An excuse to talk about Jon Hamm's face.

I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.

1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.


Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.

2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.


Word on the street is Hill is losing weight to star in the upcoming adaptation of "21 Jump Street," which should come out in 2012, and while I commend his 30-pound slim-down so far, I ALSO think his weight loss further accentuates his super-awkward body. His legs are so thin! But he still has a double chin! I don't get it, it's weird, DISLIKE. Get back to me when you lose enough weight to look like a real person, like Seth Rogen did (before he started gaining it back again).

3. Tom Felton at the Empire Awards, sponsored by Jameson, in London on Sunday.


What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.

4. Chloe Moretz at the first Annual Comedy Awards in New York City on Saturday.


Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.

5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.


Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

If Kate Winslet and Emma Watson do a cosmetics ad together I will annihilate something.

I refuse to call Wednesday "Hump Day," because I think a. humping is gross b. yeah. c. if you're humping, why wouldn't you just have sex already? d. I don't get it.

And yet, HERE WE ARE. Tomorrow I leave town to attend my brother's medical school graduation ceremony, so if you don't see any posts by me until Saturday, contain your tears. I know it's tough. It will tear you apart, probably. BUT POWER THROUGH. I'll be back this weekend.

Until then, have this.

1. Pink - whose awful hair I commented on in a recent post - admits her new hair sucks, and goes the easy route: blaming it on the hairstylist. As one of my friends pointed out, she looks like Mrs. Roper with the new hair and the caftan. I should have loved that, since Mrs. Roper had amazing outfits like this ...


... and this ...


... but on Pink, the caftan + shitty hair = not as good. Maybe she'll let her hair grow out and will hopefully go to another hairdresser next time. May I suggest someone who doesn't suck?

2. Did anyone else know that Carson Daly's show was still on the air? Prepare to have your mind blown even more: NBC just picked it up for an 11th season. ELEVEN. YEARS. It's amazing to realize that Daly has managed to stay relevant that long, and it's horrible that the only thing I can really tell you about all his time in the spotlight is that he's lost some weight since his "TRL" days. See?


Anyway, I miss nothing about "TRL" but the Backstreet Boys. I didn't have cable when "TRL" was on the air so I used to make my friends record episodes for me - ON VHS! - so I could watch them later. I still think I have this music video on tape somewhere.



3. I've always been jealous of Emma Watson - those legs! that daring pixie haircut! - and now I'm EVEN MORE JEALOUS that she LEFT her education at Brown University to go be the new face of Lancôme. Here's a picture of her shooting an ad in Paris earlier this week:


You know what makes me most angry, though? KATE WINSLET, FEMALE ICON OF MY LIFE, ALSO WORKS FOR LANCOME.


Meaning that Emma Watson and Kate Winslet will probably get to hang out and be friends and do British things together. I AM SO JEALOUS I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPS TO CONVEY MY FEELINGS OF ENVY AND RAGE.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, 4.bp.blogspot.com, www.starling-fitness.com, justjared.buzznet.com, models.com

I command music videos to amuse me.

How the fuck is this day dragging on so long? Utter pain. I've translated this boredom into watching music videos at work. Duh.

Here are some thoughts:

GREAT: Good Charlotte, "Last Night"



Good Charlotte teams up with the "Funny or Die" crew and MARC SUMMERS, who used to host "Double Dare" back in the day and now hosts "Unwrapped" on the Food Network, to give me a flashback to how great that show was. I'm also digging the weird "Super Mario Bros." vibe with all the matching outfits. I could have rocked that show. Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker knows what I'm talking about.

Also, I TOTALLY MISS "Secrets of the Cryptkeeper’s Haunted House," which used to be on Saturday mornings and which I KNEW I COULD WIN as a child. Remember the logo?


And the Cryptkeeper?


All you had to do in the final round was find those skulls in the haunted house and stack them up! The kids who lost were useless bitches.

HMM: Jessie J, "Mama Knows Best," on "Saturday Night Live" March 12



This is so enthralling that I can't stop watching. I want Jessie J to choreograph everyone's dance moves. Do you think she rehearsed all this? I can only imagine what the fuck the "SNL" crew thought during those moments - especially during her possessed faces during the end. Call an exorcist! I'm not saying she's bad, it's just so energetic and obviously off-the-cuff (I hope). I will keep watching this on mute for maximum enjoyment.

