Friday, April 30, 2010

Good music? No? OK ...

Why is it that all the new songs released today suck? You can listen and judge for yourself, but ...

Miley Cyrus is getting nastier and skankier by the day, which isn't surprising but is still gross,

Christina Aguilera now has a child, so I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be making videos like this anymore (seriously? is that a gag-ball?),

and I miss the days Eminem was a good rapper - like, when he made fun of the aforementioned Aguilera - and didn't rap in that horrible sing-song rhythm that just makes him sound like a fucking goofball. I feel like this is supposed to be an older, more aged sequel to "Lose Yourself," but it's just not charismatic or catchy.

Is Eminem now destined to only rap well on other people's songs, like on Drake's "Forever" and Lil Wayne's "Drop the World?" So upsetting.

Cake + Batman = Good.

Today: Slightly better because I consumed thousands of calories (presumably) while eating a slice of honeybee cake from the Amish market. Thx for the good eats, fundamentalists.

So I was, of course, in a better mood to be able to delight in such joyous news:

1. The sequel to "The Dark Knight" finally has a release date, summer 2012. That's actually not so far away, and by that I mean, "Thank fucking God it's happening, I thought it never would, OMG block out my entire schedule in mid-July so I can see this movie over and over and over again." I'll probably cry because Heath Ledger is dead, but there's still something about how amazing the end of the movie is - when Commissioner Gordon is talking about how Batman isn't our hero - that gets me every time. Oh, how emotional I make trite entertainment-related things ...

2. Conan O'Brien is going to talk about everything that went down with Leno on "60 Minutes" this Sunday. Fuck yes! I've been waiting months for a whole story, and now I get it in news documentary format. Loving this combo of journalism and TV drama. If only Ed Bradley were still alive ...

Rest in peace, dude.

3. Speaking of Leno, though, how did I miss that he was hosting this year's White House Correspondents Dinner, which goes down this weekend? I had no fucking idea. Fuck that guy, though. Part of me really hopes he gets heckled by celebrities who finally realize he's just an asshole, but I think everyone is too politically correct to actually do so.

What a back-stabbing douche.

4. So apparently the Boy Scouts have now added a badge for video games. This is fucking awesome, and part of the reason we're all such fatasses. Here, be commended for learning about the video game ratings system, playing a parent- or teacher-approved game and creating a schedule that includes chores, homework and game playing! That just sounds like being a regular fucking kid who has parents, and I'm anti kids getting recognized for doing things that just make sense. We're not all special, OK? Tyler was right, and it's about time us obese motherfuckers realized it. I say this while typing on a laptop and drinking Diet Coke. After that huge piece of cake earlier. ... Yeah.

5. However, it's almost time for summer, which means time for mint juleps. I've never had one but I'm really interested in adding them to my busy summer regimen of watching TV shows on rerun, finally figuring out "Lost" and eating pints of sorbet, so thanks for the recipe, Derek M. Brown! Mm, alcohol. Making my life better since 2009.

+ Photos courtesy of Media Bistro, SF Gate

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I had to explain what a zombie was to my mom the other day.

OK, I just have one question: The whole point of going to the beach is getting noticed, right? But do you really want to be noticed for wearing a bathing suit that is SO FUCKING WEIRD?

That's all I fucking have to say about that.

+ Photos courtesy of Karmaloop

I wish M.I.A. didn't break up with Diplo/didn't have a baby/was me/etc.

I really can't decide if I love M.I.A.'s new video for "Born Free" or not.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

It's already gotten lots of hype because it's so violent (if you don't want to watch it, Rolling Stone breaks it down), and Entertainment Weekly reports that M.I.A.'s rep says she doesn't want to comment on it. And I kind of get it. In fact, I actually really like the idea of using gingers, so arbitrarily hated by society, as a substitute for other stupid decisions on behalf of the bloodthirsty American people. Blah blah blah, analysis criticism analysis. But at the end of the day, can't I just hear M.I.A. singing the damn song? Or get a cameo from Diplo?

I'm really shallow sometimes. I just want to see that hot piece's face. White trash, you are my destiny.

