Back, judgmental, etc.

Breaking my two-week hiatus. You wept while I was away, I know. Don't fret! I'm back! (I'm not wearing black. That would have been too easy.)

Anyway, personally for me, little has changed in these past two weeks; plus, you don't read this blog for my real life, anyway. You just want the snark, and I - being a woman of the people - am about to hit you up. Here, get at it:

1. So Rihanna is going on tour this summer with Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj as her openers. I don't know, I would probably want to see Rihanna live. She has been known to cover M.I.A. - wicked off-key, but still - and I could be down for seeing that:



But like, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj are just such hot messes. One of my friends noted today that Minaj isn't really curvy, she's just kind of fat ... and, yeah. Her bottom-heavyness is impressive.


And Ke$ha is shockingly gross, soo ...


I might pass on all that. Also, I would put money on the fact that Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj have some nasty communicable diseases that could somehow travel through rows of seats and reach me wherever I am, and I'm cool with being healthy. Really, I'm

2. Plus, I have this feeling that one of them, either Rihanna or Ke$ha or Nicki, would wear this. Or one of them would wear it and then they would swap the leggings during the course of the tour.

Thrash Leggings by Tripp NYC, $50

SO TRASHY. I'm beginning to gross myself out. I'll stop.

3. See, the only trashiness I can truly enjoy is the kind offered up by Bravo - and the fact that "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts its second season in a few weeks on May 3. So. Fucking. Excited.



If another table is flipped in public, my life will be fucking complete.

4. And finally, I was pretty bummed that yet again, for another year, Coachella happened and I was not there. I kind of hate festivals - they always seem smelly and icky and like you never have a real relationship or connection with the artist, just with the douche next to you - but I don't know, this year's lineup looked kind of good. Nevertheless, I'm TOTALLY OK with the fact that I therefore missed Jay-Z performing "Young Forever" with Beyonce instead of Mr. Hudson.



Downgrade from this, definitely. Also, did Beyonce borrow those coochie-cutters from Miley Cyrus? My god, woman, you have enough money to invest in some fucking pants.

+ Photos courtesy of The Guardian, Idolator, Karmaloop

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

Fantasy novels, ice cream and murder. All in one place!

So there's good news, and there's bad news.

THE GOOD

1. I've seen commercials for the Harry Potter theme park ...



... but now there's a definite announcement that it will open June 18 in Orlando. FUCK YES I want to go. Apparently they're already selling packages: "Four-night packages, which include an on-site hotel room, park tickets and various amenities, start at $645 per adult or $1,548 for a family of four." I don't need a family of four! I have $645! Anyone with me on this pipe dream?!

2. Yup, Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" has admitted that she is in a lesbian relationship. Does this mean their coupling will be on the upcoming season? Fuck I hope so. I need those damn housewives, because ...

3. MTV announced today that this upcoming season of "The Hills," which premieres on April 27, will be its last. Fucking FINALLY. I'm so sick of looking at these two slorebags.


OK, was anyone forcing me to watch the show? No. But I wanted to see what Kristin got up to! And it was nothing! She's boring! I need more drama. MORE DRAMA. And she didn't deliver. So thank the gods it's almost over.

4. Tom Shales from The Washington Post wrote this column the other day tearing apart ABC's decision to hire Christiane Amanpour for the hosting gig on "This Week," and I found it retardedly stupid. I normally agree with Shales's opinions on TV-happenings, so it was bizarre for me. Thankfully, Glenn Greenwald from Salon agreed with me and wrote a response column that it way better formulated than mine could have ever been. Probably because he doesn't stoop to profanity, like I inevitably would have.

THE BAD

1. Well, I'm fucked. According to this story by The Los Angeles Times, women need to work out an hour a day to maintain their weight throughout their lifetime, and work out about 90 minutes a day to lose weight. When the fuck am I going to find 60 to 90 minutes in my day? Sure, I could quit updating this thing. But then where would I get joy, ice cream? That seems like a self-defeating cycle. Mmm. Ice cream.

2. But in even more bad news for my fattery, President Obama's health care legislation triumph also stipulates that calorie information be posted at most chains, including those restaurants that offer buffets. Doesn't America understand that I don't want to know how many calories I'm eating when I'm scarfing down sushi like it's my job? ... This is why I'm fat.

