Monday, June 14, 2010

I haven't seen a face this crazed since Dave Chappelle was Tyrone.


What kind of cracked-out fuckery is this? Why does Jason Segel look like he just got off a 12-day drug binge where he sucked off dealers for the best kind of coke in town? And why is Minnie Mouse his No. 1 prostitute?! This picture is fucking with a lot of my childhood memories, let me tell you. And it makes all the puppets in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" suddenly seem totally dirty ...

+ Photo courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Old men are so fucking dashing, no?

OK, so ... I'm really in love with Andy Garcia (shown here at the Los Angeles premiere of "Toy Story 3" on June 13) right now.

What is this face? I don't EVEN CARE. This gnocchi-sex scene in "The Godfather III" has made me love the man forever. Pasta AND semi-incestuous sex? It's so disgusting that I'm totally into it.

Oh, and mustaches. I gotta fucking love an unironic 'stache.

P.S. Britney Spears was at the premiere too, and it looks like she fucking just rolled out of bed and went in a nightgown.

To be fair, it's like a nightgown crossed with an ice skating outfit from Tara Lipinski's '90s reign of terror. I mean, at least Britney is wearing a bra (I think). Small victories, people.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies,

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Your craziness at a Spinal Tap 11. I need it at like, a two.

Dear M.I.A.,

I'm really going to need you to stop being such an uppity bitch. Like, seriously. Stop being so obnoxious about the article Lynn Hirschberg wrote about you in the New York Times. Here's my reasoning, OK:

First of all, at least the article about you wasn't as bad as the one Hirschberg wrote about Courtney Love, in which she basically insinuated that Love took heroin when she was pregnant with her daughter.

Secondly, how can you get pissed off for someone writing their opinion of you, when your entire image is based on your opinion of others? Like the time you told Nylon you think the CIA developed Google and Facebook. Bitch you are SO CRAZY.

And lastly, your dis track against Hirschberg, "I'm a Singer," sucks.

And this is coming from someone who loves your other new songs, "Born Free" and "XXXO," so get off your fucking high horse.


- Me, a fan who once paid for a T-shirt from your line. The one you're wearing in this picture, in fact:

Thankfully, I got it on sale, even though it didn't come with a complimentary Diplo. But if that's not devotion, nothing is.

+ Photos courtesy of Picaso

Maybe they just look alike because they're both Italian?

Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:

And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?

I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:

"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Such a bitch! (She also bizarrely mocked Gaga for getting "burger money" in an interview with NME). So start fighting, you overpaid limelight-lovers. You give my life meaning - well, at least content for this damn blog.

+ Photo courtesy of The Independent

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.

2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:

God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?

I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?

I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

Monday, May 31, 2010

People who do ecstasy say what?

People STILL go to raves? I had no fucking idea. But apparently, yeah, a crapton of people took some drugs and overdosed and now they might all be dying after some rave in Santa Clara, Calif.

My favorite part of the story, though, is this:

"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."

So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...

And indulge in greasy hamburgers ...

And stalk Lindsay Lohan as she traipses around with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet?

I mean, I know that's what I would do. Obviously. I'm paunchy and love celebrities. DUH.

+ Photos courtesy of MazeofThoughts, Flickr, TMZ

The bunny one is horrifying, right?



Completely believable!

A fantastic knockoff of this, really:

I always feel so conflicted about these things, especially knowing that something I'm buying is a direct copy of something more expensive that I can't afford. It's kind of depressing. I mean, really, it just makes me upset that I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on a ring. Yup, that's the superficially materialistic long and short of it.

+ Photos courtesy of Aldo, ShopBop

Hats? This summer? Really?

Do people still wear hats? I know fedoras have been making a comeback for a few years, but ... I don't know about all this Easter-colored, pastal-drenched shit.

Confusing, really. If this is because of Sarah Jessica Parker's willingness to wear dumb hats ...

... then I hate everyone involved in this fashion decision.

+ Photos courtesy of Aldo Shoes, OMG! Yahoo

I still have hating Miley on lock. But now it's mixed with tears of nerdiness.

Uh, my heart is broken: Guillermo del Toro has quit as director of "The Hobbit" film adaptation, which was supposed to come out in 2012.

According to a statement posted online yesterday, del Toro said:

"In light of ongoing delays in the setting of a start date for filming ‘The Hobbit,’ I am faced with the hardest decision of my life. After nearly two years of living, breathing and designing a world as rich as Tolkien’s Middle Earth, I must, with great regret, take leave from helming these wonderful pictures."

Tears. Spasms of grief. Ever since del Toro, who I will forever love because of "Pan's Labyrinth" and "The Devil's Backbone" and yes, even "Blade II," signed on with "The Hobbit," I literally squealed with fangirl glee every time I thought about it. So ... my sadness is fairly high. Pathetically high, sure, but also FAIRLY HIGH.

You know, these pictures of del Toro and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson mean nothing now.

Where's my fucking Kleenex?! And my box set of "Lord of the Rings?" I now have something to do after this "Law and Order" marathon is over.

P.S. Don't worry, this sadness won't hamper my hatred of Miley Cyrus, especially when she dresses like this.


+ Photos courtesy of The Examiner, This Recording, US Magazine

Ciara's ability to gyrate her torso is mesmerizing.

I have always felt like Ciara is trying to claw her way to the top of the R&B heap, and I feel like if she could, she would rip out Rihanna's eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.

But in terms of just straight-out fucking crazy, Kelis wins, right? Watch these three videos: Rihanna does the whole fake lesbian thing with "Te Amo," Ciara astounds with her ability to booty-pop in "Ride" and Kelis ... well, bitch is just insane. I get that her and Nas just got their divorce finalized, but he is supposed to pay $44,000 a MONTH in child support! I feel like when you're sitting on that kind of money, you shouldn't be in this fucking weird. The world doesn't need another Lady Gaga.

Rihanna, "Te Amo" -

Ciara, "Ride" -

Kelis, "Acapella" -

Wanted. So badly wanted.





Sunday, May 30, 2010

Comics are always better than Carrie.

Dear this weekend,

Despite the fact that you are a three-day endeavor, I am not excited about your existence. Mainly because you allowed the following abominations of nature to happen. Let me explain.


- Me.

1. Miley Cyrus again claims she doesn't listen to pop music, this time wrapped in an interview where she bashes "Glee" but also attempts to convince us that her music is not just "glitz and glamour." "A lot of [pop] songs are super shallow, but this music isn't," she insists of her upcoming album, "Can't Be Tamed."

See, here's where I get confused: I'm pretty sure that dressing like a humongous slut and gyrating onstage to covers of bands you don't know - if she knows who the Runaways are, I will fucking swear off ice cream or something - is "super shallow."

Stupid hypocritical bitch!!

2. And then in MORE Miley-related news, she awkwardly suggests onstage that she's not at all over Nick Jonas. In introducing a song describing their break-up, she goes, "They're always gonna come back together no matter what anyone says or the bad people that try to keep you apart. Surprise surprise, it's about a Jonas brother." Hold the phone, people - I'm pretty sure that her current boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is way better looking than that Jonas kid, but even still. Shame on anyone for dating that trashbox.

3. I guessed a few days ago that Heidi leaving Spencer was really just so they could get another TV show after "The Hills" ends this year, and sadly enough, that guess is coming true: Old "Hills" castmate Jennifer Bunney claims that she and Heidi are getting a house together in Malibu this summer and are filming a new reality show. For anyone who gives a fuck, Bunney was in Lauren Conrad's inner circle with Heidi ...

... Before she tried to fuck around with Brody Jenner, pissing off LC and basically getting her kicked out of the clique. So it makes sense that she and Heidi, both now scum on LC's shoes, would be teaming up together. Oh, the memories, when they both looked normal ...

4. "Sex and the City 2," which was pretty universally panned by critics, brings in $46.3 million so far after opening Wednesday at midnight. No, I'm not angry that the film didn't make enough money, I'm pissed that it made so much. Seriously, can someone put the crones away?

Like, I'm supposed to believe this was a flashback to when Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie arrived in New York City in the '80s? Oh, OK. I guess leathery and weathered was in back then.

5. And lastly, no more "Iron Man" appearances until "The Avengers," according to director Jon Favreau. Sadness. As simple as that.

+ Photos courtesy of The Hollywood Gossip, Zimbio, 80MillionMoviesFree

If this summer is the summer of jeggings, I fear the next few months.

I have a lot of criteria when it comes to buying shoes. And by "a lot of criteria," I mean if they're shiny or have a platform heel or are made by Jeffrey Campbell or in any way would offend my boyfriend, I'd buy them.

But I'm thinking that if a pair of shoes is advertised as being "a great option for ... the hot jeggings trend," that's not a good sign. I mean, firstly, because the shoes look like this:

... They're ugly. And secondly, who can honestly wear jeggings? They often look this:

Together, I see a match made in fugtastic heaven.

+ Photos courtesy of Nine West, Socks 'N' Knicks

I'm rereading The Great Gatsby ASAP.

