I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

Summer could be real unfortunate.

I'm not sure what's worse: Bathing suits that are this ugly,

Ride the Wave one-piece, $169.99

Twilight Flight one-piece, $169.99

Or bathing suits made by Spanx.

Colorblock one-piece, $198

Like, if you're worried enough about your figure that you have to wear a bathing suit created by a company whose entire purpose is to suck and tuck your body fat, shouldn't you just put $200 toward a gym membership instead? As a person with eight pints of Ben and Jerry's in her freezer, I'm saying this with your best intentions at heart.

Either way, my eyes hurt and blame me for exposing them to both this and Maryland's defeat earlier. Oh, and similarly to these see-through pants by American Apparel:

Nylon Spandex Micro-Mesh Jumper Pant, $40

Yup, totally mesh pants. Sluts everywhere, I've found your uniform.

+ Photos courtesy of Modcloth, Victoria's Secret, American Apparel