An excuse to talk about Jon Hamm's face.

I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.

1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.


Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.

2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.


Word on the street is Hill is losing weight to star in the upcoming adaptation of "21 Jump Street," which should come out in 2012, and while I commend his 30-pound slim-down so far, I ALSO think his weight loss further accentuates his super-awkward body. His legs are so thin! But he still has a double chin! I don't get it, it's weird, DISLIKE. Get back to me when you lose enough weight to look like a real person, like Seth Rogen did (before he started gaining it back again).

3. Tom Felton at the Empire Awards, sponsored by Jameson, in London on Sunday.


What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.

4. Chloe Moretz at the first Annual Comedy Awards in New York City on Saturday.


Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.

5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.


Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Movie news that pleases me.

I saw "Sucker Punch" last week and I guess I was the only person in the world who liked it, as it currently holds a 20 percent rating on RottenTomatoes. I mean, holy crap that's bad. That's the same rating as "Beastly"! That's just offensive to "Sucker Punch." The only thing linking the two movies is Vanessa Hudgens, so I'm going to blame her.

But yeah, these news items are keeping me happy in light of the commercial failure that is "Sucker Punch."

1. Armie Hammer, who played the Winklevoss twins in "The Social Network" and whose name always makes me giggle because it sounds like Arm & Hammer, will star as Prince Andrew Alcott in "The Brothers Grimm: Snow White," one of the upcoming adaptations of "Snow White." Director Tarsem Singh has already cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. There's another "Snow White" adaptation being planned, with Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron and Viggo Mortensen.

+ EDIT: Sike! Viggo is no longer going to be in "Snow White and the Huntsman," which pleases me, because APPARENTLY he's in talks to play the villain in the "Superman" movie Amy Adams has been cast in. I'm going to go ahead and say I'm psychic for linking these two pieces of news together in the same post without even knowing their connection at first! You're welcome. Anyway, have these pictures of Hammer and Mortensen anyway.

If there could somehow be a "Snow White" adaptation with both Hammer and Mortensen in one movie, I would be super pumped, since Hammer looks like this ...


... and Mortensen looks like this ...


But alas, it cannot be. I would probably see Singh's version, because I can't stand Kristen Stewart, but I also can't stand Julia Roberts, so this will definitely be a balancing act for my hatred. I hate most female actresses, big surprise!

2. Amy Adams will be Lois Lane in the upcoming "Superman" adaptation, which Zack Snyder - who created the sadly under-performing "Sucker Punch" - will direct. I'm totally OK with this idea, since Kate Bosworth was such a poor Lois Lane in 2006's "Superman Returns," and since Adams kicked so much ass in "The Fighter." Literally, when she punched Micky's sisters in the face, I couldn't be happier.


Who wouldn't punch those shrill harpy bitches? Honestly.

3. Lastly, I'm not necessarily excited by this, but definitely intrigued: Mila Kunis has been cast as the Wicked Witch of the West in the film adaptation of "Oz: The Great and Powerful," which will also star James Franco. They played a drug-happy couple in 2010's "Date Night," which also starred Franco's amazing facial hair.


Sam Raimi (who did "The Evil Dead" and the "Spider-Man" trilogy with Tobey Maguire) is directing "Oz," which could be awesome, and the prequel will take a look at the land from the Wizard's point of view, chronicling how he came to power, as we all saw in "The Wizard of Oz." Franco is pretty slimy and sleazy at times, so I can definitely see him doing well with the role - and Kunis is hot. The end.

+ Photos courtesy of piercedbyalance.com, lilokpelikula.files.wordpress.com, parcbench.com, hotflick.net

Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me, part 2.

It may be raining outside, but I'm too lazy to go outside and check. It snowed this morning here in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, and I would like to go on record as saying, fuck that shit. I like snow and everything, but not when it's late March and April is right around the corner and at any point it should be sunny and delightful, not moody and gloomy and snowy.

Plus, when it gets charming and warm, I can wear things like this.

Opening Ceremony Violet cutout wedge sandals, $450

HA! Did you see that price tag? Yeah, I wish I could afford such crap. Unfortunately $450 is a shitton of money that I would immediately use to pay my heat and Verizon bills, not that I would feel good dropping on only one pair of shoes. No matter how weirdly curved they are. Or how wonderfully coral. Or strappy. I LOVE UNNECESSARY STRAPS ON THINGS.

Am I drying my tears? Obviously.

+ Photo courtesy of ShopBop

Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me, part 1.

Yes people, this will be a new weekly feature - and it's as obvious as the title suggests. "Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me" is basically every conversation I ever have with my roommate or best friend - I've learned to stop telling these things to my boyfriend lest he break up with me in disgust - so now you all can know about it, too.

For today, we get two versions of the same idiotically stupid thing that I for some reason inexplicably want. BEHOLD - sneakers shaped like teddy bears.

Oh yes, readers. They exist. And I want them.

Jeremy Scott x Adidas bear sneakers, $180


Jeremy Scott x Adidas panda bear sneakers, $180

There are so many common-sense issues with these shoes - they're fluffy and soft, so won't they get dirty immediately? how fucked will you be if it rains? didn't raves stop being cool like, 12 years ago? - and yet, my credit card yearns to break free of my wallet and run to Opening Ceremony so I can buy them. I'm going to control it, but I'm just saying, teddy bears are like my crack.

I'm like Monica, the shitty mom character from Showtime's version of "Shameless." New York magazine points out that "the woman who has little affection for her kids is a nut for teddy bears," and I agree; I despise children but love toys. You just don't get between me and a stuffed animal, unless you want to get stabbed. Add shoes into that mix, and you're basically asking for me to wage a jihad on you if you get in my way.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony

I command music videos to amuse me.

How the fuck is this day dragging on so long? Utter pain. I've translated this boredom into watching music videos at work. Duh.

Here are some thoughts:

GREAT: Good Charlotte, "Last Night"



Good Charlotte teams up with the "Funny or Die" crew and MARC SUMMERS, who used to host "Double Dare" back in the day and now hosts "Unwrapped" on the Food Network, to give me a flashback to how great that show was. I'm also digging the weird "Super Mario Bros." vibe with all the matching outfits. I could have rocked that show. Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker knows what I'm talking about.

Also, I TOTALLY MISS "Secrets of the Cryptkeeper’s Haunted House," which used to be on Saturday mornings and which I KNEW I COULD WIN as a child. Remember the logo?


And the Cryptkeeper?


All you had to do in the final round was find those skulls in the haunted house and stack them up! The kids who lost were useless bitches.

HMM: Jessie J, "Mama Knows Best," on "Saturday Night Live" March 12



This is so enthralling that I can't stop watching. I want Jessie J to choreograph everyone's dance moves. Do you think she rehearsed all this? I can only imagine what the fuck the "SNL" crew thought during those moments - especially during her possessed faces during the end. Call an exorcist! I'm not saying she's bad, it's just so energetic and obviously off-the-cuff (I hope). I will keep watching this on mute for maximum enjoyment.

BLERGH: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne, "Look at Me Now"



So it makes me really upset that Diplo made this beat (you can see him for a few seconds mugging in the beginning of the video, and here he is posing with the Delorean featured in the vid) ...


... because it's so good and because I hate Chris Brown so much, and therefore have to disrespect Diplo for working with him. Diplo is yet another one of my white-trash love affairs from afar, even though the one time I interviewed him a few years ago he wasn't the nicest/most talkative guy (I can't find the story online, boo). I do remember that I asked him why he was in jail the night before and he refused to talk about it and then was snippy the entire rest of the interview. Awesome.

REGARDLESS, I still can't stand Chris Brown, years removed from the Rihanna "mishap," as he calls it (yes, I know he later tried to clear up what he said, but the guy is still an idiot). And, this video is just stupid. Why are the slutty girls dancing on Nintendo controllers? Why does Chris Brown have the need to constantly talk about his dick? And the line "ladies love me" DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS ONE BLOGGER, LET ME TELL YOU.

So have I lost a little respect for Diplo? Of course. His hotness, however, has never been in question. And my moral ambiguity just made me feel totally shitty.

+ Photos courtesy of tvrage.com, bothersbar.co.uk, cdn.rap-up.com

Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Paris Fashion week, donezo.

This year's first Paris Fashion week, which showcases designers' autumn and winter collections, is donezo, which basically means nothing to most people (unless you've heard about Dior firing its head designer, John Galliano, for a video surfacing of him talking about how much he likes Hitler). I really only care because I love clothes (duh) and it's fun to look at all the shoes.

The Cut did a wrap-up of some of the shoes used in the week's various shows, and I picked out the ones I like AND the ones I'm guessing are going to show up on Lady Gaga any day now, because who the fuck else would wear designer couture shoes like it ain't no big thang? (She has her own shoe designer, by the way. So jealous.)

I am not approving of her insanity, by the way. Let that be clear. I'm JUST SAYING, I fully expect to see these in a video soon.

+ Alexander McQueen: Gaga has worn lots of the recently passed's designer's shoes before, like in the "Bad Romance" video, so she has to wear these, right?


+ Mugler: Those stilettos look like death. But I'm sure Gaga will wear them just to prove she can. Bitch!


+ Gareth Pugh: Because they are bondage-y. Gaga loves bondage-y.


Or Rihanna would wear them; she also flirted with that look back in the day and in the recent "S&M" video.



Remember? Oh and yeah she totally deserves to get sued for that video. Get your money David LaChapelle!

For little old me, however, I like these more. If I had drawers full of money I could just pull open and throw at people to get what I want, this is what I would want. And get.

+ Miu Miu: The heel looks like they would annihilate a person. But glitter! And shiny!


I've been somewhat obsessed with their shoes since I discovered the sparrow mary janes from the spring/summer 2010 collection. I would never dream of buying them because of their insanely expensive price tag, but I still covet them. Especially in black and pink.



Obviously.

+ Yves Saint Laurent: I like yellow. That's really the only reason.


+ Photos courtesy of The Cut, itsdenise.wordpress.com, lookville.com

This is the part where I offer some opinions.

If you're trying to figure out what to do this weekend and have decided that spending on overpriced movie tickets and super-salty popcorn and humongous cups of soda is in the cards, please, let me guide your choices. I reviewed the three movies opening this weekend, and if you don't read them, I will kill you.


- Mars Needs Moms: So touching! So Disney! Starring Seth Green but with his voice swapped out for a small child's! Given that he's a grown-ass man playing a kid, I agree with that choice. Overall, a solid flick if you're feeling like a kid again.


- Battle: Los Angeles: Stuff blows up, people die, there are aliens, Aaron Eckhart has a really strong jawline. That's really all you need to know. Did I mention the explosions? And Eckhart's jawline? Because it's really chiseled.


- Red Riding Hood: I can only hope that everyone involved with this movie, except Leonardo DiCaprio, meets an untimely death. That's a drastic pronouncement, but seriously, the movie is terrible. So maybe I don't want them to die, but I DO want someone in Hollywood to get their shit together and stop funding everything that rips off "Twilight." Really, I more want Stephenie Meyer to die. That's more accurate.

+ Photos courtesy of daemonsmovies.com, netkushi.com, collider.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

My credit card hates me.

I hate going on www.thinkgeek.com. I want everything. Literally, everything. INCLUDING:

C-3PO backpack, $40



Yoda backpack, $40



Boba Fett backpack, $30

So yeah. I need those. Everything I've ever wanted in a backpack: A robot, a badass jet pack and a little green dude who will tell me what to do with my life. Yoda, you're my shaman.

If I'm going to grad school in the fall, don't I need something to tote around my stuff?! And can't a nerdy professor befriend me based on my backpack and just give me As because of how cool I am? I'm sure that can happen.

Also, this torrential rain is making me yearn for this:

Blade Runner-style umbrella, $25

DUH. Obviously I want to look just like Deckard, all the damn time.


But seriously if I bought these and walked around wearing both a "Star Wars"-themed backpack and a "Blade Runner"-themed umbrella, feel free to kick my ass. Holy shit I'm a nerd.

+ Photos courtesy of thinkgeek.com, thegreenhead.com

Old men are so fucking dashing, no?

OK, so ... I'm really in love with Andy Garcia (shown here at the Los Angeles premiere of "Toy Story 3" on June 13) right now.


What is this face? I don't EVEN CARE. This gnocchi-sex scene in "The Godfather III" has made me love the man forever. Pasta AND semi-incestuous sex? It's so disgusting that I'm totally into it.


Oh, and mustaches. I gotta fucking love an unironic 'stache.

P.S. Britney Spears was at the premiere too, and it looks like she fucking just rolled out of bed and went in a nightgown.


To be fair, it's like a nightgown crossed with an ice skating outfit from Tara Lipinski's '90s reign of terror. I mean, at least Britney is wearing a bra (I think). Small victories, people.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, Screenrush.co.uk

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

People who do ecstasy say what?

People STILL go to raves? I had no fucking idea. But apparently, yeah, a crapton of people took some drugs and overdosed and now they might all be dying after some rave in Santa Clara, Calif.

My favorite part of the story, though, is this:

"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."

So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...


And indulge in greasy hamburgers ...


And stalk Lindsay Lohan as she traipses around with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet?


I mean, I know that's what I would do. Obviously. I'm paunchy and love celebrities. DUH.

+ Photos courtesy of MazeofThoughts, Flickr, TMZ