Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Sundays bore me.

Seriously, they do. Unless football is on, what is Sunday really good for? Basically nothing. All I'm doing is sitting here working through my DVR. These stories are the only things capturing my attention in any way. Until lunchtime. Lunchtime always has my attention.

1. Baz Lurhmann avoids talking about whether he's ACTUALLY working on "The Great Gatsby" film adaptation or not. I'm sorry, what? Word on the street was the main roles had already been cast - including Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan - and that the film would be shot in 3-D and NOT in New York City. But now Baz is kind of denying all of it. Great. Thanks. Wonderful.


All I want is more Leo, OK? What's wrong with that? Especially more tortured Leo, like he was in "Inception." My heart, it flutters! Oh, and I find it REAL disgusting that Kristen Stewart made more than Leo last year, by about $500K - $28.5 million compared to $28 million. That's more money than I'll ever see in my life, but I'm pretty sure Leo > everyone else.

2. Chef Mario Batali, who is good friends with Gwyneth Paltrow and collaborated with her on a 2008 cookbook and another upcoming one, says he thinks she was "playing nervous" onstage, like when performing at the Country Music Awards:



IF MARIO IS RIGHT, I'm super-bummed. I love Gwyneth and how she's wonderful at everything but I also love humanizing her, like maybe she was all nervous back in the day but through performing on "Glee" she's grown more confident, like she was on the Grammys!



So you know, like she's human and not a perfect superbeing. That would be cool (and I love this essay on Gwyneth, which explains why people hate her but shouldn't). You're killing me, Mario.

3. And lastly, Al Jazeera did a piece on the Mexican city of Juarez, where a shitton of women disappear, get raped and die on a regular basis. The city's been covered a lot in the media already, but Al Jazeera's story reminded me of how makeup company MAC had planned on releasing a Juarez-themed collection last year, in partnership with fashion company Rodarte, who had released a clothing collection based on the women of Juarez.


The lipsticks, eyeshadows and other cosmetics (some seen above) had names inspired by the city's violence, like "Ghost Town" and "Factory," and though MAC had said they would donate some of the profits to organizations serving the city, they eventually canceled the collection because of all the bad PR. The more I think about it now, I wish they had gone through with it - the problems in Juarez aren't getting any better, and wouldn't some money have helped? Any amount of money? I know ultimately it was in bad taste to have names that seemingly objectified the women, but given that the shithole is getting crappier by the day, I can't help but think that some money and attention is exactly what Juarez needs to finally change.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, latina.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

Things I'm torn about, part I.

OK, that title is misleading. I'm always torn about things. Should I buy everything from Illamasqua's Toxic Nature collection now, when it's only offered in Britain and therefore costs a shitton because our conversion rate into pounds sucks, OR wait until Sephora eventually carries it at hopefully cheaper prices? Should I eventually watch the HBO movie about Sarah Palin and John McCain, or will it just make me want to vomit all over my TV? And, should I really be reading these spoilers about the new season of "True Blood," therefore ruining my joy when it finally comes back in June?!@! Decisions, DECISIONS.

Anyway, here's some other stuff that has got me all rankled today. (P.S. Did you know "wrankles" are supposedly the wrinkles on a penis? Hey, it's what UrbanDictionary told me.)

1. These hearings from the House Homeland Security Committee on "radical Islam," organized by chairman Peter King (R-N.Y.). I don't really like talking about politics or religion because it inevitably becomes a screaming match full of ignorance and blatant bigotry, but reading the Post's recaps of what's happening is making me real emotional. It's tough to hear all these Muslims talking about how fucked up the country is and how torn they are regarding how much they have to defend themselves and their beliefs, and as the child of two Iranian Muslim immigrants I've been in some crappy situations before, so I understand the pain there. It's just sad. America makes me sad. Let's not forget that King is the same guy who said "There are too many mosques in this country," because, you know, that's fucking tolerant.