EDIT: The full song is really, really good. And Diplo produced it. I am happy again.

+ Photo courtesy of Rollo & Grady

Window shopping on the Web.

If you've even read like, 20 words on this blog, you'll know that I adore shoes. I do. Really and truly. I could go for any of these:

Rachel Comey Badger Ankle Wrap Clog, $445

Aldo Rosenlof, $90

Finsk Black/Pink Wedge Boot, $598 (ESPECIALLY these)

United Nude Black Frame Triangle Heel, $498 (OMG these too)

However, I don't think you could do anything to get me to wear these. Srsly. I promise. They're just ... so much fringe, right? Like, the kind that would uncomfortably tickle your foot.

Lace Up Wedge with Fringe by Tsumori Chisato in cream or black, $540

... Yup, that's the kind of thing that bothers me. Fringe. I'm so awful.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony, Aldo, OakNYC

Cake has let me down. First time ever.

Today was the lamest day ever. Why? Because I bought a piece of German Chocolate Cake from the Amish market and it SUCKED. Not enough coconut. Not enough pecans. Lame. Fucking LAME! I want my $2 back. Stupid fundamentalists, fucking up my fattery.

So whatever, here are things that I tried to use to occupy my time while stewing over the cake fiasco. Seriously. Tragic.

1. Bahman Ghobadi, famous Iranian director and dude behind the upcoming film "No One Knows About Persian Cats," chats up The Washington Post about how tough his life is. That's not me being a sarcastic bitch; I promise it's a riveting interview. Here's a trailer for the movie, I've already teared up watching it. I'm such a girl.

2. Everyone has already talked about how stupid Rolling Stone is for listing the Black Eyed Peas as the No. 1 reason to be excited about music, but the more I think about what my boyfriend said about the situation, the more I agree: If you're bitching because you now think that the magazine is out of touch, then you're an idiot. Because the magazine has been sinking lower and lower into uselessness for years, so ... them listing an annoyingly money-grubbing group as the top reason to adore the music industry shouldn't be that surprising, after all. Depressing, but unsurprising.

3. Taylor Momsen says some more stupid shit, this time discussing how she wants to "be Kurt Cobain." So you want to kill yourself. Awesome.


4. I saw "The Losers" last week, and I really liked it, basically because I'm a sucker for stupid action movies based on comic books. Duh. But I didn't know that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was dating Hilarie Burton, from "One Tree Hill"?

You know, the primetime soap I'm obsessed with. It's cool, they just have a 17-year age difference or something. No big! And by that I mean, fuck that bitch I love you JDM get at me.

5. In other "One Tree Hill" news, Chad Michael Murray is apparently writing a book, much like his character Lucas did on the show. Umm ... I'll read it, obviously, but will I enjoy it? Probably not. Unless it gives an inside expose on why he married Sophia Bush for a few weeks and then mysteriously the union fell apart and then he started dating an extra on the show and now they're getting married. Poor Sophia Bush. At least she's now dating James Lafferty, also from "One Tree Hill"; he plays Nathan, who was Lucas's half-brother. Yes, I watch too much television.

Not a bad rebound, really.

6. Steve Carell could leave "The Office" after next year. This is probably a good idea, considering the show should have ended when Jim and Pam got married. Like, tonight's episode is going to deal with how Michael struggles with learning Spanish. Sounds ... not funny at all.

7. And lastly, I can't get over the fact that President Obama loves pie. I feel so close to him right now! In that we're both fat people on the inside. OK, maybe me on the outside, too? ... Fuck you guys.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Just Jared, GossipRocks

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Don't fuck with me! I have accessories!

After fashion designer Alexander McQueen killed himself in February, there was a rash of celebrities wearing his designs everywhere to honor his memory (GoFugYourself commented on how Salma Hayek, Lily Cole and Anna Paquin have recently worn his dresses), and sales of his clothes exploded. Now, while I spend a lot of money on dumb shit, I don't really have the dough to afford his clothes or accessories. But if I did, I would probably buy this.

Four-ring Knuckleduster by Alexander McQueen, $429
(also available at Saks Fifth Avenue in both gold and the below silver, but for $550)

Yup, they're all attached.

