Sunday, January 17, 2010

Who else is flipping between Aziz and Golden Globe dresses besides me?

Watching Aziz Ansari's "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening," which is hilarious, as expected; my boyfriend had read somewhere that to prepare for the douchey character he plays in "Funny People," Ansari did a tour in that over-the-top, Dane Cook-like persona, and that is pretty much exactly what this is. Jokes about M.I.A.'s boobs, his fat cousin Harris and watching Kanye West look out of his telescope at a neighbor with big titties? I love it!

But yeah, during the commercials, I've also been rapidly checking on whether there are any online photo albums of all the Golden Globe entrances, and yes, victory! OMG! Yahoo can always be depended on to provide me with dumb shit. And so, here we go: The best, worst and most meh?!, in my opinion. And yes, meh?! needs its own category. Trust me.

P.S. This is a long post. Deal with it.


Drew Barrymore: Yeah, she's annoying in real life, but now that the promotion for "Whip It!" is over, she's started dressing like a human again - thankfully.

Mariah Carey: I really just have to applaud her for being able to fit into this dress. Wrapped up in plastic wrap and sucking in like crazy? Fuck, I hope so. Also, can I get married so I can make my D-list husband hold my umbrella for me at public events? Kthx.

Marion Cotillard: There's nothing for me to say except for that I love this crazy French bitch. So many weird clothes that make me adore her. SO MANY.

Neil Patrick Harris: He's just a charming gay man. Charming, charming, CHARMING. He could wear the clothes of a fucking homeless man who was loitering outside the Golden Globe Awards and I'd still be salivating over it.

Diane Kruger: She was annoying in "Troy," if only because she really did nothing except make out with Orlando Boom (why not ME?!), but there's something about her performance in "Inglourious Basterds" that I can really get behind.

You know, the movie with these dudes: Eli Roth, Melanie Laurent and Quentin Tarantino, who all look pretty dapper.

Oh, and she's also dating Pacey/Joshua Jackson. So like, I can always fucking support that hot piece.

Mickey Rourke: Yeah dude, wear that stupid fucking cowboy hat! Only you, Mickey Rourke. Only your beastly self.

Tracey Morgan: Tracy (Yup, I misspelled it as "Tracey" and then my boyfriend corrected me. Fuck you.) Morgan also gets a Rourke-like pass, because who else could get away with color-coordinating their umbrella and handkerchief? Like, seriously.

Robert Downey Jr.: And well, he's just RDJ. There are no other explanations necessary.

When it comes to weirdness, Catherine Hendricks (oh god, that cleavage), Anna Paquin and Chloe Sevigny take the cake: Dresses that look like cupcakes and disco balls? Yes, plz!

Oh, and it's good to see that Courtney Cox-Arquette and Helen Mirren are also still drinking from the fountain of youth/whatever baby blood Madonna is sucking on to stay looking hot and trim and fit. I don't think it's fair that these women look better at their age than I do now, but sigh, credit where it's due.


Fergie-Ferg: Why is she wearing what looks like a rejected prom dress from the late '90s or from a bargain rack at David's Bridal? Fail.

Julianne Moore: I just don't get it. Like ... some slouchy off-shoulder mess with a big ugly seam? Pass, plz.

Tina Fey: I've begun to appreciate Tina Fey more since my boyfriend has started making me watch "30 Rock" more often, but this dress is not cutting it. Why so much "Little House on the Prairie" influence? Ugh.

Téa Leoni: I can understand that not everyone wants to wear an evening dress. But really, a button-down oxford and some dowdy looking skirt? Didn't Sharon Stone already do that on the red carpet once or something? I'm not saying be like Sharon Stone, because bitch is crazy, but don't copy her, either.


Sandra Bullock: There's a lot about this that reminds me of a fairy doll or My Little Pony or something. The color scheme and the shininess? Probably, yeah.

Zoe Saldana: So much fabric ... for such a skinny person.

Jane Lynch: I don't dislike it, it's just lots of taffeta and lots of green and kind of reminds me of Christmas decorations. Ooh, like a shiny plastic Christmas tree! Where are the presents? ... OK, I just went into an unhappy place where I thought of Jane Lynch's genitalia as presents. I have to stop writing about this now.

Heather Graham: There's a lot of one boob and little of another ... the unevenness irks me. I am anal, after all.

Maggie Gyllenhaal: I'm usually a fan of her stupid clothing choices, but the color is just washing her the fuck out. And for someone already that pale, it's just a creepy, corpse-like demeanor that is not. Where's Peter Sarsgaard? Save me, Charles Lane! ("Shattered Glass" reference; yes, I'm just that journalism-nerdy.)

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

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