Clothez and thangz.

This week has been a pretty solid one when it comes to stupid clothes that fill my heart with joy. First there was the Screen Actors Guild Awards this past weekend, then Paris Fashion Week, then a Calvin Klein-sponsored event. Because it's snowing outside and I have nothing better to do, here are some thoughts - rapidly, so I can go back to reading my new issue of Nylon that just came in the mail.

The kids from "The Vampire Diaries" are on the cover. Meh.


Anyway, good and bad outfits, yay!

SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS

Diane Kruger: Basically, one of the best dresses I've ever seen, totally reminiscent of what Michelle Williams wore to the Oscars with Heath Ledger back in 2006. Such a pretty color, even though I'm normally anti-yellow, and she's just poised enough to pull it off.


Marion Cotillard: I don't know, she could wear a fucking Hefty bag covered in poo and I'd probably like it, so ... take that as you will.


Drew Barrymore: I don't even understand the point of this dress, and it basically just makes me think she's wearing a huge lampshade or something. But like, bluer and uglier.


PARIS FASHION WEEK

Dita Von Teese: Pulls off looking like a horrifying dominatrix. Impressive.


Amber Rose: I'm probably cursing the universe by hating the one time Amber Rose isn't inappropriately nude, but come on, if you're going to fucking wear clothes, DON'T MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE THIS.


LA ARTS MONTH RECEPTION, ORGANIZED BY CALVIN KLEIN

Kate Bosworth: Every time I see her, I want to strap her in before a plate of pasta and force her to eat some fucking carbs. This picture is no exception.


Jared Leto: Basically has been sucking from the fountain of youth, cuz the guy is pushing 40 (he's 38) and I'm pretty sure he looks hot as fuck. Like, yes, the shiny blazer is ugly, and yes, the scarf is unnecessary, AND YES, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT HE'S WEARING TOO MUCH GEL, but still. Look at that face! So delightful.


And lastly, Ali Larter and Milla Jovovich: Why has Ali Larter paired that old-lady-goes-to-a-strip-club-in-Florida outfit with clunky black boots, and why is Milla Jovovich wearing formal hot shorts with like a billion accessories and that garish Forever 21 belt? Where's my copy of Nylon? Anything has to be better to look at then this.



+ Images courtesy of FanPop, OMG! Yahoo

Dita > Michelle Tanner.

Now, there's one way to look like a crazy old lady, as done by Ashley Olsen at the Arts of Elysium gala Saturday -


- and then there's another way that makes me feel like Dita Von Teese just stopped by Michael's on her way to the event, bought a shit-ton of fake flowers cuz she thought they looked pretty and Super-Glued them on her sleeves in the car because she was bored and the drive was long and she already took care of her make-up beforehand.


That's just a guess, but I'm pretty sure it's accurate.

Oh, and also? Dita Von Teese's craziness is ALWAYS better than the Olsen twins. ALWAYS. Like, Ashley Olsen with purple lipstick? Annoying. Dita Von Teese with some cast-off from Elvira's closet? Baller. The woman used to sleep with Marilyn Manson and still survived! Bitch can do whatever she wants.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

2010, go AWAY!

So I've been away about three weeks; I figure it's time to get back to business. And because I'm stupidly masochistic, why not start with the three things that have irked me so far this weekend? OK, go!

1. Miley Cyrus announces that she's ending "Hannah Montana" after this fourth season to focus on more adult roles. What does that even mean? She's not a good actress. I don't need her polluting actual cinema. She's still a fucking child who raps on YouTube and dresses like a 12-year-old from 1986. My hopes aren't high for "The Last Song," obviously.



2. Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood get engaged. Awesome. I mean, she is the skankbag that broke up his marriage to Dita von Teese, so in a way, I'm grateful, because it means Dita now gets to date hot pieces like this, some French guy named Louis Marie de Castelbajac:


However, it also means that more videos like "Heart-Shaped Glasses" could occur, which would probably make me vomit up the fritter I just ate. Blueberry. Thank you, Amish market.



3. "Avatar" is on track to make more money than "Titanic," making it the highest-grossing film ever. Now, I didn't hate "Avatar" or anything? BUT I pretty much worship Leonardo DiCaprio, so I'm not down with this. Also, "The Dark Knight" > "Avatar," any fucking day of the week, so it's pretty lame that James Cameron will masturbate to his own success every night while thinking up stupid ideas for the "Avatar" sequel. The guy is old.


That's not a pretty picture.

However, all of these pale in comparison to this list The Wall Street Journal came up with: The 200 best and worst jobs of 2010, which ranks the professions and their starting, average and highest income levels. Where does newspaper journalist come in on the list? Yup, way down low:

184

REPORTER (NEWSPAPER)

$20,000

$35,000

$77,000

And that's behind other fantastic-sounding professions like:

156

DISHWASHER

$14,000

$17,000

$22,000

131

MAID

$15,000

$19,000

$29,000

122

VENDING MACHINE REPAIRER

$18,000

$30,000

$46,000

67

FORKLIFT OPERATOR

$20,000

$29,000

$45,000

And my personal favorite:

11

PHILOSOPHER

$33,000

$60,000

$105,000

MAN. If only I had known that a fucking degree in philosophy, one of the MOST USELESS OF MAJORS, would have served me better than four years spent learning how to write and edit, I probably would have toiled away arguing about the validity of stupid questions instead. What's the meaning of life? To never read the fucking WSJ ever again, and hence make my future as a newspaper reporter even more perilous. I'm shooting myself in the foot, but take that, Rupert Murdoch, you Australian douche!

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, MTV

Fashionz and thingz.

It's that time again, friends - weekly fashion round-up. Let's jump into it, shall we?

1. Dear Stacey Dash, you are 43. I have no words to describe your body, except for, "HOLY CRAP GET 'EM GIRL" etc.


2. Dear Whitney Port, your legs are so skinny in this picture. You also look slightly bowlegged. Should I expect some kind of sob story regarding your anatomy in an upcoming episode of "The City?" Just a thought.


3. Dear Sheree from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," you're looking pretty mannish in that floor-length dress/awkward corset thing. Like a football player. I doubt this is helping those rumors about you being an undercover woman-lover.


4. Dear Mariah Carey, you look ... like a non-crazy person here. I am proud. You left Nick Cannon at home, right?


5. Dear Eliza Dushku, please, always continue to be awesome. I never thought someone could pull off being a zombie Bonnie for Halloween, but I'm happy it was you.


6. Dear Dita, I don't really know what to say about this leather suit except to praise you and your crazy dominatrix fashion sense. So much love. So, so much.


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Stepping up on defense.

So a lot of blogs have been ragging lately on some recent outfits from Dita Von Teese and Shakira, and I've got to step up and defend two of my fave womenz.

For example, GoFugYourself crapped all over Dita's latest look:


While OMG! Yahoo both snarked about Shakira's Versace gown and her hair, which they said has "never looked more disappointing:"


Now, I may just have scarfed down too many Tylenols and bottles of Diet Coke this morning, but WTF is the issue here? Dita Von Teese is all about goofy, vaguely vintage looks, and I kind of find her head-piece charming. Plus, remember how she's not having sex with Marilyn Manson anymore? Isn't that always a plus?

And regarding Shakira - look, you naggity bitches. The woman's waist is like, 20 inches or something, and I'm pretty sure if Beyonce was wearing something like that people would be busting a nut. For example, does anyone remember this little number?


VERSACE IS MEANT TO BE WEIRD. GET WITH IT.

/End rant.

+ Photos courtersy of LaineyGossip, OMG! Yahoo, PhotoBucket

This week's gossip - jigga what?

Things that have brought me joy so far this week, and why:

1. Bryan Singer returning to the "X-Men" franchise. I'm not saying the director is fantastic or anything - in fact, since his resume contains embarrassing shit like "Valkyrie" and "Superman Returns," he's been sucking lately - but he did make "The Usual Suspects," and the first two "X-Men" movies weren't completely awful. I just hope he's not doing the sequel to "Wolverine," because dear god that movie was fucking horrendous.

2. "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" is in fact coming back to Bravo, even if the cast list hasn't been released. Regardless, VICTORY, my trend of trashy TV can continue; hopefully Teresa will come back. How could I not love a show that features a woman flipping a table at an elegant dinner party? I couldn't.



3. Miley Cyrus quits Twitter. THANK THE GODS. I'll just ignore her stupid "explanation rap" ...



... and continue dreaming of a day when that bitch is GONE, and not just from the Internet, friends. From the world.

4. Kanye West fails to show up at this weekend's BET Awards, while T.I. keeps winning awards from prison. This could mean a few things: 1. That West is in rehab/got disappeared? And 2. That T.I. is now fully a martyr for the going-to-prison cause. Probably both of those things. Lastly, how is T.I. STILL RELEASING VIDEOS?

T.I. - New Music - More Music Videos

I mean, I know Michael Jackson is still releasing singles even though he's dead, but he was as magical as a super-fantastic-mythical-unicorn. I'm sure he liked unicorns, right? They're just like little kids, I think.

5. Shakira looks hot as shit in the latest issue of i-D magazine ...



Christina Hendricks' breasts are awe-inspiring at her wedding this weekend (lame, btw) ...


and Dita von Teese continues to boost my opinions of lingerie. Sounds about right.


+ Photos courtesy of Hollywood Tuna, PopBytes, Daily Mail

Ugh, am I admitting that Marilyn Manson has good taste?

Why is Dita Von Teese all up in my business recently? It's like she's trying to tell me something. Like, whisper in my ear about how much she wants to be with me. Or at least inspire me to have lesbian affection for her. Whichever.

Here are some pictures from her new Wonderbra campaign; if they're trying to compete with Victoria's Secret, I'm fine with these tactics.


+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial

HAWT, not.

Dear Dita,

I love you. ALL of you.


Adoringly,

Me.

P.S. Britney, are those fishnets pulled out over your American Apparel shiny disco pants? You need to learn some tips from Ms. Von Teese, friend.


+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial