So, about that ...

Things that should be vaguely offensive:

Rihanna in blackface,



and Beyonce mimicking 1950s white culture.



And I don't mean that because like, OH NO, A BLACK WOMAN CAN'T CREATE ALLUSIONS TO MARILYN MONROE, but more like, what? Where is this fascination of hers with Bettie Page and and Monroe coming from all of a sudden? I just don't get it.

Or maybe I'm too cracked out to form coherent thoughts. Sleep, come to me! Seriously, I want that.

P.S. I must add that I find it seriously creepy to see Rihanna all dolled up in pleather and BDSM-themed gear, and then see her dressed like Slash a few seconds later. What? You're telling me that Def Jam could call up Travis Barker and have him randomly appear in this video, but not actually have the guitarist featured on the damn song show up? Bad form, people.

I'm not clear what this video says about "the war on terror."

OK, so everyone is going apeshit over the remake of Lady Gaga's "Telephone" done by U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The Washington Post wrote an essay about it; the clip has more than 1 million hits on YouTube. It's funny and everything, and I guess it kind of humanizes all the soldiers I imagine are over there hating their lives and killing my people, but ...



... does anyone else think the guy that impersonates Beyonce is totally the best? Because I do. I thoroughly enjoy really hood guys pretending to be women. Maybe that's why I'm obsessed with "RuPaul's Drag Race," especially contestant Raven from season two:


It's just SO BAD that it's great. And I'm really amazed by their tuckgame. How do you make a penis BASICALLY DISAPPEAR? My mind is boggled.

+ Photos courtesy of LogoTV, Sick Biscuit

Back, judgmental, etc.

Breaking my two-week hiatus. You wept while I was away, I know. Don't fret! I'm back! (I'm not wearing black. That would have been too easy.)

Anyway, personally for me, little has changed in these past two weeks; plus, you don't read this blog for my real life, anyway. You just want the snark, and I - being a woman of the people - am about to hit you up. Here, get at it:

1. So Rihanna is going on tour this summer with Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj as her openers. I don't know, I would probably want to see Rihanna live. She has been known to cover M.I.A. - wicked off-key, but still - and I could be down for seeing that:



But like, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj are just such hot messes. One of my friends noted today that Minaj isn't really curvy, she's just kind of fat ... and, yeah. Her bottom-heavyness is impressive.


And Ke$ha is shockingly gross, soo ...


I might pass on all that. Also, I would put money on the fact that Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj have some nasty communicable diseases that could somehow travel through rows of seats and reach me wherever I am, and I'm cool with being healthy. Really, I'm

2. Plus, I have this feeling that one of them, either Rihanna or Ke$ha or Nicki, would wear this. Or one of them would wear it and then they would swap the leggings during the course of the tour.

Thrash Leggings by Tripp NYC, $50

SO TRASHY. I'm beginning to gross myself out. I'll stop.

3. See, the only trashiness I can truly enjoy is the kind offered up by Bravo - and the fact that "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts its second season in a few weeks on May 3. So. Fucking. Excited.



If another table is flipped in public, my life will be fucking complete.

4. And finally, I was pretty bummed that yet again, for another year, Coachella happened and I was not there. I kind of hate festivals - they always seem smelly and icky and like you never have a real relationship or connection with the artist, just with the douche next to you - but I don't know, this year's lineup looked kind of good. Nevertheless, I'm TOTALLY OK with the fact that I therefore missed Jay-Z performing "Young Forever" with Beyonce instead of Mr. Hudson.



Downgrade from this, definitely. Also, did Beyonce borrow those coochie-cutters from Miley Cyrus? My god, woman, you have enough money to invest in some fucking pants.

+ Photos courtesy of The Guardian, Idolator, Karmaloop

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

UGH, to the tune of a round-up.

When it rains, kids, it pours fucking stupid, retarded news that makes me want to take a wrench to the world's head. Ummm, yeah, that much anger. Believe me.

So here are today's most angst-causing news items:

1. Fashion designer Lee Alexander McQueen kills himself. I don't like explaining suicides, because I don't think they make sense, but you can Google around and try to figure out why he took his life. I don't know what to say, really; he was amazingly talented and great at making insane high-fashion shit, the kind that my boyfriend hates. Like this:


And those shoes that Lady Gaga brought mainstream attention to by wearing in the video for "Bad Romance:"


SO yeah, depressing.

2. Rihanna releases her video for "Rude Boy."



The song is kind of annoying and the video doesn't really go anywhere. If I wanted to watch someone shake their butt against a backdrop of annoying colors, I'd just watch the video for "Video Phone."

Also, I similarly don't enjoy these pictures from the video Alicia Keys and Beyonce are shooting for "Put It In a Love Song" down in Rio de Janeiro.



Nothing they are wearing is flattering. At all.

3. Big shocker, Americans don't understand serving sizes. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this warrants a full story by the New York Times. As a country, we're obese and too lazy to read - and follow - serving sizes and portion control. We eat shit like this, come on.


I'm guilty of that too - thankfully, NOT of eating the Craz-E Burger - but like ... how much does the U.S. government really need to dumb shit down for people? Just read the back of the fucking box. Done.

4. Tom Cruise inks deal for "Mission Impossible 4." Who keeps commissioning these films? Like, I understand that the third one made double its budget, but it was AWFUL. I guess I'm just really sick of Tom Cruise's SO SERIOUS face.


I think he looks constipated. You agree, don't lie.

5. Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges gets delayed because he has to have emergency surgery on his tooth. I'm sorry, what? I would love to get out of shit and blame it on my grill.


No, really, I would love to just HAVE Lil Wayne's diamond-crusted teeth. Imagine how much that shit could go for on the black hoodrat market. Umm, that wasn't racist.

6. More proof that home-schooling is a bad idea: Horrible father locks his daughter in the bathroom for months because she failed a test and supposedly stole food. I really do think most people should be executed.

7. Taylor Swift slams down a cool $2 million on a swanky penthouse in Nashville. I don't hate the girl, but fuck that shit. Look at this interior.


This is NOT OK. I could write songs about high school! My experiences were lame, too! SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY.

8. And lastly, Vanessa Hudgens and I have the same shoes.


Does that mean we can share Zac Efron? That'd be great, kthx.

+ Photos courtesy of Oodora, OMG! Yahoo, New York Daily News, Scrape TV, Starpulse

Some newz, some thangz.

So because I've spent four hours so far at work today doing absolutely nothing, it's time for a daily news round-up. Mainly so I don't get bored enough to start playing with fire or something.

1. Iran moves to ban allowing women to wear make-up during television broadcasts. You know, cuz lipgloss is really what's holding Iran back from worldwide domination. Ugh, religion is the WORST. Way to make me embarrassed for my country, clerics.

2. Grammy nods are out: Beyonce has 10 nominations ...

P.S. Though I am using this picture from "Video Phone," I find the "Reservoir Dogs"-referencing intro offensive to people that actually like "Reservoir Dogs." That is all.

... Taylor Swift has eight, some other people have some other ones. I just really don't care about the Grammys anymore - does anyone? They seem like the latest awards show in terms of recognizing what's hip/trendy/being listened to, and if you look at the full nominee list, you'll see what I'm talking about. Basically, YAWN.

3. The Washington Post wrote this feature about this British artist, Willard Wigan, who makes sculptures so tiny they can fit in the eye of a needle - like, literally.


Probably one of the most interesting arts stories I've read in a while, AND, the pictures are pretty. That's essentially all the mental stimulation I need.

4. ABC nixes yet another performance from the hip-thrustingly-gay Adam Lambert in fears that he'll recreate the male-orgy that was his performance at the American Music Awards recently. Is this really necessary? ABC is the same channel that showed "The Drew Carey Show" for years on end. I'm pretty sure Carey's COMPLETE UNFUNINESS is way more offensive to people than some homoeroticism. Or maybe I'm just underestimating the bigotry in America. Whichever.

5. Kristin from "The Hills" admits that her maybe-relationship with Justin Bobby wasn't "romantic."


How is that even possible? He drove to Las Vegas for her! Oh contrived reality television shows. You make me happy.

+ Photos courtesy of Blogspot, Wordpress, MTV

Stepping up on defense.

So a lot of blogs have been ragging lately on some recent outfits from Dita Von Teese and Shakira, and I've got to step up and defend two of my fave womenz.

For example, GoFugYourself crapped all over Dita's latest look:


While OMG! Yahoo both snarked about Shakira's Versace gown and her hair, which they said has "never looked more disappointing:"


Now, I may just have scarfed down too many Tylenols and bottles of Diet Coke this morning, but WTF is the issue here? Dita Von Teese is all about goofy, vaguely vintage looks, and I kind of find her head-piece charming. Plus, remember how she's not having sex with Marilyn Manson anymore? Isn't that always a plus?

And regarding Shakira - look, you naggity bitches. The woman's waist is like, 20 inches or something, and I'm pretty sure if Beyonce was wearing something like that people would be busting a nut. For example, does anyone remember this little number?


VERSACE IS MEANT TO BE WEIRD. GET WITH IT.

/End rant.

+ Photos courtersy of LaineyGossip, OMG! Yahoo, PhotoBucket

VMAs - Jimmy Fallon, Video of the Year

OH GOD Russell Brand just called Jimmy Fallon "our generation's David Letterman." I literally want to kill myself. Pretty sure David Letterman has had a show for years and doesn't SUCK. Sure, I'd sleep with Fallon and not Letterman. But like, that's not saying much.

Also, they just presented Video of the Year to Beyonce for "Single Ladies." Wholly unsurprising, and given the other contestants, vaguely deserved. AND she just invited Taylor Swift onstage to "have her moment." Classier than I expected, actually.

MTV Shows

P.S. They just cut to Lady Gaga who is wearing a WREATH MADE OF HAY AROUND HER FACE.


Dude, there are no more words. Really, just none.

+ Photo courtesy of MTV

VMAs - Best Female Video

Taylor Swift for "You Belong with Me," over Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face?" Dear god this night is already becoming a shitshow.

P.S. Why the fuck is Kanye West onstage? And why is he interrupting Taylor Swift to say that Beyonce had "one of the best videos of all time?" That is SO FUCKED UP. Kanye, I'm fine with you defending yourself. But you shouldn't defend other people that have nothing to do with you. OMG They just cut to a pre-taped clip of Tracy Morgan and are ushering Taylor Swift offstage. Hahahahaha.

P.S. Here's a clip from MTV. See the douchery for yourself.

MTV Shows

What you know about that?

The MTV VMA nominations came out Tuesday, and as always, they're annoying and stupid and wildly out-of-touch. Oh, and this year, MTV blew Lady Gaga's maybe-penis (fast-forward to 55 seconds and figure out for yourself what that crotch flash is actually baring), nominating her and Beyonce for nine categories each. They lead the pack; Britney has seven; Coldplay/Kanye/Eminem have four.

It's going to be hard to guess what happens this year, because fans will determine all of the winners, and these are the same people that gave Tokio Hotel the Best New Artist award last year. Seriously, the stupidest people own computers.

But here's my breakdown on what I consider either the most important categories or the ones with the jankiest nominations, because no one cares about special effects, editing or cinematography anyway. Don't front like you give a shit. These are music videos. It's not like we're judging classic films like "Gone with the Wind" or "There Will Be Blood" or anything.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Britney Spears, "Womanizer;" Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

She wears far too many pairs of those shiny pantyhose that fifth-graders threw out before entering middle school in order to save face and that automatically look like Spanx (and probably are), but when compared to Eminem, Lady Gaga, Britney and Kanye, Beyonce's the clear winner. Gaga is all shtick, Eminem is an awful caricature of his former self, Britney's "Womanizer" isn't nearly as good as "Circus" and "Love Lockdown" mostly just focuses on Kanye lying on his couch. So to Jay-Z's wife should go the spoils, especially if you consider that the song pretty much sparked a pop culture-via-YouTube revolution.

BEST NEW ARTIST: Lady Gaga, "Poker Face"
OTHER NOMINEES: 3OH!3, "Don't Trust Me;" Drake, "Best I Ever Had;" Kid Cudi, "Day 'n' Nite;" Asher Roth, "I Love College"

I have an extremely hard time laying the crown upon this Jersey troll's head, mainly because if either Drake, Kid Cudi or Asher Roth showed up on my doorstep trying to eat some caramels, I would be down. But each of them has really only had a couple of singles to their name, while Gaga had "Just Dance," "Poker Face," "LoveGame," "Paparazzi" and so forth. And, 3OH!3 is probably one of the most offensive groups to ever get airplay on MTV, so fuck those guys.

BEST POP VIDEO: Britney Spears, "Womanizer"
OTHER NOMINEES: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It);" Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester, "Good Girls Go Bad;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Wisin & Yandel, "Abusadora"

Although this pains me because Britney totally didn't deserve Video of the Year, Best Female Video or Best Pop Video Moonmen last year for "Piece of Me," I'm going to swing this her way because Beyonce will probably sweep everything else, "Poker Face" isn't Gaga's best video, Cobra Starship sucks and ain't cute and I've never heard of Wisin & Yandel before. Wikipedia tells me they are a "Puerto Rican Grammy and Latin Grammy award-winning reggaeton recording duo." Great, still don't care.

BEST ROCK VIDEO: Coldplay, "Viva la Vida"
OTHER NOMINEES: Fall Out Boy, "I Don't Care;" Green Day, "21 Guns;" Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody;" Paramore, "Decode"

Fall Out Boy hasn't been good since Pete Wentz showed his peen on the Internet, and though Paramore is one of my guiltiest girl-rock pleasures, "Decode" is as uninspired as the entire "Twilight" series it was written for. I won't even discuss Green Day because their lack of knowing more chords than three depresses me; as a result, it comes down to the foxiness of Caleb Followill and how he drawl/shrieks the word "somebody" and the lovely, glittery, vaguely generic package that is Coldplay. I'm going with the latter.

BEST HIP-HOP VIDEO: Jay-Z, "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Flo Rida feat. Kesha, "Right Round;" Asher Roth, "I Love College;" Kanye West, "Love Lockdown"

It's fucking lame that Jay-Z would write a whole song about hating Auto-Tune and trash-talk T-Pain in it, but not have enough balls to call out Kanye, who made an entire frustratingly monotonous album with the robotic tool. But I guess masters never attack their grasshoppers or something. Anyway, there shouldn't be a contest here - when compared to Eminem, Asher Roth, Kanye and Flo Rida (why the fuck is "Right Round" considered hip-hop? Hip-hop and rap should be different categories), Hova deserves victory.

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO: ??
NOMINEES: Anjulie, "Boom;" Bat for Lashes, "Daniel;" Chairlift, "Evident Utensil;" Cold War Kids, "I've Seen Enough;" Death Cab for Cutie, "Grapevine Fires;" Gnarls Barkley, "Who's Gonna Save My Soul;" Major Lazer, "Hold the Line;" Matt and Kim, "Lessons Learned;" Passion Pit, "The Reeling;" Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Heads Will Roll"

What the shit is up with this category? The fact that Cold War Kids, Death Cab for Cutie, Gnarls Barkley and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are all nominated - when they've all already had breakthrough videos that have put them on MTV's radar - is confusing at best. Did MTV execs somehow forget about "Hang Me Up to Dry," "I Will Possess Your Heart," "Crazy" and "Maps?" If so, they need a bitchslap to the face, especially because none of the tracks these groups are nominated for actually did shit for their popularity. Of the other groups - Anjulie, Bat for Lashes, Chairlift, Major Lazer, Matt and Kim and Passion Pit - I don't feel like there's a real winner, because it's not like I've ever seen their videos on MTV. Sure, they all have hipster cred - and Major Lazer and Matt and Kim hold special places in my heart for how purely annoying their music is - but I have no idea whose fans will prove obsessive enough.

BEST VIDEO (THAT SHOULD HAVE WON A MOONMAN): Beastie Boys, "Sabotage"
OTHER NOMINEES: Bjork, "Human Behaviour;" Dr. Dre, "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang;" Foo Fighters, "Everlong;" George Michael, "Freedom! '90;" OK Go, "Here It Goes Again;" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Into the Great Wide Open;" Radiohead, "Karma Police;" David Lee Roth, "California Girls;" U2, "Where the Streets Have No Name"

Maybe George Michael and OK Go didn't win Moonmen because they suck. And maybe Tom Petty, David Lee Roth and U2 shouldn't get them now because they're too old to be relevant to MTV's age group. Oh, and perhaps Dre can get a Moonman when he finally fucking releases "Detox," and Radiohead can get one when they stop being pretentious, and the Foo Fighters can get one when they ever release something as good as "The Colour and the Shape" again. And Bjork is just crazy. So ... here, Beastie Boys. Have this for "Sabotage." Also, Adam Yauch, kick that cancer shit, mmkay?