Cake has let me down. First time ever.

Today was the lamest day ever. Why? Because I bought a piece of German Chocolate Cake from the Amish market and it SUCKED. Not enough coconut. Not enough pecans. Lame. Fucking LAME! I want my $2 back. Stupid fundamentalists, fucking up my fattery.

So whatever, here are things that I tried to use to occupy my time while stewing over the cake fiasco. Seriously. Tragic.

1. Bahman Ghobadi, famous Iranian director and dude behind the upcoming film "No One Knows About Persian Cats," chats up The Washington Post about how tough his life is. That's not me being a sarcastic bitch; I promise it's a riveting interview. Here's a trailer for the movie, I've already teared up watching it. I'm such a girl.

2. Everyone has already talked about how stupid Rolling Stone is for listing the Black Eyed Peas as the No. 1 reason to be excited about music, but the more I think about what my boyfriend said about the situation, the more I agree: If you're bitching because you now think that the magazine is out of touch, then you're an idiot. Because the magazine has been sinking lower and lower into uselessness for years, so ... them listing an annoyingly money-grubbing group as the top reason to adore the music industry shouldn't be that surprising, after all. Depressing, but unsurprising.

3. Taylor Momsen says some more stupid shit, this time discussing how she wants to "be Kurt Cobain." So you want to kill yourself. Awesome.


Also, Kurt Cobain FUCKING WORE PANTS. Just SAYING.

4. I saw "The Losers" last week, and I really liked it, basically because I'm a sucker for stupid action movies based on comic books. Duh. But I didn't know that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was dating Hilarie Burton, from "One Tree Hill"?


You know, the primetime soap I'm obsessed with. It's cool, they just have a 17-year age difference or something. No big! And by that I mean, fuck that bitch I love you JDM get at me.

5. In other "One Tree Hill" news, Chad Michael Murray is apparently writing a book, much like his character Lucas did on the show. Umm ... I'll read it, obviously, but will I enjoy it? Probably not. Unless it gives an inside expose on why he married Sophia Bush for a few weeks and then mysteriously the union fell apart and then he started dating an extra on the show and now they're getting married. Poor Sophia Bush. At least she's now dating James Lafferty, also from "One Tree Hill"; he plays Nathan, who was Lucas's half-brother. Yes, I watch too much television.


Not a bad rebound, really.

6. Steve Carell could leave "The Office" after next year. This is probably a good idea, considering the show should have ended when Jim and Pam got married. Like, tonight's episode is going to deal with how Michael struggles with learning Spanish. Sounds ... not funny at all.

7. And lastly, I can't get over the fact that President Obama loves pie. I feel so close to him right now! In that we're both fat people on the inside. OK, maybe me on the outside, too? ... Fuck you guys.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Just Jared, GossipRocks

This girl is FUCKING 16. SRSLY.

Watching the Haiti telethon; I gave some money to Doctors without Borders; you should too.

In other Haiti-related news, remember how Taylor Momsen said the other day that she was too focused on finishing this season of "Gossip Girl" to give money to the relief effort? Does finishing up "Gossip Girl" TRULY REQUIRE her to always look like a nasty faux-Goth slut who is just asking to get mocked on a daily basis? Because my god, what a prostitute.


Also, I really shouldn't be surprised, because this apparently is her mother.


Parenting fail.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

An "ugh" roundup.

Many things have happened this past week that have effectively scrambled my brain. Some quick examples:

1. The fact that I can see Tyler Momsen's butt-curve through her skirt.


Wearing something so high up your waist that the world SEES YOUR ASS is probably not a good idea, especially when you're 16. Flagrantly showing off your ladyparts only works best for people like ...

2. Rihanna, who showed the world her nipples and vagina in this dress.


Look hard, you'll see her shaved nothingness. That's basically what I did (you know, after my boyfriend gleefully pointed it out).

3. Scarlett Johansson telling Glamour magazine that she doesn't try to be sexy: ""I don't think about being sexy, being seductive. What you don't want to see is somebody trying to be sexy. That's the most unsexy thing."

I DESPISE celebrities who give the old, "Who do you think is sexy? Oh, me!? You shouldn't have!" bullshit. If you are a female and happen to be popular, chances are that you've CONSCIOUSLY done something along the way to amp up your attractiveness. Based on how often Scarlett bumps up her titties ...



... I'm going to have stick by my theory.

4. Mischa Barton looking like a cracked-out, neo-Goth ho.


The look on the face of the guy talking on his cell phone in the mid-background says it all, honestly.

5. OMG! Yahoo putting RZA on one of their worst-dressed lists, and commenting, "Last time we checked, there weren't any documents indicating that Wu-Tang's RZA had ever served in the military."


Dude, it's RZA. He does WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. Why would anyone question that?

+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial, OMG! Yahoo, GiantMag

Rapid thoughts, fashion edition.

Quick comments, for both my fingers and your ears:

1. Victoria Beckham: Please, eat something. An entire cheesecake. Deep fried butter. A greasy, yummy burger (the Smokehouse with bacon and triple cheese has 2,040 calories of deliciousness). Bitch just SOMETHING. Your collarbone is FREAKING ME OUT.


2. Riri, what is there to say? You always look like the dominatrix of my faux-lesbian dreams. I applaud you.


3. Since I haven't said this in a while, Taylor Momsen ... PANTS. That is ALL I ASK.


+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Pretty Hate Machine.

This whole "actors with bands" thing has always been around, and in a way, it makes sense. You're making money as an actor, and people already worship you for your talent and good looks. So why not transpose that into another pop-culture-related career by grabbing a mic and practicing those pipes?

Well, more often than not, those hybrids are distressingly awful, and for every Jack Black (Tenacious D = good), there's a Bruce Willis (The Bruce Willis Blues Band = crappy). Now, it looks like "Gossip Girl" castmate (using the word "star" here would be not accurate) Taylor Momsen is joining the ranks of the evil, thanks to her recently formed band The Pretty Reckless.



Yes, that's her, getting all Courtney Love on stage for her own 16th birthday party at the Maritime Hotel in New York City. And yes, this is also her, sounding all ear-bleedingly bad on some song called "Blender."



Dear god, let "Gossip Girl" kill her off already. Like, get the actual Gossip Girl to murder her. It would be a solid, "Dexter"-esque plot twist.

+ Photo courtesy of The Washington Post