BLERGH: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne, "Look at Me Now"



So it makes me really upset that Diplo made this beat (you can see him for a few seconds mugging in the beginning of the video, and here he is posing with the Delorean featured in the vid) ...


... because it's so good and because I hate Chris Brown so much, and therefore have to disrespect Diplo for working with him. Diplo is yet another one of my white-trash love affairs from afar, even though the one time I interviewed him a few years ago he wasn't the nicest/most talkative guy (I can't find the story online, boo). I do remember that I asked him why he was in jail the night before and he refused to talk about it and then was snippy the entire rest of the interview. Awesome.

REGARDLESS, I still can't stand Chris Brown, years removed from the Rihanna "mishap," as he calls it (yes, I know he later tried to clear up what he said, but the guy is still an idiot). And, this video is just stupid. Why are the slutty girls dancing on Nintendo controllers? Why does Chris Brown have the need to constantly talk about his dick? And the line "ladies love me" DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS ONE BLOGGER, LET ME TELL YOU.

So have I lost a little respect for Diplo? Of course. His hotness, however, has never been in question. And my moral ambiguity just made me feel totally shitty.

+ Photos courtesy of tvrage.com, bothersbar.co.uk, cdn.rap-up.com

Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Hot and not.

Maybe this "Hot and Not" discussion will be a weekly thing, I don't know. But here's one good-looking person and not-good-looking person. It's pretty self-explanatory.

NOT: Pink, at the March 10 Los Angeles premiere of "The Lincoln Lawyer."


I know she's pregnant, so I can understand wearing a caftan because duh, it's comfy. Shit, I would wear caftans all the time if that were socially acceptable. Going to work? Caftan. Going to the bank? Caftan. Going to my brother's medical school graduation? Caftan. I'm lazy, if you couldn't tell.

But I really have to veto Pink's grey hair - I know she's had it for a couple years, since '08 - because I don't think a woman should be pregnant and also have grey hair. That raises all kinds of older-lady-with-baby-growing-inside-her visions, and since Pink isn't an AARP member, I would like her to go back to her namesake. Or black. Or blond. Something that just isn't terrible, you know? Something that doesn't remind me of the 2009 story of a pregnant 66-year-old, the oldest woman to give birth. Because, ew.

HOT: Jim Parrack, at the March 8 Los Angeles premiere of "Battle: Los Angeles."


I've pined ever since he started playing Hoyt on "True Blood," and his relationship with vampire Jessica (Deborah Ann Wall) is the only one I care about on the show. When they got back together last season, it was totally the best ...


... and if you know my affinity for white trash-looking dudes, you can understand my soft spot for the guy. See?


So here's the lesson: COME BACK TO ME, TRUE BLOOD. COME BACK. Dear June, arrive faster, thanks. And bring Hoyt's hotness with you.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, 2.bp.blogspot.com, 26.media.tumblr.com

Sundays bore me.

Seriously, they do. Unless football is on, what is Sunday really good for? Basically nothing. All I'm doing is sitting here working through my DVR. These stories are the only things capturing my attention in any way. Until lunchtime. Lunchtime always has my attention.

1. Baz Lurhmann avoids talking about whether he's ACTUALLY working on "The Great Gatsby" film adaptation or not. I'm sorry, what? Word on the street was the main roles had already been cast - including Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan - and that the film would be shot in 3-D and NOT in New York City. But now Baz is kind of denying all of it. Great. Thanks. Wonderful.


All I want is more Leo, OK? What's wrong with that? Especially more tortured Leo, like he was in "Inception." My heart, it flutters! Oh, and I find it REAL disgusting that Kristen Stewart made more than Leo last year, by about $500K - $28.5 million compared to $28 million. That's more money than I'll ever see in my life, but I'm pretty sure Leo > everyone else.

2. Chef Mario Batali, who is good friends with Gwyneth Paltrow and collaborated with her on a 2008 cookbook and another upcoming one, says he thinks she was "playing nervous" onstage, like when performing at the Country Music Awards:



IF MARIO IS RIGHT, I'm super-bummed. I love Gwyneth and how she's wonderful at everything but I also love humanizing her, like maybe she was all nervous back in the day but through performing on "Glee" she's grown more confident, like she was on the Grammys!



