Sunday, January 31, 2010

SRSLY? "Lighten up, it's just fashion," DOES NOT APPLY HERE.

Every time I get angry at something Lady Gaga wears ...

... I just remind myself that Kelis wore this a few days ago, and I feel better.

And by "feel better" I mean, rage about why these people are famous. Sigh.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Headline news! Well, kind of.

I spent a lot of today watching bad movies ("Point Break," "Sleepy Hollow," whatever); being angry that the worthless trick Ke$ha has a pair of shoes named after her that I kind of actually like, even though they are fucking absurdly expensive ...

... and reading the newz. It's what I do! Lazy Saturdays; I'm sure you know the drill.

1. Apparently classical music has absurdly low record sales and could basically be in danger of disappearing from recording altogether. I don't listen to classical music - like, EVER - but it's interesting to see just how fucked up and low record sales really are. Kind of sucks for the future of music, I'd think.

2. The cast of "Jersey Shore" is coming back for a second season, which ... could possibly not be set in New Jersey? I don't understand the point of this, but MTV makes bad decisions all the time, so whatever. Granted, I still have managed to escape actually watching the show, so ... I'll probably love it if I actually watch it. Let's be honest.

3. Author Nicholas Sparks calls his novel, "Dear John," which is being made into a movie with Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum, a modern-day "Casablanca."

It's cool that the movie is now totally ruined for me by the own author giving away the ending. THANKS DUDE.

4. Am I the only person for whom Obama's shine is starting to dull? Because his administration's decision to step up arms sales to Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern nations in order to thwart Iran, a country he has claimed to want to work closer with diplomatically, is ... pretty much hypocritical. My boyfriend points out to me that this happened a few years ago, too, and is pretty standard arms race bullshit, but that doesn't make me any less pissed off.

5. The Ravens have just hired Jim Zorn, disgraced former head of the Washington Redskins, as their new quarterbacks coach. I think that a lot of Zorn's failure with the Redskins was because of how much of a douche Daniel Snyder is, but ... if Joe Flacco starts fucking up majorly next year, I know who to blame.

Looking at you, d00d! This is prob the face Zorn made when he realized he had a new job, btw. Recession, man. That shit sucks.

+ Photos courtesy of Solestruck, Clevver, RealityTea, Evening Sun, TaylorMadeTirade

Fluffy dogs are the best.

If I didn't have enough reasons to hate Miley Cyrus, now she has this cute fucking dog.


I'm going to get your little dog, too - consider that a threat, you hillbilly bitch!

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Stomping around! Did you get that animal reference?

It's almost spring; I need new shoes; I'm constantly on the prowl. By "need," I mean, "want."

But because I'm sane, I just need people to know: I am not going to buy these. Like, ever.

Made by artist and designer Iris Schieferstein, the shoes throw both a goat's hoof and a shiny gold gun together into one fuggo entity. WHO WOULD EVER BUY THESE? I do not understand. If this is "art," I don't want to get it/spend money on it/keep looking at it/moving on. Also - chances are Lady Gaga will wear these in like, two weeks or something.

Similarly, I don't want these, either:

Jeffrey Campbell Flea Market Cork Platform, $120

I know the '70s have been back and everything, but can't we abandon those clunkers to Nixon and all the other crappy parts of that time period?

These, however, I will lovingly embrace into my future:

How can one designer make the former - so fug! - and the latter - so good! - in one fell swoop? Confusing, I know.

+ Photos courtesy of Pipeline, Nasty Gal Vintage, Free People

Clothez and thangz.

This week has been a pretty solid one when it comes to stupid clothes that fill my heart with joy. First there was the Screen Actors Guild Awards this past weekend, then Paris Fashion Week, then a Calvin Klein-sponsored event. Because it's snowing outside and I have nothing better to do, here are some thoughts - rapidly, so I can go back to reading my new issue of Nylon that just came in the mail.

The kids from "The Vampire Diaries" are on the cover. Meh.

Anyway, good and bad outfits, yay!


Diane Kruger: Basically, one of the best dresses I've ever seen, totally reminiscent of what Michelle Williams wore to the Oscars with Heath Ledger back in 2006. Such a pretty color, even though I'm normally anti-yellow, and she's just poised enough to pull it off.

Marion Cotillard: I don't know, she could wear a fucking Hefty bag covered in poo and I'd probably like it, so ... take that as you will.

Drew Barrymore: I don't even understand the point of this dress, and it basically just makes me think she's wearing a huge lampshade or something. But like, bluer and uglier.


Dita Von Teese: Pulls off looking like a horrifying dominatrix. Impressive.

Amber Rose: I'm probably cursing the universe by hating the one time Amber Rose isn't inappropriately nude, but come on, if you're going to fucking wear clothes, DON'T MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE THIS.


Kate Bosworth: Every time I see her, I want to strap her in before a plate of pasta and force her to eat some fucking carbs. This picture is no exception.

Jared Leto: Basically has been sucking from the fountain of youth, cuz the guy is pushing 40 (he's 38) and I'm pretty sure he looks hot as fuck. Like, yes, the shiny blazer is ugly, and yes, the scarf is unnecessary, AND YES, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT HE'S WEARING TOO MUCH GEL, but still. Look at that face! So delightful.

And lastly, Ali Larter and Milla Jovovich: Why has Ali Larter paired that old-lady-goes-to-a-strip-club-in-Florida outfit with clunky black boots, and why is Milla Jovovich wearing formal hot shorts with like a billion accessories and that garish Forever 21 belt? Where's my copy of Nylon? Anything has to be better to look at then this.

+ Images courtesy of FanPop, OMG! Yahoo

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Live long and prosper, Coco.

After watching Conan's last show last night (which Hank Stuever of The Washington Post describes pretty well), I think I need to reevaluate my life.

Or, at least be less fatalistic. It's weird, I know. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it ... while going to eat a donut ... and watching "Free Bird."

I think this may be one of the only times in weeks that I've liked Will Ferrell. Wait, fuck, was that cynicism? THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday's the perfect day for bitterness.

I think I'm going to make "Things I Hate" a regular post on this blog, because let's be honest, I hate a lot of stuff, if not MOST things in the world. Here's today's round-up. This is easier than me spending money on therapy; we all know it.

1. Prince writes a song in honor of the Minnesota Vikings. I love the Vikings, OK? I'm going to jump on any Brett Favre-helmed bandwagon, and I will be rooting for them to trash the Saints on Sunday. And I adore Prince; my boyfriend always bitches when I try to sneak watching "Purple Rain" on his TV. But look, the idea of Prince, the man who wears clothes like this,

and Brett Favre, one of the manliest men ever,

somehow meshing worlds is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Seriously. I know Favre has cried in public and everything, but I don't think he'd do it for the Mighty Purple One, you know?

2. I knew Heidi Montag has succeeded in becoming totally nasty, but I didn't know that the next season of "The Hills" will also focus on all of her plastic surgeries? Because that's gross. Like, she looks awful.

And I already have a love-hate relationship with "The Hills," so did I really need more reasons? Sigh, CUZ NOW I HAVE THEM.

3. There's something about this picture of Lucy Lawless at the New York premiere of the movie "Extraordinary Measures" that is really skeeving me out. Doesn't she look weirdly thin, and isn't that pink kind of a nasty Pepto Bismol-like shade?

She doesn't look as awful as Brendan Fraser's hair, but still.

Aren't these people rich? Can't they manage to look better?

4. Did anyone else know that this film, "Season of the Witch," was happening? Because teaser pictures for the movie were just released, and holy shit, Nicolas Cage needs to stop making movies. He is TOO OLD AND HAGGARD to be playing young, dashing knights.

That shit is not a good look!

5. Neither is this, btw.

Amber Rose, you never cease to boggle my mind. Or inspire my upchuck reflex. Definitely both.

+ Photos courtesy of TV One Blogs, NY Daily News, Rites of Patches, OMG! Yahoo, ABC News, Dlisted

Long live Conan!

So tonight is the last night Conan will host "The Tonight Show," a reality that has depressed me all week. And I've grown even more depressed/pissed as the day has passed, because it seems like every single news item has been about Jay Leno. ... Seriously. Take a gander.

1. Boo, NBC faces a long road ahead of them in making new shows to fill the 10 p.m. slot, even though "Media watchers have welcomed the return of Leno to 'The Tonight Show.'" Umm, first, Reuters, way to make a Leno-loving claim that you then don't back up. And second, maybe if Leno wasn't SO FUCKING AWFUL, they could have planned their schedule better and not continuously blown him instead of created real ideas for programming. You know, like every other network.

2. Oprah is interviewing Leno next week, and supposedly made an offer to Conan too, but he hasn't confirmed. Why the fuck would he? It's pretty obvious what happened here, and I doubt he wants to go on a stupid talk show to rehash it. Plus, hasn't NBC put some rule in his pay-off that won't allow him to be interviewed about this? So, way to go, Oprah - of course, Leno will get his self-promoting bullshit out there, and Conan won't be available to defend himself. Cool.

3. And now it's been announced that Leno will give the key note address at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, I know this was probably confirmed months ago, but I don't care. He's still a douche who gets to bask in stealing back his own gig, which I find pretty reprehensible. Can Stephen Colbert go and heckle? We all know how good he is at that whole Correspondents Dinner gig.

So yeah, here's my thoughts:

Yup. About that simple. Is it 11:35 p.m. yet?

+ Photo courtesy of Mashable

This girl is FUCKING 16. SRSLY.

Watching the Haiti telethon; I gave some money to Doctors without Borders; you should too.

In other Haiti-related news, remember how Taylor Momsen said the other day that she was too focused on finishing this season of "Gossip Girl" to give money to the relief effort? Does finishing up "Gossip Girl" TRULY REQUIRE her to always look like a nasty faux-Goth slut who is just asking to get mocked on a daily basis? Because my god, what a prostitute.

Also, I really shouldn't be surprised, because this apparently is her mother.

Parenting fail.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Supermarket tabloids, you da best.

OK, so I recently wrote about how the New York Times is going to start making people pay for online to its website and the Post is crumbling with newsroom drama. But hey, journalism has a hope - the National Enquirer editor says he's going to submit the paper's coverage of John Edwards's affair and baby mama drama for this year's Pulitzer! Fuck yeah for muckraking gossip!

I mean, who didn't want to read about Edwards's relationship with mistress Rielle Hunter and their out-of-wedlock baby? I DID!

This just means TMZ needs to start winning Emmys or something. I'm down.

+ Photo courtesy of FameCrawler

It's OK to go up a size, you know.

Ill-fitting clothes really are the worst, either on men or women. Here, a three-photo demonstration:

Leather pants on Russell Brand? Expected, but gross.

Hi-waisted, crinkly formal shorts on Lo Bosworth? Blech.

And honestly, Wendy Williams ... just put those fucking boobs away. Seriously. You're doing Mariah Carey wrong, friend.

Now, off I go to continue lounging in sweatpants ... whatever, at least they fit! Fuck you guys.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

When shoes attack!

OK, I think I'm finally starting, just a little bit, to get over my Nike obsession. Why, you may ask? Because I find these neon hi-tops utterly ghastly, an opinion I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE HELD a couple of years ago:

Instead, I would really like some shoe fairy godmother just to show up at my doorstep with these:

All I'm trying to do is look like a streetwalker! Enable me!

Oh, and speaking of streetwalkers: If there was anyone more fitting than Mischa Barton to play a hooker on "Law and Order: SVU," I can't think of them.

Is this really how she expects to pay off her $7,000-a-month apartment in Tribeca? Good luck, trick.

