If Kate Winslet and Emma Watson do a cosmetics ad together I will annihilate something.

I refuse to call Wednesday "Hump Day," because I think a. humping is gross b. yeah. c. if you're humping, why wouldn't you just have sex already? d. I don't get it.

And yet, HERE WE ARE. Tomorrow I leave town to attend my brother's medical school graduation ceremony, so if you don't see any posts by me until Saturday, contain your tears. I know it's tough. It will tear you apart, probably. BUT POWER THROUGH. I'll be back this weekend.

Until then, have this.

1. Pink - whose awful hair I commented on in a recent post - admits her new hair sucks, and goes the easy route: blaming it on the hairstylist. As one of my friends pointed out, she looks like Mrs. Roper with the new hair and the caftan. I should have loved that, since Mrs. Roper had amazing outfits like this ...


... and this ...


... but on Pink, the caftan + shitty hair = not as good. Maybe she'll let her hair grow out and will hopefully go to another hairdresser next time. May I suggest someone who doesn't suck?

2. Did anyone else know that Carson Daly's show was still on the air? Prepare to have your mind blown even more: NBC just picked it up for an 11th season. ELEVEN. YEARS. It's amazing to realize that Daly has managed to stay relevant that long, and it's horrible that the only thing I can really tell you about all his time in the spotlight is that he's lost some weight since his "TRL" days. See?


Anyway, I miss nothing about "TRL" but the Backstreet Boys. I didn't have cable when "TRL" was on the air so I used to make my friends record episodes for me - ON VHS! - so I could watch them later. I still think I have this music video on tape somewhere.



3. I've always been jealous of Emma Watson - those legs! that daring pixie haircut! - and now I'm EVEN MORE JEALOUS that she LEFT her education at Brown University to go be the new face of Lancôme. Here's a picture of her shooting an ad in Paris earlier this week:


You know what makes me most angry, though? KATE WINSLET, FEMALE ICON OF MY LIFE, ALSO WORKS FOR LANCOME.


Meaning that Emma Watson and Kate Winslet will probably get to hang out and be friends and do British things together. I AM SO JEALOUS I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPS TO CONVEY MY FEELINGS OF ENVY AND RAGE.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, 4.bp.blogspot.com, www.starling-fitness.com, justjared.buzznet.com, models.com

I command music videos to amuse me.

How the fuck is this day dragging on so long? Utter pain. I've translated this boredom into watching music videos at work. Duh.

Here are some thoughts:

GREAT: Good Charlotte, "Last Night"



Good Charlotte teams up with the "Funny or Die" crew and MARC SUMMERS, who used to host "Double Dare" back in the day and now hosts "Unwrapped" on the Food Network, to give me a flashback to how great that show was. I'm also digging the weird "Super Mario Bros." vibe with all the matching outfits. I could have rocked that show. Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker knows what I'm talking about.

Also, I TOTALLY MISS "Secrets of the Cryptkeeper’s Haunted House," which used to be on Saturday mornings and which I KNEW I COULD WIN as a child. Remember the logo?


And the Cryptkeeper?


All you had to do in the final round was find those skulls in the haunted house and stack them up! The kids who lost were useless bitches.

HMM: Jessie J, "Mama Knows Best," on "Saturday Night Live" March 12



This is so enthralling that I can't stop watching. I want Jessie J to choreograph everyone's dance moves. Do you think she rehearsed all this? I can only imagine what the fuck the "SNL" crew thought during those moments - especially during her possessed faces during the end. Call an exorcist! I'm not saying she's bad, it's just so energetic and obviously off-the-cuff (I hope). I will keep watching this on mute for maximum enjoyment.

BLERGH: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne, "Look at Me Now"



So it makes me really upset that Diplo made this beat (you can see him for a few seconds mugging in the beginning of the video, and here he is posing with the Delorean featured in the vid) ...


... because it's so good and because I hate Chris Brown so much, and therefore have to disrespect Diplo for working with him. Diplo is yet another one of my white-trash love affairs from afar, even though the one time I interviewed him a few years ago he wasn't the nicest/most talkative guy (I can't find the story online, boo). I do remember that I asked him why he was in jail the night before and he refused to talk about it and then was snippy the entire rest of the interview. Awesome.

REGARDLESS, I still can't stand Chris Brown, years removed from the Rihanna "mishap," as he calls it (yes, I know he later tried to clear up what he said, but the guy is still an idiot). And, this video is just stupid. Why are the slutty girls dancing on Nintendo controllers? Why does Chris Brown have the need to constantly talk about his dick? And the line "ladies love me" DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS ONE BLOGGER, LET ME TELL YOU.

So have I lost a little respect for Diplo? Of course. His hotness, however, has never been in question. And my moral ambiguity just made me feel totally shitty.

+ Photos courtesy of tvrage.com, bothersbar.co.uk, cdn.rap-up.com

Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Hot and not.

Maybe this "Hot and Not" discussion will be a weekly thing, I don't know. But here's one good-looking person and not-good-looking person. It's pretty self-explanatory.

NOT: Pink, at the March 10 Los Angeles premiere of "The Lincoln Lawyer."


I know she's pregnant, so I can understand wearing a caftan because duh, it's comfy. Shit, I would wear caftans all the time if that were socially acceptable. Going to work? Caftan. Going to the bank? Caftan. Going to my brother's medical school graduation? Caftan. I'm lazy, if you couldn't tell.

But I really have to veto Pink's grey hair - I know she's had it for a couple years, since '08 - because I don't think a woman should be pregnant and also have grey hair. That raises all kinds of older-lady-with-baby-growing-inside-her visions, and since Pink isn't an AARP member, I would like her to go back to her namesake. Or black. Or blond. Something that just isn't terrible, you know? Something that doesn't remind me of the 2009 story of a pregnant 66-year-old, the oldest woman to give birth. Because, ew.

HOT: Jim Parrack, at the March 8 Los Angeles premiere of "Battle: Los Angeles."


I've pined ever since he started playing Hoyt on "True Blood," and his relationship with vampire Jessica (Deborah Ann Wall) is the only one I care about on the show. When they got back together last season, it was totally the best ...


... and if you know my affinity for white trash-looking dudes, you can understand my soft spot for the guy. See?


So here's the lesson: COME BACK TO ME, TRUE BLOOD. COME BACK. Dear June, arrive faster, thanks. And bring Hoyt's hotness with you.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, 2.bp.blogspot.com, 26.media.tumblr.com

Things that are ugly.

They're ugly. Laugh at them. I did.

Victoria's Secret pleather bathing suit, $58 and $30

It seems to me like a fake leather bathing suit would heat up like some shit when under the sun. Also, it looks terrible. The model does not, but dear god I can only imagine some faux-goth middle schooler wearing this at the beach. Gross.

Leather harness top, $300

I honestly have no words that could further describe the ugliness. What is the purpose of a leather harness? Who would actually wear this? Are you suddenly trying out to be a member of Interpol, to replace Carlos D.? Because no. Just no.

Gladiator sandals with bows, $297

Because chafing is really what you want this summer.

+ Photos courtesy of Victoria's Secret, Need Supply

Sundays bore me.

Seriously, they do. Unless football is on, what is Sunday really good for? Basically nothing. All I'm doing is sitting here working through my DVR. These stories are the only things capturing my attention in any way. Until lunchtime. Lunchtime always has my attention.

1. Baz Lurhmann avoids talking about whether he's ACTUALLY working on "The Great Gatsby" film adaptation or not. I'm sorry, what? Word on the street was the main roles had already been cast - including Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan - and that the film would be shot in 3-D and NOT in New York City. But now Baz is kind of denying all of it. Great. Thanks. Wonderful.


All I want is more Leo, OK? What's wrong with that? Especially more tortured Leo, like he was in "Inception." My heart, it flutters! Oh, and I find it REAL disgusting that Kristen Stewart made more than Leo last year, by about $500K - $28.5 million compared to $28 million. That's more money than I'll ever see in my life, but I'm pretty sure Leo > everyone else.

2. Chef Mario Batali, who is good friends with Gwyneth Paltrow and collaborated with her on a 2008 cookbook and another upcoming one, says he thinks she was "playing nervous" onstage, like when performing at the Country Music Awards:



IF MARIO IS RIGHT, I'm super-bummed. I love Gwyneth and how she's wonderful at everything but I also love humanizing her, like maybe she was all nervous back in the day but through performing on "Glee" she's grown more confident, like she was on the Grammys!



So you know, like she's human and not a perfect superbeing. That would be cool (and I love this essay on Gwyneth, which explains why people hate her but shouldn't). You're killing me, Mario.

