Sundays bore me.

Seriously, they do. Unless football is on, what is Sunday really good for? Basically nothing. All I'm doing is sitting here working through my DVR. These stories are the only things capturing my attention in any way. Until lunchtime. Lunchtime always has my attention.

1. Baz Lurhmann avoids talking about whether he's ACTUALLY working on "The Great Gatsby" film adaptation or not. I'm sorry, what? Word on the street was the main roles had already been cast - including Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan - and that the film would be shot in 3-D and NOT in New York City. But now Baz is kind of denying all of it. Great. Thanks. Wonderful.


All I want is more Leo, OK? What's wrong with that? Especially more tortured Leo, like he was in "Inception." My heart, it flutters! Oh, and I find it REAL disgusting that Kristen Stewart made more than Leo last year, by about $500K - $28.5 million compared to $28 million. That's more money than I'll ever see in my life, but I'm pretty sure Leo > everyone else.

2. Chef Mario Batali, who is good friends with Gwyneth Paltrow and collaborated with her on a 2008 cookbook and another upcoming one, says he thinks she was "playing nervous" onstage, like when performing at the Country Music Awards:



IF MARIO IS RIGHT, I'm super-bummed. I love Gwyneth and how she's wonderful at everything but I also love humanizing her, like maybe she was all nervous back in the day but through performing on "Glee" she's grown more confident, like she was on the Grammys!



So you know, like she's human and not a perfect superbeing. That would be cool (and I love this essay on Gwyneth, which explains why people hate her but shouldn't). You're killing me, Mario.

3. And lastly, Al Jazeera did a piece on the Mexican city of Juarez, where a shitton of women disappear, get raped and die on a regular basis. The city's been covered a lot in the media already, but Al Jazeera's story reminded me of how makeup company MAC had planned on releasing a Juarez-themed collection last year, in partnership with fashion company Rodarte, who had released a clothing collection based on the women of Juarez.


The lipsticks, eyeshadows and other cosmetics (some seen above) had names inspired by the city's violence, like "Ghost Town" and "Factory," and though MAC had said they would donate some of the profits to organizations serving the city, they eventually canceled the collection because of all the bad PR. The more I think about it now, I wish they had gone through with it - the problems in Juarez aren't getting any better, and wouldn't some money have helped? Any amount of money? I know ultimately it was in bad taste to have names that seemingly objectified the women, but given that the shithole is getting crappier by the day, I can't help but think that some money and attention is exactly what Juarez needs to finally change.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, latina.com

This is the part where I offer some opinions.

If you're trying to figure out what to do this weekend and have decided that spending on overpriced movie tickets and super-salty popcorn and humongous cups of soda is in the cards, please, let me guide your choices. I reviewed the three movies opening this weekend, and if you don't read them, I will kill you.


- Mars Needs Moms: So touching! So Disney! Starring Seth Green but with his voice swapped out for a small child's! Given that he's a grown-ass man playing a kid, I agree with that choice. Overall, a solid flick if you're feeling like a kid again.


- Battle: Los Angeles: Stuff blows up, people die, there are aliens, Aaron Eckhart has a really strong jawline. That's really all you need to know. Did I mention the explosions? And Eckhart's jawline? Because it's really chiseled.


- Red Riding Hood: I can only hope that everyone involved with this movie, except Leonardo DiCaprio, meets an untimely death. That's a drastic pronouncement, but seriously, the movie is terrible. So maybe I don't want them to die, but I DO want someone in Hollywood to get their shit together and stop funding everything that rips off "Twilight." Really, I more want Stephenie Meyer to die. That's more accurate.

+ Photos courtesy of daemonsmovies.com, netkushi.com, collider.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

Those silly kids and their silly choices.

The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were last night, and events like this always make me laugh. Like, you're inviting a mix of teenagers and adults to an event that's chosen by kids who generally vote by their obsession, not any knowledge of real talent. Hence: Taylor Lautner and Miley Cyrus won awards. You get my gist.

But yeah, here are some of my fave outfits from last night - they veer between actually classy and vaguely trashy. So, the Hollywood usual.

BAD: Allison Iraheta of "American Idol." I mean, holy crap, does Manic Panic sponsor this chick? Because WOW this is awful.


BAD: Jackson Rathbone of "Twilight." This guy played Jasper in the first "Twilight" movie, and I guess that gives him enough fame to get invited to this event and dress like such a douche? Can't Stephenie Meyer put an end to this?


BAD: Justin Bieber. I love dumb sneakers. I have a huge collection of dumb sneakers. But wearing such dumb sneakers on the red carpet, just in an attempt to capitalize on being so young and hip? That shouldn't be acceptable.


BAD: Melanie Brown, former Scary Spice, and Katy Perry. Dear God, women. Put some goddamn clothes on. Or at least wear a shirt that isn't see-through, Miss Scary.



BAD: Rihanna, onstage and off. '80s prom dress meets Army fatigues? BLECH. Channeling '80s Madonna? Second BLECH.



GOOD: Miley Cyrus. This is shocking for me, I know. But Miley doesn't look COMPLETELY reprehensible here, which is a big step for her. Yes, leather leggings are stupid, and yes, her hair just looks so fucking ratty, but still. It kills me to acknowledge this, I hope you know.


GOOD: Selena Gomez. She always seems to dress too old for her age, but this outfit is actually really cute: Yellow is a solid seasonal color, the sandals are chic and her hair is great. Good choices, I guess.


GOOD: Rosario Dawson. I want to grow up and be her. Simple as that.


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Radaronline

Dragons, vampires, washed-up actresses, oh my!

So I really have no interest in seeing "How to Train Your Dragon," because I think there's something horribly wrong with paying $17 to see a movie in 3D. But if I were more gullible, then this picture of Jay Baruchel, who voices a character in the movie, at the Los Angeles premiere of the movie March 21 would totally have me sold.


He's just so adorable! He has the same constantly high look that James Franco gets, and I'm kind of digging it.

But like, this poster of "Eclipse" isn't eliciting the same reaction in me. I don't know, it's so dark and melodramatic ... which I guess I should have expected from Stephenie Meyer. Silly me.


Also not exciting: that there's going to be a fourth "Scream" film, after "Scream 3" came out in 2000. Sigh. At least Neve Campbell will have work again, which I guess is a good thing? Do people besides me even still remember who she is?!

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies

Oof, UO.

So, Urban Outfitters just added this T-shirt to their website today, and ...


... if you're like a humongous geek like me, you recognize that shirt as a fake one for Forks High School, which is the school in the "Twilight" books. And if you're luckily oblivious to "Twilight" stuff, well, there you go, I just informed you.

But my real qualm is this: I would expect this "Twilight"-inspired shit from Hot Topic, you know, because the store has this humongous section of their website dedicated to "New Moon" merchandise. But is anyone really going to buy a fake Forks High School shirt from Urban Outfitters? Especially a men's shirt? Bad call, hipsters. Bad call.

+ Photo courtesy of Urban Outfitters

I have to deal with this crap for TWO MORE MOVIES?

So as the release date for "New Moon" steadily approaches - Nov. 20 seems far closer on this side of Halloween - more and more magazines are turning their attention to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. And I must say, this photoshoot for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair seems very poor, indeed.



Did they wrap Kristen Stewart in trash? In the eternal words of Minerva McGonogall, 10 points.


Is Robert Pattinson giving the camera his best "Who is this bitch looking at me, I'm turning on the FIERCE!" face? Take another 10 points.


So we've progressed to choking a bitch? TAKE ALL THE POINTS YOU WANT.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Celeb pairings, romantic and otherwise.

So in case you didn't know, one is the loneliest number. Who would have guessed? Look, it's just a rule: Things are always better in a pair. See, here's a Halloween-themed indication of this:


Yup, that's Linus and Sally. It's the Great Pumpkin, BITCHES.

Anyway, here are my favorite celebrity duos this week. Reasons vary, obvi.

1. Michelle Williams and daughter Matilda both look cute as hell while traipsing around New York City.


This makes me miss Heath Ledger. Boo to prescription drugs and ...

2. ... Yeah, that was a poor segue into a post about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but MK was supposedly having a relationship with Ledger when he died, so there you go. Anyway, the twins looked vaguely matronly (no surprise there) when launching their new juniors' line, Olsenboye, with JC Penney earlier this week.


Yes, them looking old while launching a line for teens is an awkward juxtaposition, but cheap clothes are nice, and Olsenboye will definitely be less obnoxious than Elizabeth and James, which is so expensive it makes my heart weep.

3. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are dating, as evidenced by their both attending a hockey game together and going out to dinner this week. I only giggle at this because 1. Swift kind of looks possessed in the picture below ...


... and because 2. the idea of having sex with someone who is named the same thing as you confuses me. Wouldn't it be awkward to keep hearing the same name thrown out there/moaned back and forth? OK, they're teenagers, I'm creepy, whatever.

4. Lastly, I despise Kobe Bryant because he's a cocky bastard. However, I revel in this photo because his wife looks fat as they are leaving to attend some party after the Lakers' win over the Clippers earlier this week.


Trick what are those thighs? DELIGHTFUL. It's the small things that bring me joy, really.

+ Photos courtesy of ImageShack, OMG! Yahoo, Dlisted

People born in the '90s make me uncomfortable.

Dear Taylor Lautner,

I know that you star as Jacob in the "Twilight" movies, which I claim to despise. I also know that you are only 17, having been born in 1992, when I was 5-years-old and already in elementary school. However, all of this can be forgotten because, while you looked like this in the first "Twilight" ...


... your body is now bangin,' as evidenced in the upcoming November issue of GQ.


Thanks for making me feel like a creepy pedophile.

With lots of cougar love,

- Me.

+ Photos courtesy of NewsOK, TenGossip

Epic fail: Hollywood, youth, Mattel.

Lots of dumb news coming out of Hollywood and the media world this week. Not surprising, I suppose. Here are my fave fives:

1. Thom Yorke, Muse and the Killers are all giving songs to the "New Moon" soundtrack. Like, I'm not going to front. I'm excited for "New Moon" because I'm a pansy bitch who needs Robert Pattinson in my life. But the fact that actually good musicians (well, at least Muse) keep getting sucked into the vortex of "Twilight" films is annoying, because then that means more prepubescent screaming teens will learn about music I like and then get their upper-middle-class parents to buy tickets to concerts that I want to go to, which THEN means that those annoying children and their stupid parents will be at said shows, ruining my life. Infuriating.

2. Dude, are Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom actually getting married or not? WHAT'S THE JIG? I guess we'll see come Sunday, but part of hopes this isn't some humongous publicity stunt or something. I kind of would have expected that from Kourtney or Kim, but not the chunky other sister! I would hope she could just get love and grab onto it. You know, like any golddigger would.

3. Heather Locklear will join the CW's remake of "Melrose Place," and that hurts me. "Melrose Place" was one of the trashiest, best shows of the '90s in how primetime soap-opera-like it was, and that shit should stay in our memories.


The CW's remake seems superficial and vapid (and has Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, gross) ...


... and I mean, so was the original, but in a GOOD, groundbreaking way; this is in a rehashed, fake way. And Locklear should not be gracing it with her presence; that suggests that she approves of it. And I do not approve of that.

4. More people than ever are entering college and grad school as journalism majors. Could that stop, please? The industry is failing. People are clinging to their jobs while these kids dream of being able to "recast and remake journalism," and that's retarded. Maybe I'm just a bitter old trick, but I'm pretty sure we don't need any more competition from these young upstarts; thx.

5. Barbie is getting a live-action film. Do people not remember "Bratz: The Movie?" Ugh.



+ Photo courtesy of Yimg

I'm having a Blair/Chuck Bass moment.

What is this?!

BITCH GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND!

Sigh. Their maybe-relationship-thing is really cramping my excitement for "New Moon," which is also truly baffling because I haven't even seen "Twilight." Basically, my insanity has no cause, just lots of effects.

<3 ROBERT PATTINSON!

EXTENDED NEW MOON TRAILER just debuted at the VMAs. I'M GONNA DIE FROM HAPPINESS.

YES.



P.S. Ignore the trick in the middle.


+ Photo courtesy of MTV

Let's hear it for New York ...

Jay-Z's "The Blueprint 3," which comes out tomorrow, leaked earlier this week and was pretty disappointing, despite months of hype. There are about five good songs on the album - the singles "Death of Auto-Tune" and "Run This Town" (which isn't that hot, but is when compared to the rest of the tracks), closer "Young Forever" and some other stuff - but the one that's the catchiest and most stuck in my head is "Empire State of Mind," which features Alicia Keys.



And ... lo and behold ... after being used in MTV's VMA promos, it's now going to be performed that night. Baller! I was about to skip this shit and now I should probably tune in, at least for these four minutes or so. Oh, and for the extended "New Moon" trailer. I. Die.

Twilight strikes again! With lipgloss.

I'm pretty happy that my Robert Pattinson infatuation can now extend to cosmetics, too. Case in point: Twilight Lip Venom by DuWop.


I really like that DuWop explicitly says "this product should be shaken before use to represent the bleeding of the human and vampire worlds and applied repeatedly until lips are plumped, revitalized and the desired intensity of color has been reached."

Fucking hilarious. And totally necessary, so I can pucker up to Robert Pattinson:


And all his friends, too.


Yay, obsessive-compulsive behavior! It's my fave.

+ Photos courtesy of DuWop, EntertainmentWise

Bryce Dallas Howard really lucked out.

Looks like BooBoo Stewart (yes, seriously), who plays Seth Clearwater in the upcoming "New Moon" ...



... recently gave an interview where he claimed that there are two more movies in the "Twilight" franchise after the third adaptation, "Eclipse" - and was then handed the proverbial smackdown by Summit Entertainment:

“We appreciate our young actor’s enthusiasm for the franchise d his role, but his comments about the number of films were unfortunately uninformed and not accurate,” the Summit rep said in a statement to Access.

The Access Hollywood story goes on to say that "there are no guarantees yet that those films will be made."

I'm sorry, but who the fuck are we kidding? "Twilight" was successful, there's movie paraphernalia sold everywhere from Hot Topic to Target and Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are on different magazine covers every week. What the fuck else would Summit make money off of if not for this shit? The last book, "Breaking Dawn," will most definitely turn into a film, and though Stephenie Meyer is all pissed about her manuscript of "Midnight Sun" leaking online and has said she won't continue writing the book, I wouldn't be shocked if they somehow figured out a way to adapt that into a film, too.

Although, BooBoo better watch his ass. He shouldn't forget - if Rachelle Lefevre/Victoria was replaceable, he probably is, too.

+ Photos courtesy of TwoFlavours, Twilight-Obsession

If you have to use somebody, can't it be me?!

Um. Excuse me. Robert Pattinson?


STOP GETTING INTO CHARACTER.


Seriously, is this you leaning in for a kiss with that fugly mullet-toting skankbag? I hope deadly prepubescent "Twilight" fans attack you on your way home from this Kings of Leon concert. I'm with you in spirit, kiddies.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Teens shouldn't have choices!

... You know why? Because they give awards to things like "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" (Choice Movie Action Adventure); "27 Dresses" (Choice Movie Chick Flick); Megan Fox (Choice Summer Movie Star Female); Tom Welling (Choice TV Actor Action Adventure) who stars in "Smallville," which I didn't even know was still on the air; Ryan Sheckler (Choice Male Action Sports Athlete); Bo, the Obama family's dog (Choice Celebrity Pet); and Honor Marie Warren, Jessica Alba's daughter (Choice Celebrity Baby).

So ... I reiterate. Teenagers shouldn't be given the power of making decisions, because they give awards to dogs, babies and Megan Fox. That's all equally idiotic, I think.

Also stupid: the following five people, who were definitely the worst dressed of the night. Surprisingly, Fergie (who often knowingly does this in public) is not on this list. Shocking, I know.

+ Kristen Bell, who was so fantastic on the short-lived "Veronica Mars" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," should not wear jumpsuits. Because no one should wear jumpsuits. Ever.


+ After "Gilmore Girls" went off the air in 2007, Alexis Bledel has done little except play a whore in "Sin City" and amuse prepubescents in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" films. She stars in the upcoming film "Post Grad," but someone who used to be a model should know better than to wear a reject '80s prom dress that looks discarded from the costume closet of "The Wedding Singer" or something.


+ Kat Von D looked fine like this.

Yes, she was getting a little curvier (although this shit is stupendously unflattering), but there wasn't a need to (theoretically) go on a coke binge, bleach her hair and end up like this, was there?


Because, ew. Trick eat a sandwich!

+ IMDB tells me that Keana Texeira has been on seven episodes of some TLC show called "REAL SIMPLE. REAL LIFE," was "rock-throwing girl" in "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" and will appear in two films - "Jelly" and "A Woman Called Job" - later this year, neither of which seems like it will get her any more name-recognition. So, one, why was she invited to this shindig, and two, does she have some kind of evil stepmother that tore up her dress before she left the house? Did she get caught in an elevator? Did a mob accost her before she showed up on the red carpet? WHAT CAUSED THIS AWFUL TORE-UP-FROM-THE-FLOOR-UP CONDITION?!


+ Dear Kristen Stewart,

Wash. Your. Fucking. Face.

Spitefully,

Me.


P.S. Tell Robert Pattinson I love him.


+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo, Bella Sugar, The Associated Press, Stupid Celebrities

Cry Little Sister.

In the realm of celebrity magazines, Entertainment Weekly is that superficial guilty pleasure you thumb through while the guy in front of you at the self-checkout line at Giant struggles to get his shit together, or when you're preparing yourself at the doctor's office for yet another obnoxious co-pay fee and the baby in the waiting area with you inevitably screams the entire time, or when you want to punch the skinny girl on the Stairmaster next to you at the gym because look, if you're already in shape, go work out somewhere else away from us not-perfect people, thx. Your toned calves do not help a damaged psyche that self-medicates with Ben and Jerry's, OK?

But anyway, back to the topic at hand: Everyone knows Entertainment Weekly is the swill of the masses, a perfect mix of mainstream appeal (they liked Kanye's "808s and Heartbreak") and surprisingly in-depth reporting (a cover story on that pesky writer's strike). So when their latest issue listed the top 20 vampires of all time, I shouldn't have been surprised that Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen from "Twilight" was in the top 10, as he's the latest pretty-boy at the forefront of this faux-Goth obsession.

Yet ... in the top 5 ... at No. 4, above Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgård/Bill and Eric from "True Blood" (No. 5), David Boreanaz/Angel (No. 7), Gary Oldman/Dracula from "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (No. 10), Kiefer Sutherland/David from "The Lost Boys" (No. 14) and Wesley Snipes/Blade (No. 16)? And no James Marsters/Spike!? Out-of-touch entertainment writers say what?

I'm just as appreciative of Pattinson's dreaminess as the next person - I'm not drawing blood spots on my neck and begging him to bite me while panting over "Hot Topic" merchandise or anything - but he's cute in a grungy-dirty-Ray Ban-wearing way. It's just that he's way better as himself:



Than as Edward Cullen, an overprotective, pathetically overdramatic perpetual-teenager with too much angst and too little charisma who is profoundly awful, and has only perpetuated some kind of weirdly anti-feminist dogma by Stephenie Meyer, who probably cackles while counting all the dough she's made over hormone-heavy prepubescents.



Shame on you, EW. I didn't really expect "more," per se ... but you get my drift.

P.S. Best episode of "Buffy," ever.