I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

Kat Von D is still dating Bam Margera, but this is a win in my book.

You know, I think it's pretty interesting that Kat Von D, well-known fan of crazy hair colors and vagina-flashing leggings (and apparently strange posed pictures with Nick Cannon) ...


... looks better than most other people at E!'s 20th birthday bash Monday at the London Hotel in West Hollywood. Especially when compared to Kelly Rowland, who used to be in Destiny's Child and made millions of dollars with one of the hottest girl-groups ever and yet can't seem to wear a suit that doesn't make her look like a fucking pile of vomit some kid threw up after eating too much Halloween candy.


And don't make a face, we've all done it. All fat kids are the same! It's our life's burden - we cry, eat, repeat. It's a system.


I'm sure Khloe knows what I'm talking about. I'm guessing Quick Trim just pays for her to wear Spanx and whore products out with Kim, because ... I mean, that seems a lot easier than exercising.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

I CRY TEARS.

SO disappointed today. For so many reasons.

1. David Boreanaz, who stole my heart by playing Angel on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" all those years ago, admits to cheating on his wife. That's him, looking dreamy.


I guess he gets points for honesty and for not allowing the situation to become Tiger Woods- or Jesse James-like? But ... he still cheated. IT'S BREAKING MY HEART.

2. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz continue to look like total douches when attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend ...


... and while "hiking" in Los Angeles after returning from the race.


I put "hiking" in quotations because I fucking refuse to believe that these people exerted any kind of energy while wearing Converse sneakers and jeans, AND ALSO TEXTING. That's like, the most uncomfortable, illogical "hiking" situation ever, so disbelief, you are all up in my face right now.

3. NBC approves another show from J.J. Abrams. You may immediately think, "Hypocritical bitch, but you LOVE 'Lost'!" And yes, that's true. But I really don't like that this show sounds like a "Mr. and Mrs Smith" rip-off: "Undercovers, about a married couple of former spies lured out of retirement by the CIA," is how USA Today describes its premise. BOO. Do people not remember how lame "Felicity" was, which Abrams was also responsible for? Come on.

4. Some woman attacks people in a California Target, stabbing the fuck out of them for no reason. ALL I DO IS SHOP AT TARGET. THIS IS A HORRIBLE DEVELOPMENT FOR SOCIETY. Like, what was her motive? Pissed off at the low prices? Angry at the aisles and aisles of well-organized merchandise? UGHH.

5. Lastly, Kendall Jenner may be only 14 and only half Kardashian, but god, her wardrobe choices are really making me hate her already.


16-year-old Ali Lohan, you have met your dressing-far-too-old-for-her-age, on-the-road-to-crack match. FIGHT!

+ Photos courtesy of TIME, OMG! Yahoo

One day, weight loss drugs will be my soma.

I think I've found the answer to all of my life's problems: A new study suggests that in the future, a drug may be created to speed up your metabolism and prevent obesity.

Now, does this sound like some janky shit I could just buy at GNC or something? Probably. But I also am too lazy to look like this:


While simultaneously horrified of looking like this:


SO ... get at me, drugs! You don't even have to be approved by the FDA. I'm cool without that kind of legal validation, as long as I don't look like fucking Khloe.

+ Photos courtesy of ParentheticalThoughts, PoponthePop

Don't worry, this doesn't mean I've stopped hating them or anything.

I knew that the Kardashian sisters had launched a new clothing line with bebe, but I didn't know that they were promoting it by actually wearing the clothes. And by "they were promoting it," I meant, "Kim is promoting it," because I doubt Khloe's Amazonian body could fit into anything from bebe and Kourtney is recovering from pregnancy-fat. Sooo ... yeah.


And while I'm not really sure if the sisters completely ripped the line off of others (even though this article kind of seems bulletproof), I don't totally hate what they did, which is shocking for me. Some of it is totally janky, yeah, but most of it isn't awful. I know, I may be having an aneurysm.

But like, this one-shoulder wet-look dress, that Kim has worn around? Not horrible. Or a dress with some leather-inset pattern on the sleeve? Could be cheaper at Forever 21, but hey, it's not vomit-inducing. Lastly, this goddess-like wrap dress? I think I actually want it. I mean, white is a HORRIBLE color choice, but this is the Kardashians. I'm not expecting real fashion here. Let's be serious.

Also, how does one GET a cupcake line?


Cuz I eat a lot of cupcakes. And I really think Kim Kardashian doesn't. Just throwing that out there.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Celebuzz

Violence is MY answer.

Someone gave Kim Kardashian a black eye ...


... and it wasn't ME?!

How lame. All I want to do is beat her up for looking good in this Princess Jasmine costume and ruining all my love for the Disney character.


Is that so wrong?

+ Photos courtesy of People, CelebJihad (yup, that's a real website)

People understand tattoos last forever, right?

I really, really think tattoo artists in Hollywood have the goofiest jobs, because I'm pretty sure celebrities get the DUMBEST TATTOOS EVER. (Full disclosure: I have tattoos, but no, they are not butterflies/dolphins/hearts/tramp stamps, so yes, I am allowed to judge.)

Anyway, a little while ago my rage began with Scarlett Johansson's tattoo, because it's some ridiculous, glittery, ugly landscape thing that looks straight out of Lisa Frank:


Then Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian get these matching monstrosities this past weekend:


And now Lindsay Lohan apparently has some gaudy, Tinkerbell-esque crap on her arm about stars being allowed to twinkle or something:


Can't people just give this shit a rest? Pull an Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp and start lasering this badness off or something? I feel like I'm constantly reading Bookworms with Ink, but like, with less misspellings and more general stupidity.

+ Photos courtesy of TattooFiles, OMG! Yahoo, CelebSlam

Some pictures are worth some words.

OH, dear Jesus, so many hilarious pictures lately. Here's quick thoughts on the three that made me giggle most today:

1. Kim Kardashian, again, wearing clothes I want.


However, the juxtaposition of her heavily made-up face with the SO FUCKING PREGNANT Kourtney just makes me laugh. Also, are they going to a club for Kim's 29th birthday or something? BITCH YOUR SISTER IS PREGNANT. Can't you send her home while you go get crunk (more pictures of the night here) and stop rubbing your body/fame/life in her face?

2. How come everyone always yells at me for wearing sweatpants, but it's OK for Gwen Stefani to wear BOTH sweatpants AND tie-dye?


I call unfair. Also, if you're going to take the time to put on such flashy red lipstick and more make-up than you need, why not just put on NOT CRUMMY CLOTHES? Just a thought.

3. Russell Brand in his American Apparel undies is just funny to me, I don't know why.


Maybe because how he started dating Katy Perry is also amusing (he hit on her all night at the VMAs, she texted him a pic of her boobs), even though their constant PDAs are kind of gross.

+ Photos courtesy of Hollywood Tuna, OMG! Yahoo, PopSugar

BABES in Internetland.

Why is every vaguely famous person in the world having babies?! That kind of sudden influx of celebrity spawn horrifies me. Case in point:

1. Bethenny Frankel finally confirms she's pregnant, and that's part of the reason why she won't be coming back for the third season of "Real Housewives of New York City." My heart breaks; she was the only good part of that shitshow. Bitch told off Kelly Bensimon!



I love her for that. Kelly sucks. Anyone remember this? I'm pretty sure she's delusional.



2. Angelina and Brad visited some orphans in Jordan. Umm, does this mean they'll finally add a member of my people to their child army? Can they ditch Jordan, come to Washington, D.C.'s suburbs and pick me up instead? Kthx.

3. Kim Kardashian again talks about how much she wants a baby by the time she's 30. BITCH NO. I really fear for how large her boobs and butt will become with another person growing inside of her. I mean, look at her now:


Literally, I'm horrified.

P.S. Bitch I hate you I want your body.

+ Photo courtesy of Dlisted

Epic fail: Hollywood, youth, Mattel.

Lots of dumb news coming out of Hollywood and the media world this week. Not surprising, I suppose. Here are my fave fives:

1. Thom Yorke, Muse and the Killers are all giving songs to the "New Moon" soundtrack. Like, I'm not going to front. I'm excited for "New Moon" because I'm a pansy bitch who needs Robert Pattinson in my life. But the fact that actually good musicians (well, at least Muse) keep getting sucked into the vortex of "Twilight" films is annoying, because then that means more prepubescent screaming teens will learn about music I like and then get their upper-middle-class parents to buy tickets to concerts that I want to go to, which THEN means that those annoying children and their stupid parents will be at said shows, ruining my life. Infuriating.

2. Dude, are Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom actually getting married or not? WHAT'S THE JIG? I guess we'll see come Sunday, but part of hopes this isn't some humongous publicity stunt or something. I kind of would have expected that from Kourtney or Kim, but not the chunky other sister! I would hope she could just get love and grab onto it. You know, like any golddigger would.

3. Heather Locklear will join the CW's remake of "Melrose Place," and that hurts me. "Melrose Place" was one of the trashiest, best shows of the '90s in how primetime soap-opera-like it was, and that shit should stay in our memories.


The CW's remake seems superficial and vapid (and has Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, gross) ...


... and I mean, so was the original, but in a GOOD, groundbreaking way; this is in a rehashed, fake way. And Locklear should not be gracing it with her presence; that suggests that she approves of it. And I do not approve of that.

4. More people than ever are entering college and grad school as journalism majors. Could that stop, please? The industry is failing. People are clinging to their jobs while these kids dream of being able to "recast and remake journalism," and that's retarded. Maybe I'm just a bitter old trick, but I'm pretty sure we don't need any more competition from these young upstarts; thx.

5. Barbie is getting a live-action film. Do people not remember "Bratz: The Movie?" Ugh.



+ Photo courtesy of Yimg

Kim Kardashian, why must you vex me?

I get so frustrated whenever I see pictures of Kim Kardashian looking good and wearing amazing clothes. It's like, what? Your entire claim to fame has been starring in a sex tape. UNFAIR, universe. BAD FORM.

But yeah, she looks really good in these pictures, one from an event hosted by In Touch magazine and the other from tonight's Emmy Awards. My jealousy is overwhelming.



+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo

Ugly ducklings finding love ... novel, right?

The Kardashians frustrate me.


I really don't get how an entire family is famous because their father helped get O.J. Simpson off and one of the daughters had a sex tape with Ray-J. Like, I get that Kim Kardashian has a ginormous ass. But it's still so vexing and indicative of American society that she has a fucking TV show for those ... accomplishments, I guess?

But you know what? I'm not surprised by Khloe Kardashian dating Lamar Odom from the Lakers.


In fact, I might even be fine with it, because although I can't stand Lamar (he is in my hate-prayers for his help in beating the Orlando Magic during the NBA finals earlier this year), Khloe's kind of the pathetic ugly Kardashian sister that I don't think anyone takes seriously because they're too busy talking about Kim's work-out plan or Kourtney's upcoming lovechild. So if the beast can find love, I'm down.

Look, at least she's not famous for being a whore, like her two sisters. Zing!

+ Photos courtesy of E! Online, The Insider

Back in Black.

Been gone for a few days; sorry for the lack of posts. I'll update a few times tonight to make up for it - some of the news may be old, but this snark is red-hot. (That was lame, but consider it irony or something.)

So, firstly: I haven't really watched "America's Next Top Model" in a while (I think the last season I watched was when Danielle won, which was season six and now holy crap there have been 12 seasons, what?!), mainly because Tyra Banks is annoying (even though I still find this hilarious) and it's not like any of the girls are actually becoming famous or anything. But, regardless: So it was released last week that Lauren Conrad and Kim Kardashian are going to be guest judges on this upcoming season, which is just one of those infuriating bits of news that makes me despise the incestuous fame-whore-dom of reality television.

I understand that LC interned at Teen Vogue and People's Revolution and that Kim's family owns a boutique, but all that experience amounts to is knowing what clothes are supposed to look like. That's entirely different than knowing what models are supposed to photograph like and walk like, and really, neither LC nor Kim is famous for being an expert in fashion. They're famous for this kind of shit instead; let's be real.



and ...



YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

Yeah, nudity and cattiness! Two things this blog can't live without.