+ Photos courtesy of Nordstrom, OMG! Yahoo

A few of my LEAST FAVORITE things.

Dear universe,

Let me ask you something: Was today some kind of test of my willpower? Because seriously, you just kept throwing awful curve-balls at me left and right. Don't act all fucking coy. You know what I'm talking about:

1. American Apparel's Satin Charmeuse Jumper Pants, $40. Nast.

2. The American editor of a Palestinian news agency was basically kicked out of Israel today for printing opinions the government doesn't like, further proving that the country will remove anyone who doesn't agree with them. AWESOME. Is that supposed to be freedom? Cuz like, it's fucking not.

3. Apparently, the most-watched shows on regular TV and cable last week included winners like "WWE Raw," "NCIS" and "Two and a Half Men." Is America functionally retarded? Seriously, WHO WATCHES THESE SHOWS. Is this why Conan is failing? Because every one of you deserves to die, I swear.

4. The New York Times is going to start charging for access to its website, and The New Republic just wrote some huge piece on why The Washington Post is basically going down into a cesspool of its own creation. ... So, do I have a future doing journalism, or should I start looking for a rich oil tyrant husband now?

5. Rihanna performs a cover of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song" on "Oprah" as a way to inspire those suffering from the earthquake in Haiti. I don't know, I'm just not too enthused by this; she probably means well? But Joe Strummer's cover is better, and we all know it.

Full of rage, as always,

- Me.

+ Photo courtesy of American Apparel

Monday, January 18, 2010

A hairy situation - ha! Oh, cliches.

People's hair has been freaking me out lately. Has anyone else noticed there's been a lot of nasty unshavenness and stuff going on? I'm not going to front - sometimes it's winter and I don't give a fuck about shaving because like, REALLY, who is going to notice my stubbly legs under jeans? But I'm not a public figure who's out and about, or AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES, so I think my sometime-grossness can be overlooked.

This, however, can not: Neither Mo'Nique's unshaven legs - which has now become some nasty calling card of hers, as she's done it on red carpets before - nor Amanda Palmer's (of the Dresden Dolls) overgrown armpits are acceptable given that they're at one of the year's most popular awards shows. Like, at all.

And I get that Rihanna's bleached faux-hawk thing is her new look, and I kind of like it, but it has become mad raggedy, no? It kind of seems like a bunch of straw just attached itself to her head and is chilling there. If only I could get away with such unkemptness ...

+ Photos courtesy of Celebuzz, PopSugar, GoFugYourself

I think this is my last Golden Globes post. I promise!

Cuz Golden Globes coverage continued into today, that also means that MY coverage has continued into today. And by "MY coverage," I really mean I fawned over pretty pictures of celebrities at work. Yup, I work hard for the money. Whatever, I don't even care - it was a federal holiday and I still had to go into the newsroom. Not cool, guys. Not cool.

Anyway, here goes:

Kate Winslet: Girl, you so classy. You basically ooze elegance. I would like to one day grow up and be just like you, as in, be married to Sam Mendes, who directed "American Beauty," and still consider Leonardo DiCaprio, who you also had numerous sexy make-outs with, one of your bffs. Give it to me, thx.

Sofia Vergera: Hmmm. She's normally so hot on "Modern Family,' but there's something about this dress that is really underwhelming. Is it the bleh navy color? The unnecessary burgundy trim? I'm not quite sure, but it's kind of meh either way.

Halle Berry: Dear god, woman. You are so fantastically hot that my brain hurts just looking at you, AND your muscular back. Flaunt it! Also, is Gabriel Aubry at home with your kid? Way to flip that whole patriarchy thing on it's head! Ingenious.

Jon Hamm: "Mad Men" + a Unabomber-like beard = Dreamy.

Robert Downey Jr.: Oh, RDJ! Your poses are exquisite, and I'm a big fan - fucking obviously. If there's one former drug addict who I can get behind you, it's you, buddy.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, The Superficial