I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

People get paid to write about stuff they like. I do it for free.

Time released their most recent influential 100 list for 2010, and though it's full of the usual suspects - like the grossness that is Sarah Palin and Lady Gaga, obviously - there are a lot of choices that fill me with total joy. Here, my nine favorites. Picking 10 would have been too expected. Oh, and I'm a jerk.

1. Zahra Rahnavard, Iranian activist. This is my favorite excerpt from Shirin Ebadi's blurb on her, because it says so much in so little: "Mir-Hossein Mousavi may be the face of Iran's Green protest movement, but the government fears his wife just as much."

2. Kathryn Bigelow, director of "The Hurt Locker." Fellow director Oliver Stone hit gold with the last paragraph on her: "Yet despite enormous accolades, her film is considered a financial failure — like all films about the Iraq war. The question lingers: Why, despite our country's love affair with violence, do Americans refuse to see these realistic films? With The Hurt Locker, Bigelow unflinchingly stuck her finger in the tragic heart of a national wound — our inability to face ourselves."


Also, I still can't get over that picture.

3. Banksy, artist. It makes sense that Shepard Fairey, the guy who made that iconic Obama poster, would say this about the mysterious British graffiti master: "He doesn't ignore boundaries; he crosses them to prove their irrelevance." Simple and direct.


My favorite Banksy piece. So fucking good.

4. Conan O'Brien, God among men. It seems fitting that George Lopez would write about Conan, since they're going to be on TBS together, and I really like the honesty Lopez gives in this piece by kind of admitting that he first doubted O'Brien's on-air talent: "He wasn't a performer; he was a writer. But then I watched, and I recognized his unique perspective. He said things that made me laugh, and I started to feel him. He kept fighting — and I started to respect him. In the world of comedy, his was a Cinderella story in size-15 shoes." Fuck yeah he is!

5. Neill Blomkamp, director. Ridley Scott's blurb about the director of "District 9" isn't that lengthy or engaging, but the list he gives of Blomkamp's feats stand on their own: "His first feature, the improbable but utterly engaging alien-apartheid allegory District 9, has already brought him more acclaim than most filmmakers will ever achieve: a Golden Globe Award nomination, two BAFTA Award nominations and an Academy Award nod, among others." Hopefully it's the beginning of a long and great film career, because, holy fuck,


"District 9" was awesome.

6. Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, executive producers of "Lost." My boyfriend hates me because of how obsessed I am with "Lost," but he'll have nothing to worry about in a few weeks when the show finally, depressingly wraps. But until then, Time's TV critic James Poniewozik puts the appeal of "Lost" pretty well: But Lost is, above all, a soulful and funny saga of flawed people seeking redemption, and these storytellers combined their big ideas with some of the most rollicking popcorn entertainment since Star Wars. With the series' May 23 finale, a.k.a. the TV event of the year, the torture finally ends. And the long debate over the ending begins."


Holy crap, I'm so excited. Even though this promo picture for the sixth and final season is weeks old, it still gives me the creeps.

7. Neil Patrick Harris, actor. Everyone this year has gone apeshit about how much Lady Gaga has done for the LGBT community, but part of me thinks her constant making out with girls and flashing of her ladybits is just fucking exploitative at best. On the complete other side of the spectrum, though, is NPH, and I love what Joss Whedon (a man whom I will forever love for bringing me "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") has to say about him: "He made the issue of his sexuality disappear without desexualizing himself. He can get the girl and sing about the boys, and it all works. The public's perception of gay men is shifting because of this guy, and they'll be too entertained to notice. That's more than a good trick. That's magic." Word.


Years after "Harold and Kumar 2," this is still pretty magical, too, I have to say.

8. Prince. There's nothing else to say but Prince. The artist formerly known as a symbol hasn't really done much this year, but it's interesting that Time still included him on this list - and having Usher write about him is pretty valid: "I was interested in music and trying to find a model. It was Michael, or it was Prince. He had an attitude, a rawness that Michael didn't have. He was not urban, but he was our version of what cool could be. You look at an icon like James Dean or Steve McQueen — they represent a certain energy, a certain poise. That's what Prince has."


Plus, he has that tongue. I'm not approving of it, but I'm just bringing it to your attention.

+ Photos courtesy of Buzzfeed, Flickamag, SciFiScoop, Fanpop, Blogspot, Soulbounce

What do Superman and piranhas have in common?

I feel like such an old person. Everything about these things makes me feel ancient:

1. So this old guy in Georgetown who hates the drunk college kids always hanging around his neighborhood starts a blog to call them out on their bullshit. Georgetown kids ARE douchebags, so what's wrong with this? I say nothing. Rich white yuppies think that Washington, D.C., belongs to them so I support crotchety old men trying to take a sSo ttand; I keep imagining Clint Eastwood growling "Get off my lawn!" in "Gran Torino."



Yup, just like that.

2. So the Unification Church, or as I like to affectionately/cruelly call them, the "Moonies," is selling The Washington Times. I've thought of The Washington Times as an embarrassingly right-wing newspaper for years, but their role as a foil to The Washington Post has also been a D.C. tradition. If the paper never gets sold, or just has to close, that would suck - and be yet another example of journalism's rapid money-losing journey. Seeing a paper I've been familiar with for more than two decades now (even if that familiarity is a seething hatred) going down the tubes = bummer.

3. Doctors say roller coasters can now cause ear damage. I've only been on a few roller coasters in my life, including the Superman at Six Flags, which literally scarred me forever.


So do I feel old because yet another part of my childhood is being labeled as dangerous, or because I've been on less than five roller coasters and I'm 23 fucking years old and that statistic is way shameful? Probably both.

4. And lastly, am I just a hater because I think the upcoming movie "Piranha 3D" looks fucking awful? Or am I right?

I'm thinking I'm right. For shame, Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames! You (respectively) were in "Back to the Future" and "Pulp Fiction," for fuck's sake! And Richard Dreyfuss, remember how you were in "Jaws?" You doing this rip-off isn't ironic; it's pathetic. PATHETIC I SAY.

+ Photos courtesy of UltimateRollerCoaster

I'm not clear what this video says about "the war on terror."

OK, so everyone is going apeshit over the remake of Lady Gaga's "Telephone" done by U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan. The Washington Post wrote an essay about it; the clip has more than 1 million hits on YouTube. It's funny and everything, and I guess it kind of humanizes all the soldiers I imagine are over there hating their lives and killing my people, but ...



... does anyone else think the guy that impersonates Beyonce is totally the best? Because I do. I thoroughly enjoy really hood guys pretending to be women. Maybe that's why I'm obsessed with "RuPaul's Drag Race," especially contestant Raven from season two:


It's just SO BAD that it's great. And I'm really amazed by their tuckgame. How do you make a penis BASICALLY DISAPPEAR? My mind is boggled.

+ Photos courtesy of LogoTV, Sick Biscuit

I wish M.I.A. didn't break up with Diplo/didn't have a baby/was me/etc.

I really can't decide if I love M.I.A.'s new video for "Born Free" or not.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

It's already gotten lots of hype because it's so violent (if you don't want to watch it, Rolling Stone breaks it down), and Entertainment Weekly reports that M.I.A.'s rep says she doesn't want to comment on it. And I kind of get it. In fact, I actually really like the idea of using gingers, so arbitrarily hated by society, as a substitute for other stupid decisions on behalf of the bloodthirsty American people. Blah blah blah, analysis criticism analysis. But at the end of the day, can't I just hear M.I.A. singing the damn song? Or get a cameo from Diplo?


I'm really shallow sometimes. I just want to see that hot piece's face. White trash, you are my destiny.

EDIT: The full song is really, really good. And Diplo produced it. I am happy again.

+ Photo courtesy of Rollo & Grady

Cake has let me down. First time ever.

Today was the lamest day ever. Why? Because I bought a piece of German Chocolate Cake from the Amish market and it SUCKED. Not enough coconut. Not enough pecans. Lame. Fucking LAME! I want my $2 back. Stupid fundamentalists, fucking up my fattery.

So whatever, here are things that I tried to use to occupy my time while stewing over the cake fiasco. Seriously. Tragic.

1. Bahman Ghobadi, famous Iranian director and dude behind the upcoming film "No One Knows About Persian Cats," chats up The Washington Post about how tough his life is. That's not me being a sarcastic bitch; I promise it's a riveting interview. Here's a trailer for the movie, I've already teared up watching it. I'm such a girl.

2. Everyone has already talked about how stupid Rolling Stone is for listing the Black Eyed Peas as the No. 1 reason to be excited about music, but the more I think about what my boyfriend said about the situation, the more I agree: If you're bitching because you now think that the magazine is out of touch, then you're an idiot. Because the magazine has been sinking lower and lower into uselessness for years, so ... them listing an annoyingly money-grubbing group as the top reason to adore the music industry shouldn't be that surprising, after all. Depressing, but unsurprising.

3. Taylor Momsen says some more stupid shit, this time discussing how she wants to "be Kurt Cobain." So you want to kill yourself. Awesome.


Also, Kurt Cobain FUCKING WORE PANTS. Just SAYING.

4. I saw "The Losers" last week, and I really liked it, basically because I'm a sucker for stupid action movies based on comic books. Duh. But I didn't know that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was dating Hilarie Burton, from "One Tree Hill"?


You know, the primetime soap I'm obsessed with. It's cool, they just have a 17-year age difference or something. No big! And by that I mean, fuck that bitch I love you JDM get at me.

5. In other "One Tree Hill" news, Chad Michael Murray is apparently writing a book, much like his character Lucas did on the show. Umm ... I'll read it, obviously, but will I enjoy it? Probably not. Unless it gives an inside expose on why he married Sophia Bush for a few weeks and then mysteriously the union fell apart and then he started dating an extra on the show and now they're getting married. Poor Sophia Bush. At least she's now dating James Lafferty, also from "One Tree Hill"; he plays Nathan, who was Lucas's half-brother. Yes, I watch too much television.


Not a bad rebound, really.

6. Steve Carell could leave "The Office" after next year. This is probably a good idea, considering the show should have ended when Jim and Pam got married. Like, tonight's episode is going to deal with how Michael struggles with learning Spanish. Sounds ... not funny at all.

