An excuse to talk about Jon Hamm's face.

I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.

1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.


Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.

2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.


Word on the street is Hill is losing weight to star in the upcoming adaptation of "21 Jump Street," which should come out in 2012, and while I commend his 30-pound slim-down so far, I ALSO think his weight loss further accentuates his super-awkward body. His legs are so thin! But he still has a double chin! I don't get it, it's weird, DISLIKE. Get back to me when you lose enough weight to look like a real person, like Seth Rogen did (before he started gaining it back again).

3. Tom Felton at the Empire Awards, sponsored by Jameson, in London on Sunday.


What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.

4. Chloe Moretz at the first Annual Comedy Awards in New York City on Saturday.


Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.

5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.


Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Movie news that pleases me.

I saw "Sucker Punch" last week and I guess I was the only person in the world who liked it, as it currently holds a 20 percent rating on RottenTomatoes. I mean, holy crap that's bad. That's the same rating as "Beastly"! That's just offensive to "Sucker Punch." The only thing linking the two movies is Vanessa Hudgens, so I'm going to blame her.

But yeah, these news items are keeping me happy in light of the commercial failure that is "Sucker Punch."

1. Armie Hammer, who played the Winklevoss twins in "The Social Network" and whose name always makes me giggle because it sounds like Arm & Hammer, will star as Prince Andrew Alcott in "The Brothers Grimm: Snow White," one of the upcoming adaptations of "Snow White." Director Tarsem Singh has already cast Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen. There's another "Snow White" adaptation being planned, with Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron and Viggo Mortensen.

+ EDIT: Sike! Viggo is no longer going to be in "Snow White and the Huntsman," which pleases me, because APPARENTLY he's in talks to play the villain in the "Superman" movie Amy Adams has been cast in. I'm going to go ahead and say I'm psychic for linking these two pieces of news together in the same post without even knowing their connection at first! You're welcome. Anyway, have these pictures of Hammer and Mortensen anyway.

If there could somehow be a "Snow White" adaptation with both Hammer and Mortensen in one movie, I would be super pumped, since Hammer looks like this ...


... and Mortensen looks like this ...


But alas, it cannot be. I would probably see Singh's version, because I can't stand Kristen Stewart, but I also can't stand Julia Roberts, so this will definitely be a balancing act for my hatred. I hate most female actresses, big surprise!

2. Amy Adams will be Lois Lane in the upcoming "Superman" adaptation, which Zack Snyder - who created the sadly under-performing "Sucker Punch" - will direct. I'm totally OK with this idea, since Kate Bosworth was such a poor Lois Lane in 2006's "Superman Returns," and since Adams kicked so much ass in "The Fighter." Literally, when she punched Micky's sisters in the face, I couldn't be happier.


Who wouldn't punch those shrill harpy bitches? Honestly.

3. Lastly, I'm not necessarily excited by this, but definitely intrigued: Mila Kunis has been cast as the Wicked Witch of the West in the film adaptation of "Oz: The Great and Powerful," which will also star James Franco. They played a drug-happy couple in 2010's "Date Night," which also starred Franco's amazing facial hair.


Sam Raimi (who did "The Evil Dead" and the "Spider-Man" trilogy with Tobey Maguire) is directing "Oz," which could be awesome, and the prequel will take a look at the land from the Wizard's point of view, chronicling how he came to power, as we all saw in "The Wizard of Oz." Franco is pretty slimy and sleazy at times, so I can definitely see him doing well with the role - and Kunis is hot. The end.

+ Photos courtesy of piercedbyalance.com, lilokpelikula.files.wordpress.com, parcbench.com, hotflick.net

Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Hot and not.

Maybe this "Hot and Not" discussion will be a weekly thing, I don't know. But here's one good-looking person and not-good-looking person. It's pretty self-explanatory.

NOT: Pink, at the March 10 Los Angeles premiere of "The Lincoln Lawyer."


I know she's pregnant, so I can understand wearing a caftan because duh, it's comfy. Shit, I would wear caftans all the time if that were socially acceptable. Going to work? Caftan. Going to the bank? Caftan. Going to my brother's medical school graduation? Caftan. I'm lazy, if you couldn't tell.

But I really have to veto Pink's grey hair - I know she's had it for a couple years, since '08 - because I don't think a woman should be pregnant and also have grey hair. That raises all kinds of older-lady-with-baby-growing-inside-her visions, and since Pink isn't an AARP member, I would like her to go back to her namesake. Or black. Or blond. Something that just isn't terrible, you know? Something that doesn't remind me of the 2009 story of a pregnant 66-year-old, the oldest woman to give birth. Because, ew.

