Rain = suxx.

Washington, D.C., and its surrounding suburbs are under some CRAZY RAIN ARMAGEDDON alert today, so basically looking outside is uber-dreary. This is the kind of day where, if I were still in college, I would ditch all my classes and hang out in my room and watch reruns of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" or something, and only brave the outside for frozen yogurt, a huge cup of Diet Dr Pepper and a veggie burger with extra relish and honey mustard. I make really gross food choices, it's true.

Today, probably cuz of all the moping around while I'm at work, has created a mixed gossip bag. See?

1. Kanye West is applying for a master's in fashion from Central Saint Martins College in London; former students there include M.I.A. and Stella McCartney, the former of whom made some crazy overpriced clothes a few years ago and the latter of whom also charges exorbitant prices but makes pretty things (I like the dress best). Anyway, so Kanye thinks he can legitimately study fashion; I refuse to believe that because he and Amber Rose created this picture together.


Isn't fashion supposed to be art? And aren't photos then considered art? CLEARLY KANYE CANNOT CREATE ART. So awful.

2. Bonne Bell is making lip balms flavored like Skittles. Because THAT'S not gross. So many pharmacy makeup brands' products smell and taste like ass anyway because of their cheap quality, so that waxy nastiness coupled with the overwhelmingly fake fruity flavors of Skittles makes me super-nauseated. Although, I have to say that Skittles commercials are some of the best, especially when they involve singing rabbits and weird candy superpowers.





3. Phil Collins is retiring from music due to health problems, mainly negative effects from his years of playing drums. Definitely a loss, mainly because a. he's awesome and b. he basically gave us the funniest moment in "The Hangover". "The Hangover 2" is coming out in a few months, which gives me joy for this year's shitty movies so far.



4. In a moment that reminds me of my boyfriend, Joel Madden yelled at wife Nicole Richie on Twitter for spending $3,000 in pillows. My boyfriend will UNDOUBTEDLY be offended that I compared him to Joel Madden (even though I TOTALLY STILL love Good Charlotte), but I'm pretty sure if I spent $3K on pillows he would dump me on pure principle. I mean, they're fucking pillows. There is no need to spend thousands.

5. And in a move that I actually respect for its sheer trashiness, Christina Aguilera, fresh off her arrest for being drunk and crazy, returned to the same place where she got drunk ... and got drunk again. That's a hot mess I can respect. I love this quote from the OMG! Yahoo story: "When it was time to leave, "She seemed tipsy," the observer notes." Wouldn't you be tipsy if you were XXXTina? "Burlesque" tanked, no one cares about her new music, and I still laugh about how she messed up the National Anthem. Drink to forget, people.

+ Photo courtesy of HipHop.Popcrunch.com

Blergh.

A rapid rundown of things you should know about today:

1. I reviewed "Drive Angry" in 3-D, which came out last week and was pretty terrible. Why Nicolas Cage, why? How are you still bankrupt? Oh right because your most recent film was "Season of the Witch," which sucked a huge one but somehow made a profit. Because people are dumb. Really, really dumb.

2. SO DUMB, IN FACT, that George Lucas is going to release "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3-D in 2012. What have we done as a people to deserve such terribleness? Baz Luhrmann shooting "The Great Gatsby" in 3-D wasn't enough, we now have to suffer the terror of Jar-Jar swinging his dopiness around all screen, REALLY CLOSE to my face? Great. Thanks George Lucas. I hope Skywalker Ranch erupts into Waco-like flames.

3. Lastly, my favorite part of today came when Mos Def called out Usher's and Justin Bieber's weird, vaguely incestuous, kind of creepy mentorship relationship with this perfect tweet: "I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher." Classy, sir. Classy. It's like this one time my boyfriend showed me a video of Mos Def being all sketchy and high at a record store.



How can you NOT love him? I imagine him and James Franco hanging out all the time, mimicking the high faces Franco made during the Oscars this weekend. So. Fucking. High.

+ EDIT: The boyfriend informs me this can't be Mos Def's real Twitter account, because a. Mos Def is often too high to understand how to use a computer and b. probably can't "type relatively coherent sentences." Fine - but whoever is posing as Mos Def is also hilarious.

My closet, and bookcase, won't ever stop growing.

Just found a new way to transform my nerdy love of books with my pathetic love of passion: Out of Print. The company makes T-shirts with classic book covers on them, and then for each shirt you buy, they contribute part of that cost to sending a book to an underprivileged area or community. Kind of like TOMS Shoes, but like, with tops and books I adore.

I already have these on my must-buy list:

The Catcher in the Rye, $28


On the Road, $28


Of Mice and Men, $28


A Streetcar Named Desire, $28


Brave New World, $28

And I haven't read this yet, but my boyfriend is a fan, and I was kind of surprised they had it:

The Master and Margarita, $28

Now, if they only had "The Great Gatsby," my life would be complete. Maybe they'd take requests?!

+ Photos courtesy of Out of Print

NEVER LETTING GO. EVER.

So I made my boyfriend watch "The Departed" for the first time last night, and he didn't like it. We already argued over why he couldn't get down with what I consider one of Martin Scorsese's best works, but whatever. No matter. All I'm currently concerned with is the depths of Leonardo DiCaprio's hotness, which I saw in "Shutter Island" Thursday night and all over the Internet recently.

Exhibit A: Leo looking dapper at the NY premiere of "Shutter Island." I'm liking the tan. I'll overlook the bloat. Don't care, I can sympathize!


Exhibit B: So gracious when interacting with Scorsese at the Giorgio Armani event honoring the director! So polite! So charming! I'm a big fan of manners. And being caressed lovingly by the former Jack Dawson.


Exhibit C: At the Berlin Film Festival, is that a sly smile, hinting at some kind of secret that only we would share? Erotic.


P.S. Uhhh, why was Robert Buckley from "One Tree Hill" at the NY premiere of "Shutter Island?" I don't understand. If someone as un-famous as him is getting invited to these events, WHY CAN'T I? Fuck your velvet rope!


P.S.S. Is the jacket Ben Kingsley wore to the Berlin Film Festival ... sequined at the bottom? Only such an awesome man could pull that shit off.


+ Photos by Yahoo! Movies

Vogue fails again.

So Jessica Biel is February's cover for Vogue. And my reaction is a solid "WTF?"


My boyfriend is all about Jessica Biel; he probably would have sex with her any situation, ever. But this is VOGUE. Last time I checked, you had to be vaguely relevant, or doing some kind of timely project, or, well, ANYTHING, to be on its cover. Yet the only thing Jessica Biel has lined up is a role in the ensemble "Valentine's Day," which looks pretty horrible -



- and the part of Bradley Cooper's love interest in "The A-Team," which doesn't come out for a few months. Oh, and she's dating Justin Timberlake. Right, cuz that matters - I mean, I would kill to date that hot piece. But like, so what? Is being someone's arm candy really enough to be the cover of the most powerful fashion magazine in the world?

Plus, the WHOLE FUCKING STORY is about like, 'Ooh, Jessica Biel is ABOUT to make it big.' Really? Cuz she's been in the industry for like a decade and still not broken into the upper echelon. I really don't give a fuck how normal she is, because she should be: She hasn't done anything popular enough yet to justify becoming an uppity bitch. So ... yeahhhh ... Meh.





And, lastly, I think the photos are ugly. She seems unhealthy, like she's lost of weight lately, something the article mentions but then doesn't follow up on (yay, journalism!). Bleh. Fail, Anna Wintour. FAIL.

+ Photos courtesy of Vogue

Ugh, Tiger Woods!

My boyfriend refuses to talk to me about the Tiger Woods drama, mainly because he thinks it's getting covered by far too many outlets and is annoying, stupid, overblown, etc. I can understand all that, especially because this headline:

"Tiger ma furious at her cub,"

is SO FUCKING AWFUL. Fuck you, New York Post. Bad puns are why journalism is failing.

Um, AWESOME.

New trailer for "The Wolfman" is out.



Thanks for telling me about it, boyfriend.

Maybe that Faith spin-off should have happened.

Here's how my boyfriend aptly described this picture:

"pretty sure eliza dushku is the queen of 'yo i want some dick in me now plz' faces."


You know ... I kind of got to agree. Bitch is fine; knows it; would steal your man in a heartbeat. Does anyone remember how she took Xander's virginity when he was still reeling from the break-up with Cordelia and maybe-in-love with Willow? Um, CUZ I DO.


She'll rip out your fucking heart, dude, and she'll look hot as fuck while doing it.

+ Photo courtesy Celebphotos, EchoNYC

Nerdiness + hipsterness = poetry.

The other night on Jeopardy, the Final Jeopardy category was Poets, right, and then the question was about the American author who wrote the longest poem ever, and the two runners-up both guessed Walt Whitman, whereas the guy who is currently on a winning spree right now - this righteous black dude named Terry, who my boyfriend dislikes because of his cockiness, but whatever - correctly answered T.S. Eliot.


The Wasteland, bitches. Read it.

But anyway, the incorrect answers of "Whitman" reminded me that Levi's is using his poem "Pioneers! O Pioneers!" in their latest line of ads, and I could not love them more.



I don't know what the jig is, or whether the hipster in me has just been acting up more than usual lately, but I adore when they come on TV. Using vaguely homoerotic poems to sell overpriced denim? Sure, sounds good to me.

+ Photo courtesy of Clemson

Will the real Slim Shady PLEASE REAPPEAR?

I'm pretty embarrassed by my attraction to Drake - it's ONLY A LITTLE BIT, OK? - but I have no problems with admitting that he's a pretty awful rapper. For example, his song "Forever" with Kanye, Lil Wayne and Eminem is not, at all, good.

Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem - New Music - More Music Videos

I mean, I'm definitely sure that Malcolm X would crawl out of the grave and beat Drake to death for comparing the two. "Labels want my name beside the X like Malcolm" - that shit is NOT ALRIGHT. The kid needs to learn some respect.

But lastly, the only thing this song really has going for it is the verse from Eminem - which, as my boyfriend pointed out last week, sounds like vintage, angry, white-trash Eminem, not the faux-Jamaican-accented lame-o who raps about Kim Kardashian.

Just go to 4:56 in the song, that's all you need from this LeBron James-helmed shitshow. Or watch the YouTube clip below that's just Em's verse. Whichever.

An "ugh" roundup.

Many things have happened this past week that have effectively scrambled my brain. Some quick examples:

1. The fact that I can see Tyler Momsen's butt-curve through her skirt.


Wearing something so high up your waist that the world SEES YOUR ASS is probably not a good idea, especially when you're 16. Flagrantly showing off your ladyparts only works best for people like ...

2. Rihanna, who showed the world her nipples and vagina in this dress.


Look hard, you'll see her shaved nothingness. That's basically what I did (you know, after my boyfriend gleefully pointed it out).

3. Scarlett Johansson telling Glamour magazine that she doesn't try to be sexy: ""I don't think about being sexy, being seductive. What you don't want to see is somebody trying to be sexy. That's the most unsexy thing."

I DESPISE celebrities who give the old, "Who do you think is sexy? Oh, me!? You shouldn't have!" bullshit. If you are a female and happen to be popular, chances are that you've CONSCIOUSLY done something along the way to amp up your attractiveness. Based on how often Scarlett bumps up her titties ...



... I'm going to have stick by my theory.

4. Mischa Barton looking like a cracked-out, neo-Goth ho.


The look on the face of the guy talking on his cell phone in the mid-background says it all, honestly.

5. OMG! Yahoo putting RZA on one of their worst-dressed lists, and commenting, "Last time we checked, there weren't any documents indicating that Wu-Tang's RZA had ever served in the military."


Dude, it's RZA. He does WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. Why would anyone question that?

+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial, OMG! Yahoo, GiantMag

Getting gifts is nice, but candy and STDs are better.

Halloween is the best holiday of all, and I'll admit the reason we're all thinking: Because girls can act like humongous sluts with no consequences. To quote Dave Chappelle, we're talking about whore's uniforms - and the uppityness that comes with it.

Basically, Halloween means that girls dress like skanks; I laugh at them; secretly want my own slutty get-ups; the cycle of life continues. Here are some costumes that I really would consider getting if they weren't expensive as fuck, and come on, Halloween get-ups are not a sound investment. You're not going to wear this shit again for a year. Not even I, obsessive-compulsive spender, can justify that. I'll just adore from afar.

1. Some bootleg Princess Jasmine shit.

Leg Avenue Arabian Princess Costume, $52.99

2. Some bootleg Jessica Rabbit shit.

Hollywood Starlet Adult Costume, $82.99

3. Viking mythology? Really? Yes, really.

Viking Valkyrie Costume, $39.99

4. Star Trek. STFU.

Star Trek Deluxe Dress, $54.99

Yet, before I wrap this up, one last thought. Target also has three "Miami Ink" costumes (see them here) - which are not only stupid because they are officially licensed, but also because they seem eerily like Kat Von D ... who parted with "Miami Ink" pretty shittily before getting her own show, "L.A. Ink." So it all seems vaguely hypocritical of the people behind "Miami Ink" to officially license costumes that look like her when they essentially kicked her off the show for not getting along with Ami James (nasty, by the way).

BUT ANYWAY, my boyfriend recently informed me that there's a new porn coming out based on the show called "L.A. Pink." Disgusting? Yes. Also suggestive of many skeezy boyfriends buying their ladyfriends these costumes in an attempt to get them to recreate scenes from said porn? Probably.

+ Photos courtesy of Candyland, Buy Costumes

Katie Couric is on VERY THIN ICE.

Basically, if the world could stop sucking Katie Couric's dick, I'd probably be a much happier, well-rested, less-perpetually-furious person.

Why? Well, maybe it's because she's fucking awful as an evening news host. Maybe it's because she just gets handed assignments, like this monthly column in Glamour magazine that will start next month. Maybe it's because her awful lesbian haircut angers me.


Or possibly, just possibly, it could be because her yearly salary of $15 fucking MILLION DOLLARS is more than than the entire annual budgets of NPR’s "Morning Edition" and "All Things Considered" COMBINED, as this article in Columbia Journalism Review notes. Yes, that means together. As in, one woman makes more than two legitimate radio shows that reach millions of people and do the journalistic world a lot of better good than the woman who interviewed Lil Wayne and talked to him about his "tats" and "tude."



... Yeah. Fuck that shit. Entirely.

The only good thing Katie Couric has ever done wasn't even her. It was Auto-Tune the News, using her voice, which my boyfriend showed me over the summer and which has become a daily rotation on my YouTube schedule. Very thin ice, indeed.



+ Photo courtesy of Wowowow

VMAs - Donezo.

This year's VMAs are over; basically if you didn't watch you missed them hand out like eight awards total and then a bunch of OK-but-not-spectacular performances. Oh well.

Here are my last thoughts: Shakira and Pink both look pretty good.



And, as my boyfriend pointed out, both wearing the same dress. I hope that's why they're giggling here and they're not secretly wishing the other death or something.


Although, if they had the same stylist who gave them each the same dress, that shit would suck hard.

Until next year, then!

Trademark names and plurals, you are infuriating.

I feel like my boyfriend often knows a lot more random facts about the world at large than I do, so whenever he points out something bizarre and somewhat peculiar, I'm not that shocked. Annoyed, but not necessarily surprised. And when he told me about a year ago that the proper plural of many Lego pieces is not "Legos" but in fact "Lego blocks," I was somewhat taken aback. Like, what? I thought with plurals you just added an "s" to the end of the noun and were done with it. BUT NO. Apparently not.

Anyway, these new things from Urban decorated with "Lego blocks" - ahem, even though they incorrectly referred to them as "LEGOS" - reminded me of that whole shitshow of a conversation. And reminded me that I need a digital camera and new headphones for my mp3 player. Shit! Where's my Ayrab money?

Lego Camera, $68

Lego MP3 Player, $54

Lego Walkie Talkie Set, $28

P.S. I love that Lego itself refers to them as "LEGO elements." How charmingly douchey.

+ Photos courtesy of Urban Outfitters

DS9 = totally the best version of Star Trek. Oh, and introducing a new face to the game.

I'm gonna try out this thing where I post things my boyfriend says. Because usually he's funnier than me. I've tried to deny it for years, but goddammit, it's true!

So, here we go. Below, Tyra Banks unveiling her real hair on her show today:



And his thoughts:

Adam: also, did you see that tyra banks' real hair bullshit?

where she didnt wear a weave for once on her show to show that she's "real" and just as beautiful without her crazy weaves, etc.

TOO BAD HER POINT IS NULLIFIED

BY THE FACT THAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING KLINGON

I have to admit, there's a lot of forehead happening. Like ... a lot.


Also, I promise I don't know any Klingon. I SWEAR. It's too hard, OK? Look at this shit. I don't think I can even make these sounds.

+ Photo courtesy of Wired

All women who have babies should then be fat.

A conversation in texts, about this latest nude development:

Me: Did you see milla's all nude pics? Dear god IMPRESSIVE

The boyfriend: Psh of course i did. Those puffy nips and tight lil booty. She so fine

Me: Srsly. BITCH, esp cuz she popped out a demon spawn recently

AND ... scene!

No, but really. Those kind of bodies after labor SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED. Fuck you, genetics.