So you know, like she's human and not a perfect superbeing. That would be cool (and I love this essay on Gwyneth, which explains why people hate her but shouldn't). You're killing me, Mario.

3. And lastly, Al Jazeera did a piece on the Mexican city of Juarez, where a shitton of women disappear, get raped and die on a regular basis. The city's been covered a lot in the media already, but Al Jazeera's story reminded me of how makeup company MAC had planned on releasing a Juarez-themed collection last year, in partnership with fashion company Rodarte, who had released a clothing collection based on the women of Juarez.


The lipsticks, eyeshadows and other cosmetics (some seen above) had names inspired by the city's violence, like "Ghost Town" and "Factory," and though MAC had said they would donate some of the profits to organizations serving the city, they eventually canceled the collection because of all the bad PR. The more I think about it now, I wish they had gone through with it - the problems in Juarez aren't getting any better, and wouldn't some money have helped? Any amount of money? I know ultimately it was in bad taste to have names that seemingly objectified the women, but given that the shithole is getting crappier by the day, I can't help but think that some money and attention is exactly what Juarez needs to finally change.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, latina.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

Rain = suxx.

Washington, D.C., and its surrounding suburbs are under some CRAZY RAIN ARMAGEDDON alert today, so basically looking outside is uber-dreary. This is the kind of day where, if I were still in college, I would ditch all my classes and hang out in my room and watch reruns of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" or something, and only brave the outside for frozen yogurt, a huge cup of Diet Dr Pepper and a veggie burger with extra relish and honey mustard. I make really gross food choices, it's true.

Today, probably cuz of all the moping around while I'm at work, has created a mixed gossip bag. See?

1. Kanye West is applying for a master's in fashion from Central Saint Martins College in London; former students there include M.I.A. and Stella McCartney, the former of whom made some crazy overpriced clothes a few years ago and the latter of whom also charges exorbitant prices but makes pretty things (I like the dress best). Anyway, so Kanye thinks he can legitimately study fashion; I refuse to believe that because he and Amber Rose created this picture together.


Isn't fashion supposed to be art? And aren't photos then considered art? CLEARLY KANYE CANNOT CREATE ART. So awful.

2. Bonne Bell is making lip balms flavored like Skittles. Because THAT'S not gross. So many pharmacy makeup brands' products smell and taste like ass anyway because of their cheap quality, so that waxy nastiness coupled with the overwhelmingly fake fruity flavors of Skittles makes me super-nauseated. Although, I have to say that Skittles commercials are some of the best, especially when they involve singing rabbits and weird candy superpowers.





3. Phil Collins is retiring from music due to health problems, mainly negative effects from his years of playing drums. Definitely a loss, mainly because a. he's awesome and b. he basically gave us the funniest moment in "The Hangover". "The Hangover 2" is coming out in a few months, which gives me joy for this year's shitty movies so far.



4. In a moment that reminds me of my boyfriend, Joel Madden yelled at wife Nicole Richie on Twitter for spending $3,000 in pillows. My boyfriend will UNDOUBTEDLY be offended that I compared him to Joel Madden (even though I TOTALLY STILL love Good Charlotte), but I'm pretty sure if I spent $3K on pillows he would dump me on pure principle. I mean, they're fucking pillows. There is no need to spend thousands.

5. And in a move that I actually respect for its sheer trashiness, Christina Aguilera, fresh off her arrest for being drunk and crazy, returned to the same place where she got drunk ... and got drunk again. That's a hot mess I can respect. I love this quote from the OMG! Yahoo story: "When it was time to leave, "She seemed tipsy," the observer notes." Wouldn't you be tipsy if you were XXXTina? "Burlesque" tanked, no one cares about her new music, and I still laugh about how she messed up the National Anthem. Drink to forget, people.

+ Photo courtesy of HipHop.Popcrunch.com

Your craziness at a Spinal Tap 11. I need it at like, a two.

Dear M.I.A.,

I'm really going to need you to stop being such an uppity bitch. Like, seriously. Stop being so obnoxious about the article Lynn Hirschberg wrote about you in the New York Times. Here's my reasoning, OK:

First of all, at least the article about you wasn't as bad as the one Hirschberg wrote about Courtney Love, in which she basically insinuated that Love took heroin when she was pregnant with her daughter.