HOT: Jim Parrack, at the March 8 Los Angeles premiere of "Battle: Los Angeles."


I've pined ever since he started playing Hoyt on "True Blood," and his relationship with vampire Jessica (Deborah Ann Wall) is the only one I care about on the show. When they got back together last season, it was totally the best ...


... and if you know my affinity for white trash-looking dudes, you can understand my soft spot for the guy. See?


So here's the lesson: COME BACK TO ME, TRUE BLOOD. COME BACK. Dear June, arrive faster, thanks. And bring Hoyt's hotness with you.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, 2.bp.blogspot.com, 26.media.tumblr.com

Sundays bore me.

Seriously, they do. Unless football is on, what is Sunday really good for? Basically nothing. All I'm doing is sitting here working through my DVR. These stories are the only things capturing my attention in any way. Until lunchtime. Lunchtime always has my attention.

1. Baz Lurhmann avoids talking about whether he's ACTUALLY working on "The Great Gatsby" film adaptation or not. I'm sorry, what? Word on the street was the main roles had already been cast - including Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan - and that the film would be shot in 3-D and NOT in New York City. But now Baz is kind of denying all of it. Great. Thanks. Wonderful.


All I want is more Leo, OK? What's wrong with that? Especially more tortured Leo, like he was in "Inception." My heart, it flutters! Oh, and I find it REAL disgusting that Kristen Stewart made more than Leo last year, by about $500K - $28.5 million compared to $28 million. That's more money than I'll ever see in my life, but I'm pretty sure Leo > everyone else.

2. Chef Mario Batali, who is good friends with Gwyneth Paltrow and collaborated with her on a 2008 cookbook and another upcoming one, says he thinks she was "playing nervous" onstage, like when performing at the Country Music Awards:



IF MARIO IS RIGHT, I'm super-bummed. I love Gwyneth and how she's wonderful at everything but I also love humanizing her, like maybe she was all nervous back in the day but through performing on "Glee" she's grown more confident, like she was on the Grammys!



So you know, like she's human and not a perfect superbeing. That would be cool (and I love this essay on Gwyneth, which explains why people hate her but shouldn't). You're killing me, Mario.

3. And lastly, Al Jazeera did a piece on the Mexican city of Juarez, where a shitton of women disappear, get raped and die on a regular basis. The city's been covered a lot in the media already, but Al Jazeera's story reminded me of how makeup company MAC had planned on releasing a Juarez-themed collection last year, in partnership with fashion company Rodarte, who had released a clothing collection based on the women of Juarez.


The lipsticks, eyeshadows and other cosmetics (some seen above) had names inspired by the city's violence, like "Ghost Town" and "Factory," and though MAC had said they would donate some of the profits to organizations serving the city, they eventually canceled the collection because of all the bad PR. The more I think about it now, I wish they had gone through with it - the problems in Juarez aren't getting any better, and wouldn't some money have helped? Any amount of money? I know ultimately it was in bad taste to have names that seemingly objectified the women, but given that the shithole is getting crappier by the day, I can't help but think that some money and attention is exactly what Juarez needs to finally change.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, latina.com

For shame, people.

Here are some things that should embarrass all of us when heading into the weekend, because there's nothing that will get you more jazzed up for two days off than terrible parents and terrible films. Yayyy!

1. I recently made the mistake of watching the trailer for "The Smurfs" movie, which comes out Aug. 3. Because people for some reason want to hear Katy Perry talk instead of seeing her boobs. Hahaha kidding! No seriously Katy show me your boobs.



2. This Orlando couple admitted to beating a 3-year-old boy to death after he wet himself - then they ate a pizza and watched a movie and finally called the cops hours later to pretend the kid was "wheezing" and the noise wouldn't let them sleep. Things this proves: A. Florida is crazy and B. people are crazy and C. people who kill people should be killed by the same way they murdered the other person. I'm talking an eye-for-an-eye justice. That's not just because I'm vaguely Muslim, but because HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE AWFUL HOW DO YOU KILL A BABY ARGHHHHH.

3. Snakeskin pedicures are apparently a thing - women pay $300 or so to get real snakeskin applied to their toenails, a six-month-long process. Why? I don't have answers for why. Because people have a shitton of money and are often retarded? That's as close as I can get. For what other reason would you attach a reptile's discarded skin on your body - for hundreds of dollars? WHY. ELSE. Can't people just go forage in the desert for snakeskin and use Krazy Glue? That's my low-budget suggestion.

4. Lastly, and most depressingly for me, I'm pretty sure I have all the elements of Zac Efron's outfit in the below picture.


And I'm pretty sure I've worn them in the exact same configuration. I'm terrible, I know - but sweaters are comfy! And so are cut-off jean shorts! Fuck you all.

+ Photo courtesy of Dlisted.com

This is the part where I offer some opinions.

If you're trying to figure out what to do this weekend and have decided that spending on overpriced movie tickets and super-salty popcorn and humongous cups of soda is in the cards, please, let me guide your choices. I reviewed the three movies opening this weekend, and if you don't read them, I will kill you.


- Mars Needs Moms: So touching! So Disney! Starring Seth Green but with his voice swapped out for a small child's! Given that he's a grown-ass man playing a kid, I agree with that choice. Overall, a solid flick if you're feeling like a kid again.


- Battle: Los Angeles: Stuff blows up, people die, there are aliens, Aaron Eckhart has a really strong jawline. That's really all you need to know. Did I mention the explosions? And Eckhart's jawline? Because it's really chiseled.


- Red Riding Hood: I can only hope that everyone involved with this movie, except Leonardo DiCaprio, meets an untimely death. That's a drastic pronouncement, but seriously, the movie is terrible. So maybe I don't want them to die, but I DO want someone in Hollywood to get their shit together and stop funding everything that rips off "Twilight." Really, I more want Stephenie Meyer to die. That's more accurate.

+ Photos courtesy of daemonsmovies.com, netkushi.com, collider.com

Today's most offensive things.

Don't worry, there are a lot of them.

1. Diddy is worth more than any other rapper, which proves that the only thing needed to make a shitton of money is a. douchery and b. shitty rhymes. Seriously, have you listened to "Coming Home"? Because that song fucking sucks.



33 million hits? I hate people. So yeah, it blows that Diddy is lining his pockets with a cool $475 million while raping my eardrums (and I know that most of his money comes from his business ventures, but still). And how the fuck are Birdman and Dr. Dre each worth more than $100 million? Shouldn't Eminem be on this list, since he was one of the best-selling artists of the last decade, or is his exclusion further proof that rappers only make their money from their side ventures, not musical popularity? Blergh.

2. In other offensive movie news, the two films that are being made of Stephenie Meyer's last book in the "Twilight" series, "Breaking Dawn," will have a combined budget of about $263 million - and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner will each pocket a cool $25 million. I don't know if that's per film or combined, but STILL, gross - and even worse is that Summit expects the films to pull in more than $1 billion. You know, if "acting" in the "Twilight" movies just consists of squinting, staring and acting like a general fucking lovestruck idiot, I could totally do that.


I mean, don't you think that's all that photo of Stewart and Pattinson is? And I would only do it for a cool $1 million. Call me, Summit.

3. I don't know how I missed this, but apparently White House crasher/former D.C. Housewife Michaele Salahi was going to be on the upcoming season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" - until she got kicked off. Tareq Salahi is now saying he's going to sue the show for kicking off his wife because of her medical condition, multiple sclerosis. I'm still not entirely convinced she's sick, but I REMAIN CONVINCED that they are fucking worthless people who despite making great TV are actually soulless douchebags. It's never been confirmed by Bravo if "Real Housewives of D.C." will come back for another season, but at this point, that's the only thing the Salahis can really do, right?

4. In a serious blow to my childhood, the Troll dolls, which were way popular back in the '80s and early '90s, have been revamped - basically now as Bratz doll-looking sluts. See:


If you remember them, the Troll dolls were chubby and awkward and had terrible hair and were often naked and basically WERE ME ...


... so the fact that they've been redone to look like complete prostitutes to appeal to today's children makes me upset. What, are all little girls whores now? We can't play with ugly toys anymore? Are the Garbage Pail Kids next? THE HORROR.

+ Photos courtesy of entertainment.ezinemark.com, Amazon.com, decencyisnotaluxury.wordpress.com

PLEASE BE OVER WORKDAY

SO CLOSE. to the weekend.

All I plan on doing this weekend is organizing my makeup and watching "The X-Files," because BBC America shows reruns of them and it's the middle of the second season and HOLY CRAP so much stuff happens that season, mainly including Dana Scully/Gillian Anderson looking like a total babe:


... while often rocking shoulder pads.


Amazing.

Anyway, I digress. Here's the rundown of daily crap to get you into the weekend:

1. Jimmy Fallon gets his own Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, featuring "vanilla bean ice cream, fudge-covered potato chip clusters, all with a salty caramel swirl." First, that sounds gross; I don't want chips in my ice cream because I'm not Homer fucking Simpson. Secondly, when did Jimmy Fallon become such a foodie? Does NBC really have no one else to pimp out that they are able to get him on his own episode of "Top Chef" AND he somehow gets an ice cream flavor? I'm single-handedly helping ice cream sales soar during the recession (OK, a lot of other people are being fat too, but still) and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any goddamn recognition. Where are my "Top Chef" cronies at?

2. "Blade Runner" may get a sequel or a prequel, brought to you by Alcon Entertainment, the same producers who created "The Blind Side" and "The Book of Eli" - which BOTH SUCKED. The company has bought the rights and are bouncing around ideas, and I hope that during this process, they somehow manage to all die. What the fuck, guys? There are already 27 movie sequels coming out this year, more than any other year ever, and now you have to ruin the best character Harrison Ford ever played? Yeah, I said it. Deckard > Han Solo. Eat it.

3. I'm thinking about grad school in the fall, and I had considered going to Northwestern University before realizing it was a. too expensive and b. too far away. HOW HAPPY AM I to find out that I effectively avoided seeing a woman get pleasured by her boyfriend in front of a class. Uh, yeah. He used a sex toy on her as part of a human sexuality discussion. I remember when I was in college, state delegates got pissed because a student group considered showing a porn film on campus. I'm sure those same Republicans would lose their shit if they realized some chick was getting off in front of students as part of their curriculum. Keep it classy, Wildcats.

4. If you're bored, feel free to read the reviews I wrote this week, of "Beastly" and "The Adjustment Bureau." I will finally acknowledge that Vanessa Hudgens is hot (especially at the Oscars after-party earlier this week; plz click through the whole slideshow because it's hilarious), but holy shit "Beastly" sucks. Girl, you dumb.

+ EDIT: My needy roommate would like me to tell the world that she passed along the Northwestern story to me, and I otherwise wouldn't have known about the lady that played with a sex toy in front of class. Am I trying to keep our love a secret? Maybe.

+ Photos courtesy of fucknoshoulderpads.tumblr.com (a blog specifically dedicated to Scully's outfits!) and forums.comicbookresources.com

Blergh.

A rapid rundown of things you should know about today:

1. I reviewed "Drive Angry" in 3-D, which came out last week and was pretty terrible. Why Nicolas Cage, why? How are you still bankrupt? Oh right because your most recent film was "Season of the Witch," which sucked a huge one but somehow made a profit. Because people are dumb. Really, really dumb.

2. SO DUMB, IN FACT, that George Lucas is going to release "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3-D in 2012. What have we done as a people to deserve such terribleness? Baz Luhrmann shooting "The Great Gatsby" in 3-D wasn't enough, we now have to suffer the terror of Jar-Jar swinging his dopiness around all screen, REALLY CLOSE to my face? Great. Thanks George Lucas. I hope Skywalker Ranch erupts into Waco-like flames.

3. Lastly, my favorite part of today came when Mos Def called out Usher's and Justin Bieber's weird, vaguely incestuous, kind of creepy mentorship relationship with this perfect tweet: "I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher." Classy, sir. Classy. It's like this one time my boyfriend showed me a video of Mos Def being all sketchy and high at a record store.



How can you NOT love him? I imagine him and James Franco hanging out all the time, mimicking the high faces Franco made during the Oscars this weekend. So. Fucking. High.

+ EDIT: The boyfriend informs me this can't be Mos Def's real Twitter account, because a. Mos Def is often too high to understand how to use a computer and b. probably can't "type relatively coherent sentences." Fine - but whoever is posing as Mos Def is also hilarious.

I haven't seen a face this crazed since Dave Chappelle was Tyrone.

MY GOD.


What kind of cracked-out fuckery is this? Why does Jason Segel look like he just got off a 12-day drug binge where he sucked off dealers for the best kind of coke in town? And why is Minnie Mouse his No. 1 prostitute?! This picture is fucking with a lot of my childhood memories, let me tell you. And it makes all the puppets in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" suddenly seem totally dirty ...

+ Photo courtesy of OMG! Yahoo