Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

Blergh.

A rapid rundown of things you should know about today:

1. I reviewed "Drive Angry" in 3-D, which came out last week and was pretty terrible. Why Nicolas Cage, why? How are you still bankrupt? Oh right because your most recent film was "Season of the Witch," which sucked a huge one but somehow made a profit. Because people are dumb. Really, really dumb.

2. SO DUMB, IN FACT, that George Lucas is going to release "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3-D in 2012. What have we done as a people to deserve such terribleness? Baz Luhrmann shooting "The Great Gatsby" in 3-D wasn't enough, we now have to suffer the terror of Jar-Jar swinging his dopiness around all screen, REALLY CLOSE to my face? Great. Thanks George Lucas. I hope Skywalker Ranch erupts into Waco-like flames.

3. Lastly, my favorite part of today came when Mos Def called out Usher's and Justin Bieber's weird, vaguely incestuous, kind of creepy mentorship relationship with this perfect tweet: "I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher." Classy, sir. Classy. It's like this one time my boyfriend showed me a video of Mos Def being all sketchy and high at a record store.



How can you NOT love him? I imagine him and James Franco hanging out all the time, mimicking the high faces Franco made during the Oscars this weekend. So. Fucking. High.

+ EDIT: The boyfriend informs me this can't be Mos Def's real Twitter account, because a. Mos Def is often too high to understand how to use a computer and b. probably can't "type relatively coherent sentences." Fine - but whoever is posing as Mos Def is also hilarious.

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

You've missed my rants, right?

I haven't updated in a while, so I've had a few weeks to gather an array of stupid things to barrage you with. Seriously, so dumb/gross/both.

1. Sephora is selling a lotion made of goat's milk - yup, "Goat Milk Body Lotion" is going for $32 a bottle. I know us women-folk do a lot of weird stuff to ourselves, like rub eggs in our hair and dead babies on our faces (I think I'm joking about that), but how is it at all appealing to slather the milk of a goat all over yourself? Also, it's getting lots of positive reviews on Sephora's website. Crazy bitches! What's next, something else totally random like hippo saliva? I'm calling patent on that shit.

2. Designer Anzevino & Florence has created a garment called the "Women's Air Mattress," and it's being sold for $350. Oh, and it looks like this.


Yeah, I'll pass. And so should EVERY OTHER PERSON. I don't think it's a good idea to buy an article of clothing that is named after a PUFFY, THICK MAT that you sleep on. Somehow, I think that might send the wrong message to people you're trying to impress/sleep with. "Want to lay on me? I'm wearing a dress/coat called the 'Air Mattress'" just doesn't seem that fucking ladylike.

3. Jesse James says he sabotaged his own marriage to Sandra Bullock because he was abused as a child and thought she would eventually find out and leave him anyway. Right, because then that gives you free license to go fuck a bunch of skanky whores who may be Nazi sympathizers and certainly are fuggos. Oh, OK. Well, that makes sense. Or, you know, you're a fucking douche. I'm leaning toward that last one.

4. USA Today interviews Jake Gyllenhaal about his upcoming flick, "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time," and writes a thought-provoking expose (heavy, heavy sarcasm there) about how hard it was for him to master a British accent. Really? Because ancient Persians DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE BRITISH ACCENTS, YOU ASSHOLES. I love how not once in the story there's a line like, "Hey readers, by the way, everyone starring in this movie has British accents just because they all happen to be British in real life, not because the people who lived in this ancient culture we're raping to create our stupid movie actually had voices like that."



And maybe another line saying something like, "Also, whomever is taking part in the creation of this film is a huge ignorant dickbag." At least that would be objective.

5. OK, and this last one is just disgust toward myself, not the rest of the world: The winner of this season's "The Biggest Loser" lost 264 pounds over the course of the show. Seriously? And my fat ass can't get off the couch to go to the gym because yet another episode of "Law and Order" that I've probably seen anyway is on TV? Ugh ... so much self-hate! How about if I say I was abused as a child, will that make it OK? (That was probably too soon. Whomp whomp.)

+ Photo courtesy of 80s Purple

I CRY TEARS.

SO disappointed today. For so many reasons.

1. David Boreanaz, who stole my heart by playing Angel on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" all those years ago, admits to cheating on his wife. That's him, looking dreamy.


I guess he gets points for honesty and for not allowing the situation to become Tiger Woods- or Jesse James-like? But ... he still cheated. IT'S BREAKING MY HEART.

2. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz continue to look like total douches when attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend ...


... and while "hiking" in Los Angeles after returning from the race.


I put "hiking" in quotations because I fucking refuse to believe that these people exerted any kind of energy while wearing Converse sneakers and jeans, AND ALSO TEXTING. That's like, the most uncomfortable, illogical "hiking" situation ever, so disbelief, you are all up in my face right now.

3. NBC approves another show from J.J. Abrams. You may immediately think, "Hypocritical bitch, but you LOVE 'Lost'!" And yes, that's true. But I really don't like that this show sounds like a "Mr. and Mrs Smith" rip-off: "Undercovers, about a married couple of former spies lured out of retirement by the CIA," is how USA Today describes its premise. BOO. Do people not remember how lame "Felicity" was, which Abrams was also responsible for? Come on.

4. Some woman attacks people in a California Target, stabbing the fuck out of them for no reason. ALL I DO IS SHOP AT TARGET. THIS IS A HORRIBLE DEVELOPMENT FOR SOCIETY. Like, what was her motive? Pissed off at the low prices? Angry at the aisles and aisles of well-organized merchandise? UGHH.

5. Lastly, Kendall Jenner may be only 14 and only half Kardashian, but god, her wardrobe choices are really making me hate her already.


16-year-old Ali Lohan, you have met your dressing-far-too-old-for-her-age, on-the-road-to-crack match. FIGHT!

+ Photos courtesy of TIME, OMG! Yahoo

God, James Cameron is SUCH a douche.

So the other day I was actually really pissed off at Sigourney Weaver for saying that the only reason Kathryn Bigelow and "The Hurt Locker" won at this year's Oscars were because she was a woman, which is such a fucking bizarre thing for Weaver to say. Sure, Weaver kind of owes her film career to James Cameron and the "Alien" franchise (them then) ...


and she was in "Avatar" (them now).


But ... she's ALSO A WOMAN. So I don't get the seemingly hypocritical haterade. However, I similarly don't get why Cameron thinks it's OK to help out an Amazon tribe's fight against some huge dam, when his only experience with environmentalism is copying "Fern Gully." So now he's a huge environmentalist or whatever, but you know what also comes out right about now?


Yup, "Avatar" on DVD - on fucking Earth Day, no less. I'm not saying he's an entirely heartless, press-loving opportunist. But I am saying he has impeccable timing, no? (Sarcasm. Sense the sarcasm.)

+ Photo courtesy of Shopping Blog, NewsOK, Starpulse

I can handle just one more season, right?

Whoever makes the trailers for MTV's shows needs to get a fucking Oscar, because first I got all excited about the new season of "The City," and now I'm all excited about the new/final season of "The Hills."



I know, I know. Shoot me now.

An angry list of things that bring me anger.

I'm trying not to be a Debbie Downer today, but too many things are annoying me. So here, in one fell swoop, everything that's stupid.

This is why I don't take vacations: Because some Leesburg guy tried to bomb a cruise ship. What the fuck! All those people tanning? A travesty.

This is why I don't want kids: Because some 11-year-old kid killed his dad's pregnant fiancee with a shotgun. Bad parenting? Nature vs. nurture? Fuck if I know, but I don't even want to chance being responsible for a kid who then murders someone I love. BAD IDEA.

This is why I hate Tim Burton: Since his version of "Alice in Wonderland" made a shitton of money, he's now considering remaking "Sleeping Beauty." With Angelina Jolie as Maleficent. Like, I'm definitely on Team Brangelina and everything, but I just can't see Angelina as this woman:


It's just not working for me.

This is why I can't stop eating ice cream: Because scientists are now considering a crippling love of junk food to be like, an actual addiction. I guess all my jokes about cupcakes being my crack were unfortunately true.