2. Changing subjects, apparently the world's youngest grandmother is 23. ROMANIA WHAT. I AM 23. The idea of an 11-year-old having a child is pretty insane - just like this story that the New York Times recently reported about an 11-year-old being gang-raped. (Jezebel says all the interviews in the story seemingly sympathize with the rapists, which is true, but I must say that quoting people who are biased doesn't necessarily make a story biased, people.) Anyway, if the U.S. made a TV show about the Romanian granny, they couldn't even call it "Teen Mom" - it would have to be "Tween Mom." And that just blew my mind.

3. Did anyone know that a Terp is going to be on the next season of "The Real World," the return to Las Vegas? I don't know who he is, but apparently we have a friend in common on Facebook, meaning I can grab this photo of him:


Wiki tells me Michael Ross, 23, "is a conservative" and "the president of the UMD Students against National Healthcare" group. MTV tells me he's a "beer pong pro, and all around nice guy" who has had to struggle with family hardship when his mother got sick with cancer. That sucks, I must admit. BUT I hope to watch all of his morals eventually chip away in Vegas, because that's what I hope happens to all douchey people who call themselves an "outspoken Libertartian." However, he can't have fun there. He just needs to have all his values shattered.

4. DUH, everyone by now knows that I worked for American Apparel and that founder Dov Charney is a raging perv. Well, now one of the girls who claims he raped her is suing for $250 million, and in case you need more reasons to think the guy is a jerk, here's a rundown of all his past transgressions. I say this while wearing an American Apparel hoodie. Don't judge me.

5. And lastly, I haven't fully gotten into "The Wire," making me a horrible fan of pop culture, but I do find it interesting that while everyone is reporting how Felicia "Snoop" Pearson from the show got arrested today for drugs in Baltimore, no one is remembering how she was on that episode of "No Reservations" where Anthony Bourdain went to Baltimore.


I dug up his blog post about that episode, which aired in '09, and it's an interesting read. Sad now in hindsight, but still good.

+ Photos courtesy of Facebook, soupsoup.tumblr.com.

Your craziness at a Spinal Tap 11. I need it at like, a two.

Dear M.I.A.,

I'm really going to need you to stop being such an uppity bitch. Like, seriously. Stop being so obnoxious about the article Lynn Hirschberg wrote about you in the New York Times. Here's my reasoning, OK:

First of all, at least the article about you wasn't as bad as the one Hirschberg wrote about Courtney Love, in which she basically insinuated that Love took heroin when she was pregnant with her daughter.

Secondly, how can you get pissed off for someone writing their opinion of you, when your entire image is based on your opinion of others? Like the time you told Nylon you think the CIA developed Google and Facebook. Bitch you are SO CRAZY.

And lastly, your dis track against Hirschberg, "I'm a Singer," sucks.



And this is coming from someone who loves your other new songs, "Born Free" and "XXXO," so get off your fucking high horse.

Love,

- Me, a fan who once paid for a T-shirt from your line. The one you're wearing in this picture, in fact:


Thankfully, I got it on sale, even though it didn't come with a complimentary Diplo. But if that's not devotion, nothing is.

+ Photos courtesy of Picaso

Maybe they just look alike because they're both Italian?

Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:



And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?


I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:

"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Such a bitch! (She also bizarrely mocked Gaga for getting "burger money" in an interview with NME). So start fighting, you overpaid limelight-lovers. You give my life meaning - well, at least content for this damn blog.

+ Photo courtesy of The Independent

Things I like, round-up edition.

It's Sunday night, I have to go back to work tomorrow, yet another five days of my life will pass by, etc. To help ease that transition, here are a few things I'm psyched about. Literally, ecstatic. JUMPING OFF THE WALLS.

OK, not jumping off the walls. But still pretty excited. Rebounding off the walls? That still makes me sound crazy. ... Fuck it, this has gone on too long.

1. New stills from "Tron Legacy" have been released. I'm specifically feeling this one.


If this movie sucks, Disney will pay. You may think I'm joking, but I could know people. I am brown, after all.

2. Alec Baldwin says he will host the season finale of "SNL." This isn't too surprising because he's hosted the show a million times before, but he gets funnier every time I watch "30 Rock," so this sounds good to me. Plus, any host is better than Gabourey Sidibe.



Seriously. So unfunny.

3. Conan O'Brien continues to be a folk hero with his appearance on "60 Minutes" tonight, which wasn't too heart attack-causing - he doesn't like, tell Jay Leno to eat a dick or anything - but it was both depressing to see him seem so broken (I think it's the beard) and yet pleasing because he's still funny and witty and charming. Here's a write-up with some quotes; interview in two clips in HD below.





4. Delish.com lists some of the weirdest new food products and accessories out there, and some things on the list really sound awesome. I knew about brown Kumato tomatoes already, but alcohol-laced whipped cream? Edible spray paint? If I cooked, I would be way more excited about this stuff, but for now, my happiness level seems appropriate for a person who only knows how to microwave frozen dinners. I don't even know how to use a toaster oven. ... Yeah. :-/

5. I learned today that all those nail polish colors I've wanted from Chanel - Jade, Particuliere - are online at Chanel's own website, which you can buy stuff from directly. How did I not know this?! For months I've been trolling eBay, hating on assholes who are trying to sell these bottles of nail polish for as much as $70 each. Fuck that! Those days are over! Plus, those temporary tattoos Chanel made last season?


Yup, the website has those too. There goes my next paycheck. I EVEN HAVE REAL TATTOOS AND YET I WANT THESE. God, I'm awful.

6. Urban Outfitters has very "Marie Antoinette"-like furniture that I would totally be buying if all I had to do all day was, much like Kristen Dunst does in that movie, eat pastries and buy shoes. I mean, I do those things anyway? But like, while "working." So ... a lime green couch and frilly chair don't seem that reasonable.

Antoinette Fainting Sofa, $598


Ruffle Chair, $388

Nevertheless, I lust.

7. And lastly, is it creepy to still be obsessed with Roald Dahl after all these years? No? OK, good.

James and the Giant Peach Tee, $24.50

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, On Sugar, Urban Outfitters, Delias

People get paid to write about stuff they like. I do it for free.

Time released their most recent influential 100 list for 2010, and though it's full of the usual suspects - like the grossness that is Sarah Palin and Lady Gaga, obviously - there are a lot of choices that fill me with total joy. Here, my nine favorites. Picking 10 would have been too expected. Oh, and I'm a jerk.

1. Zahra Rahnavard, Iranian activist. This is my favorite excerpt from Shirin Ebadi's blurb on her, because it says so much in so little: "Mir-Hossein Mousavi may be the face of Iran's Green protest movement, but the government fears his wife just as much."

2. Kathryn Bigelow, director of "The Hurt Locker." Fellow director Oliver Stone hit gold with the last paragraph on her: "Yet despite enormous accolades, her film is considered a financial failure — like all films about the Iraq war. The question lingers: Why, despite our country's love affair with violence, do Americans refuse to see these realistic films? With The Hurt Locker, Bigelow unflinchingly stuck her finger in the tragic heart of a national wound — our inability to face ourselves."


Also, I still can't get over that picture.

3. Banksy, artist. It makes sense that Shepard Fairey, the guy who made that iconic Obama poster, would say this about the mysterious British graffiti master: "He doesn't ignore boundaries; he crosses them to prove their irrelevance." Simple and direct.


My favorite Banksy piece. So fucking good.

4. Conan O'Brien, God among men. It seems fitting that George Lopez would write about Conan, since they're going to be on TBS together, and I really like the honesty Lopez gives in this piece by kind of admitting that he first doubted O'Brien's on-air talent: "He wasn't a performer; he was a writer. But then I watched, and I recognized his unique perspective. He said things that made me laugh, and I started to feel him. He kept fighting — and I started to respect him. In the world of comedy, his was a Cinderella story in size-15 shoes." Fuck yeah he is!

5. Neill Blomkamp, director. Ridley Scott's blurb about the director of "District 9" isn't that lengthy or engaging, but the list he gives of Blomkamp's feats stand on their own: "His first feature, the improbable but utterly engaging alien-apartheid allegory District 9, has already brought him more acclaim than most filmmakers will ever achieve: a Golden Globe Award nomination, two BAFTA Award nominations and an Academy Award nod, among others." Hopefully it's the beginning of a long and great film career, because, holy fuck,


"District 9" was awesome.

6. Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, executive producers of "Lost." My boyfriend hates me because of how obsessed I am with "Lost," but he'll have nothing to worry about in a few weeks when the show finally, depressingly wraps. But until then, Time's TV critic James Poniewozik puts the appeal of "Lost" pretty well: But Lost is, above all, a soulful and funny saga of flawed people seeking redemption, and these storytellers combined their big ideas with some of the most rollicking popcorn entertainment since Star Wars. With the series' May 23 finale, a.k.a. the TV event of the year, the torture finally ends. And the long debate over the ending begins."


Holy crap, I'm so excited. Even though this promo picture for the sixth and final season is weeks old, it still gives me the creeps.

7. Neil Patrick Harris, actor. Everyone this year has gone apeshit about how much Lady Gaga has done for the LGBT community, but part of me thinks her constant making out with girls and flashing of her ladybits is just fucking exploitative at best. On the complete other side of the spectrum, though, is NPH, and I love what Joss Whedon (a man whom I will forever love for bringing me "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") has to say about him: "He made the issue of his sexuality disappear without desexualizing himself. He can get the girl and sing about the boys, and it all works. The public's perception of gay men is shifting because of this guy, and they'll be too entertained to notice. That's more than a good trick. That's magic." Word.


Years after "Harold and Kumar 2," this is still pretty magical, too, I have to say.

8. Prince. There's nothing else to say but Prince. The artist formerly known as a symbol hasn't really done much this year, but it's interesting that Time still included him on this list - and having Usher write about him is pretty valid: "I was interested in music and trying to find a model. It was Michael, or it was Prince. He had an attitude, a rawness that Michael didn't have. He was not urban, but he was our version of what cool could be. You look at an icon like James Dean or Steve McQueen — they represent a certain energy, a certain poise. That's what Prince has."


Plus, he has that tongue. I'm not approving of it, but I'm just bringing it to your attention.

+ Photos courtesy of Buzzfeed, Flickamag, SciFiScoop, Fanpop, Blogspot, Soulbounce

What do Superman and piranhas have in common?

I feel like such an old person. Everything about these things makes me feel ancient:

1. So this old guy in Georgetown who hates the drunk college kids always hanging around his neighborhood starts a blog to call them out on their bullshit. Georgetown kids ARE douchebags, so what's wrong with this? I say nothing. Rich white yuppies think that Washington, D.C., belongs to them so I support crotchety old men trying to take a sSo ttand; I keep imagining Clint Eastwood growling "Get off my lawn!" in "Gran Torino."



Yup, just like that.

2. So the Unification Church, or as I like to affectionately/cruelly call them, the "Moonies," is selling The Washington Times. I've thought of The Washington Times as an embarrassingly right-wing newspaper for years, but their role as a foil to The Washington Post has also been a D.C. tradition. If the paper never gets sold, or just has to close, that would suck - and be yet another example of journalism's rapid money-losing journey. Seeing a paper I've been familiar with for more than two decades now (even if that familiarity is a seething hatred) going down the tubes = bummer.

3. Doctors say roller coasters can now cause ear damage. I've only been on a few roller coasters in my life, including the Superman at Six Flags, which literally scarred me forever.


So do I feel old because yet another part of my childhood is being labeled as dangerous, or because I've been on less than five roller coasters and I'm 23 fucking years old and that statistic is way shameful? Probably both.

4. And lastly, am I just a hater because I think the upcoming movie "Piranha 3D" looks fucking awful? Or am I right?

I'm thinking I'm right. For shame, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames! You (respectively) were in "Back to the Future" and "Pulp Fiction," for fuck's sake! And Richard Dreyfuss, remember how you were in "Jaws?" You doing this rip-off isn't ironic; it's pathetic. PATHETIC I SAY.

+ Photos courtesy of UltimateRollerCoaster

I'm not clear what this video says about "the war on terror."

OK, so everyone is going apeshit over the remake of Lady Gaga's "Telephone" done by U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The Washington Post wrote an essay about it; the clip has more than 1 million hits on YouTube. It's funny and everything, and I guess it kind of humanizes all the soldiers I imagine are over there hating their lives and killing my people, but ...



... does anyone else think the guy that impersonates Beyonce is totally the best? Because I do. I thoroughly enjoy really hood guys pretending to be women. Maybe that's why I'm obsessed with "RuPaul's Drag Race," especially contestant Raven from season two:


It's just SO BAD that it's great. And I'm really amazed by their tuckgame. How do you make a penis BASICALLY DISAPPEAR? My mind is boggled.

+ Photos courtesy of LogoTV, Sick Biscuit

Cake + Batman = Good.

Today: Slightly better because I consumed thousands of calories (presumably) while eating a slice of honeybee cake from the Amish market. Thx for the good eats, fundamentalists.

So I was, of course, in a better mood to be able to delight in such joyous news:

1. The sequel to "The Dark Knight" finally has a release date, summer 2012. That's actually not so far away, and by that I mean, "Thank fucking God it's happening, I thought it never would, OMG block out my entire schedule in mid-July so I can see this movie over and over and over again." I'll probably cry because Heath Ledger is dead, but there's still something about how amazing the end of the movie is - when Commissioner Gordon is talking about how Batman isn't our hero - that gets me every time. Oh, how emotional I make trite entertainment-related things ...

2. Conan O'Brien is going to talk about everything that went down with Leno on "60 Minutes" this Sunday. Fuck yes! I've been waiting months for a whole story, and now I get it in news documentary format. Loving this combo of journalism and TV drama. If only Ed Bradley were still alive ...


Rest in peace, dude.

3. Speaking of Leno, though, how did I miss that he was hosting this year's White House Correspondents Dinner, which goes down this weekend? I had no fucking idea. Fuck that guy, though. Part of me really hopes he gets heckled by celebrities who finally realize he's just an asshole, but I think everyone is too politically correct to actually do so.


What a back-stabbing douche.

4. So apparently the Boy Scouts have now added a badge for video games. This is fucking awesome, and part of the reason we're all such fatasses. Here, be commended for learning about the video game ratings system, playing a parent- or teacher-approved game and creating a schedule that includes chores, homework and game playing! That just sounds like being a regular fucking kid who has parents, and I'm anti kids getting recognized for doing things that just make sense. We're not all special, OK? Tyler was right, and it's about time us obese motherfuckers realized it. I say this while typing on a laptop and drinking Diet Coke. After that huge piece of cake earlier. ... Yeah.

5. However, it's almost time for summer, which means time for mint juleps. I've never had one but I'm really interested in adding them to my busy summer regimen of watching TV shows on rerun, finally figuring out "Lost" and eating pints of sorbet, so thanks for the recipe, Derek M. Brown! Mm, alcohol. Making my life better since 2009.

+ Photos courtesy of Media Bistro, SF Gate

Inappropriate humor, death, the usual.

You know, every now and then I'm kind of amazed by how long it takes mainstream media outlets to pick up on obvious trends. Like, this story The Washington Post did on web-only television shows, including "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis." Granted, I would only know about this show because of my boyfriend. But still! He told me about this like, months ago! So why is the Post just writing about this show, and the entire trend, now? I don't know, it just seems desperately dated.

