I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.
1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.
Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.
2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.
What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.
Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.
5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.
Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.
+ EDIT: Sike! Viggo is no longer going to be in "Snow White and the Huntsman," which pleases me, because APPARENTLY he's in talks to play the villain in the "Superman" movie Amy Adams has been cast in. I'm going to go ahead and say I'm psychic for linking these two pieces of news together in the same post without even knowing their connection at first! You're welcome. Anyway, have these pictures of Hammer and Mortensen anyway.
If there could somehow be a "Snow White" adaptation with both Hammer and Mortensen in one movie, I would be super pumped, since Hammer looks like this ...
... and Mortensen looks like this ...
But alas, it cannot be. I would probably see Singh's version, because I can't stand Kristen Stewart, but I also can't stand Julia Roberts, so this will definitely be a balancing act for my hatred. I hate most female actresses, big surprise!
Sam Raimi (who did "The Evil Dead" and the "Spider-Man" trilogy with Tobey Maguire) is directing "Oz," which could be awesome, and the prequel will take a look at the land from the Wizard's point of view, chronicling how he came to power, as we all saw in "The Wizard of Oz." Franco is pretty slimy and sleazy at times, so I can definitely see him doing well with the role - and Kunis is hot. The end.
+ Photos courtesy of piercedbyalance.com, lilokpelikula.files.wordpress.com, parcbench.com, hotflick.net
Seriously, they do. Unless football is on, what is Sunday really good for? Basically nothing. All I'm doing is sitting here working through my DVR. These stories are the only things capturing my attention in any way. Until lunchtime. Lunchtime always has my attention.
All I want is more Leo, OK? What's wrong with that? Especially more tortured Leo, like he was in "Inception." My heart, it flutters! Oh, and I find it REAL disgusting that Kristen Stewart made more than Leo last year, by about $500K - $28.5 million compared to $28 million. That's more money than I'll ever see in my life, but I'm pretty sure Leo > everyone else.
IF MARIO IS RIGHT, I'm super-bummed. I love Gwyneth and how she's wonderful at everything but I also love humanizing her, like maybe she was all nervous back in the day but through performing on "Glee" she's grown more confident, like she was on the Grammys!
So you know, like she's human and not a perfect superbeing. That would be cool (and I love this essay on Gwyneth, which explains why people hate her but shouldn't). You're killing me, Mario.
The lipsticks, eyeshadows and other cosmetics (some seen above) had names inspired by the city's violence, like "Ghost Town" and "Factory," and though MAC had said they would donate some of the profits to organizations serving the city, they eventually canceled the collection because of all the bad PR. The more I think about it now, I wish they had gone through with it - the problems in Juarez aren't getting any better, and wouldn't some money have helped? Any amount of money? I know ultimately it was in bad taste to have names that seemingly objectified the women, but given that the shithole is getting crappier by the day, I can't help but think that some money and attention is exactly what Juarez needs to finally change.
+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, latina.com
Here are some things that should embarrass all of us when heading into the weekend, because there's nothing that will get you more jazzed up for two days off than terrible parents and terrible films. Yayyy!
1. I recently made the mistake of watching the trailer for "The Smurfs" movie, which comes out Aug. 3. Because people for some reason want to hear Katy Perry talk instead of seeing her boobs. Hahaha kidding! No seriously Katy show me your boobs.
2. This Orlando couple admitted to beating a 3-year-old boy to death after he wet himself - then they ate a pizza and watched a movie and finally called the cops hours later to pretend the kid was "wheezing" and the noise wouldn't let them sleep. Things this proves: A. Florida is crazy and B. people are crazy and C. people who kill people should be killed by the same way they murdered the other person. I'm talking an eye-for-an-eye justice. That's not just because I'm vaguely Muslim, but because HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE AWFUL HOW DO YOU KILL A BABY ARGHHHHH.
3. Snakeskin pedicures are apparently a thing - women pay $300 or so to get real snakeskin applied to their toenails, a six-month-long process. Why? I don't have answers for why. Because people have a shitton of money and are often retarded? That's as close as I can get. For what other reason would you attach a reptile's discarded skin on your body - for hundreds of dollars? WHY. ELSE. Can't people just go forage in the desert for snakeskin and use Krazy Glue? That's my low-budget suggestion.
4. Lastly, and most depressingly for me, I'm pretty sure I have all the elements of Zac Efron's outfit in the below picture.
And I'm pretty sure I've worn them in the exact same configuration. I'm terrible, I know - but sweaters are comfy! And so are cut-off jean shorts! Fuck you all.
You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.
Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:
1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.
2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:
3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?
4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.
5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?
It's actually quite good. Is this just another attempt to get the No. 1 film in the world - like, have 3-D "Titanic" be No. 1, and then "Avatar" be No. 2, and then regular "Titanic" at No. 3? God, James Cameron, you're the worst.
2. I guess I'm late on this, but I didn't know that Christopher Nolan is actively working on a "Superman" film. Apparently it would be like "Batman Begins" and somewhat of a departure from all the previous "Superman" flicks, and I'm OK with that, because some of them are horrible (ahem, "Superman Returns"). But I just can't see the kind of dark, macabre tone from "Batman Begins" adapted to the shiny, staunchly uptight world of "Superman."
And yeah, I know that story also mentions that a third "Batman" film is still being discussed, but I want all Michael Caine and Christian Bale, all the time! I'm not even going to bring up Heath Ledger, cuz I'll weep. Yup, I feel the tears now.
3. I have the Jeffrey Campbell Tick, so I can't pretend that I totally hate these. But they're just ... so confusing.
I made the mistake of suffering through a screening of "The Last Song" last night. Since Nicholas Sparks writes the exact same fucking book every time, I pretty much knew what was going to happen ... and then it did. Nothing compares to "The Notebook," so no, I didn't really enjoy "The Last Song." Or Miley Cyrus's attempt to act.
... Or her family, here at the Los Angeles premiere of the flick.
Like, WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE. Why does Billy Ray always kind of look like a pedophile? Why does little Noah look like she wants to rip off that dress and lip-synch to slutty songs?
I understand that he's adopted and probably has some need to act out to prove that he's different and unique and all that crap. But holy crap, that kid seems like a douchebag.
Oh, and lastly:
Miley's boyfriend and co-star in the flick, Liam Hemsworth, is far too hot for her. That is all.
The weather is somewhat dreary; I'm somewhat bored; time to post on this bitch. So really fast, the three things that are making me look toward the window longingly and want to evaporate away from the dumbness of today:
1. Sarah Palin's reality show is probably getting picked up by the Discovery Channel, to the fine cost of $1 million an episode. That is blasphemous, and the same price that each friend was getting paid when "Friends" was still a thing people cared about, so ... I dunno. I mean, yeah, I find Jennifer Aniston annoying. But I find Sarah Palin to be A STAIN UPON THE FUCKING EARTH. So maybe she'll fall in a hole or something. Or get ratings like Jessica Simpson's, and then Discovery will cancel the show. Either works for me.
This douche that was in those two "Fantastic Four" movies, which Rotten Tomatoes can attest were fucking horrible? The only really good thing Evans has to his credit is Danny Boyle's "Sunshine," which I'm pretty sure only my boyfriend and I saw. Plus, is Captain America now not going to be brawny and look like this?
Because a jacked-as-fuck Captain America is the only kind I know, and if he turns into some lithe dude instead because that happens to be Evans's body type, that's stupid. PACK ON THE POUNDS, friend. Patriotism can only be size XXL.
3. And lastly, I found my eyes blinded this morning by the sight of these pants, now for sale at Karmaloop.
Sigh. It's like that new, slutty Strawberry Shortcake threw up on her jeans after a bad night out at da club with the Bratz dolls or something. This can't be good for America's youth/fashion sense.
+ Photos courtesy of Mayhemers, Webwombat, Karmaloop
So I saw Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" earlier this week, and I gotta say, mad disappointing. Ruined all my childhood memories of the animated Disney version, mainly because Burton made the Mad Hatter breakdance. Like, what? Fuck your vision, it sucks.
Yeah, not cool at all.
The only good thing to come out of all this, I think, is that Disney Couture has a new jewelry line promoting the film. Designed by Tom Binns, who creates crazy kinds of ornate jewelry, the collection has some sweet shit, like this:
Yes, totally overpriced and NOT AT ALL WORTH the $900 pricetag, but still interesting enough. Bet you dough that Katy Perry will probably be wearing it soon enough; she often dresses up like an egg before, so this wouldn't be too weird.
The stuff that's more affordable, though, is also way more wearable. My picks would be:
I don't think I'll end up buying any of it, though. There's just something about the fact that it's designed specifically for Burton's monstrosity that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe at a sample sale, for way less than what it's being marketed at? Yeah, probably.
+ Photos courtesy of AmysRobot, Katy-Perry.org, Karmaloop, Fred Flare
It's Monday night. I've been snowed in since Friday afternoon. I'm so done with this bullshit blizzard thing ... oh, wait. More is coming tomorrow. AWESOME.
The only way I've managed to stay sane is TV and the Internet. So basically, I'm doing nothing different than I would have done if there weren't snow outside. I'm just more antsy and frustrated. Go figure.
Anyway, here's the things that have kept me captivated these past few days. I really want to blow my brains out. Cabin fever, etc.
5. It's already February, which means that Jean Paul Gaultier's collection for Target is only a month away - it will hit online and stores March 7. You can see the collection's whole lookbook here, but I'm pretty much set on these specific outfits: The trenchcoat on the left in the first picture and the dress and coat in the middle of the second picture.
as much as i dont have a solo project, i also cant predict that id ever play in fall out boy again. not due to personal relationships as much as a band we grew apart. in this statement id like to include there is the possibility that fob will play again with out me or i will be a part of it when everyone is on the same page.
9. And lastly, trailers for "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps," "MacGruber" and "Brookyn's Finest" have been giving me headaches. They ALL look awful, even though the sequel to "Wall Street" would be fantastic without the Shia. I mean, anything that could recreate GREED IS GOOD is fine with me, but ... the LaDouche isn't cutting it for me.
+ Photos courtesy of Lucky, Dlisted, Hot Beauty Health, Patricia Field, YouThoughtSo
Lots of dumb news coming out of Hollywood and the media world this week. Not surprising, I suppose. Here are my fave fives:
1. Thom Yorke, Muse and the Killers are all giving songs to the "New Moon" soundtrack. Like, I'm not going to front. I'm excited for "New Moon" because I'm a pansy bitch who needs Robert Pattinson in my life. But the fact that actually good musicians (well, at least Muse) keep getting sucked into the vortex of "Twilight" films is annoying, because then that means more prepubescent screaming teens will learn about music I like and then get their upper-middle-class parents to buy tickets to concerts that I want to go to, which THEN means that those annoying children and their stupid parents will be at said shows, ruining my life. Infuriating.
2. Dude, are Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom actually getting married or not? WHAT'S THE JIG? I guess we'll see come Sunday, but part of hopes this isn't some humongous publicity stunt or something. I kind of would have expected that from Kourtney or Kim, but not the chunky other sister! I would hope she could just get love and grab onto it. You know, like any golddigger would.
The CW's remake seems superficial and vapid (and has Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, gross) ...
... and I mean, so was the original, but in a GOOD, groundbreaking way; this is in a rehashed, fake way. And Locklear should not be gracing it with her presence; that suggests that she approves of it. And I do not approve of that.
4. More people than ever are entering college and grad school as journalism majors. Could that stop, please? The industry is failing. People are clinging to their jobs while these kids dream of being able to "recast and remake journalism," and that's retarded. Maybe I'm just a bitter old trick, but I'm pretty sure we don't need any more competition from these young upstarts; thx.
It's almost time for beddie-bye, but I should get rid of all this anger before it invades my dreams and I have nightmares about Squigs from Warhammer or something.
No, I do not play Warhammer! I'm a nerd, but not THAT much. If you must know, they made a Squig cake on "Ace of Cakes" tonight. Even as a baked good, still horrifying.
Anyway, here are my moments of incessant eye-rolling. Kind of like Jon Stewart's moment of zen, except with anger. So, the opposite of zen? That sounds about right.
1. No more "Reading Rainbow" after today. Sucks! I used to love that shit when I was a kid. I feel like people younger than me (i.e. born after 1990) don't watch any of the stuff we used to, like "Reading Rainbow" or "Sesame Street." They had Bratz dolls and Disney TV shows and probably grew up too fast. Me? I recently bought Sesame Streetsneakers. That really tells you all you need to know.
2. CNN has confirmed Larry King's interview with Chris Brown will appear on "Larry King Live" on Sept. 2. Great! Now we can watch him snivel with his mom and lawyer in tow, both attempting pathetically to defend his honor. E! claims that shit was "no-holds-barred." Yeah, right. You know what else was no-holds-barred? That time Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna. Yup!
4. Bob Dylan is in talks with two major car companies to be the voice of their GPS systems, according to The Washington Post. Was selling out to Victoria's Secret - of all fucking places - not enough for the man? I don't get how a former folk activist goes down this road, really ... and I'm sure there's a GPS joke somewhere, but I'm not going to take it. Pass!
5. Looks like Gretchen and Slade, who were on two different seasons of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Orange County," are now dating. You know, it's not like Gretchen's way older fiancee Jeff died barely a year ago from cancer or anything. But, how could I forget? He left her $2.5 million. And last time I checked, Slade - who used to date former housewife Jo - was an insurance executive who ALSO loved money! Go fucking figure.
+ Photos courtesy of WarhammerInfo, Photobucket, Dlisted
I've gotten used to really shitty TV remakes of either '90s shows ("Beverly Hills, 90210") and '80s movies ("The Karate Kid") that I really love - CW's "90210" was spectacularly shitty, and the upcoming Will Smith version of "Karate Kid" fills me with dread:
