The MTV VMA nominations came out Tuesday, and as always, they're annoying and stupid and wildly out-of-touch. Oh, and this year, MTV blew Lady Gaga's maybe-penis (fast-forward to 55 seconds and figure out for yourself what that crotch flash is actually baring), nominating her and Beyonce for nine categories each. They lead the pack; Britney has seven; Coldplay/Kanye/Eminem have four.
It's going to be hard to guess what happens this year, because fans will determine all of the winners, and these are the same people that gave Tokio Hotel the Best New Artist award last year. Seriously, the stupidest people own computers.
But here's my breakdown on what I consider either the most important categories or the ones with the jankiest nominations, because no one cares about special effects, editing or cinematography anyway. Don't front like you give a shit. These are music videos. It's not like we're judging classic films like "Gone with the Wind" or "There Will Be Blood" or anything.
VIDEO OF THE YEAR: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Britney Spears, "Womanizer;" Kanye West "Love Lockdown"
She wears far too many pairs of those shiny pantyhose that fifth-graders threw out before entering middle school in order to save face and that automatically look like Spanx (and probably are), but when compared to Eminem, Lady Gaga, Britney and Kanye, Beyonce's the clear winner. Gaga is all shtick, Eminem is an awful caricature of his former self, Britney's "Womanizer" isn't nearly as good as "Circus" and "Love Lockdown" mostly just focuses on Kanye lying on his couch. So to Jay-Z's wife should go the spoils, especially if you consider that the song pretty much sparked a pop culture-via-YouTube revolution.
BEST NEW ARTIST: Lady Gaga, "Poker Face"
OTHER NOMINEES: 3OH!3, "Don't Trust Me;" Drake, "Best I Ever Had;" Kid Cudi, "Day 'n' Nite;" Asher Roth, "I Love College"
I have an extremely hard time laying the crown upon this Jersey troll's head, mainly because if either Drake, Kid Cudi or Asher Roth showed up on my doorstep trying to eat some caramels, I would be down. But each of them has really only had a couple of singles to their name, while Gaga had "Just Dance," "Poker Face," "LoveGame," "Paparazzi" and so forth. And, 3OH!3 is probably one of the most offensive groups to ever get airplay on MTV, so fuck those guys.
BEST POP VIDEO: Britney Spears, "Womanizer"
OTHER NOMINEES: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It);" Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester, "Good Girls Go Bad;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Wisin & Yandel, "Abusadora"
Although this pains me because Britney totally didn't deserve Video of the Year, Best Female Video or Best Pop Video Moonmen last year for "Piece of Me," I'm going to swing this her way because Beyonce will probably sweep everything else, "Poker Face" isn't Gaga's best video, Cobra Starship sucks and ain't cute and I've never heard of Wisin & Yandel before. Wikipedia tells me they are a "Puerto Rican Grammy and Latin Grammy award-winning reggaeton recording duo." Great, still don't care.
BEST ROCK VIDEO: Coldplay, "Viva la Vida"
OTHER NOMINEES: Fall Out Boy, "I Don't Care;" Green Day, "21 Guns;" Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody;" Paramore, "Decode"
Fall Out Boy hasn't been good since Pete Wentz showed his peen on the Internet, and though Paramore is one of my guiltiest girl-rock pleasures, "Decode" is as uninspired as the entire "Twilight" series it was written for. I won't even discuss Green Day because their lack of knowing more chords than three depresses me; as a result, it comes down to the foxiness of Caleb Followill and how he drawl/shrieks the word "somebody" and the lovely, glittery, vaguely generic package that is Coldplay. I'm going with the latter.
BEST HIP-HOP VIDEO: Jay-Z, "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Flo Rida feat. Kesha, "Right Round;" Asher Roth, "I Love College;" Kanye West, "Love Lockdown"
It's fucking lame that Jay-Z would write a whole song about hating Auto-Tune and trash-talk T-Pain in it, but not have enough balls to call out Kanye, who made an entire frustratingly monotonous album with the robotic tool. But I guess masters never attack their grasshoppers or something. Anyway, there shouldn't be a contest here - when compared to Eminem, Asher Roth, Kanye and Flo Rida (why the fuck is "Right Round" considered hip-hop? Hip-hop and rap should be different categories), Hova deserves victory.
BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO: ??
NOMINEES: Anjulie, "Boom;" Bat for Lashes, "Daniel;" Chairlift, "Evident Utensil;" Cold War Kids, "I've Seen Enough;" Death Cab for Cutie, "Grapevine Fires;" Gnarls Barkley, "Who's Gonna Save My Soul;" Major Lazer, "Hold the Line;" Matt and Kim, "Lessons Learned;" Passion Pit, "The Reeling;" Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Heads Will Roll"
What the shit is up with this category? The fact that Cold War Kids, Death Cab for Cutie, Gnarls Barkley and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are all nominated - when they've all already had breakthrough videos that have put them on MTV's radar - is confusing at best. Did MTV execs somehow forget about "Hang Me Up to Dry," "I Will Possess Your Heart," "Crazy" and "Maps?" If so, they need a bitchslap to the face, especially because none of the tracks these groups are nominated for actually did shit for their popularity. Of the other groups - Anjulie, Bat for Lashes, Chairlift, Major Lazer, Matt and Kim and Passion Pit - I don't feel like there's a real winner, because it's not like I've ever seen their videos on MTV. Sure, they all have hipster cred - and Major Lazer and Matt and Kim hold special places in my heart for how purely annoying their music is - but I have no idea whose fans will prove obsessive enough.
BEST VIDEO (THAT SHOULD HAVE WON A MOONMAN): Beastie Boys, "Sabotage"
OTHER NOMINEES: Bjork, "Human Behaviour;" Dr. Dre, "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang;" Foo Fighters, "Everlong;" George Michael, "Freedom! '90;" OK Go, "Here It Goes Again;" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Into the Great Wide Open;" Radiohead, "Karma Police;" David Lee Roth, "California Girls;" U2, "Where the Streets Have No Name"
Maybe George Michael and OK Go didn't win Moonmen because they suck. And maybe Tom Petty, David Lee Roth and U2 shouldn't get them now because they're too old to be relevant to MTV's age group. Oh, and perhaps Dre can get a Moonman when he finally fucking releases "Detox," and Radiohead can get one when they stop being pretentious, and the Foo Fighters can get one when they ever release something as good as "The Colour and the Shape" again. And Bjork is just crazy. So ... here, Beastie Boys. Have this for "Sabotage." Also, Adam Yauch, kick that cancer shit, mmkay?