This, however, will always be funny.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Things that aren't so funny, though?

1. That drinking by teenage girls can lead to a higher risk of breast cancer later. I didn't drink until 21 because I'm fucking lame, but like, practically everyone else I know in the world has been sipping on sizzurp for years. So ... good to know some of those people will be dead. Thanks, science!

2. Rolling Stone is going to start charging for their archives online, with like, a $30 annual fee. (Fun fact: one of the kids I worked with at my college paper wrote this story for the AP. I guess I'm jealous.) The New York Times had talked about beginning to charge for their online access, and I understand that journalism needs money to survive, but I'm not sure exactly how many millions of people will pay for this in order to make it a profit. Plus, you could argue Rolling Stone is kind of irrelevant now anyway, right? Didn't it take a year for them to put someone as obnoxious as Lady Gaga on the cover? ... Yeah.

3. South Korea has the highest suicide rate now in the industrialized world, which has been mainly fueled by celebrities taking their own lives and spawning thousands of copy-cat deaths. Fucking insanity. The numbers in that story are just ... well, depressing.

My generation sucks, the economy sucks, etc.

So I have to go see "Clash of the Titans" in 3-D later today. And while I'm vaguely excited about it because I love seeing movies, I'm not entirely jazzed because everyone has been buzzing about how the movie's 3-D sucks. Like, sure, random people The New York Times talked to have said they didn't notice a difference. But I'm just anal enough that I'm sure I'll notice problems with it and then grow to hate myself for seeing the flick. And lastly, may I just say that Sam Worthington's charm is wearing off?


Like, couldn't you shave before attending the March 31 Los Angeles premiere of your own movie? I guess that's too much to ask.

In other things that are too much to ask:

1. Guessing that Kal Penn would stay working for Obama's administration. Nope, after not even a year, he's leaving to go back to films, including a "Harold and Kumar" Christmas-themed movie. I guess that whole change thing has worn off.

2. For my generation to have any ambition whatsoever. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, people my age don't have any interest in a solid work ethic or being defined by their profession or career. Instead, we're just defined by pop culture and technology. Yes, it all seems very superficial, but why is anyone surprised? Most of us aren't getting jobs that are worthy of us, and the jobs we are getting are shitty and basically underemployment. Why the fuck would we be defined by our work ethic when our shitty economy isn't even allowing for that?

3. And lastly, that people would realize unpaid internships are basically like slave labor and shouldn't continue anymore. Oops, unpaid internships are actually on the rise, since so many companies just don't have enough money. Can someone fix the goddamn economy!? I've been contributing by boosting my shoe closet, but apparently that's not good enough. I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY, YOU KNOW.

+ Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Movies

Jack + Rose 4-EVR.

Got my new issue of Nylon today. Has Zoe Saldana from "Avatar" on the cover.


It also included some good stuff, like the fact that Edun, this eco-conscious fashion line that Bono helped start (I know he kind of sucks, but keep reading), is creating a new make-up line for Sephora that will hit stores in May. RealStyleNetwork.com has more info on it; proceeds from the palettes will go toward the Bronx Zoo.


I'm down! The colors look pretty. I'm a sucker for pretty.

Other things I'm a sucker for: The idea that Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet could get back together and make all my childhood fantasies come true.


Yeah, yeah, GossipCop tears apart the rumors that Leo broke up Kate's marriage to second husband Sam Mendes. But I NEED this to be true. "Titanic" has to be real! Just not the part where Jack dies.


Fuck that part.

+ Photos courtesy of JustJared, RealStyleNetwork, OMG! Yahoo, Blogspot

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

Fantasy novels, ice cream and murder. All in one place!

So there's good news, and there's bad news.

