An excuse to talk about Jon Hamm's face.

I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.

1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.


Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.

2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.


Word on the street is Hill is losing weight to star in the upcoming adaptation of "21 Jump Street," which should come out in 2012, and while I commend his 30-pound slim-down so far, I ALSO think his weight loss further accentuates his super-awkward body. His legs are so thin! But he still has a double chin! I don't get it, it's weird, DISLIKE. Get back to me when you lose enough weight to look like a real person, like Seth Rogen did (before he started gaining it back again).

3. Tom Felton at the Empire Awards, sponsored by Jameson, in London on Sunday.


What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.

4. Chloe Moretz at the first Annual Comedy Awards in New York City on Saturday.


Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.

5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.


Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

I still have hating Miley on lock. But now it's mixed with tears of nerdiness.

Uh, my heart is broken: Guillermo del Toro has quit as director of "The Hobbit" film adaptation, which was supposed to come out in 2012.

According to a statement posted online yesterday, del Toro said:

"In light of ongoing delays in the setting of a start date for filming ‘The Hobbit,’ I am faced with the hardest decision of my life. After nearly two years of living, breathing and designing a world as rich as Tolkien’s Middle Earth, I must, with great regret, take leave from helming these wonderful pictures."

Tears. Spasms of grief. Ever since del Toro, who I will forever love because of "Pan's Labyrinth" and "The Devil's Backbone" and yes, even "Blade II," signed on with "The Hobbit," I literally squealed with fangirl glee every time I thought about it. So ... my sadness is fairly high. Pathetically high, sure, but also FAIRLY HIGH.

You know, these pictures of del Toro and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson mean nothing now.



Where's my fucking Kleenex?! And my box set of "Lord of the Rings?" I now have something to do after this "Law and Order" marathon is over.

P.S. Don't worry, this sadness won't hamper my hatred of Miley Cyrus, especially when she dresses like this.


UGH. SOCIETY. WHY.

+ Photos courtesy of The Examiner, This Recording, US Magazine

Comics are always better than Carrie.

Dear this weekend,

Despite the fact that you are a three-day endeavor, I am not excited about your existence. Mainly because you allowed the following abominations of nature to happen. Let me explain.

Elaborately,

- Me.

1. Miley Cyrus again claims she doesn't listen to pop music, this time wrapped in an interview where she bashes "Glee" but also attempts to convince us that her music is not just "glitz and glamour." "A lot of [pop] songs are super shallow, but this music isn't," she insists of her upcoming album, "Can't Be Tamed."

See, here's where I get confused: I'm pretty sure that dressing like a humongous slut and gyrating onstage to covers of bands you don't know - if she knows who the Runaways are, I will fucking swear off ice cream or something - is "super shallow."



Stupid hypocritical bitch!!

2. And then in MORE Miley-related news, she awkwardly suggests onstage that she's not at all over Nick Jonas. In introducing a song describing their break-up, she goes, "They're always gonna come back together no matter what anyone says or the bad people that try to keep you apart. Surprise surprise, it's about a Jonas brother." Hold the phone, people - I'm pretty sure that her current boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is way better looking than that Jonas kid, but even still. Shame on anyone for dating that trashbox.

3. I guessed a few days ago that Heidi leaving Spencer was really just so they could get another TV show after "The Hills" ends this year, and sadly enough, that guess is coming true: Old "Hills" castmate Jennifer Bunney claims that she and Heidi are getting a house together in Malibu this summer and are filming a new reality show. For anyone who gives a fuck, Bunney was in Lauren Conrad's inner circle with Heidi ...


... Before she tried to fuck around with Brody Jenner, pissing off LC and basically getting her kicked out of the clique. So it makes sense that she and Heidi, both now scum on LC's shoes, would be teaming up together. Oh, the memories, when they both looked normal ...


4. "Sex and the City 2," which was pretty universally panned by critics, brings in $46.3 million so far after opening Wednesday at midnight. No, I'm not angry that the film didn't make enough money, I'm pissed that it made so much. Seriously, can someone put the crones away?


Like, I'm supposed to believe this was a flashback to when Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie arrived in New York City in the '80s? Oh, OK. I guess leathery and weathered was in back then.

5. And lastly, no more "Iron Man" appearances until "The Avengers," according to director Jon Favreau. Sadness. As simple as that.

+ Photos courtesy of The Hollywood Gossip, Zimbio, 80MillionMoviesFree

Come on, Steve Nash!!

Watching this Suns game. Trying not to throw things at the TV whenever Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest does anything. Literally, wish death upon both of those douches.

Other things pissed me off this week, sure ...

1. Miley Cyrus isn't going to college. Duh, she already knows everything about the way of the world: be a slut and you'll win. Fucking trashbox. And why go to college and pursue higher education when that worked out so well for other pop stars, like Britney Spears?


... Oh, right. She looks like that now. Oops. I DO wish this frumpery on Miley Cyrus! Keep being an ignorant hillbilly, you slut!

2. Those stupid Salahis continue to beat around the bush regarding how stupid it was for them to crash an official White House event. And then maybe tried to crash another one earlier this week. I can't wait for the two of them to appear on "Real Housewives of D.C.," because I really need an inside look at their crazy.

3. Heidi is supposedly leaving Spencer. Why do I smell a spin-off of "The Hills" brewing?

4. Lindsay Lohan asks Chanel to make her alcohol-monitoring bracelet more of an accessory and less of a court-ordered mandate. Because when you're a young celebrity whose life is in shambles, why not try to make a sign of your addiction just another pretty bauble? That seems logical, really.

5. A variety of studies show that today's college students are less empathetic than previous generations. Oh, so all the technology and drinking and the lack of a draft have made people care less about conflict and others' emotions? Huh. Who would have fucking thunk.

Anyway, seriously, fuck these guys. I hope this picture is an example of the two passing a communicable disease or something. One which causes them to lose to the Suns ...


+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Zimbio

Fucking GROSS.

All I have to fucking say is, who thinks to themselves, "I want to grow up and be a sexy crow? CAW!! CAW!!"

Because if you think that, fuck you. And fuck Miley Cyrus, too.



P.S. I'm not even going to point out the blatant stupidity of Cyrus singing about how she can't be tamed ... and then she's still in the fucking cage. Patriarchy? Misogyny? Retardery? I don't even have any other words that end in "y" that FULFILL MY RAGE.

Good music? No? OK ...

Why is it that all the new songs released today suck? You can listen and judge for yourself, but ...

Miley Cyrus is getting nastier and skankier by the day, which isn't surprising but is still gross,



Christina Aguilera now has a child, so I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be making videos like this anymore (seriously? is that a gag-ball?),



and I miss the days Eminem was a good rapper - like, when he made fun of the aforementioned Aguilera - and didn't rap in that horrible sing-song rhythm that just makes him sound like a fucking goofball. I feel like this is supposed to be an older, more aged sequel to "Lose Yourself," but it's just not charismatic or catchy.



Is Eminem now destined to only rap well on other people's songs, like on Drake's "Forever" and Lil Wayne's "Drop the World?" So upsetting.

Back, judgmental, etc.

Breaking my two-week hiatus. You wept while I was away, I know. Don't fret! I'm back! (I'm not wearing black. That would have been too easy.)

Anyway, personally for me, little has changed in these past two weeks; plus, you don't read this blog for my real life, anyway. You just want the snark, and I - being a woman of the people - am about to hit you up. Here, get at it:

1. So Rihanna is going on tour this summer with Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj as her openers. I don't know, I would probably want to see Rihanna live. She has been known to cover M.I.A. - wicked off-key, but still - and I could be down for seeing that:



But like, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj are just such hot messes. One of my friends noted today that Minaj isn't really curvy, she's just kind of fat ... and, yeah. Her bottom-heavyness is impressive.


And Ke$ha is shockingly gross, soo ...


I might pass on all that. Also, I would put money on the fact that Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj have some nasty communicable diseases that could somehow travel through rows of seats and reach me wherever I am, and I'm cool with being healthy. Really, I'm

2. Plus, I have this feeling that one of them, either Rihanna or Ke$ha or Nicki, would wear this. Or one of them would wear it and then they would swap the leggings during the course of the tour.

Thrash Leggings by Tripp NYC, $50

SO TRASHY. I'm beginning to gross myself out. I'll stop.

