKDAY

SO CLOSE. to the weekend.

All I plan on doing this weekend is organizing my makeup and watching "The X-Files," because BBC America shows reruns of them and it's the middle of the second season and HOLY CRAP so much stuff happens that season, mainly including Dana Scully/Gillian Anderson looking like a total babe:


... while often rocking shoulder pads.


Amazing.

Anyway, I digress. Here's the rundown of daily crap to get you into the weekend:

1. Jimmy Fallon gets his own Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, featuring "vanilla bean ice cream, fudge-covered potato chip clusters, all with a salty caramel swirl." First, that sounds gross; I don't want chips in my ice cream because I'm not Homer fucking Simpson. Secondly, when did Jimmy Fallon become such a foodie? Does NBC really have no one else to pimp out that they are able to get him on his own episode of "Top Chef" AND he somehow gets an ice cream flavor? I'm single-handedly helping ice cream sales soar during the recession (OK, a lot of other people are being fat too, but still) and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any goddamn recognition. Where are my "Top Chef" cronies at?

2. "Blade Runner" may get a sequel or a prequel, brought to you by Alcon Entertainment, the same producers who created "The Blind Side" and "The Book of Eli" - which BOTH SUCKED. The company has bought the rights and are bouncing around ideas, and I hope that during this process, they somehow manage to all die. What the fuck, guys? There are already 27 movie sequels coming out this year, more than any other year ever, and now you have to ruin the best character Harrison Ford ever played? Yeah, I said it. Deckard > Han Solo. Eat it.

3. I'm thinking about grad school in the fall, and I had considered going to Northwestern University before realizing it was a. too expensive and b. too far away. HOW HAPPY AM I to find out that I effectively avoided seeing a woman get pleasured by her boyfriend in front of a class. Uh, yeah. He used a sex toy on her as part of a human sexuality discussion. I remember when I was in college, state delegates got pissed because a student group considered showing a porn film on campus. I'm sure those same Republicans would lose their shit if they realized some chick was getting off in front of students as part of their curriculum. Keep it classy, Wildcats.

4. If you're bored, feel free to read the reviews I wrote this week, of "Beastly" and "The Adjustment Bureau." I will finally acknowledge that Vanessa Hudgens is hot (especially at the Oscars after-party earlier this week; plz click through the whole slideshow because it's hilarious), but holy shit "Beastly" sucks. Girl, you dumb.

+ EDIT: My needy roommate would like me to tell the world that she passed along the Northwestern story to me, and I otherwise wouldn't have known about the lady that played with a sex toy in front of class. Am I trying to keep our love a secret? Maybe.

+ Photos courtesy of fucknoshoulderpads.tumblr.com (a blog specifically dedicated to Scully's outfits!) and forums.comicbookresources.com

Blergh.

A rapid rundown of things you should know about today:

1. I reviewed "Drive Angry" in 3-D, which came out last week and was pretty terrible. Why Nicolas Cage, why? How are you still bankrupt? Oh right because your most recent film was "Season of the Witch," which sucked a huge one but somehow made a profit. Because people are dumb. Really, really dumb.

2. SO DUMB, IN FACT, that George Lucas is going to release "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3-D in 2012. What have we done as a people to deserve such terribleness? Baz Luhrmann shooting "The Great Gatsby" in 3-D wasn't enough, we now have to suffer the terror of Jar-Jar swinging his dopiness around all screen, REALLY CLOSE to my face? Great. Thanks George Lucas. I hope Skywalker Ranch erupts into Waco-like flames.

3. Lastly, my favorite part of today came when Mos Def called out Usher's and Justin Bieber's weird, vaguely incestuous, kind of creepy mentorship relationship with this perfect tweet: "I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher." Classy, sir. Classy. It's like this one time my boyfriend showed me a video of Mos Def being all sketchy and high at a record store.



How can you NOT love him? I imagine him and James Franco hanging out all the time, mimicking the high faces Franco made during the Oscars this weekend. So. Fucking. High.

+ EDIT: The boyfriend informs me this can't be Mos Def's real Twitter account, because a. Mos Def is often too high to understand how to use a computer and b. probably can't "type relatively coherent sentences." Fine - but whoever is posing as Mos Def is also hilarious.

I haven't seen a face this crazed since Dave Chappelle was Tyrone.

MY GOD.


What kind of cracked-out fuckery is this? Why does Jason Segel look like he just got off a 12-day drug binge where he sucked off dealers for the best kind of coke in town? And why is Minnie Mouse his No. 1 prostitute?! This picture is fucking with a lot of my childhood memories, let me tell you. And it makes all the puppets in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" suddenly seem totally dirty ...

+ Photo courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Maybe they just look alike because they're both Italian?

Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:



And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?