This is why I think rich people are awful: Because Jamie McCourt, the estranged wife of the owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball team (she's standing next to Posh below) ...


... is trying to argue in her divorce settlement that she deserves $1 million a MONTH in spousal support. Yes kids, ONE MILLION DOLLARS a fucking month. That works out to $33,333 a day. That amount, in a day, is more than I make a fucking year at my job. There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE.

This is why I will never watch the MTV Movie Awards again: They are now allowing the public to nominate specific films for consideration, so that any film from 2009 can be up for any category. What is the point of having critics and people organizing an awards show if NO ONE is organizing the nominees? And this means that every category will be inundated with requests for "New Moon," right? UGH American youth, you are the WORST.

This is why I'm not really that excited about next year's family trip to Iran my parents keep pushing: Because going there and knowing that so many people, like its gay community, are subjugated and fucked over will probably put a damper on my trip. I'm not that excited about eating pomegranates and kabob when I hate the government so fucking much, you know?

This is why I don't feel that good about riding the Metro: Because there were four rapes on Metro property so far this year, and though WMATA officials say "there was an intent" to tell the public about them, they didn't. I feel so much better about my safety.

And, to end on a lighter note, this is why Usher's "Lil Freak" is my jam: Because videos with shady underground clubs, orchestras and Ciara are so bad they're good.



Don't worry, I still can't stand Nicki Menaj, especially in her first solo video, "Massive Attack." (A cameo by Amber Rose? REALLY?)



But back to "Lil Freak," anything with Usher will give me joy. He's just so dreamy!

+ Photos courtesy of LordWhat'sMyMotivation, the Atlanta Journal Constitution

Well, I just dunno.

I often have super-strong opinions about things. Like, how much I fucking hate Miley Cyrus for saying her dream boyfriend is Kurt Cobain. Bitch, you are retarded and like, two decades late.

But on these, I'm not so sure ... like, I understand their merit. But I'm also bummed.

1. James Cameron confirms he's going to update "Titanic" with 3-D effects and release the film in 2012, the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking. Sigh. Why, James Cameron, why? I'm watching "Titanic" now on TNT and it's perfectly fine.


It's actually quite good. Is this just another attempt to get the No. 1 film in the world - like, have 3-D "Titanic" be No. 1, and then "Avatar" be No. 2, and then regular "Titanic" at No. 3? God, James Cameron, you're the worst.

2. I guess I'm late on this, but I didn't know that Christopher Nolan is actively working on a "Superman" film. Apparently it would be like "Batman Begins" and somewhat of a departure from all the previous "Superman" flicks, and I'm OK with that, because some of them are horrible (ahem, "Superman Returns"). But I just can't see the kind of dark, macabre tone from "Batman Begins" adapted to the shiny, staunchly uptight world of "Superman."


And yeah, I know that story also mentions that a third "Batman" film is still being discussed, but I want all Michael Caine and Christian Bale, all the time! I'm not even going to bring up Heath Ledger, cuz I'll weep. Yup, I feel the tears now.

3. I have the Jeffrey Campbell Tick, so I can't pretend that I totally hate these. But they're just ... so confusing.

Giggle Tick Shoe by Jeffrey Campbell, $200

So many cut-outs! So much pleather! I feel nauseous. And am determinedly not reaching for my credit card.

+ Photos courtesy of Fanpop, ObsessedwithFilm, Karmaloop

Those silly kids and their silly choices.

The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were last night, and events like this always make me laugh. Like, you're inviting a mix of teenagers and adults to an event that's chosen by kids who generally vote by their obsession, not any knowledge of real talent. Hence: Taylor Lautner and Miley Cyrus won awards. You get my gist.

But yeah, here are some of my fave outfits from last night - they veer between actually classy and vaguely trashy. So, the Hollywood usual.

BAD: Allison Iraheta of "American Idol." I mean, holy crap, does Manic Panic sponsor this chick? Because WOW this is awful.