Would I ever punch someone in the face with it? Probably not. But if I did, it would FUCK YOU UP. Fear me! I crave street cred SO BADLY!

+ Photos courtesy of FarFetch

Horribly sung crimes against humanity.

Dear Ke$ha,

Please die.

Numerous, numerous times.

A lot.



One day, weight loss drugs will be my soma.

I think I've found the answer to all of my life's problems: A new study suggests that in the future, a drug may be created to speed up your metabolism and prevent obesity.

Now, does this sound like some janky shit I could just buy at GNC or something? Probably. But I also am too lazy to look like this:

While simultaneously horrified of looking like this:

SO ... get at me, drugs! You don't even have to be approved by the FDA. I'm cool without that kind of legal validation, as long as I don't look like fucking Khloe.

+ Photos courtesy of ParentheticalThoughts, PoponthePop

Inappropriate humor, death, the usual.

You know, every now and then I'm kind of amazed by how long it takes mainstream media outlets to pick up on obvious trends. Like, this story The Washington Post did on web-only television shows, including "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis." Granted, I would only know about this show because of my boyfriend. But still! He told me about this like, months ago! So why is the Post just writing about this show, and the entire trend, now? I don't know, it just seems desperately dated.

This, however, will always be funny.

Things that aren't so funny, though?

1. That drinking by teenage girls can lead to a higher risk of breast cancer later. I didn't drink until 21 because I'm fucking lame, but like, practically everyone else I know in the world has been sipping on sizzurp for years. So ... good to know some of those people will be dead. Thanks, science!

2. Rolling Stone is going to start charging for their archives online, with like, a $30 annual fee. (Fun fact: one of the kids I worked with at my college paper wrote this story for the AP. I guess I'm jealous.) The New York Times had talked about beginning to charge for their online access, and I understand that journalism needs money to survive, but I'm not sure exactly how many millions of people will pay for this in order to make it a profit. Plus, you could argue Rolling Stone is kind of irrelevant now anyway, right? Didn't it take a year for them to put someone as obnoxious as Lady Gaga on the cover? ... Yeah.

3. South Korea has the highest suicide rate now in the industrialized world, which has been mainly fueled by celebrities taking their own lives and spawning thousands of copy-cat deaths. Fucking insanity. The numbers in that story are just ... well, depressing.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Um, isn't ...

... Gwen Stefani supposed to be fashionable?

If so, then what the fuck is this outfit? A wrinkly, almost ill-fitting satin dress? Footless opaque tights with open-toed shoes? WHITE TIGHTS, no less?

I don't understand; perhaps she is slipping. After all, Harajuku Lovers, her fashion line, did just release these. And holy fuck, they are ugly.

I'm thinking a descent into badness has begun for Stefani. Do people remember this?

I fear a return. A HORRIBLE RETURN.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Karmaloop, GetFrank

God, James Cameron is SUCH a douche.

So the other day I was actually really pissed off at Sigourney Weaver for saying that the only reason Kathryn Bigelow and "The Hurt Locker" won at this year's Oscars were because she was a woman, which is such a fucking bizarre thing for Weaver to say. Sure, Weaver kind of owes her film career to James Cameron and the "Alien" franchise (them then) ...

and she was in "Avatar" (them now).

But ... she's ALSO A WOMAN. So I don't get the seemingly hypocritical haterade. However, I similarly don't get why Cameron thinks it's OK to help out an Amazon tribe's fight against some huge dam, when his only experience with environmentalism is copying "Fern Gully." So now he's a huge environmentalist or whatever, but you know what also comes out right about now?

Yup, "Avatar" on DVD - on fucking Earth Day, no less. I'm not saying he's an entirely heartless, press-loving opportunist. But I am saying he has impeccable timing, no? (Sarcasm. Sense the sarcasm.)

+ Photo courtesy of Shopping Blog, NewsOK, Starpulse

Back, judgmental, etc.

Breaking my two-week hiatus. You wept while I was away, I know. Don't fret! I'm back! (I'm not wearing black. That would have been too easy.)

Anyway, personally for me, little has changed in these past two weeks; plus, you don't read this blog for my real life, anyway. You just want the snark, and I - being a woman of the people - am about to hit you up. Here, get at it:

1. So Rihanna is going on tour this summer with Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj as her openers. I don't know, I would probably want to see Rihanna live. She has been known to cover M.I.A. - wicked off-key, but still - and I could be down for seeing that:

But like, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj are just such hot messes. One of my friends noted today that Minaj isn't really curvy, she's just kind of fat ... and, yeah. Her bottom-heavyness is impressive.

And Ke$ha is shockingly gross, soo ...

I might pass on all that. Also, I would put money on the fact that Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj have some nasty communicable diseases that could somehow travel through rows of seats and reach me wherever I am, and I'm cool with being healthy. Really, I'm

2. Plus, I have this feeling that one of them, either Rihanna or Ke$ha or Nicki, would wear this. Or one of them would wear it and then they would swap the leggings during the course of the tour.

SO TRASHY. I'm beginning to gross myself out. I'll stop.

3. See, the only trashiness I can truly enjoy is the kind offered up by Bravo - and the fact that "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts its second season in a few weeks on May 3. So. Fucking. Excited.

If another table is flipped in public, my life will be fucking complete.

4. And finally, I was pretty bummed that yet again, for another year, Coachella happened and I was not there. I kind of hate festivals - they always seem smelly and icky and like you never have a real relationship or connection with the artist, just with the douche next to you - but I don't know, this year's lineup looked kind of good. Nevertheless, I'm TOTALLY OK with the fact that I therefore missed Jay-Z performing "Young Forever" with Beyonce instead of Mr. Hudson.

Downgrade from this
, definitely. Also, did Beyonce borrow those coochie-cutters from Miley Cyrus? My god, woman, you have enough money to invest in some fucking pants.

+ Photos courtesy of The Guardian, Idolator, Karmaloop

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Yes, I'm this nerdy.

Dear "Tron Legacy,"

I was always interested. But now I am SO FUCKING INTERESTED.



P.S. Daft Punk scoring this movie? Best decision ever.

This is an improvement to Tim Burton's travesty.

So Tarina Tarantino is this fashion designer who makes crazy jewelry and accessories, mostly plastic, that deal with whatever: Skulls, flowers, Abe Lincoln, etc. She just launched a new make-up line at Sephora (yes, I bought some of it), and also a new Acid Alice collection. I love original "Alice in Wonderland" and I think drug-saturated images are funny, so ... I'm OK with this.

Nevertheless, her shit is really expensive. So I would want these, but like, no, I'm never going to buy them. $125 for a plastic bracelet? Yeah, OK. (I'm laughing maniacally. Don't know if you can tell that through a computer screen.)

+ Photos courtesy of Tarina Tarantino

My generation sucks, the economy sucks, etc.

So I have to go see "Clash of the Titans" in 3-D later today. And while I'm vaguely excited about it because I love seeing movies, I'm not entirely jazzed because everyone has been buzzing about how the movie's 3-D sucks. Like, sure, random people The New York Times talked to have said they didn't notice a difference. But I'm just anal enough that I'm sure I'll notice problems with it and then grow to hate myself for seeing the flick. And lastly, may I just say that Sam Worthington's charm is wearing off?

Like, couldn't you shave before attending the March 31 Los Angeles premiere of your own movie? I guess that's too much to ask.

In other things that are too much to ask:

1. Guessing that Kal Penn would stay working for Obama's administration. Nope, after not even a year, he's leaving to go back to films, including a "Harold and Kumar" Christmas-themed movie. I guess that whole change thing has worn off.

2. For my generation to have any ambition whatsoever. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, people my age don't have any interest in a solid work ethic or being defined by their profession or career. Instead, we're just defined by pop culture and technology. Yes, it all seems very superficial, but why is anyone surprised? Most of us aren't getting jobs that are worthy of us, and the jobs we are getting are shitty and basically underemployment. Why the fuck would we be defined by our work ethic when our shitty economy isn't even allowing for that?

3. And lastly, that people would realize unpaid internships are basically like slave labor and shouldn't continue anymore. Oops, unpaid internships are actually on the rise, since so many companies just don't have enough money. Can someone fix the goddamn economy!? I've been contributing by boosting my shoe closet, but apparently that's not good enough. I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY, YOU KNOW.

+ Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Movies

Friday, April 2, 2010

Sam Worthington wore these while filming, didn't he.

Isn't the whole point of a sandal not to make you sweaty and gross?

I don't think the person who designed these "Clash of the Titans"-looking monstrosities got the memo.

+ Photos courtesy of LorisShoes

Pants gone horribly wrong!!!

OK, so I promise this is my last Usher-related post of the day. But this is more focused on, so screw you guys.

So ... after watching the video, did anyone else notice that is wearing drop-crotch harem pants? Like, the ones that Rihanna and Diane Kruger have worn? I remember he had worn them at some post-Oscar event ...

... and that GoFugYourself wrote about it, BUT this is now a repeat offense that must be stopped. THESE PANTS DON'T LOOK GOOD ON ANYONE. And I refuse to believe that his junk is big enough that he needs such a baggy crotch. That just can't be true.

+ Photo courtesy of GoFugYourself

I can handle just one more season, right?

Whoever makes the trailers for MTV's shows needs to get a fucking Oscar, because first I got all excited about the new season of "The City," and now I'm all excited about the new/final season of "The Hills."

I know, I know. Shoot me now.

An angry list of things that bring me anger.

I'm trying not to be a Debbie Downer today, but too many things are annoying me. So here, in one fell swoop, everything that's stupid.

This is why I don't take vacations: Because some Leesburg guy tried to bomb a cruise ship. What the fuck! All those people tanning? A travesty.

This is why I don't want kids: Because some 11-year-old kid killed his dad's pregnant fiancee with a shotgun. Bad parenting? Nature vs. nurture? Fuck if I know, but I don't even want to chance being responsible for a kid who then murders someone I love. BAD IDEA.

This is why I hate Tim Burton: Since his version of "Alice in Wonderland" made a shitton of money, he's now considering remaking "Sleeping Beauty." With Angelina Jolie as Maleficent. Like, I'm definitely on Team Brangelina and everything, but I just can't see Angelina as this woman:

It's just not working for me.

This is why I can't stop eating ice cream: Because scientists are now considering a crippling love of junk food to be like, an actual addiction. I guess all my jokes about cupcakes being my crack were unfortunately true.

This is why I think rich people are awful: Because Jamie McCourt, the estranged wife of the owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball team (she's standing next to Posh below) ...

... is trying to argue in her divorce settlement that she deserves $1 million a MONTH in spousal support. Yes kids, ONE MILLION DOLLARS a fucking month. That works out to $33,333 a day. That amount, in a day, is more than I make a fucking year at my job. There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE.

This is why I will never watch the MTV Movie Awards again:
They are now allowing the public to nominate specific films for consideration, so that any film from 2009 can be up for any category. What is the point of having critics and people organizing an awards show if NO ONE is organizing the nominees? And this means that every category will be inundated with requests for "New Moon," right? UGH American youth, you are the WORST.

This is why I'm not really that excited about next year's family trip to Iran my parents keep pushing: Because going there and knowing that so many people, like its gay community, are subjugated and fucked over will probably put a damper on my trip. I'm not that excited about eating pomegranates and kabob when I hate the government so fucking much, you know?

This is why I don't feel that good about riding the Metro:
Because there were four rapes on Metro property so far this year, and though WMATA officials say "there was an intent" to tell the public about them, they didn't. I feel so much better about my safety.

And, to end on a lighter note, this is why Usher's "Lil Freak" is my jam: Because videos with shady underground clubs, orchestras and Ciara are so bad they're good.

Don't worry, I still can't stand Nicki Menaj, especially in her first solo video, "Massive Attack." (A cameo by Amber Rose? REALLY?)

But back to "Lil Freak," anything with Usher will give me joy. He's just so dreamy!

+ Photos courtesy of LordWhat'sMyMotivation, the Atlanta Journal Constitution