I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:

"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Such a bitch! (She also bizarrely mocked Gaga for getting "burger money" in an interview with NME). So start fighting, you overpaid limelight-lovers. You give my life meaning - well, at least content for this damn blog.

+ Photo courtesy of The Independent

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

People who do ecstasy say what?

People STILL go to raves? I had no fucking idea. But apparently, yeah, a crapton of people took some drugs and overdosed and now they might all be dying after some rave in Santa Clara, Calif.

My favorite part of the story, though, is this:

"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."

So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...


And indulge in greasy hamburgers ...


And stalk Lindsay Lohan as she traipses around with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet?


I mean, I know that's what I would do. Obviously. I'm paunchy and love celebrities. DUH.

+ Photos courtesy of MazeofThoughts, Flickr, TMZ

Hats? This summer? Really?

Do people still wear hats? I know fedoras have been making a comeback for a few years, but ... I don't know about all this Easter-colored, pastal-drenched shit.

Cressman by Aldo Accessories, $15


Liddicoat by Aldo Accessories, $18

Confusing, really. If this is because of Sarah Jessica Parker's willingness to wear dumb hats ...



... then I hate everyone involved in this fashion decision.

+ Photos courtesy of Aldo Shoes, OMG! Yahoo

Ciara's ability to gyrate her torso is mesmerizing.

I have always felt like Ciara is trying to claw her way to the top of the R&B heap, and I feel like if she could, she would rip out Rihanna's eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.

But in terms of just straight-out fucking crazy, Kelis wins, right? Watch these three videos: Rihanna does the whole fake lesbian thing with "Te Amo," Ciara astounds with her ability to booty-pop in "Ride" and Kelis ... well, bitch is just insane. I get that her and Nas just got their divorce finalized, but he is supposed to pay $44,000 a MONTH in child support! I feel like when you're sitting on that kind of money, you shouldn't be in this fucking weird. The world doesn't need another Lady Gaga.

Rihanna, "Te Amo" -



Ciara, "Ride" -



Kelis, "Acapella" -

Wanted. So badly wanted.

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT.

Abbey by Sam Edelman, $190


Lorissa by Sam Edelman, $200


Xanadu in Apricot Cheetah by Jeffrey Campbell, $190

GIMME!

I CRY TEARS.

SO disappointed today. For so many reasons.

1. David Boreanaz, who stole my heart by playing Angel on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" all those years ago, admits to cheating on his wife. That's him, looking dreamy.


I guess he gets points for honesty and for not allowing the situation to become Tiger Woods- or Jesse James-like? But ... he still cheated. IT'S BREAKING MY HEART.

2. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz continue to look like total douches when attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend ...


... and while "hiking" in Los Angeles after returning from the race.


I put "hiking" in quotations because I fucking refuse to believe that these people exerted any kind of energy while wearing Converse sneakers and jeans, AND ALSO TEXTING. That's like, the most uncomfortable, illogical "hiking" situation ever, so disbelief, you are all up in my face right now.

3. NBC approves another show from J.J. Abrams. You may immediately think, "Hypocritical bitch, but you LOVE 'Lost'!" And yes, that's true. But I really don't like that this show sounds like a "Mr. and Mrs Smith" rip-off: "Undercovers, about a married couple of former spies lured out of retirement by the CIA," is how USA Today describes its premise. BOO. Do people not remember how lame "Felicity" was, which Abrams was also responsible for? Come on.

4. Some woman attacks people in a California Target, stabbing the fuck out of them for no reason. ALL I DO IS SHOP AT TARGET. THIS IS A HORRIBLE DEVELOPMENT FOR SOCIETY. Like, what was her motive? Pissed off at the low prices? Angry at the aisles and aisles of well-organized merchandise? UGHH.

5. Lastly, Kendall Jenner may be only 14 and only half Kardashian, but god, her wardrobe choices are really making me hate her already.


16-year-old Ali Lohan, you have met your dressing-far-too-old-for-her-age, on-the-road-to-crack match. FIGHT!

+ Photos courtesy of TIME, OMG! Yahoo

You're all idiots.

Dear Washington Post,

Why do you even bother printing this piece, which rounds up four useless opinions from the Style section's music writers on M.I.A.'s latest song, "Born Free," when all the opinions are, well, fucking useless? Great, they think her use of violence is just gathering up buzz for her upcoming album - instead of, you know, in line with the same political opinions she's given on her previous two albums. I know my boyfriend will argue that she's dumb for making an expensive clothing line and naming her kid something stupid, but that doesn't really seem all that relevant to the Post's dumb thoughts.

And somehow, the video for "Born Free" is more offensive to the Post than similar hypocrisies by people they like, such as Lady Gaga, who uses making out with people of the same sex basically for the same reason? God, you all fucking suck.

Pissed-off-ly,

- Me.

Shave your face, Channing!