BAD: Jackson Rathbone of "Twilight." This guy played Jasper in the first "Twilight" movie, and I guess that gives him enough fame to get invited to this event and dress like such a douche? Can't Stephenie Meyer put an end to this?


BAD: Justin Bieber. I love dumb sneakers. I have a huge collection of dumb sneakers. But wearing such dumb sneakers on the red carpet, just in an attempt to capitalize on being so young and hip? That shouldn't be acceptable.


BAD: Melanie Brown, former Scary Spice, and Katy Perry. Dear God, women. Put some goddamn clothes on. Or at least wear a shirt that isn't see-through, Miss Scary.



BAD: Rihanna, onstage and off. '80s prom dress meets Army fatigues? BLECH. Channeling '80s Madonna? Second BLECH.



GOOD: Miley Cyrus. This is shocking for me, I know. But Miley doesn't look COMPLETELY reprehensible here, which is a big step for her. Yes, leather leggings are stupid, and yes, her hair just looks so fucking ratty, but still. It kills me to acknowledge this, I hope you know.


GOOD: Selena Gomez. She always seems to dress too old for her age, but this outfit is actually really cute: Yellow is a solid seasonal color, the sandals are chic and her hair is great. Good choices, I guess.


GOOD: Rosario Dawson. I want to grow up and be her. Simple as that.


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Radaronline

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

BE OVER, TUESDAY!

The weather is somewhat dreary; I'm somewhat bored; time to post on this bitch. So really fast, the three things that are making me look toward the window longingly and want to evaporate away from the dumbness of today:

1. Sarah Palin's reality show is probably getting picked up by the Discovery Channel, to the fine cost of $1 million an episode. That is blasphemous, and the same price that each friend was getting paid when "Friends" was still a thing people cared about, so ... I dunno. I mean, yeah, I find Jennifer Aniston annoying. But I find Sarah Palin to be A STAIN UPON THE FUCKING EARTH. So maybe she'll fall in a hole or something. Or get ratings like Jessica Simpson's, and then Discovery will cancel the show. Either works for me.

2. Despite all those rumors that John Krasinski would get the part, Marvel has announced that Chris Evans will claim the role of Captian America in an upcoming film adaptation of the comic. How wonderfully underwhelming. You remember Chris Evans, right?


This douche that was in those two "Fantastic Four" movies, which Rotten Tomatoes can attest were fucking horrible? The only really good thing Evans has to his credit is Danny Boyle's "Sunshine," which I'm pretty sure only my boyfriend and I saw. Plus, is Captain America now not going to be brawny and look like this?


Because a jacked-as-fuck Captain America is the only kind I know, and if he turns into some lithe dude instead because that happens to be Evans's body type, that's stupid. PACK ON THE POUNDS, friend. Patriotism can only be size XXL.

3. And lastly, I found my eyes blinded this morning by the sight of these pants, now for sale at Karmaloop.

Lightshow Skinny Jean by Tripp NYC, $64

Sigh. It's like that new, slutty Strawberry Shortcake threw up on her jeans after a bad night out at da club with the Bratz dolls or something. This can't be good for America's youth/fashion sense.

+ Photos courtesy of Mayhemers, Webwombat, Karmaloop

Weird images, galore!

I'm procrastinating on getting some work done; it's what I do best. So instead, I'm going to keep shaking my head at the bizarreness of these pictures. Trust me, you'll understand.

1. Why is Alicia Keys trying to pull a Prince here? Only that man can succeed with stupidly shaped instruments and sequined pants. ONLY HIM.


2. Is Olivia Munn wearing clothes? This confuses me. When you're known for not wearing anything, I don't understand why you would shroud yourself in some fuggo dress that is drapey and bunchy and looks like it came out of Mrs. Roper's closet. Not cool.


3. So ... has Billy Bob Thornton always been this scrawny? Maybe it's just because he's standing next to Dwayne Johnson, who is so absurdly muscular and jacked, but Billy Bob is looking real childish and effeminate here. That man-weave on his head isn't helping. Oh Angelina, Brad Pitt really WAS an upgrade in every way possible, wasn't he?