THE GOOD

1. I've seen commercials for the Harry Potter theme park ...



... but now there's a definite announcement that it will open June 18 in Orlando. FUCK YES I want to go. Apparently they're already selling packages: "Four-night packages, which include an on-site hotel room, park tickets and various amenities, start at $645 per adult or $1,548 for a family of four." I don't need a family of four! I have $645! Anyone with me on this pipe dream?!

2. Yup, Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" has admitted that she is in a lesbian relationship. Does this mean their coupling will be on the upcoming season? Fuck I hope so. I need those damn housewives, because ...

3. MTV announced today that this upcoming season of "The Hills," which premieres on April 27, will be its last. Fucking FINALLY. I'm so sick of looking at these two slorebags.


OK, was anyone forcing me to watch the show? No. But I wanted to see what Kristin got up to! And it was nothing! She's boring! I need more drama. MORE DRAMA. And she didn't deliver. So thank the gods it's almost over.

4. Tom Shales from The Washington Post wrote this column the other day tearing apart ABC's decision to hire Christiane Amanpour for the hosting gig on "This Week," and I found it retardedly stupid. I normally agree with Shales's opinions on TV-happenings, so it was bizarre for me. Thankfully, Glenn Greenwald from Salon agreed with me and wrote a response column that it way better formulated than mine could have ever been. Probably because he doesn't stoop to profanity, like I inevitably would have.

THE BAD

1. Well, I'm fucked. According to this story by The Los Angeles Times, women need to work out an hour a day to maintain their weight throughout their lifetime, and work out about 90 minutes a day to lose weight. When the fuck am I going to find 60 to 90 minutes in my day? Sure, I could quit updating this thing. But then where would I get joy, ice cream? That seems like a self-defeating cycle. Mmm. Ice cream.

2. But in even more bad news for my fattery, President Obama's health care legislation triumph also stipulates that calorie information be posted at most chains, including those restaurants that offer buffets. Doesn't America understand that I don't want to know how many calories I'm eating when I'm scarfing down sushi like it's my job? ... This is why I'm fat.

3. I mean, I know everyone has problems with their parents. But hiring a hitman to kill your dad, after getting permission from your mom? ... Umm, that's fucked up. Way to live up to "The Godfather," lady.

+ Photos courtesy of InsideCelebrityWorld

Just don't call it Snowtorious B.I.G.

It's Monday night. I've been snowed in since Friday afternoon. I'm so done with this bullshit blizzard thing ... oh, wait. More is coming tomorrow. AWESOME.

The only way I've managed to stay sane is TV and the Internet. So basically, I'm doing nothing different than I would have done if there weren't snow outside. I'm just more antsy and frustrated. Go figure.

Anyway, here's the things that have kept me captivated these past few days. I really want to blow my brains out. Cabin fever, etc.

1. Michael Jackson's doctor charged with involuntary manslaughter. This was bound to happen eventually, and I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened to anyone associated with Brittany Murphy, as her autopsy proved she basically died from pneumonia. In other news, could someone kill me to rid me of this winter? Thanks.

2. Back in September, "Project Runway" winner Christian Siriano designed a spring 2010 shoe line for Payless Shoe Source. No one ever thought the really high-fashion ones, like these, would actually get sold, except, OH HEY, they'll be in select Payless stores in early March. I'm gunning for these, which will be around $79.99 each:


Whatever, I don't care about your judgments, fuck you guys.

3. The Washington Post ran an opinion piece about a week ago that was all about how in this tough economic time, more people are haggling for bargains. I'm sorry, maybe this is just because my parents are foreign and bartering is like, WHAT IRANIANS DO, but is this really surprising to people? Of course you ask for discounts and lower prices on things. It's called being crafty, Post writers. Look into it. MAYBE IT WILL HELP YOU SAVE THE INDUSTRY IN WHICH I WORK.

4. So who knew, but Christina Hendricks wears glasses.


Update your sexy librarian fantasies, people. Pretty sure she just changed the game. Also, did anyone else hear about this controversy regarding The New York Times and how they may have distorted a photo of Hendricks from the Golden Globes to make her seem wider and larger than she actually is? Real slick, guys.