3. I mean, I know everyone has problems with their parents. But hiring a hitman to kill your dad, after getting permission from your mom? ... Umm, that's fucked up. Way to live up to "The Godfather," lady.

+ Photos courtesy of InsideCelebrityWorld

Fashionz and thingz.

It's that time again, friends - weekly fashion round-up. Let's jump into it, shall we?

1. Dear Stacey Dash, you are 43. I have no words to describe your body, except for, "HOLY CRAP GET 'EM GIRL" etc.


2. Dear Whitney Port, your legs are so skinny in this picture. You also look slightly bowlegged. Should I expect some kind of sob story regarding your anatomy in an upcoming episode of "The City?" Just a thought.


3. Dear Sheree from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," you're looking pretty mannish in that floor-length dress/awkward corset thing. Like a football player. I doubt this is helping those rumors about you being an undercover woman-lover.


4. Dear Mariah Carey, you look ... like a non-crazy person here. I am proud. You left Nick Cannon at home, right?


5. Dear Eliza Dushku, please, always continue to be awesome. I never thought someone could pull off being a zombie Bonnie for Halloween, but I'm happy it was you.


6. Dear Dita, I don't really know what to say about this leather suit except to praise you and your crazy dominatrix fashion sense. So much love. So, so much.


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

TOXIC PARENTS and housewives.

Because I delight in all things trashy, of course I watch "Real Housewives of Atlanta" on Bravo. But I must admit, last night's reunion special - the first of two parts - was actually pretty boring. People's TV Watch nails it pretty much on the head when describing how weirdly uneventful the reunion was, but I'm looking forward to next week's part two, mainly because this preview clip is hilarious.



Michael Lohan, wtf ARE YOU DOING?

Also, that makes this clip between NeNe and Lohan on "The Insider" even funnier.



Oh reality celebrities and fame whores. You are da best.

BABES in Internetland.

Why is every vaguely famous person in the world having babies?! That kind of sudden influx of celebrity spawn horrifies me. Case in point:

1. Bethenny Frankel finally confirms she's pregnant, and that's part of the reason why she won't be coming back for the third season of "Real Housewives of New York City." My heart breaks; she was the only good part of that shitshow. Bitch told off Kelly Bensimon!



I love her for that. Kelly sucks. Anyone remember this? I'm pretty sure she's delusional.



2. Angelina and Brad visited some orphans in Jordan. Umm, does this mean they'll finally add a member of my people to their child army? Can they ditch Jordan, come to Washington, D.C.'s suburbs and pick me up instead? Kthx.

3. Kim Kardashian again talks about how much she wants a baby by the time she's 30. BITCH NO. I really fear for how large her boobs and butt will become with another person growing inside of her. I mean, look at her now:


Literally, I'm horrified.

P.S. Bitch I hate you I want your body.

+ Photo courtesy of Dlisted

This week's gossip - jigga what?

Things that have brought me joy so far this week, and why:

1. Bryan Singer returning to the "X-Men" franchise. I'm not saying the director is fantastic or anything - in fact, since his resume contains embarrassing shit like "Valkyrie" and "Superman Returns," he's been sucking lately - but he did make "The Usual Suspects," and the first two "X-Men" movies weren't completely awful. I just hope he's not doing the sequel to "Wolverine," because dear god that movie was fucking horrendous.

2. "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" is in fact coming back to Bravo, even if the cast list hasn't been released. Regardless, VICTORY, my trend of trashy TV can continue; hopefully Teresa will come back. How could I not love a show that features a woman flipping a table at an elegant dinner party? I couldn't.



3. Miley Cyrus quits Twitter. THANK THE GODS. I'll just ignore her stupid "explanation rap" ...



... and continue dreaming of a day when that bitch is GONE, and not just from the Internet, friends. From the world.

4. Kanye West fails to show up at this weekend's BET Awards, while T.I. keeps winning awards from prison. This could mean a few things: 1. That West is in rehab/got disappeared? And 2. That T.I. is now fully a martyr for the going-to-prison cause. Probably both of those things. Lastly, how is T.I. STILL RELEASING VIDEOS?