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Tim Burton, you have fallen from grace.

So I saw Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" earlier this week, and I gotta say, mad disappointing. Ruined all my childhood memories of the animated Disney version, mainly because Burton made the Mad Hatter breakdance. Like, what? Fuck your vision, it sucks.


Yeah, not cool at all.

The only good thing to come out of all this, I think, is that Disney Couture has a new jewelry line promoting the film. Designed by Tom Binns, who creates crazy kinds of ornate jewelry, the collection has some sweet shit, like this:

Disney Couture Tea Party necklace, $900

Yes, totally overpriced and NOT AT ALL WORTH the $900 pricetag, but still interesting enough. Bet you dough that Katy Perry will probably be wearing it soon enough; she often dresses up like an egg before, so this wouldn't be too weird.


The stuff that's more affordable, though, is also way more wearable. My picks would be:

Tea Party dangling earrings, $60


Red Queen pendant necklace, $75


Red Queen earrings, $100


Cheshire Cat hoop earrings, $75


Keyhole Rose ring, $50


Keyhole Mushroom ring, $50

I don't think I'll end up buying any of it, though. There's just something about the fact that it's designed specifically for Burton's monstrosity that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe at a sample sale, for way less than what it's being marketed at? Yeah, probably.

+ Photos courtesy of AmysRobot, Katy-Perry.org, Karmaloop, Fred Flare

UGH, to the tune of a round-up.

When it rains, kids, it pours fucking stupid, retarded news that makes me want to take a wrench to the world's head. Ummm, yeah, that much anger. Believe me.

So here are today's most angst-causing news items:

1. Fashion designer Lee Alexander McQueen kills himself. I don't like explaining suicides, because I don't think they make sense, but you can Google around and try to figure out why he took his life. I don't know what to say, really; he was amazingly talented and great at making insane high-fashion shit, the kind that my boyfriend hates. Like this:


And those shoes that Lady Gaga brought mainstream attention to by wearing in the video for "Bad Romance:"


SO yeah, depressing.

2. Rihanna releases her video for "Rude Boy."



The song is kind of annoying and the video doesn't really go anywhere. If I wanted to watch someone shake their butt against a backdrop of annoying colors, I'd just watch the video for "Video Phone."

Also, I similarly don't enjoy these pictures from the video Alicia Keys and Beyonce are shooting for "Put It In a Love Song" down in Rio de Janeiro.



Nothing they are wearing is flattering. At all.

3. Big shocker, Americans don't understand serving sizes. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this warrants a full story by the New York Times. As a country, we're obese and too lazy to read - and follow - serving sizes and portion control. We eat shit like this, come on.


I'm guilty of that too - thankfully, NOT of eating the Craz-E Burger - but like ... how much does the U.S. government really need to dumb shit down for people? Just read the back of the fucking box. Done.

4. Tom Cruise inks deal for "Mission Impossible 4." Who keeps commissioning these films? Like, I understand that the third one made double its budget, but it was AWFUL. I guess I'm just really sick of Tom Cruise's SO SERIOUS face.


I think he looks constipated. You agree, don't lie.

5. Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges gets delayed because he has to have emergency surgery on his tooth. I'm sorry, what? I would love to get out of shit and blame it on my grill.


No, really, I would love to just HAVE Lil Wayne's diamond-crusted teeth. Imagine how much that shit could go for on the black hoodrat market. Umm, that wasn't racist.

6. More proof that home-schooling is a bad idea: Horrible father locks his daughter in the bathroom for months because she failed a test and supposedly stole food. I really do think most people should be executed.

7. Taylor Swift slams down a cool $2 million on a swanky penthouse in Nashville. I don't hate the girl, but fuck that shit. Look at this interior.


This is NOT OK. I could write songs about high school! My experiences were lame, too! SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY.

8. And lastly, Vanessa Hudgens and I have the same shoes.


Does that mean we can share Zac Efron? That'd be great, kthx.

+ Photos courtesy of Oodora, OMG! Yahoo, New York Daily News, Scrape TV, Starpulse