5. It's already February, which means that Jean Paul Gaultier's collection for Target is only a month away - it will hit online and stores March 7. You can see the collection's whole lookbook here, but I'm pretty much set on these specific outfits: The trenchcoat on the left in the first picture and the dress and coat in the middle of the second picture.



Give it up to me, etc.

6. According to some new study, abstinence-only education has begin to show signs of working among youth, specifically in African American students in sixth and seventh grade over two years. Maybe I'm just skeptical, but is this really where our country is headed? Abstinence-only education is stupid and short-sighted, and last time I checked, isn't our teen pregnancy rate on the upswing? Kids are going to have sex, just give them condoms and a banana and send them on their way. It sucks, but it's true. Deal with it, Christian parents.

7. Plus, people are going to pregnant if they wear shit like this. HOW COULD THEY NOT? It's basically a slutty embodiment of business in the front ...


... party in the back.


Impressive, I'd say.

8. Pete Wentz kind of announces the end of Fall Out Boy in some horrendously written and grammar-less statement, which includes gems like this:

as much as i dont have a solo project, i also cant predict that id ever play in fall out boy again. not due to personal relationships as much as a band we grew apart. in this statement id like to include there is the possibility that fob will play again with out me or i will be a part of it when everyone is on the same page.

Silly me, I thought Wentz's solo project was fathering awfully named children, making out with dudes and getting tramp-stamps.


Oops!

9. And lastly, trailers for "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," "MacGruber" and "Brookyn's Finest" have been giving me headaches. They ALL look awful, even though the sequel to "Wall Street" would be fantastic without the Shia. I mean, anything that could recreate GREED IS GOOD is fine with me, but ... the LaDouche isn't cutting it for me.

+ Photos courtesy of Lucky, Dlisted, Hot Beauty Health, Patricia Field, YouThoughtSo

Live long and prosper, Coco.

After watching Conan's last show last night (which Hank Stuever of The Washington Post describes pretty well), I think I need to reevaluate my life.



Or, at least be less fatalistic. It's weird, I know. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it ... while going to eat a donut ... and watching "Free Bird."



I think this may be one of the only times in weeks that I've liked Will Ferrell. Wait, fuck, was that cynicism? THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

Long live Conan!

So tonight is the last night Conan will host "The Tonight Show," a reality that has depressed me all week. And I've grown even more depressed/pissed as the day has passed, because it seems like every single news item has been about Jay Leno. ... Seriously. Take a gander.

1. Boo, NBC faces a long road ahead of them in making new shows to fill the 10 p.m. slot, even though "Media watchers have welcomed the return of Leno to 'The Tonight Show.'" Umm, first, Reuters, way to make a Leno-loving claim that you then don't back up. And second, maybe if Leno wasn't SO FUCKING AWFUL, they could have planned their schedule better and not continuously blown him instead of created real ideas for programming. You know, like every other network.

2. Oprah is interviewing Leno next week, and supposedly made an offer to Conan too, but he hasn't confirmed. Why the fuck would he? It's pretty obvious what happened here, and I doubt he wants to go on a stupid talk show to rehash it. Plus, hasn't NBC put some rule in his pay-off that won't allow him to be interviewed about this? So, way to go, Oprah - of course, Leno will get his self-promoting bullshit out there, and Conan won't be available to defend himself. Cool.

3. And now it's been announced that Leno will give the key note address at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, I know this was probably confirmed months ago, but I don't care. He's still a douche who gets to bask in stealing back his own gig, which I find pretty reprehensible. Can Stephen Colbert go and heckle? We all know how good he is at that whole Correspondents Dinner gig.

So yeah, here's my thoughts:


Yup. About that simple. Is it 11:35 p.m. yet?

+ Photo courtesy of Mashable