7. And lastly, I can't get over the fact that President Obama loves pie. I feel so close to him right now! In that we're both fat people on the inside. OK, maybe me on the outside, too? ... Fuck you guys.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Just Jared, GossipRocks

God bless America, maybe?

You know, I mock America a lot, but I'm pretty sure democracy may actually be failing when stupid shit like this happens. You know, when some guy think it's OK to fire on another guy's car, on the fucking Beltway I drive every day, with his daughter in the car. Really? Here are the details:

"[Gabriel] Poventud threw open the door of his silver Jaguar on the shoulder of the highway where the truck also was stopped and began shooting, police said, with his 2-year-old daughter inside in her car seat.

Over four miles and 20 minutes the two drivers drove recklessly and in a rage, state police allege, with Poventud's 2-year-old daughter in her car seat during the ride. Four bullets "would have hit the cab if they had penetrated the dump bed," a state trooper has said in a complaint filed in court."

Good job, guy. Really, just phenomenal.

Another example: Students' progress nationwide has stalled behind No Child Left Behind, meaning that despite all the funding that's been pumped into the initiative, kids nationwide really aren't reading any better:

"When Bush signed the law, hopes were high for a revolution in reading. Billions of dollars were spent, especially in early grades, to build fluency, vocabulary, comprehension and a love of books that would propel students in all subjects. The goal was to eliminate racial and ethnic achievement gaps. But Wednesday's report shows no great leaps for the nation and stubborn disparities in performance between white and black students, among others."

What does this mean? I'm going to go with "parents not spending enough time with their children and therefore not encouraging reading and leading their child down a path of illiteracy." Maybe I'm wrong. But I grew up in a house where Saturday morning visits to the public library happened every week, reading was encouraged everywhere (even at the dinner table) and my parents wanted me to read everything, from newspapers to magazines to paperbacks.

And I'm not saying that not spending time with your kids is a problem specific to any class or race - my rich cousins who are both cardiologists make about $500k a year but their kids haven't even read "Harry Potter," because they're too busy playing on the laptops their dad bought them for their 8th and 6th birthday, respectively. Maybe if reading was more encouraged both at home and in school, something would change. But I'm doubting it.

And lastly, I'm all down for vigilante justice. I'm a big fan of Batman. Yup, this guy.


But I'm thinking that crazy conservatives and tea party activists or whatever the fuck else they call themselves resorting to violence and threats against elected officials that voted for the health care legislation Obama put forth aren't citizen heroes, they're douchebags. Are you really going to criticize other countries that follow bizarre legal codes, like Islamic law, but then think it's cool to threaten someone's life because they voted for a bill you don't agree with? You're a fucking idiot.

The only thing giving me hope is that an Ann Coulter speech at the University of Ottowa was canceled due to protests against her. You could say that I'm speaking out of both sides of my mouth, since these protestors were threatening Coulter too, but I think there's a big difference between being against a speaker who only spits venom against people of different religious and sexual orientations and attempting violence against an elected official who is trying to help their constituents. You da best, Canada.

+ Photo courtesy of SparkTV

Headline news! Well, kind of.

I spent a lot of today watching bad movies ("Point Break," "Sleepy Hollow," whatever); being angry that the worthless trick Ke$ha has a pair of shoes named after her that I kind of actually like, even though they are fucking absurdly expensive ...

Kesha by Pour la Victoire, $335

... and reading the newz. It's what I do! Lazy Saturdays; I'm sure you know the drill.

1. Apparently classical music has absurdly low record sales and could basically be in danger of disappearing from recording altogether. I don't listen to classical music - like, EVER - but it's interesting to see just how fucked up and low record sales really are. Kind of sucks for the future of music, I'd think.

2. The cast of "Jersey Shore" is coming back for a second season, which ... could possibly not be set in New Jersey? I don't understand the point of this, but MTV makes bad decisions all the time, so whatever. Granted, I still have managed to escape actually watching the show, so ... I'll probably love it if I actually watch it. Let's be honest.


3. Author Nicholas Sparks calls his novel, "Dear John," which is being made into a movie with Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum, a modern-day "Casablanca."


It's cool that the movie is now totally ruined for me by the own author giving away the ending. THANKS DUDE.

4. Am I the only person for whom Obama's shine is starting to dull? Because his administration's decision to step up arms sales to Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern nations in order to thwart Iran, a country he has claimed to want to work closer with diplomatically, is ... pretty much hypocritical. My boyfriend points out to me that this happened a few years ago, too, and is pretty standard arms race bullshit, but that doesn't make me any less pissed off.

5. The Ravens have just hired Jim Zorn, disgraced former head of the Washington Redskins, as their new quarterbacks coach. I think that a lot of Zorn's failure with the Redskins was because of how much of a douche Daniel Snyder is, but ... if Joe Flacco starts fucking up majorly next year, I know who to blame.


Looking at you, d00d! This is prob the face Zorn made when he realized he had a new job, btw. Recession, man. That shit sucks.


+ Photos courtesy of Solestruck, Clevver, RealityTea, Evening Sun, TaylorMadeTirade