Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Getting gifts is nice, but candy and STDs are better.

Halloween is the best holiday of all, and I'll admit the reason we're all thinking: Because girls can act like humongous sluts with no consequences. To quote Dave Chappelle, we're talking about whore's uniforms - and the uppityness that comes with it.

Basically, Halloween means that girls dress like skanks; I laugh at them; secretly want my own slutty get-ups; the cycle of life continues. Here are some costumes that I really would consider getting if they weren't expensive as fuck, and come on, Halloween get-ups are not a sound investment. You're not going to wear this shit again for a year. Not even I, obsessive-compulsive spender, can justify that. I'll just adore from afar.

1. Some bootleg Princess Jasmine shit.

2. Some bootleg Jessica Rabbit shit.

3. Viking mythology? Really? Yes, really.

4. Star Trek. STFU.

Yet, before I wrap this up, one last thought. Target also has three "Miami Ink" costumes (see them here) - which are not only stupid because they are officially licensed, but also because they seem eerily like Kat Von D ... who parted with "Miami Ink" pretty shittily before getting her own show, "L.A. Ink." So it all seems vaguely hypocritical of the people behind "Miami Ink" to officially license costumes that look like her when they essentially kicked her off the show for not getting along with Ami James (nasty, by the way).

BUT ANYWAY, my boyfriend recently informed me that there's a new porn coming out based on the show called "L.A. Pink." Disgusting? Yes. Also suggestive of many skeezy boyfriends buying their ladyfriends these costumes in an attempt to get them to recreate scenes from said porn? Probably.

+ Photos courtesy of Candyland, Buy Costumes

Ugh, am I admitting that Marilyn Manson has good taste?

Why is Dita Von Teese all up in my business recently? It's like she's trying to tell me something. Like, whisper in my ear about how much she wants to be with me. Or at least inspire me to have lesbian affection for her. Whichever.

Here are some pictures from her new Wonderbra campaign; if they're trying to compete with Victoria's Secret, I'm fine with these tactics.

+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial

Can I get a damn reality show?

I always knew that Lauren Conrad and the rest of the people on "The Hills" (the above picture has the current cast with Kristin Cavallari, but you get the idea) made a lot to sit around, look pretty and pout while wearing really expensive clothes and eating $100 rolls of sushi. But The Daily Beast just wrote up a list of all their salaries and like, I kind of want to vomit:

- Lauren Conrad, when she was on the show: $125,000 an episode
- Kristin Cavallari: $90,000
- Audrina Patridge: $100,000
- Lo Bosworth: $100,000
- Heidi Montag: $100,000
- Spencer Pratt: $65,000
- Brody Jenner: $45,000

Can someone just slap me on an MTV show already and document my shitty life? I'm sure I have as much frenemy drama as LC. Trust me, there are some bitches. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

Also, I found this picture of Kristin, LC and Heidi back when they were just living off their parents' money and all had awful hair.

It kind of makes me happy. Then I remember they make three times I make in a year IN A HALF-HOUR EPISODE, and my hands get itchy to stab something anorexic and blonde.

+ Photos courtesy of MTV, Flickr

Friday, September 25, 2009

HAWT, not.

Dear Dita,

I love you. ALL of you.



P.S. Britney, are those fishnets pulled out over your American Apparel shiny disco pants? You need to learn some tips from Ms. Von Teese, friend.

+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial

Epic fail: Hollywood, youth, Mattel.

Lots of dumb news coming out of Hollywood and the media world this week. Not surprising, I suppose. Here are my fave fives:

1. Thom Yorke, Muse and the Killers are all giving songs to the "New Moon" soundtrack. Like, I'm not going to front. I'm excited for "New Moon" because I'm a pansy bitch who needs Robert Pattinson in my life. But the fact that actually good musicians (well, at least Muse) keep getting sucked into the vortex of "Twilight" films is annoying, because then that means more prepubescent screaming teens will learn about music I like and then get their upper-middle-class parents to buy tickets to concerts that I want to go to, which THEN means that those annoying children and their stupid parents will be at said shows, ruining my life. Infuriating.

2. Dude, are Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom actually getting married or not? WHAT'S THE JIG? I guess we'll see come Sunday, but part of hopes this isn't some humongous publicity stunt or something. I kind of would have expected that from Kourtney or Kim, but not the chunky other sister! I would hope she could just get love and grab onto it. You know, like any golddigger would.

3. Heather Locklear will join the CW's remake of "Melrose Place," and that hurts me. "Melrose Place" was one of the trashiest, best shows of the '90s in how primetime soap-opera-like it was, and that shit should stay in our memories.

The CW's remake seems superficial and vapid (and has Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, gross) ...

... and I mean, so was the original, but in a GOOD, groundbreaking way; this is in a rehashed, fake way. And Locklear should not be gracing it with her presence; that suggests that she approves of it. And I do not approve of that.

4. More people than ever are entering college and grad school as journalism majors. Could that stop, please? The industry is failing. People are clinging to their jobs while these kids dream of being able to "recast and remake journalism," and that's retarded. Maybe I'm just a bitter old trick, but I'm pretty sure we don't need any more competition from these young upstarts; thx.

5. Barbie is getting a live-action film. Do people not remember "Bratz: The Movie?" Ugh.

+ Photo courtesy of Yimg

Wishing I could marry rich.

Things I am currently lusting after while looking at my paycheck and weeping:

1. These.

2. This.

3. Um, yeah.


+ Photos courtesy of Melody Ehsani, Free People, Lulu's

Low-budget Angelina Jolie wanna-bes NEED NOT APPLY.

Also - referring to my last post - whenever Katie Couric finally disappears from this Earth (don't worry, I'm working on it), I would really like her to take Megan Fox with her. She's going to be on the next cover of Nylon - this fashion magazine which I kind of love but also kind of hate because of their poor cover choices, like Kristen Stewart and Lily Allen ...

... and I'm really resenting the fact that this will soon be arriving in my mailbox.

I also resent the fact that Fox blabs in all of her interviews about how shocked she is that she's famous: "I think that I'm really overexposed. ... I don't want to be in magazines every week and on the Internet everyday." Bitch, REALLY? Because I'm pretty sure you probably sucked Michael Bay's dick to get where you are today and now enjoy flaunting your body all over both magazines AND the Internet in order to get more attention for yourself. Thankfully, "Jennifer's Body" bombed and only made $6.8 million its first week, but what kind of woman who doesn't want to be noticed constantly makes faces like this?

So, please trick, disappear. No one will miss you. Nerdy fanboys will find another slore to masturbate to, or they'll just return to the original Angelina. Maybe Brian Austin Green would be bummed for a little while, but I'm sure he can find another badly tattooed skank to feel on his dick on public.

In fact, I may just volunteer. He WAS David Silver, after all.

+ Photos courtesy of Access Hollywood, Just Jared, Dlisted, Celebrity Catch

Katie Couric is on VERY THIN ICE.

Basically, if the world could stop sucking Katie Couric's dick, I'd probably be a much happier, well-rested, less-perpetually-furious person.

Why? Well, maybe it's because she's fucking awful as an evening news host. Maybe it's because she just gets handed assignments, like this monthly column in Glamour magazine that will start next month. Maybe it's because her awful lesbian haircut angers me.

Or possibly, just possibly, it could be because her yearly salary of $15 fucking MILLION DOLLARS is more than than the entire annual budgets of NPR’s "Morning Edition" and "All Things Considered" COMBINED, as this article in Columbia Journalism Review notes. Yes, that means together. As in, one woman makes more than two legitimate radio shows that reach millions of people and do the journalistic world a lot of better good than the woman who interviewed Lil Wayne and talked to him about his "tats" and "tude."

... Yeah. Fuck that shit. Entirely.

The only good thing Katie Couric has ever done wasn't even her. It was Auto-Tune the News, using her voice, which my boyfriend showed me over the summer and which has become a daily rotation on my YouTube schedule. Very thin ice, indeed.

+ Photo courtesy of Wowowow

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

This is some Lisa Frank-type bullshit.

I ... there is nothing. No words. Just vomit. All over these nasty, fugly, straight out of 1980s-crack-Midwest dresses that make me want to go back in time and slaughter anyone who ever liked animals enough to wear them on their cheesy-ass clothes. Fuck you all.

+ Photos courtesy of ModCloth

Monday, September 21, 2009

Full-on lesbian love.

I spend a lot of time staring at Christina Hendricks and thinking about how hot she is. Now you can, too! Because holy crap, did she look bananas at the Emmy Awards last night.

Look, I know I promised that I wouldn't write anything else about awards shows. But have you seen the woman? Those kind of curves demand attention.

Dude, I know. Us peons don't understand your body, either. Just go with it.

+ Photos courtesy of The Daily Mail, The Superficial

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Quit it with that all "Whip It!"

I am vaguely interested in seeing "Whip It!," mainly because my best friend and I have some horrible torture death-wish for ourselves. But really, it looks kind of cute and Eve, Kristen Wiig and Andrew Wilson are all in it; that's reason enough for me, I think.

However, the extra downside to this is that all the recent "Whip It!" commercials feature "I Want You" by Fefe Dobson, which is SO catchy and has effectively burrowed into my brain. And while it works well with the bouncy-happy-hipster! vibe of the promos, my ability to tolerate it as a full song is not-so-good. See for yourself:

+ Photos courtesy of The Frat Pack, Ace Showbiz

They're no Oscars, but the Emmys are still important, I guess.

I mean, they're at least important in the sense that they give me pretty clothes to look at. Although, after tonight, I think I'm going to take a break from awards shows for a little while. There's been too many these past few weeks! I can't handle it; it's too many dresses at once and I get all confuddled.

So here's the last hurrah for now:

The prettiest:

Mindy Kaling! God I love this bitch. She is SO FUCKING ANNOYING as Kelly on "The Office," but she's also one of the masterminds behind the show, and I have to respect that. Also, such a pretty color; I'm all about bright jewel tones.

Mila's eyes basically look like she's trying to rape and fight the camera at the same time. And as a heterosexual female, I want that.

Thank the gods, Drew Barrymore hid that awful weave of hers in an up-do. And really, that's enough to get on this list.

Only hipster queen Chloe Sevigny could get away with wearing fucking polka dots on the red carpet. Crazy bitch! This level of insanity doesn't compare to giving Vincent Gallo a real blowjob in "The Brown Bunny," but still.

The "What the fuckity fuck?" group:

Here's Andy Samberg, who I can usually stand, with Joanna Newsom, an indie harp player who I literally hope dies a thousand fucking deaths. She basically sounds like Minnie Mouse on crack while scooping up helium. It's AWFUL. So shame on you, Samberg.

I normally love me some Tina Fey. But this dress is so boring and funeral-like; it just seems totally uninspired. Like, "Yeah, '30 Rock' is nominated for more awards than any other show this year, but whatevz," was her thought process or something. The show did win for Best Comedy again this year, though, so props.

Who keeps inviting Shar Jackson to things? I didn't know that birthing Kevin Federline's children before he met Britney Spears gave you a guaranteed pass through life. Where can I sign up?

Why is there so much extra fabric on Sarah Silverman's sides? It's like the Renaissance came and threw up mesh overlay everywhere, and she wasn't bothered enough to clean it up. Nast.

The people who organize these awards shows have to be inviting Phoebe Price as some kind of inside joke, right? Because if she can became famous just for PRETENDING TO BE FAMOUS, then I may have a chance. But I don't know if I actually want it, when she's blazing the way ... ugh.

Did Justin Timberlake go back to 1999 and get his awkwardly curly fro back? NOT A GOOD MOVE.

And the men that make my life lust-filled (so much heart-fluttering going on right now):

Emily Blunt is marrying John Krasinski; that lucky skank. Must add her to my death wishlist.

David Boreanaz, I'm just going to pretend that you're pointing at me because you love me. And because you're actually Angel, just pretending to be an actor, to keep up an image of normalcy. That's sane of me to want, right?

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo

Kim Kardashian, why must you vex me?

I get so frustrated whenever I see pictures of Kim Kardashian looking good and wearing amazing clothes. It's like, what? Your entire claim to fame has been starring in a sex tape. UNFAIR, universe. BAD FORM.

But yeah, she looks really good in these pictures, one from an event hosted by In Touch magazine and the other from tonight's Emmy Awards. My jealousy is overwhelming.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo

Lingerie as daywear?

These pictures of Rihanna hanging out in NYC a few days ago confuse me sooo much.

I can understand the corset thing; she looks hot as fuck in the "Paranoid" video, where she wears a sheer black corset. For example, here are some screenshots:

But wearing a corset in a music video is very different than wearing a corset around the city with a "Risky Business"-like men's shirt. Apollonia did that shit 20 years ago ...

... Must we really go back to that?

In other Rihanna-related news, here's a picture of Chris Brown picking up trash in Virginia the other day; his community service started this past week.

I've also heard you'll get 20 metaphorical awesome points if you hit with him a car. It's like "Frogger," but real life!

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, HipHopRX