3. And lastly, Al Jazeera did a piece on the Mexican city of Juarez, where a shitton of women disappear, get raped and die on a regular basis. The city's been covered a lot in the media already, but Al Jazeera's story reminded me of how makeup company MAC had planned on releasing a Juarez-themed collection last year, in partnership with fashion company Rodarte, who had released a clothing collection based on the women of Juarez.


The lipsticks, eyeshadows and other cosmetics (some seen above) had names inspired by the city's violence, like "Ghost Town" and "Factory," and though MAC had said they would donate some of the profits to organizations serving the city, they eventually canceled the collection because of all the bad PR. The more I think about it now, I wish they had gone through with it - the problems in Juarez aren't getting any better, and wouldn't some money have helped? Any amount of money? I know ultimately it was in bad taste to have names that seemingly objectified the women, but given that the shithole is getting crappier by the day, I can't help but think that some money and attention is exactly what Juarez needs to finally change.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, latina.com

For shame, people.

Here are some things that should embarrass all of us when heading into the weekend, because there's nothing that will get you more jazzed up for two days off than terrible parents and terrible films. Yayyy!

1. I recently made the mistake of watching the trailer for "The Smurfs" movie, which comes out Aug. 3. Because people for some reason want to hear Katy Perry talk instead of seeing her boobs. Hahaha kidding! No seriously Katy show me your boobs.



2. This Orlando couple admitted to beating a 3-year-old boy to death after he wet himself - then they ate a pizza and watched a movie and finally called the cops hours later to pretend the kid was "wheezing" and the noise wouldn't let them sleep. Things this proves: A. Florida is crazy and B. people are crazy and C. people who kill people should be killed by the same way they murdered the other person. I'm talking an eye-for-an-eye justice. That's not just because I'm vaguely Muslim, but because HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE AWFUL HOW DO YOU KILL A BABY ARGHHHHH.

3. Snakeskin pedicures are apparently a thing - women pay $300 or so to get real snakeskin applied to their toenails, a six-month-long process. Why? I don't have answers for why. Because people have a shitton of money and are often retarded? That's as close as I can get. For what other reason would you attach a reptile's discarded skin on your body - for hundreds of dollars? WHY. ELSE. Can't people just go forage in the desert for snakeskin and use Krazy Glue? That's my low-budget suggestion.

4. Lastly, and most depressingly for me, I'm pretty sure I have all the elements of Zac Efron's outfit in the below picture.


And I'm pretty sure I've worn them in the exact same configuration. I'm terrible, I know - but sweaters are comfy! And so are cut-off jean shorts! Fuck you all.

+ Photo courtesy of Dlisted.com

This is the part where I offer some opinions.

If you're trying to figure out what to do this weekend and have decided that spending on overpriced movie tickets and super-salty popcorn and humongous cups of soda is in the cards, please, let me guide your choices. I reviewed the three movies opening this weekend, and if you don't read them, I will kill you.


- Mars Needs Moms: So touching! So Disney! Starring Seth Green but with his voice swapped out for a small child's! Given that he's a grown-ass man playing a kid, I agree with that choice. Overall, a solid flick if you're feeling like a kid again.


- Battle: Los Angeles: Stuff blows up, people die, there are aliens, Aaron Eckhart has a really strong jawline. That's really all you need to know. Did I mention the explosions? And Eckhart's jawline? Because it's really chiseled.


- Red Riding Hood: I can only hope that everyone involved with this movie, except Leonardo DiCaprio, meets an untimely death. That's a drastic pronouncement, but seriously, the movie is terrible. So maybe I don't want them to die, but I DO want someone in Hollywood to get their shit together and stop funding everything that rips off "Twilight." Really, I more want Stephenie Meyer to die. That's more accurate.

+ Photos courtesy of daemonsmovies.com, netkushi.com, collider.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

Things I'm torn about, part I.

OK, that title is misleading. I'm always torn about things. Should I buy everything from Illamasqua's Toxic Nature collection now, when it's only offered in Britain and therefore costs a shitton because our conversion rate into pounds sucks, OR wait until Sephora eventually carries it at hopefully cheaper prices? Should I eventually watch the HBO movie about Sarah Palin and John McCain, or will it just make me want to vomit all over my TV? And, should I really be reading these spoilers about the new season of "True Blood," therefore ruining my joy when it finally comes back in June?!@! Decisions, DECISIONS.

Anyway, here's some other stuff that has got me all rankled today. (P.S. Did you know "wrankles" are supposedly the wrinkles on a penis? Hey, it's what UrbanDictionary told me.)

1. These hearings from the House Homeland Security Committee on "radical Islam," organized by chairman Peter King (R-N.Y.). I don't really like talking about politics or religion because it inevitably becomes a screaming match full of ignorance and blatant bigotry, but reading the Post's recaps of what's happening is making me real emotional. It's tough to hear all these Muslims talking about how fucked up the country is and how torn they are regarding how much they have to defend themselves and their beliefs, and as the child of two Iranian Muslim immigrants I've been in some crappy situations before, so I understand the pain there. It's just sad. America makes me sad. Let's not forget that King is the same guy who said "There are too many mosques in this country," because, you know, that's fucking tolerant.

2. Changing subjects, apparently the world's youngest grandmother is 23. ROMANIA WHAT. I AM 23. The idea of an 11-year-old having a child is pretty insane - just like this story that the New York Times recently reported about an 11-year-old being gang-raped. (Jezebel says all the interviews in the story seemingly sympathize with the rapists, which is true, but I must say that quoting people who are biased doesn't necessarily make a story biased, people.) Anyway, if the U.S. made a TV show about the Romanian granny, they couldn't even call it "Teen Mom" - it would have to be "Tween Mom." And that just blew my mind.

3. Did anyone know that a Terp is going to be on the next season of "The Real World," the return to Las Vegas? I don't know who he is, but apparently we have a friend in common on Facebook, meaning I can grab this photo of him:


Wiki tells me Michael Ross, 23, "is a conservative" and "the president of the UMD Students against National Healthcare" group. MTV tells me he's a "beer pong pro, and all around nice guy" who has had to struggle with family hardship when his mother got sick with cancer. That sucks, I must admit. BUT I hope to watch all of his morals eventually chip away in Vegas, because that's what I hope happens to all douchey people who call themselves an "outspoken Libertartian." However, he can't have fun there. He just needs to have all his values shattered.

4. DUH, everyone by now knows that I worked for American Apparel and that founder Dov Charney is a raging perv. Well, now one of the girls who claims he raped her is suing for $250 million, and in case you need more reasons to think the guy is a jerk, here's a rundown of all his past transgressions. I say this while wearing an American Apparel hoodie. Don't judge me.

5. And lastly, I haven't fully gotten into "The Wire," making me a horrible fan of pop culture, but I do find it interesting that while everyone is reporting how Felicia "Snoop" Pearson from the show got arrested today for drugs in Baltimore, no one is remembering how she was on that episode of "No Reservations" where Anthony Bourdain went to Baltimore.


I dug up his blog post about that episode, which aired in '09, and it's an interesting read. Sad now in hindsight, but still good.

+ Photos courtesy of Facebook, soupsoup.tumblr.com.

Rain = suxx.

Washington, D.C., and its surrounding suburbs are under some CRAZY RAIN ARMAGEDDON alert today, so basically looking outside is uber-dreary. This is the kind of day where, if I were still in college, I would ditch all my classes and hang out in my room and watch reruns of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" or something, and only brave the outside for frozen yogurt, a huge cup of Diet Dr Pepper and a veggie burger with extra relish and honey mustard. I make really gross food choices, it's true.

Today, probably cuz of all the moping around while I'm at work, has created a mixed gossip bag. See?

1. Kanye West is applying for a master's in fashion from Central Saint Martins College in London; former students there include M.I.A. and Stella McCartney, the former of whom made some crazy overpriced clothes a few years ago and the latter of whom also charges exorbitant prices but makes pretty things (I like the dress best). Anyway, so Kanye thinks he can legitimately study fashion; I refuse to believe that because he and Amber Rose created this picture together.


Isn't fashion supposed to be art? And aren't photos then considered art? CLEARLY KANYE CANNOT CREATE ART. So awful.

2. Bonne Bell is making lip balms flavored like Skittles. Because THAT'S not gross. So many pharmacy makeup brands' products smell and taste like ass anyway because of their cheap quality, so that waxy nastiness coupled with the overwhelmingly fake fruity flavors of Skittles makes me super-nauseated. Although, I have to say that Skittles commercials are some of the best, especially when they involve singing rabbits and weird candy superpowers.





3. Phil Collins is retiring from music due to health problems, mainly negative effects from his years of playing drums. Definitely a loss, mainly because a. he's awesome and b. he basically gave us the funniest moment in "The Hangover". "The Hangover 2" is coming out in a few months, which gives me joy for this year's shitty movies so far.



4. In a moment that reminds me of my boyfriend, Joel Madden yelled at wife Nicole Richie on Twitter for spending $3,000 in pillows. My boyfriend will UNDOUBTEDLY be offended that I compared him to Joel Madden (even though I TOTALLY STILL love Good Charlotte), but I'm pretty sure if I spent $3K on pillows he would dump me on pure principle. I mean, they're fucking pillows. There is no need to spend thousands.

5. And in a move that I actually respect for its sheer trashiness, Christina Aguilera, fresh off her arrest for being drunk and crazy, returned to the same place where she got drunk ... and got drunk again. That's a hot mess I can respect. I love this quote from the OMG! Yahoo story: "When it was time to leave, "She seemed tipsy," the observer notes." Wouldn't you be tipsy if you were XXXTina? "Burlesque" tanked, no one cares about her new music, and I still laugh about how she messed up the National Anthem. Drink to forget, people.

+ Photo courtesy of HipHop.Popcrunch.com

PLEASE BE OVER WORKDAY

SO CLOSE. to the weekend.

All I plan on doing this weekend is organizing my makeup and watching "The X-Files," because BBC America shows reruns of them and it's the middle of the second season and HOLY CRAP so much stuff happens that season, mainly including Dana Scully/Gillian Anderson looking like a total babe:


... while often rocking shoulder pads.


Amazing.

Anyway, I digress. Here's the rundown of daily crap to get you into the weekend:

1. Jimmy Fallon gets his own Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, featuring "vanilla bean ice cream, fudge-covered potato chip clusters, all with a salty caramel swirl." First, that sounds gross; I don't want chips in my ice cream because I'm not Homer fucking Simpson. Secondly, when did Jimmy Fallon become such a foodie? Does NBC really have no one else to pimp out that they are able to get him on his own episode of "Top Chef" AND he somehow gets an ice cream flavor? I'm single-handedly helping ice cream sales soar during the recession (OK, a lot of other people are being fat too, but still) and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any goddamn recognition. Where are my "Top Chef" cronies at?

2. "Blade Runner" may get a sequel or a prequel, brought to you by Alcon Entertainment, the same producers who created "The Blind Side" and "The Book of Eli" - which BOTH SUCKED. The company has bought the rights and are bouncing around ideas, and I hope that during this process, they somehow manage to all die. What the fuck, guys? There are already 27 movie sequels coming out this year, more than any other year ever, and now you have to ruin the best character Harrison Ford ever played? Yeah, I said it. Deckard > Han Solo. Eat it.

3. I'm thinking about grad school in the fall, and I had considered going to Northwestern University before realizing it was a. too expensive and b. too far away. HOW HAPPY AM I to find out that I effectively avoided seeing a woman get pleasured by her boyfriend in front of a class. Uh, yeah. He used a sex toy on her as part of a human sexuality discussion. I remember when I was in college, state delegates got pissed because a student group considered showing a porn film on campus. I'm sure those same Republicans would lose their shit if they realized some chick was getting off in front of students as part of their curriculum. Keep it classy, Wildcats.

4. If you're bored, feel free to read the reviews I wrote this week, of "Beastly" and "The Adjustment Bureau." I will finally acknowledge that Vanessa Hudgens is hot (especially at the Oscars after-party earlier this week; plz click through the whole slideshow because it's hilarious), but holy shit "Beastly" sucks. Girl, you dumb.

+ EDIT: My needy roommate would like me to tell the world that she passed along the Northwestern story to me, and I otherwise wouldn't have known about the lady that played with a sex toy in front of class. Am I trying to keep our love a secret? Maybe.

+ Photos courtesy of fucknoshoulderpads.tumblr.com (a blog specifically dedicated to Scully's outfits!) and forums.comicbookresources.com

Blergh.

A rapid rundown of things you should know about today:

1. I reviewed "Drive Angry" in 3-D, which came out last week and was pretty terrible. Why Nicolas Cage, why? How are you still bankrupt? Oh right because your most recent film was "Season of the Witch," which sucked a huge one but somehow made a profit. Because people are dumb. Really, really dumb.

2. SO DUMB, IN FACT, that George Lucas is going to release "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3-D in 2012. What have we done as a people to deserve such terribleness? Baz Luhrmann shooting "The Great Gatsby" in 3-D wasn't enough, we now have to suffer the terror of Jar-Jar swinging his dopiness around all screen, REALLY CLOSE to my face? Great. Thanks George Lucas. I hope Skywalker Ranch erupts into Waco-like flames.

3. Lastly, my favorite part of today came when Mos Def called out Usher's and Justin Bieber's weird, vaguely incestuous, kind of creepy mentorship relationship with this perfect tweet: "I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher." Classy, sir. Classy. It's like this one time my boyfriend showed me a video of Mos Def being all sketchy and high at a record store.



How can you NOT love him? I imagine him and James Franco hanging out all the time, mimicking the high faces Franco made during the Oscars this weekend. So. Fucking. High.

+ EDIT: The boyfriend informs me this can't be Mos Def's real Twitter account, because a. Mos Def is often too high to understand how to use a computer and b. probably can't "type relatively coherent sentences." Fine - but whoever is posing as Mos Def is also hilarious.

I haven't seen a face this crazed since Dave Chappelle was Tyrone.

MY GOD.


What kind of cracked-out fuckery is this? Why does Jason Segel look like he just got off a 12-day drug binge where he sucked off dealers for the best kind of coke in town? And why is Minnie Mouse his No. 1 prostitute?! This picture is fucking with a lot of my childhood memories, let me tell you. And it makes all the puppets in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" suddenly seem totally dirty ...

+ Photo courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Old men are so fucking dashing, no?

OK, so ... I'm really in love with Andy Garcia (shown here at the Los Angeles premiere of "Toy Story 3" on June 13) right now.


What is this face? I don't EVEN CARE. This gnocchi-sex scene in "The Godfather III" has made me love the man forever. Pasta AND semi-incestuous sex? It's so disgusting that I'm totally into it.


Oh, and mustaches. I gotta fucking love an unironic 'stache.

P.S. Britney Spears was at the premiere too, and it looks like she fucking just rolled out of bed and went in a nightgown.


To be fair, it's like a nightgown crossed with an ice skating outfit from Tara Lipinski's '90s reign of terror. I mean, at least Britney is wearing a bra (I think). Small victories, people.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, Screenrush.co.uk

Your craziness at a Spinal Tap 11. I need it at like, a two.

Dear M.I.A.,

I'm really going to need you to stop being such an uppity bitch. Like, seriously. Stop being so obnoxious about the article Lynn Hirschberg wrote about you in the New York Times. Here's my reasoning, OK:

First of all, at least the article about you wasn't as bad as the one Hirschberg wrote about Courtney Love, in which she basically insinuated that Love took heroin when she was pregnant with her daughter.

Secondly, how can you get pissed off for someone writing their opinion of you, when your entire image is based on your opinion of others? Like the time you told Nylon you think the CIA developed Google and Facebook. Bitch you are SO CRAZY.

And lastly, your dis track against Hirschberg, "I'm a Singer," sucks.



And this is coming from someone who loves your other new songs, "Born Free" and "XXXO," so get off your fucking high horse.

Love,

- Me, a fan who once paid for a T-shirt from your line. The one you're wearing in this picture, in fact:


Thankfully, I got it on sale, even though it didn't come with a complimentary Diplo. But if that's not devotion, nothing is.

+ Photos courtesy of Picaso

Maybe they just look alike because they're both Italian?

Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:



And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?


I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:

"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Such a bitch! (She also bizarrely mocked Gaga for getting "burger money" in an interview with NME). So start fighting, you overpaid limelight-lovers. You give my life meaning - well, at least content for this damn blog.

+ Photo courtesy of The Independent

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

People who do ecstasy say what?

People STILL go to raves? I had no fucking idea. But apparently, yeah, a crapton of people took some drugs and overdosed and now they might all be dying after some rave in Santa Clara, Calif.

My favorite part of the story, though, is this:

"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."

So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...


And indulge in greasy hamburgers ...


And stalk Lindsay Lohan as she traipses around with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet?


I mean, I know that's what I would do. Obviously. I'm paunchy and love celebrities. DUH.

+ Photos courtesy of MazeofThoughts, Flickr, TMZ

Hats? This summer? Really?

Do people still wear hats? I know fedoras have been making a comeback for a few years, but ... I don't know about all this Easter-colored, pastal-drenched shit.

Cressman by Aldo Accessories, $15


Liddicoat by Aldo Accessories, $18

Confusing, really. If this is because of Sarah Jessica Parker's willingness to wear dumb hats ...



... then I hate everyone involved in this fashion decision.

+ Photos courtesy of Aldo Shoes, OMG! Yahoo