Secondly, how can you get pissed off for someone writing their opinion of you, when your entire image is based on your opinion of others? Like the time you told Nylon you think the CIA developed Google and Facebook. Bitch you are SO CRAZY.

And lastly, your dis track against Hirschberg, "I'm a Singer," sucks.



And this is coming from someone who loves your other new songs, "Born Free" and "XXXO," so get off your fucking high horse.

Love,

- Me, a fan who once paid for a T-shirt from your line. The one you're wearing in this picture, in fact:


Thankfully, I got it on sale, even though it didn't come with a complimentary Diplo. But if that's not devotion, nothing is.

+ Photos courtesy of Picaso

Maybe they just look alike because they're both Italian?

Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:



And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?


I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:

"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Such a bitch! (She also bizarrely mocked Gaga for getting "burger money" in an interview with NME). So start fighting, you overpaid limelight-lovers. You give my life meaning - well, at least content for this damn blog.

+ Photo courtesy of The Independent

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

Ciara's ability to gyrate her torso is mesmerizing.

I have always felt like Ciara is trying to claw her way to the top of the R&B heap, and I feel like if she could, she would rip out Rihanna's eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.

But in terms of just straight-out fucking crazy, Kelis wins, right? Watch these three videos: Rihanna does the whole fake lesbian thing with "Te Amo," Ciara astounds with her ability to booty-pop in "Ride" and Kelis ... well, bitch is just insane. I get that her and Nas just got their divorce finalized, but he is supposed to pay $44,000 a MONTH in child support! I feel like when you're sitting on that kind of money, you shouldn't be in this fucking weird. The world doesn't need another Lady Gaga.

Rihanna, "Te Amo" -



Ciara, "Ride" -



Kelis, "Acapella" -

Comics are always better than Carrie.

Dear this weekend,

Despite the fact that you are a three-day endeavor, I am not excited about your existence. Mainly because you allowed the following abominations of nature to happen. Let me explain.

Elaborately,

- Me.

1. Miley Cyrus again claims she doesn't listen to pop music, this time wrapped in an interview where she bashes "Glee" but also attempts to convince us that her music is not just "glitz and glamour." "A lot of [pop] songs are super shallow, but this music isn't," she insists of her upcoming album, "Can't Be Tamed."

See, here's where I get confused: I'm pretty sure that dressing like a humongous slut and gyrating onstage to covers of bands you don't know - if she knows who the Runaways are, I will fucking swear off ice cream or something - is "super shallow."



Stupid hypocritical bitch!!

2. And then in MORE Miley-related news, she awkwardly suggests onstage that she's not at all over Nick Jonas. In introducing a song describing their break-up, she goes, "They're always gonna come back together no matter what anyone says or the bad people that try to keep you apart. Surprise surprise, it's about a Jonas brother." Hold the phone, people - I'm pretty sure that her current boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is way better looking than that Jonas kid, but even still. Shame on anyone for dating that trashbox.

3. I guessed a few days ago that Heidi leaving Spencer was really just so they could get another TV show after "The Hills" ends this year, and sadly enough, that guess is coming true: Old "Hills" castmate Jennifer Bunney claims that she and Heidi are getting a house together in Malibu this summer and are filming a new reality show. For anyone who gives a fuck, Bunney was in Lauren Conrad's inner circle with Heidi ...


... Before she tried to fuck around with Brody Jenner, pissing off LC and basically getting her kicked out of the clique. So it makes sense that she and Heidi, both now scum on LC's shoes, would be teaming up together. Oh, the memories, when they both looked normal ...


4. "Sex and the City 2," which was pretty universally panned by critics, brings in $46.3 million so far after opening Wednesday at midnight. No, I'm not angry that the film didn't make enough money, I'm pissed that it made so much. Seriously, can someone put the crones away?


Like, I'm supposed to believe this was a flashback to when Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie arrived in New York City in the '80s? Oh, OK. I guess leathery and weathered was in back then.

5. And lastly, no more "Iron Man" appearances until "The Avengers," according to director Jon Favreau. Sadness. As simple as that.

+ Photos courtesy of The Hollywood Gossip, Zimbio, 80MillionMoviesFree

Kat Von D is still dating Bam Margera, but this is a win in my book.

You know, I think it's pretty interesting that Kat Von D, well-known fan of crazy hair colors and vagina-flashing leggings (and apparently strange posed pictures with Nick Cannon) ...