3. See, the only trashiness I can truly enjoy is the kind offered up by Bravo - and the fact that "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts its second season in a few weeks on May 3. So. Fucking. Excited.



If another table is flipped in public, my life will be fucking complete.

4. And finally, I was pretty bummed that yet again, for another year, Coachella happened and I was not there. I kind of hate festivals - they always seem smelly and icky and like you never have a real relationship or connection with the artist, just with the douche next to you - but I don't know, this year's lineup looked kind of good. Nevertheless, I'm TOTALLY OK with the fact that I therefore missed Jay-Z performing "Young Forever" with Beyonce instead of Mr. Hudson.



Downgrade from this, definitely. Also, did Beyonce borrow those coochie-cutters from Miley Cyrus? My god, woman, you have enough money to invest in some fucking pants.

+ Photos courtesy of The Guardian, Idolator, Karmaloop

Well, I just dunno.

I often have super-strong opinions about things. Like, how much I fucking hate Miley Cyrus for saying her dream boyfriend is Kurt Cobain. Bitch, you are retarded and like, two decades late.

But on these, I'm not so sure ... like, I understand their merit. But I'm also bummed.

1. James Cameron confirms he's going to update "Titanic" with 3-D effects and release the film in 2012, the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking. Sigh. Why, James Cameron, why? I'm watching "Titanic" now on TNT and it's perfectly fine.


It's actually quite good. Is this just another attempt to get the No. 1 film in the world - like, have 3-D "Titanic" be No. 1, and then "Avatar" be No. 2, and then regular "Titanic" at No. 3? God, James Cameron, you're the worst.

2. I guess I'm late on this, but I didn't know that Christopher Nolan is actively working on a "Superman" film. Apparently it would be like "Batman Begins" and somewhat of a departure from all the previous "Superman" flicks, and I'm OK with that, because some of them are horrible (ahem, "Superman Returns"). But I just can't see the kind of dark, macabre tone from "Batman Begins" adapted to the shiny, staunchly uptight world of "Superman."


And yeah, I know that story also mentions that a third "Batman" film is still being discussed, but I want all Michael Caine and Christian Bale, all the time! I'm not even going to bring up Heath Ledger, cuz I'll weep. Yup, I feel the tears now.

3. I have the Jeffrey Campbell Tick, so I can't pretend that I totally hate these. But they're just ... so confusing.

Giggle Tick Shoe by Jeffrey Campbell, $200

So many cut-outs! So much pleather! I feel nauseous. And am determinedly not reaching for my credit card.

+ Photos courtesy of Fanpop, ObsessedwithFilm, Karmaloop

Those silly kids and their silly choices.

The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were last night, and events like this always make me laugh. Like, you're inviting a mix of teenagers and adults to an event that's chosen by kids who generally vote by their obsession, not any knowledge of real talent. Hence: Taylor Lautner and Miley Cyrus won awards. You get my gist.

But yeah, here are some of my fave outfits from last night - they veer between actually classy and vaguely trashy. So, the Hollywood usual.

BAD: Allison Iraheta of "American Idol." I mean, holy crap, does Manic Panic sponsor this chick? Because WOW this is awful.


BAD: Jackson Rathbone of "Twilight." This guy played Jasper in the first "Twilight" movie, and I guess that gives him enough fame to get invited to this event and dress like such a douche? Can't Stephenie Meyer put an end to this?


BAD: Justin Bieber. I love dumb sneakers. I have a huge collection of dumb sneakers. But wearing such dumb sneakers on the red carpet, just in an attempt to capitalize on being so young and hip? That shouldn't be acceptable.


BAD: Melanie Brown, former Scary Spice, and Katy Perry. Dear God, women. Put some goddamn clothes on. Or at least wear a shirt that isn't see-through, Miss Scary.



BAD: Rihanna, onstage and off. '80s prom dress meets Army fatigues? BLECH. Channeling '80s Madonna? Second BLECH.



GOOD: Miley Cyrus. This is shocking for me, I know. But Miley doesn't look COMPLETELY reprehensible here, which is a big step for her. Yes, leather leggings are stupid, and yes, her hair just looks so fucking ratty, but still. It kills me to acknowledge this, I hope you know.


GOOD: Selena Gomez. She always seems to dress too old for her age, but this outfit is actually really cute: Yellow is a solid seasonal color, the sandals are chic and her hair is great. Good choices, I guess.


GOOD: Rosario Dawson. I want to grow up and be her. Simple as that.


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Radaronline

Those crazy Cyruses.

I made the mistake of suffering through a screening of "The Last Song" last night. Since Nicholas Sparks writes the exact same fucking book every time, I pretty much knew what was going to happen ... and then it did. Nothing compares to "The Notebook," so no, I didn't really enjoy "The Last Song." Or Miley Cyrus's attempt to act.

... Or her family, here at the Los Angeles premiere of the flick.


Like, WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE. Why does Billy Ray always kind of look like a pedophile? Why does little Noah look like she wants to rip off that dress and lip-synch to slutty songs?



And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, why does Trace exist?


I understand that he's adopted and probably has some need to act out to prove that he's different and unique and all that crap. But holy crap, that kid seems like a douchebag.

Oh, and lastly:


Miley's boyfriend and co-star in the flick, Liam Hemsworth, is far too hot for her. That is all.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Fluffy dogs are the best.

If I didn't have enough reasons to hate Miley Cyrus, now she has this cute fucking dog.


TRICK I WANT THAT PUPPY.


I'm going to get your little dog, too - consider that a threat, you hillbilly bitch!

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Starbucks frapp? Is this really a good choice?

Typical trashy hillbilly from the front (does anyone else have Britney Spears deja vu? I do) ...


... Nasty skankosaurus from the back.


Oh muffin tops! You make the world go round. Now, what was that Miley Cyrus said about wanting to be a role model? So about that ...

+ Photos courtesy of Drunken Stepfather

2010, go AWAY!

So I've been away about three weeks; I figure it's time to get back to business. And because I'm stupidly masochistic, why not start with the three things that have irked me so far this weekend? OK, go!

1. Miley Cyrus announces that she's ending "Hannah Montana" after this fourth season to focus on more adult roles. What does that even mean? She's not a good actress. I don't need her polluting actual cinema. She's still a fucking child who raps on YouTube and dresses like a 12-year-old from 1986. My hopes aren't high for "The Last Song," obviously.



2. Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood get engaged. Awesome. I mean, she is the skankbag that broke up his marriage to Dita von Teese, so in a way, I'm grateful, because it means Dita now gets to date hot pieces like this, some French guy named Louis Marie de Castelbajac:


However, it also means that more videos like "Heart-Shaped Glasses" could occur, which would probably make me vomit up the fritter I just ate. Blueberry. Thank you, Amish market.



3. "Avatar" is on track to make more money than "Titanic," making it the highest-grossing film ever. Now, I didn't hate "Avatar" or anything? BUT I pretty much worship Leonardo DiCaprio, so I'm not down with this. Also, "The Dark Knight" > "Avatar," any fucking day of the week, so it's pretty lame that James Cameron will masturbate to his own success every night while thinking up stupid ideas for the "Avatar" sequel. The guy is old.


That's not a pretty picture.

However, all of these pale in comparison to this list The Wall Street Journal came up with: The 200 best and worst jobs of 2010, which ranks the professions and their starting, average and highest income levels. Where does newspaper journalist come in on the list? Yup, way down low:

184

REPORTER (NEWSPAPER)

$20,000

$35,000

$77,000

And that's behind other fantastic-sounding professions like:

156

DISHWASHER

$14,000

$17,000

$22,000

131

MAID

$15,000

$19,000

$29,000

122

VENDING MACHINE REPAIRER

$18,000

$30,000

$46,000

67

FORKLIFT OPERATOR

$20,000

$29,000

$45,000

And my personal favorite:

11

PHILOSOPHER

$33,000

$60,000

$105,000

MAN. If only I had known that a fucking degree in philosophy, one of the MOST USELESS OF MAJORS, would have served me better than four years spent learning how to write and edit, I probably would have toiled away arguing about the validity of stupid questions instead. What's the meaning of life? To never read the fucking WSJ ever again, and hence make my future as a newspaper reporter even more perilous. I'm shooting myself in the foot, but take that, Rupert Murdoch, you Australian douche!

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, MTV

Slutting it up, now with media commentary.

So I normally read Ed2010, this website that gives out advice about getting into the magazine business and often posts WhisperJobs or other notices of job openings in the industry, and though I've never applied to anything through the website, it's still interesting to look at once in a while to see what's open out there. And every so often, Ed2010 staffers write little how-to pieces on how to start freelancing, better your resume and - most recently - "What You Gain from Losing Your Job."

What gems did I learn from this piece? That you can travel and volunteer after losing your job, yay! I don't mean to sound harsh - being unemployed right now would certainly fucking suck - but I kind of hate "stories" like this, which give out this falsely hopeful advice. Losing your job would suck a dick. No amount of helping others would make that suckiness stop sucking. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch, but hey, it is what it is.

In other news, my old standby for what to do if I lose my job is still turning tricks. Plus, since Nasty Gal Vintage just added a crapload of new clothes, I got a new outfit all picked out. Lo and behold:

Caged Zipper Dress, $48


Jeffrey Campbell Gallop Stiletto, $124

Oh yeah. If Miley Cyrus can get away with dressing up like Julia Roberts from "Pretty Woman" for her 17th birthday, then I'm sure I can make a life out of it.

+ Photos courtesy of Nasty Gal Vintage

Is Billy Ray Cyrus sipping on Jesus juice?

Is Billy Ray Cyrus running some kind of brothel?

Because I'm pretty sure little Noah Cyrus is dressed like a major skankbag at this Halloween party held by Jamie Lee Curtis over the weekend.


HOW IS THIS LEGAL? I'm all for sluts, but only when you're of-age and not, you know, 9. Also, insert your own Jesus-related joke ... right here.

+ Photo courtesy of Dlisted

Party in the U.S.A., MY ASS.

This shit makes me so uncomfortable.


I don't know about you, but at 16, I wasn't watching "Sex and the City" and wearing thigh-high stripper heels to go along with my vag-flashing mini-dress ...


... while also pretending to have Christian morals. Nope, I'm pretty sure I was watching this:

YUP, you are seeing that correctly. That's Arthur. I love that aardvark mofo.


So basically, can Billy Ray go ahead and reel Miley in already? Shouldn't his God-loving heart be offended that his little girl is making a cameo in a movie about decidedly unreligious women who fuck all the time, and is doing so in a spiked dog-collar and whore boots? Wouldn't that shit make baby Jesus cry or something?

P.S. Bitch control your crazy eyes!


+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, WPT

It's fugging up my life when I'm with you. (Slightly NSFW)

Thanks to the VMAs and ALMAs, there have been a lot of nasty outfits going around lately; it's kind of like fashion swine flu. These five are definitely my recent faves:

1. I really don't like that Selena Gomez always looks like she's going to the prom or to a wedding as a tacky bridesmaid when she's on the red carpet. I'm not saying she should look like an epic slutbomb, like Miley Cyrus or something, but I do think she should look young and fresh and not old and beat.


2. I'm just gonna go ahead and quote myself on this one: "An epic slutbomb, like Miley Cyrus or something."


3. I adore Leona Lewis; I think she's an amazing talent and could rival Beyonce in the United States if she had better publicity. But trying to be edgy with this unnecessary corset is not helping her case.


4. I hate when celebrities wear American Apparel at large events and awards shows; I've railed against it numerous times in this blog. And while I don't really agree with Yahoo, who said Kat Von D "delivered the trash" at the ALMA Awards with this outfit, I do think that the sheer dress coupled with the American Apparel shorts and tube bra AND that janky wig just makes one awful sight.


5. I am just waiting for Lady Gaga to be completely naked onstage one day, like Macy Gray did a few years ago. Because like, throwing out titties is almost commonplace now; Lil Kim and Janet Jackson were doing that shit years ago, and even Rihanna is letting her nipples hang out while just running errands.


So this photo really doesn't shock me. I'd rather Gaga whip her vagina out and PUT IT ALL ON THE TABLE. That would truly get her the kind of attention she's looking for, I imagine.


+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial, Yahoo