The 9th annual Tribeca Film Festival went down on April 29 in New York City, and the Yahoo photo gallery about it raises SO MANY QUESTIONS.

1. Why can Jessica Alba look so good here, with her regular hair,


but then willfully wear this awful fucking wig? I don't get it.


2. Why does Zoe Kravitz keep getting invited to events, when she doesn't really do anything? She doesn't even have a sex tape like Paris, so what's her claim to fame?


And why does her boyfriend, actor Ezra Miller, look like an underage lesbian? The girl used to date actor Ben Foster; he was way hotter.


3. And why is Channing Tatum so desperately trying to grow facial hair?


Mustaches are kind of attractive, but not when they look like pubes. Just sayin'.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies

What do Superman and piranhas have in common?

I feel like such an old person. Everything about these things makes me feel ancient:

1. So this old guy in Georgetown who hates the drunk college kids always hanging around his neighborhood starts a blog to call them out on their bullshit. Georgetown kids ARE douchebags, so what's wrong with this? I say nothing. Rich white yuppies think that Washington, D.C., belongs to them so I support crotchety old men trying to take a sSo ttand; I keep imagining Clint Eastwood growling "Get off my lawn!" in "Gran Torino."



Yup, just like that.

2. So the Unification Church, or as I like to affectionately/cruelly call them, the "Moonies," is selling The Washington Times. I've thought of The Washington Times as an embarrassingly right-wing newspaper for years, but their role as a foil to The Washington Post has also been a D.C. tradition. If the paper never gets sold, or just has to close, that would suck - and be yet another example of journalism's rapid money-losing journey. Seeing a paper I've been familiar with for more than two decades now (even if that familiarity is a seething hatred) going down the tubes = bummer.

3. Doctors say roller coasters can now cause ear damage. I've only been on a few roller coasters in my life, including the Superman at Six Flags, which literally scarred me forever.


So do I feel old because yet another part of my childhood is being labeled as dangerous, or because I've been on less than five roller coasters and I'm 23 fucking years old and that statistic is way shameful? Probably both.

4. And lastly, am I just a hater because I think the upcoming movie "Piranha 3D" looks fucking awful? Or am I right?

I'm thinking I'm right. For shame, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames! You (respectively) were in "Back to the Future" and "Pulp Fiction," for fuck's sake! And Richard Dreyfuss, remember how you were in "Jaws?" You doing this rip-off isn't ironic; it's pathetic. PATHETIC I SAY.

+ Photos courtesy of UltimateRollerCoaster

I guess advertising myself in crass ways is the best way to do it.

I'm vaguely interested in this necklace by the NYC jewelry line In God We Trust; each $40 piece has a pendant with a specific phrase carved into it. Now, I'm just not sure which ones I find most fitting:

Eat a Dick?


Hot Mess?


Kiss Me Where I Pee?


One Sick Bitch?


Sweet Tits?


So many options! I'm sure I'll pass on the "Stuff My Muff," "Fuck My Face" and "Fingerbang" charms, though. I'm not THAT slutty. At least not outwardly.

+ Photos courtesy of Refinery29

I had to explain what a zombie was to my mom the other day.

OK, I just have one question: The whole point of going to the beach is getting noticed, right? But do you really want to be noticed for wearing a bathing suit that is SO FUCKING WEIRD?

Zombie Chomper Bikini Top by Iron Fist, $22


Second Base Bikini Top by Iron Fist, $22


Eyeballs and Tentacles Bikini Top by Iron Fist, $22

That's all I fucking have to say about that.

+ Photos courtesy of Karmaloop

Window shopping on the Web.

If you've even read like, 20 words on this blog, you'll know that I adore shoes. I do. Really and truly. I could go for any of these:

Rachel Comey Badger Ankle Wrap Clog, $445


Aldo Rosenlof, $90


Finsk Black/Pink Wedge Boot, $598 (ESPECIALLY these)


United Nude Black Frame Triangle Heel, $498 (OMG these too)

However, I don't think you could do anything to get me to wear these. Srsly. I promise. They're just ... so much fringe, right? Like, the kind that would uncomfortably tickle your foot.

Lace Up Wedge with Fringe by Tsumori Chisato in cream or black, $540



... Yup, that's the kind of thing that bothers me. Fringe. I'm so awful.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony, Aldo, OakNYC

One day, weight loss drugs will be my soma.

I think I've found the answer to all of my life's problems: A new study suggests that in the future, a drug may be created to speed up your metabolism and prevent obesity.

Now, does this sound like some janky shit I could just buy at GNC or something? Probably. But I also am too lazy to look like this:


While simultaneously horrified of looking like this:


SO ... get at me, drugs! You don't even have to be approved by the FDA. I'm cool without that kind of legal validation, as long as I don't look like fucking Khloe.

+ Photos courtesy of ParentheticalThoughts, PoponthePop