... looks better than most other people at E!'s 20th birthday bash Monday at the London Hotel in West Hollywood. Especially when compared to Kelly Rowland, who used to be in Destiny's Child and made millions of dollars with one of the hottest girl-groups ever and yet can't seem to wear a suit that doesn't make her look like a fucking pile of vomit some kid threw up after eating too much Halloween candy.


And don't make a face, we've all done it. All fat kids are the same! It's our life's burden - we cry, eat, repeat. It's a system.


I'm sure Khloe knows what I'm talking about. I'm guessing Quick Trim just pays for her to wear Spanx and whore products out with Kim, because ... I mean, that seems a lot easier than exercising.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

So, about that ...

Things that should be vaguely offensive:

Rihanna in blackface,



and Beyonce mimicking 1950s white culture.



And I don't mean that because like, OH NO, A BLACK WOMAN CAN'T CREATE ALLUSIONS TO MARILYN MONROE, but more like, what? Where is this fascination of hers with Bettie Page and and Monroe coming from all of a sudden? I just don't get it.

Or maybe I'm too cracked out to form coherent thoughts. Sleep, come to me! Seriously, I want that.

P.S. I must add that I find it seriously creepy to see Rihanna all dolled up in pleather and BDSM-themed gear, and then see her dressed like Slash a few seconds later. What? You're telling me that Def Jam could call up Travis Barker and have him randomly appear in this video, but not actually have the guitarist featured on the damn song show up? Bad form, people.

Fucking GROSS.

All I have to fucking say is, who thinks to themselves, "I want to grow up and be a sexy crow? CAW!! CAW!!"

Because if you think that, fuck you. And fuck Miley Cyrus, too.



P.S. I'm not even going to point out the blatant stupidity of Cyrus singing about how she can't be tamed ... and then she's still in the fucking cage. Patriarchy? Misogyny? Retardery? I don't even have any other words that end in "y" that FULFILL MY RAGE.

You're all idiots.

Dear Washington Post,

Why do you even bother printing this piece, which rounds up four useless opinions from the Style section's music writers on M.I.A.'s latest song, "Born Free," when all the opinions are, well, fucking useless? Great, they think her use of violence is just gathering up buzz for her upcoming album - instead of, you know, in line with the same political opinions she's given on her previous two albums. I know my boyfriend will argue that she's dumb for making an expensive clothing line and naming her kid something stupid, but that doesn't really seem all that relevant to the Post's dumb thoughts.

And somehow, the video for "Born Free" is more offensive to the Post than similar hypocrisies by people they like, such as Lady Gaga, who uses making out with people of the same sex basically for the same reason? God, you all fucking suck.

Pissed-off-ly,

- Me.

People get paid to write about stuff they like. I do it for free.

Time released their most recent influential 100 list for 2010, and though it's full of the usual suspects - like the grossness that is Sarah Palin and Lady Gaga, obviously - there are a lot of choices that fill me with total joy. Here, my nine favorites. Picking 10 would have been too expected. Oh, and I'm a jerk.

1. Zahra Rahnavard, Iranian activist. This is my favorite excerpt from Shirin Ebadi's blurb on her, because it says so much in so little: "Mir-Hossein Mousavi may be the face of Iran's Green protest movement, but the government fears his wife just as much."

2. Kathryn Bigelow, director of "The Hurt Locker." Fellow director Oliver Stone hit gold with the last paragraph on her: "Yet despite enormous accolades, her film is considered a financial failure — like all films about the Iraq war. The question lingers: Why, despite our country's love affair with violence, do Americans refuse to see these realistic films? With The Hurt Locker, Bigelow unflinchingly stuck her finger in the tragic heart of a national wound — our inability to face ourselves."


Also, I still can't get over that picture.

3. Banksy, artist. It makes sense that Shepard Fairey, the guy who made that iconic Obama poster, would say this about the mysterious British graffiti master: "He doesn't ignore boundaries; he crosses them to prove their irrelevance." Simple and direct.


My favorite Banksy piece. So fucking good.

4. Conan O'Brien, God among men. It seems fitting that George Lopez would write about Conan, since they're going to be on TBS together, and I really like the honesty Lopez gives in this piece by kind of admitting that he first doubted O'Brien's on-air talent: "He wasn't a performer; he was a writer. But then I watched, and I recognized his unique perspective. He said things that made me laugh, and I started to feel him. He kept fighting — and I started to respect him. In the world of comedy, his was a Cinderella story in size-15 shoes." Fuck yeah he is!

5. Neill Blomkamp, director. Ridley Scott's blurb about the director of "District 9" isn't that lengthy or engaging, but the list he gives of Blomkamp's feats stand on their own: "His first feature, the improbable but utterly engaging alien-apartheid allegory District 9, has already brought him more acclaim than most filmmakers will ever achieve: a Golden Globe Award nomination, two BAFTA Award nominations and an Academy Award nod, among others." Hopefully it's the beginning of a long and great film career, because, holy fuck,


"District 9" was awesome.

6. Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, executive producers of "Lost." My boyfriend hates me because of how obsessed I am with "Lost," but he'll have nothing to worry about in a few weeks when the show finally, depressingly wraps. But until then, Time's TV critic James Poniewozik puts the appeal of "Lost" pretty well: But Lost is, above all, a soulful and funny saga of flawed people seeking redemption, and these storytellers combined their big ideas with some of the most rollicking popcorn entertainment since Star Wars. With the series' May 23 finale, a.k.a. the TV event of the year, the torture finally ends. And the long debate over the ending begins."


Holy crap, I'm so excited. Even though this promo picture for the sixth and final season is weeks old, it still gives me the creeps.

7. Neil Patrick Harris, actor. Everyone this year has gone apeshit about how much Lady Gaga has done for the LGBT community, but part of me thinks her constant making out with girls and flashing of her ladybits is just fucking exploitative at best. On the complete other side of the spectrum, though, is NPH, and I love what Joss Whedon (a man whom I will forever love for bringing me "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") has to say about him: "He made the issue of his sexuality disappear without desexualizing himself. He can get the girl and sing about the boys, and it all works. The public's perception of gay men is shifting because of this guy, and they'll be too entertained to notice. That's more than a good trick. That's magic." Word.


Years after "Harold and Kumar 2," this is still pretty magical, too, I have to say.

8. Prince. There's nothing else to say but Prince. The artist formerly known as a symbol hasn't really done much this year, but it's interesting that Time still included him on this list - and having Usher write about him is pretty valid: "I was interested in music and trying to find a model. It was Michael, or it was Prince. He had an attitude, a rawness that Michael didn't have. He was not urban, but he was our version of what cool could be. You look at an icon like James Dean or Steve McQueen — they represent a certain energy, a certain poise. That's what Prince has."


Plus, he has that tongue. I'm not approving of it, but I'm just bringing it to your attention.

+ Photos courtesy of Buzzfeed, Flickamag, SciFiScoop, Fanpop, Blogspot, Soulbounce

Good music? No? OK ...

Why is it that all the new songs released today suck? You can listen and judge for yourself, but ...

Miley Cyrus is getting nastier and skankier by the day, which isn't surprising but is still gross,



Christina Aguilera now has a child, so I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be making videos like this anymore (seriously? is that a gag-ball?),



and I miss the days Eminem was a good rapper - like, when he made fun of the aforementioned Aguilera - and didn't rap in that horrible sing-song rhythm that just makes him sound like a fucking goofball. I feel like this is supposed to be an older, more aged sequel to "Lose Yourself," but it's just not charismatic or catchy.



Is Eminem now destined to only rap well on other people's songs, like on Drake's "Forever" and Lil Wayne's "Drop the World?" So upsetting.

I wish M.I.A. didn't break up with Diplo/didn't have a baby/was me/etc.

I really can't decide if I love M.I.A.'s new video for "Born Free" or not.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

It's already gotten lots of hype because it's so violent (if you don't want to watch it, Rolling Stone breaks it down), and Entertainment Weekly reports that M.I.A.'s rep says she doesn't want to comment on it. And I kind of get it. In fact, I actually really like the idea of using gingers, so arbitrarily hated by society, as a substitute for other stupid decisions on behalf of the bloodthirsty American people. Blah blah blah, analysis criticism analysis. But at the end of the day, can't I just hear M.I.A. singing the damn song? Or get a cameo from Diplo?


I'm really shallow sometimes. I just want to see that hot piece's face. White trash, you are my destiny.

EDIT: The full song is really, really good. And Diplo produced it. I am happy again.

+ Photo courtesy of Rollo & Grady