T.I. - New Music - More Music Videos

I mean, I know Michael Jackson is still releasing singles even though he's dead, but he was as magical as a super-fantastic-mythical-unicorn. I'm sure he liked unicorns, right? They're just like little kids, I think.

5. Shakira looks hot as shit in the latest issue of i-D magazine ...



Christina Hendricks' breasts are awe-inspiring at her wedding this weekend (lame, btw) ...


and Dita von Teese continues to boost my opinions of lingerie. Sounds about right.


+ Photos courtesy of Hollywood Tuna, PopBytes, Daily Mail

Counting down until Real Housewives of D.C.!

There's only one episode of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" left in this season, I think, which is kind of a bummer because nothing has really happened so far. There were a few fights between Kim, NeNe, Lisa and Sheree, but nothing truly catastrophic. Maybe if Sheree had really tugged off Kim's wig, things would be different, but a girl can only dream.

However, these photos of Kim and NeNe totally reinforce me thoughts on them:

NeNe looks great with her new haircut, and this dress is age-appropriate and bangin' ...


... And Kim needs to grow up and stop buying designer - in this case, Louis Vuitton - just because of the name. Sometimes shit is ugly, even if it costs a lot. Trust.


Lastly, I'm throwing in a pic of Bethenny from "The Real Housewives of New York City" just for good measure. You know, cuz she's great.


+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo

Tonight's flickers of rage.

It's almost time for beddie-bye, but I should get rid of all this anger before it invades my dreams and I have nightmares about Squigs from Warhammer or something.


No, I do not play Warhammer! I'm a nerd, but not THAT much. If you must know, they made a Squig cake on "Ace of Cakes" tonight. Even as a baked good, still horrifying.


Anyway, here are my moments of incessant eye-rolling. Kind of like Jon Stewart's moment of zen, except with anger. So, the opposite of zen? That sounds about right.

1. No more "Reading Rainbow" after today. Sucks! I used to love that shit when I was a kid. I feel like people younger than me (i.e. born after 1990) don't watch any of the stuff we used to, like "Reading Rainbow" or "Sesame Street." They had Bratz dolls and Disney TV shows and probably grew up too fast. Me? I recently bought Sesame Street sneakers. That really tells you all you need to know.

2. CNN has confirmed Larry King's interview with Chris Brown will appear on "Larry King Live" on Sept. 2. Great! Now we can watch him snivel with his mom and lawyer in tow, both attempting pathetically to defend his honor. E! claims that shit was "no-holds-barred." Yeah, right. You know what else was no-holds-barred? That time Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna. Yup!

3. Variety reports that Fox is looking to make cult classic "Heathers" (one of my all-time fave films) into a TV series. WHY, PEOPLE? If this shit does happen, I really, really hope that Winona Ryder and Christian Slater boycott it, and don't take lame roles like Jennie Garth did on "90210." Do not pander, people! "Heathers" is too holy to be fucked with.

4. Bob Dylan is in talks with two major car companies to be the voice of their GPS systems, according to The Washington Post. Was selling out to Victoria's Secret - of all fucking places - not enough for the man? I don't get how a former folk activist goes down this road, really ... and I'm sure there's a GPS joke somewhere, but I'm not going to take it. Pass!

5. Looks like Gretchen and Slade, who were on two different seasons of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Orange County," are now dating. You know, it's not like Gretchen's way older fiancee Jeff died barely a year ago from cancer or anything. But, how could I forget? He left her $2.5 million. And last time I checked, Slade - who used to date former housewife Jo - was an insurance executive who ALSO loved money! Go fucking figure.


+ Photos courtesy of WarhammerInfo, Photobucket, Dlisted

Dirty, Filthy, Rich.

This girl is Italian? Let's be real. Trick looks brown like me (why did you think this blog was named after Ay-rabs, anyway?).

P.S. The show looks fucking awful. Yay more rich people on MTV!
P.P.S. I may have considered watching this if it were on Bravo and included more blow-outs like last night's between Sheree and that douchey part planner (excuse me, "top-level executive"). Truth.