Back, judgmental, etc.

Breaking my two-week hiatus. You wept while I was away, I know. Don't fret! I'm back! (I'm not wearing black. That would have been too easy.)

Anyway, personally for me, little has changed in these past two weeks; plus, you don't read this blog for my real life, anyway. You just want the snark, and I - being a woman of the people - am about to hit you up. Here, get at it:

1. So Rihanna is going on tour this summer with Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj as her openers. I don't know, I would probably want to see Rihanna live. She has been known to cover M.I.A. - wicked off-key, but still - and I could be down for seeing that:



But like, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj are just such hot messes. One of my friends noted today that Minaj isn't really curvy, she's just kind of fat ... and, yeah. Her bottom-heavyness is impressive.


And Ke$ha is shockingly gross, soo ...


I might pass on all that. Also, I would put money on the fact that Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj have some nasty communicable diseases that could somehow travel through rows of seats and reach me wherever I am, and I'm cool with being healthy. Really, I'm

2. Plus, I have this feeling that one of them, either Rihanna or Ke$ha or Nicki, would wear this. Or one of them would wear it and then they would swap the leggings during the course of the tour.

Thrash Leggings by Tripp NYC, $50

SO TRASHY. I'm beginning to gross myself out. I'll stop.

3. See, the only trashiness I can truly enjoy is the kind offered up by Bravo - and the fact that "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts its second season in a few weeks on May 3. So. Fucking. Excited.



If another table is flipped in public, my life will be fucking complete.

4. And finally, I was pretty bummed that yet again, for another year, Coachella happened and I was not there. I kind of hate festivals - they always seem smelly and icky and like you never have a real relationship or connection with the artist, just with the douche next to you - but I don't know, this year's lineup looked kind of good. Nevertheless, I'm TOTALLY OK with the fact that I therefore missed Jay-Z performing "Young Forever" with Beyonce instead of Mr. Hudson.



Downgrade from this, definitely. Also, did Beyonce borrow those coochie-cutters from Miley Cyrus? My god, woman, you have enough money to invest in some fucking pants.

+ Photos courtesy of The Guardian, Idolator, Karmaloop

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

Fuck that Auto-Tune, cuz it's on.

You know what I love about America? That Lil Wayne, who is going to jail in about a month, is still putting out music videos, like this one for "On Fire" -

Lil Wayne - Sucker Free - MTV Shows

- and this one for "Bed Rock," which is really by Young Money, a group of rappers associated with Lil Wayne and his record label, but still. He's in it, surrounded by women. Is there any other way?



But yeah, this kind of pop culture freedom is probably why the Middle East hates us. And like, who can blame them? Kanye West still exists.



Gross. I'm just going to go watch "On to the Next One" on repeat.

Jay-Z - Sucker Free - MTV Shows

I know, Jay-Z's kind of an asshole and "Empire State of Mind" lost its charm pretty rapidly and definitely did not deserve to be No. 2 on Rolling Stone's list of best 25 songs of 2009. But I'm a sucker for Hova. What can I say? Hypocrisy for me is a good life choice.

VMAs - Empire State of Mind

This performance - from Jay-Z's really ugly leather vest to Alicia Keys's six-inch plastic stripper heels - fills me with joy. Oh, and the song is good too, I guess.

Jay-Z - New Music - More Music Videos

Why I feel such affection for a city I've never been to will always confuse me. I'm gonna go ahead and blame "The Great Gatsby" for this one.

Also, could MTV just give it up and not bleep out the "bad" words? This is what you fucking get when you invite a rapper to perform. Just accept it!

P.S. Pfft, who the fuck let Lil Mama onstage? Dear god isn't hosting "America's Best Dance Crew" good enough for this trick?

Let's hear it for New York ...

Jay-Z's "The Blueprint 3," which comes out tomorrow, leaked earlier this week and was pretty disappointing, despite months of hype. There are about five good songs on the album - the singles "Death of Auto-Tune" and "Run This Town" (which isn't that hot, but is when compared to the rest of the tracks), closer "Young Forever" and some other stuff - but the one that's the catchiest and most stuck in my head is "Empire State of Mind," which features Alicia Keys.



And ... lo and behold ... after being used in MTV's VMA promos, it's now going to be performed that night. Baller! I was about to skip this shit and now I should probably tune in, at least for these four minutes or so. Oh, and for the extended "New Moon" trailer. I. Die.

Run them out of town! Haha! ... OK, sorry.

Dude. TOTALLY disappointing.

Jay-Z - New Music - More Music Videos

Today's roundup, video edition.

1. I've been obsessed with the "Tron Legacy" trailer; you should be, too.

2. The trailer for Peter Jackson's adaptation of "The Lovely Bones" finally came out. The novel by Alice Sebold kept me weeping the whole time I read it, and since I started sniffling during this two and a half minute trailer, I feel bad for anyone sitting next to me in the theater who will inevitably experience tear-splashback.

3. Paramore is exactly the kind of angry girl pop-punk that I force my best friend to play in the car whenever we're driving stupid places to spend money we shouldn't. Their new song will inevitably hit that playlist soon enough.

Paramore - New Music - More Music Videos

And I like Hayley's white-bondage-onepiece thing - very reminiscent of old Gwen Stefani.


4. The Jay-Z/Kanye/Rihanna jam "Run This Town" is really, really, REALLY bad, especially because Rihanna's "singing" just consists of her using the tone of "ella" whining and applying it to the word "hey." But MTV claims the new video has a "Mad Max" edge, and I can really, really support that ("California Love" did a good job, I must admit). Here's a clip of the upcoming video for "Run This Town" ...

MTV Shows

Plus, in this publicity photo, Kanye's in the shadows. And that sight warms my heart. But bitch take that bandana off your face! Only Mos Def can get away with that badass-ery.


+ Photos courtesy of Entertainment Weekly, MTV

What you know about that?

The MTV VMA nominations came out Tuesday, and as always, they're annoying and stupid and wildly out-of-touch. Oh, and this year, MTV blew Lady Gaga's maybe-penis (fast-forward to 55 seconds and figure out for yourself what that crotch flash is actually baring), nominating her and Beyonce for nine categories each. They lead the pack; Britney has seven; Coldplay/Kanye/Eminem have four.

It's going to be hard to guess what happens this year, because fans will determine all of the winners, and these are the same people that gave Tokio Hotel the Best New Artist award last year. Seriously, the stupidest people own computers.

But here's my breakdown on what I consider either the most important categories or the ones with the jankiest nominations, because no one cares about special effects, editing or cinematography anyway. Don't front like you give a shit. These are music videos. It's not like we're judging classic films like "Gone with the Wind" or "There Will Be Blood" or anything.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Britney Spears, "Womanizer;" Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

She wears far too many pairs of those shiny pantyhose that fifth-graders threw out before entering middle school in order to save face and that automatically look like Spanx (and probably are), but when compared to Eminem, Lady Gaga, Britney and Kanye, Beyonce's the clear winner. Gaga is all shtick, Eminem is an awful caricature of his former self, Britney's "Womanizer" isn't nearly as good as "Circus" and "Love Lockdown" mostly just focuses on Kanye lying on his couch. So to Jay-Z's wife should go the spoils, especially if you consider that the song pretty much sparked a pop culture-via-YouTube revolution.

BEST NEW ARTIST: Lady Gaga, "Poker Face"
OTHER NOMINEES: 3OH!3, "Don't Trust Me;" Drake, "Best I Ever Had;" Kid Cudi, "Day 'n' Nite;" Asher Roth, "I Love College"

I have an extremely hard time laying the crown upon this Jersey troll's head, mainly because if either Drake, Kid Cudi or Asher Roth showed up on my doorstep trying to eat some caramels, I would be down. But each of them has really only had a couple of singles to their name, while Gaga had "Just Dance," "Poker Face," "LoveGame," "Paparazzi" and so forth. And, 3OH!3 is probably one of the most offensive groups to ever get airplay on MTV, so fuck those guys.

BEST POP VIDEO: Britney Spears, "Womanizer"
OTHER NOMINEES: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It);" Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester, "Good Girls Go Bad;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Wisin & Yandel, "Abusadora"

Although this pains me because Britney totally didn't deserve Video of the Year, Best Female Video or Best Pop Video Moonmen last year for "Piece of Me," I'm going to swing this her way because Beyonce will probably sweep everything else, "Poker Face" isn't Gaga's best video, Cobra Starship sucks and ain't cute and I've never heard of Wisin & Yandel before. Wikipedia tells me they are a "Puerto Rican Grammy and Latin Grammy award-winning reggaeton recording duo." Great, still don't care.

BEST ROCK VIDEO: Coldplay, "Viva la Vida"
OTHER NOMINEES: Fall Out Boy, "I Don't Care;" Green Day, "21 Guns;" Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody;" Paramore, "Decode"

Fall Out Boy hasn't been good since Pete Wentz showed his peen on the Internet, and though Paramore is one of my guiltiest girl-rock pleasures, "Decode" is as uninspired as the entire "Twilight" series it was written for. I won't even discuss Green Day because their lack of knowing more chords than three depresses me; as a result, it comes down to the foxiness of Caleb Followill and how he drawl/shrieks the word "somebody" and the lovely, glittery, vaguely generic package that is Coldplay. I'm going with the latter.

BEST HIP-HOP VIDEO: Jay-Z, "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Flo Rida feat. Kesha, "Right Round;" Asher Roth, "I Love College;" Kanye West, "Love Lockdown"

It's fucking lame that Jay-Z would write a whole song about hating Auto-Tune and trash-talk T-Pain in it, but not have enough balls to call out Kanye, who made an entire frustratingly monotonous album with the robotic tool. But I guess masters never attack their grasshoppers or something. Anyway, there shouldn't be a contest here - when compared to Eminem, Asher Roth, Kanye and Flo Rida (why the fuck is "Right Round" considered hip-hop? Hip-hop and rap should be different categories), Hova deserves victory.

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO: ??
NOMINEES: Anjulie, "Boom;" Bat for Lashes, "Daniel;" Chairlift, "Evident Utensil;" Cold War Kids, "I've Seen Enough;" Death Cab for Cutie, "Grapevine Fires;" Gnarls Barkley, "Who's Gonna Save My Soul;" Major Lazer, "Hold the Line;" Matt and Kim, "Lessons Learned;" Passion Pit, "The Reeling;" Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Heads Will Roll"

What the shit is up with this category? The fact that Cold War Kids, Death Cab for Cutie, Gnarls Barkley and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are all nominated - when they've all already had breakthrough videos that have put them on MTV's radar - is confusing at best. Did MTV execs somehow forget about "Hang Me Up to Dry," "I Will Possess Your Heart," "Crazy" and "Maps?" If so, they need a bitchslap to the face, especially because none of the tracks these groups are nominated for actually did shit for their popularity. Of the other groups - Anjulie, Bat for Lashes, Chairlift, Major Lazer, Matt and Kim and Passion Pit - I don't feel like there's a real winner, because it's not like I've ever seen their videos on MTV. Sure, they all have hipster cred - and Major Lazer and Matt and Kim hold special places in my heart for how purely annoying their music is - but I have no idea whose fans will prove obsessive enough.

BEST VIDEO (THAT SHOULD HAVE WON A MOONMAN): Beastie Boys, "Sabotage"
OTHER NOMINEES: Bjork, "Human Behaviour;" Dr. Dre, "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang;" Foo Fighters, "Everlong;" George Michael, "Freedom! '90;" OK Go, "Here It Goes Again;" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Into the Great Wide Open;" Radiohead, "Karma Police;" David Lee Roth, "California Girls;" U2, "Where the Streets Have No Name"

Maybe George Michael and OK Go didn't win Moonmen because they suck. And maybe Tom Petty, David Lee Roth and U2 shouldn't get them now because they're too old to be relevant to MTV's age group. Oh, and perhaps Dre can get a Moonman when he finally fucking releases "Detox," and Radiohead can get one when they stop being pretentious, and the Foo Fighters can get one when they ever release something as good as "The Colour and the Shape" again. And Bjork is just crazy. So ... here, Beastie Boys. Have this for "Sabotage." Also, Adam Yauch, kick that cancer shit, mmkay?