I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

My last rage-fueled post ... at least for a couple of hours.

I have moments where I really, really like Lil Wayne, and more moments where I really, really like Eminem; he reminds me of a simpler time, like before it was 2010. This music video for "Drop the World" is a pretty solid demonstration of that breakdown.



Angry Eminem? Great. But this video is also filled with angry skater punks who seem more well-suited to a Rise Against video, and since this is Lil Wayne's track, I'm going to hazard a guess and say he thought such a group of hipster-ish youngsters would fit better with that whole him-becoming-a-rock-star thing. Negative, sir. Tim McIlrath wants his concept back.

P.S. He is more attractive than both of you. Enjoy your time in prison, Weezy.

Nicki Minaj, you are like Lil Kim's trashier doppelganger.

Also, in my sleep-lacking haze, I've decided that Nicki Minaj is doing more for setting women back than like, actual misogynists.

Evidence:



Yup, she did just say her flow is "tighter than a dick in the butt" and that she "never let a D-boy boink for free."Oh, and she also said she's Muslim. I'm sorry, what? On behalf of my people, I vote we kick her out. We're good without epic slorebags, thanks.

UGH, to the tune of a round-up.

When it rains, kids, it pours fucking stupid, retarded news that makes me want to take a wrench to the world's head. Ummm, yeah, that much anger. Believe me.

So here are today's most angst-causing news items:

1. Fashion designer Lee Alexander McQueen kills himself. I don't like explaining suicides, because I don't think they make sense, but you can Google around and try to figure out why he took his life. I don't know what to say, really; he was amazingly talented and great at making insane high-fashion shit, the kind that my boyfriend hates. Like this:


And those shoes that Lady Gaga brought mainstream attention to by wearing in the video for "Bad Romance:"


SO yeah, depressing.

2. Rihanna releases her video for "Rude Boy."



The song is kind of annoying and the video doesn't really go anywhere. If I wanted to watch someone shake their butt against a backdrop of annoying colors, I'd just watch the video for "Video Phone."

Also, I similarly don't enjoy these pictures from the video Alicia Keys and Beyonce are shooting for "Put It In a Love Song" down in Rio de Janeiro.



Nothing they are wearing is flattering. At all.

3. Big shocker, Americans don't understand serving sizes. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this warrants a full story by the New York Times. As a country, we're obese and too lazy to read - and follow - serving sizes and portion control. We eat shit like this, come on.


I'm guilty of that too - thankfully, NOT of eating the Craz-E Burger - but like ... how much does the U.S. government really need to dumb shit down for people? Just read the back of the fucking box. Done.

4. Tom Cruise inks deal for "Mission Impossible 4." Who keeps commissioning these films? Like, I understand that the third one made double its budget, but it was AWFUL. I guess I'm just really sick of Tom Cruise's SO SERIOUS face.


I think he looks constipated. You agree, don't lie.

5. Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges gets delayed because he has to have emergency surgery on his tooth. I'm sorry, what? I would love to get out of shit and blame it on my grill.


No, really, I would love to just HAVE Lil Wayne's diamond-crusted teeth. Imagine how much that shit could go for on the black hoodrat market. Umm, that wasn't racist.

6. More proof that home-schooling is a bad idea: Horrible father locks his daughter in the bathroom for months because she failed a test and supposedly stole food. I really do think most people should be executed.

7. Taylor Swift slams down a cool $2 million on a swanky penthouse in Nashville. I don't hate the girl, but fuck that shit. Look at this interior.


This is NOT OK. I could write songs about high school! My experiences were lame, too! SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY.

8. And lastly, Vanessa Hudgens and I have the same shoes.


Does that mean we can share Zac Efron? That'd be great, kthx.

+ Photos courtesy of Oodora, OMG! Yahoo, New York Daily News, Scrape TV, Starpulse

Fuck that Auto-Tune, cuz it's on.

You know what I love about America? That Lil Wayne, who is going to jail in about a month, is still putting out music videos, like this one for "On Fire" -

Lil Wayne - Sucker Free - MTV Shows

- and this one for "Bed Rock," which is really by Young Money, a group of rappers associated with Lil Wayne and his record label, but still. He's in it, surrounded by women. Is there any other way?



But yeah, this kind of pop culture freedom is probably why the Middle East hates us. And like, who can blame them? Kanye West still exists.



Gross. I'm just going to go watch "On to the Next One" on repeat.

Jay-Z - Sucker Free - MTV Shows

I know, Jay-Z's kind of an asshole and "Empire State of Mind" lost its charm pretty rapidly and definitely did not deserve to be No. 2 on Rolling Stone's list of best 25 songs of 2009. But I'm a sucker for Hova. What can I say? Hypocrisy for me is a good life choice.

Another rapper goes off to jail.

Dear Weezy,


I hear you are going to prison. I will miss you.

However, can I expect a remix entitled Mrs. Parole Officer? Because while that song was awful, I could be down with a totally new version.

P.S. Will you be getting any prison tats? Do you have any more space left on your body? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

+ Photo courtesy Phoenix New Times

I got my nut; I'm out.

So ... does Lil Wayne just not believe in condoms? Not carry them with him? Think they cramp his style? Get high and forget to wear them?


WHAT IS THE REASON that this man is now having his third child in less than a year?

Yup, that's right, kids. Lil Wayne has bitches popping out babies left and right:

1. Daughter Reginae with former wife Toya Johnson when he was 15.


2. A son, Dwayne III, with some woman on Oct. 28, 2008, whose name Weezy has never released to the media.

3. Son Lennox Samuel Ari (WTF LIL WAYNE YOU ARE NOT JEWISH WHAT IS THAT NAME) with "actress" Lauren London (she was in "ATL," and that's about it) on Sept. 9, 2009.


4. And now, he's expecting a kid with singer Nivea. Yes, like the skincare lotion.


I mean, he has a shitton of money, so sure, he can support them. But like ... how hard is it to wrap it up? Or maybe he could develop his own condom line. MOST HOOD IDEA EVER.

+ Photos courtesy of Weblo, Blogs to Die For

Katie Couric is on VERY THIN ICE.

Basically, if the world could stop sucking Katie Couric's dick, I'd probably be a much happier, well-rested, less-perpetually-furious person.

Why? Well, maybe it's because she's fucking awful as an evening news host. Maybe it's because she just gets handed assignments, like this monthly column in Glamour magazine that will start next month. Maybe it's because her awful lesbian haircut angers me.


Or possibly, just possibly, it could be because her yearly salary of $15 fucking MILLION DOLLARS is more than than the entire annual budgets of NPR’s "Morning Edition" and "All Things Considered" COMBINED, as this article in Columbia Journalism Review notes. Yes, that means together. As in, one woman makes more than two legitimate radio shows that reach millions of people and do the journalistic world a lot of better good than the woman who interviewed Lil Wayne and talked to him about his "tats" and "tude."



... Yeah. Fuck that shit. Entirely.

The only good thing Katie Couric has ever done wasn't even her. It was Auto-Tune the News, using her voice, which my boyfriend showed me over the summer and which has become a daily rotation on my YouTube schedule. Very thin ice, indeed.



+ Photo courtesy of Wowowow

I'm used to promethazine, in two cups, I'm screwed up.

I really, really hope that Lil Wayne has sizzurp in this cup.


Like, THIS kind of sizzurp.

The Sizzurp Girls Tee, $28

Love it.

Hate this, though. This is the kind of shit that happens when M.I.A. gets too popular for her own good.

The Swagga Girls Shirt, $18.90

+ Photos courtesy of Newsweek, Karmaloop