Can't decide if this is hilarious or just gross.

Probably both. Probably should buy it. It can hang out next to my Prose Before Hos shirt.

I'm sure they'd be friends.

+ Photos courtesy of Etsy, BustedTees

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I long for the day Kobe Bryant dies.

In light of the Phoenix Suns' heartbreaking loss tonight, there are no words for Kobe Bryant besides, "Fuck that guy."

To ease my pain, mainly because I harbor absurdly affectionate/romantic feelings toward Suns' players Steve Nash and Goran Dragic ...

... I'm going to consider buying dumb shoes. That's not an action I reserve just for horrible post-season losses, but it seems applicable at the moment.

Yeah, those seem like an ugly enough reflection of my rage right now. Velcro and plated metal, it's how I do.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony, Karmaloop, BleacherReport

Come on, Steve Nash!!

Watching this Suns game. Trying not to throw things at the TV whenever Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest does anything. Literally, wish death upon both of those douches.

Other things pissed me off this week, sure ...

1. Miley Cyrus isn't going to college. Duh, she already knows everything about the way of the world: be a slut and you'll win. Fucking trashbox. And why go to college and pursue higher education when that worked out so well for other pop stars, like Britney Spears?

... Oh, right. She looks like that now. Oops. I DO wish this frumpery on Miley Cyrus! Keep being an ignorant hillbilly, you slut!

2. Those stupid Salahis continue to beat around the bush regarding how stupid it was for them to crash an official White House event. And then maybe tried to crash another one earlier this week. I can't wait for the two of them to appear on "Real Housewives of D.C.," because I really need an inside look at their crazy.

3. Heidi is supposedly leaving Spencer. Why do I smell a spin-off of "The Hills" brewing?

4. Lindsay Lohan asks Chanel to make her alcohol-monitoring bracelet more of an accessory and less of a court-ordered mandate. Because when you're a young celebrity whose life is in shambles, why not try to make a sign of your addiction just another pretty bauble? That seems logical, really.

5. A variety of studies show that today's college students are less empathetic than previous generations. Oh, so all the technology and drinking and the lack of a draft have made people care less about conflict and others' emotions? Huh. Who would have fucking thunk.

Anyway, seriously, fuck these guys. I hope this picture is an example of the two passing a communicable disease or something. One which causes them to lose to the Suns ...

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Zimbio

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I can't afford any of these clothes, so time to bash them.

Who the fuck was letting these women out of the house and to the "Night of Fashion & Technology with LG Mobile Phones" in Los Angeles on Monday? (That seems like the stupidest, most contrived event ever, or at least this week, but still.)

But really, Jessica Simpson's breasts are sagging like all hell, and she's wearing wings on her hips. This is helping her insistence that she's a size 4 how, exactly?

I know that Katharine McPhee's top and capri pants are both from designer Alice + Olivia, but she looks like an Old Navy mannequin working corners in Las Vegas with that overly shiny get-up.

And Rashida Jones's blouse, jeans and fringed boots all look like they're fighting for possession of her body and can't decide who's going to win the bout. It's fucking May in L.A. Why the fuck is ANYONE wearing suede boots and tight long jeans? Oh, and it's pathetic that her muumuu-like shirt is the most in-season apparel she's got on. Wear a dress, woman!

... OK, just not Anna Kendrick's dress. No one is attending a funeral here, it's a party held by a cell phone company. Shit ain't that serious.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Kat Von D is still dating Bam Margera, but this is a win in my book.

You know, I think it's pretty interesting that Kat Von D, well-known fan of crazy hair colors and vagina-flashing leggings (and apparently strange posed pictures with Nick Cannon) ...

... looks better than most other people at E!'s 20th birthday bash Monday at the London Hotel in West Hollywood. Especially when compared to Kelly Rowland, who used to be in Destiny's Child and made millions of dollars with one of the hottest girl-groups ever and yet can't seem to wear a suit that doesn't make her look like a fucking pile of vomit some kid threw up after eating too much Halloween candy.

And don't make a face, we've all done it. All fat kids are the same! It's our life's burden - we cry, eat, repeat. It's a system.

I'm sure Khloe knows what I'm talking about. I'm guessing Quick Trim just pays for her to wear Spanx and whore products out with Kim, because ... I mean, that seems a lot easier than exercising.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

You've missed my rants, right?

I haven't updated in a while, so I've had a few weeks to gather an array of stupid things to barrage you with. Seriously, so dumb/gross/both.

1. Sephora is selling a lotion made of goat's milk - yup, "Goat Milk Body Lotion" is going for $32 a bottle. I know us women-folk do a lot of weird stuff to ourselves, like rub eggs in our hair and dead babies on our faces (I think I'm joking about that), but how is it at all appealing to slather the milk of a goat all over yourself? Also, it's getting lots of positive reviews on Sephora's website. Crazy bitches! What's next, something else totally random like hippo saliva? I'm calling patent on that shit.

2. Designer Anzevino & Florence has created a garment called the "Women's Air Mattress," and it's being sold for $350. Oh, and it looks like this.

Yeah, I'll pass. And so should EVERY OTHER PERSON. I don't think it's a good idea to buy an article of clothing that is named after a PUFFY, THICK MAT that you sleep on. Somehow, I think that might send the wrong message to people you're trying to impress/sleep with. "Want to lay on me? I'm wearing a dress/coat called the 'Air Mattress'" just doesn't seem that fucking ladylike.

3. Jesse James says he sabotaged his own marriage to Sandra Bullock because he was abused as a child and thought she would eventually find out and leave him anyway. Right, because then that gives you free license to go fuck a bunch of skanky whores who may be Nazi sympathizers and certainly are fuggos. Oh, OK. Well, that makes sense. Or, you know, you're a fucking douche. I'm leaning toward that last one.

4. USA Today interviews Jake Gyllenhaal about his upcoming flick, "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time," and writes a thought-provoking expose (heavy, heavy sarcasm there) about how hard it was for him to master a British accent. Really? Because ancient Persians DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE BRITISH ACCENTS, YOU ASSHOLES. I love how not once in the story there's a line like, "Hey readers, by the way, everyone starring in this movie has British accents just because they all happen to be British in real life, not because the people who lived in this ancient culture we're raping to create our stupid movie actually had voices like that."

And maybe another line saying something like, "Also, whomever is taking part in the creation of this film is a huge ignorant dickbag." At least that would be objective.

5. OK, and this last one is just disgust toward myself, not the rest of the world: The winner of this season's "The Biggest Loser" lost 264 pounds over the course of the show. Seriously? And my fat ass can't get off the couch to go to the gym because yet another episode of "Law and Order" that I've probably seen anyway is on TV? Ugh ... so much self-hate! How about if I say I was abused as a child, will that make it OK? (That was probably too soon. Whomp whomp.)

+ Photo courtesy of 80s Purple

Heterosexual crushes are healthy and normal; what else is a bromance, anyway?

So I'm developing quite a girl-crush on Michelle Williams, and I just thought the world should be aware. Yes, I watched "Dawson's Creek," and yes, I wanted both her dress and her life when she was with Heath Ledger and they went to the Oscars together.

But since his death, she seems to be coping nicely and raising their daughter Matilda pretty lovingly - how fast Matilda has grown up has really thrown me off; here's them in 2009.

But anyway, Williams is starring in a movie with Ryan Gosling way later this year, "Blue Valentine," and is showing up to events looking like this (while promoting the film at Cannes Film Festival this past week):

And this (at the amFAR Cinema Against AIDS Gala, also at Cannes):

I'd like that haircut, those dresses and shoes and the affectionate embrace she seems to be sharing with Gosling, please (they're not dating, but still). Plus, the kind of strength to go through what happened with Ledger and keep on living is also pretty respectable. Props, lady. Especially when hot messes like Lindsay Lohan are still on the loose. Bitch is crazy! Williams is not. It's refreshing, I promise.

+ Photos courtesy of Zimbio, OMG! Yahoo, GoFugYourself

I dress stupidly enough already, so looking like a cartoon toddler isn't that much of a stretch.

It's getting to feel like summer here in Maryland, which makes sense since a. it's almost Memorial Day, the official beginning of the season, and b. Montgomery County seems to be built on a fucking humongous swamp whose main goal is to ruin my hair and make-up and general happiness. And while I live in Prince George's County, it's MoCo's neighbor and the weather often likes to take a shit on my life. Thanks, humidity.

So while I know that I will sweat through whatever I wear (I know, I'm real classy like that) these upcoming few months, I can't help but buy into marketing and totally want these dresses from Jeremy Scott. Part of his "Flintstones"-inspired line, they basically make me want to grab a club and throw a bone in my hair and go inflict damage on some mosquitoes. Fuck those little bitches.

And for when I'm feeling fancy:

I've already blogged about the shoes in the last picture. Of course I want them. If you're surprised by that, don't read this blog; it won't suit you. Are you a mosquito? Go fuck yourself.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony