If Kate Winslet and Emma Watson do a cosmetics ad together I will annihilate something.

I refuse to call Wednesday "Hump Day," because I think a. humping is gross b. yeah. c. if you're humping, why wouldn't you just have sex already? d. I don't get it.

And yet, HERE WE ARE. Tomorrow I leave town to attend my brother's medical school graduation ceremony, so if you don't see any posts by me until Saturday, contain your tears. I know it's tough. It will tear you apart, probably. BUT POWER THROUGH. I'll be back this weekend.

Until then, have this.

1. Pink - whose awful hair I commented on in a recent post - admits her new hair sucks, and goes the easy route: blaming it on the hairstylist. As one of my friends pointed out, she looks like Mrs. Roper with the new hair and the caftan. I should have loved that, since Mrs. Roper had amazing outfits like this ...


... and this ...


... but on Pink, the caftan + shitty hair = not as good. Maybe she'll let her hair grow out and will hopefully go to another hairdresser next time. May I suggest someone who doesn't suck?

2. Did anyone else know that Carson Daly's show was still on the air? Prepare to have your mind blown even more: NBC just picked it up for an 11th season. ELEVEN. YEARS. It's amazing to realize that Daly has managed to stay relevant that long, and it's horrible that the only thing I can really tell you about all his time in the spotlight is that he's lost some weight since his "TRL" days. See?


Anyway, I miss nothing about "TRL" but the Backstreet Boys. I didn't have cable when "TRL" was on the air so I used to make my friends record episodes for me - ON VHS! - so I could watch them later. I still think I have this music video on tape somewhere.



3. I've always been jealous of Emma Watson - those legs! that daring pixie haircut! - and now I'm EVEN MORE JEALOUS that she LEFT her education at Brown University to go be the new face of Lancôme. Here's a picture of her shooting an ad in Paris earlier this week:


You know what makes me most angry, though? KATE WINSLET, FEMALE ICON OF MY LIFE, ALSO WORKS FOR LANCOME.


Meaning that Emma Watson and Kate Winslet will probably get to hang out and be friends and do British things together. I AM SO JEALOUS I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPS TO CONVEY MY FEELINGS OF ENVY AND RAGE.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, 4.bp.blogspot.com, www.starling-fitness.com, justjared.buzznet.com, models.com

I command music videos to amuse me.

How the fuck is this day dragging on so long? Utter pain. I've translated this boredom into watching music videos at work. Duh.

Here are some thoughts:

GREAT: Good Charlotte, "Last Night"



Good Charlotte teams up with the "Funny or Die" crew and MARC SUMMERS, who used to host "Double Dare" back in the day and now hosts "Unwrapped" on the Food Network, to give me a flashback to how great that show was. I'm also digging the weird "Super Mario Bros." vibe with all the matching outfits. I could have rocked that show. Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker knows what I'm talking about.

Also, I TOTALLY MISS "Secrets of the Cryptkeeper’s Haunted House," which used to be on Saturday mornings and which I KNEW I COULD WIN as a child. Remember the logo?


And the Cryptkeeper?


All you had to do in the final round was find those skulls in the haunted house and stack them up! The kids who lost were useless bitches.

HMM: Jessie J, "Mama Knows Best," on "Saturday Night Live" March 12



This is so enthralling that I can't stop watching. I want Jessie J to choreograph everyone's dance moves. Do you think she rehearsed all this? I can only imagine what the fuck the "SNL" crew thought during those moments - especially during her possessed faces during the end. Call an exorcist! I'm not saying she's bad, it's just so energetic and obviously off-the-cuff (I hope). I will keep watching this on mute for maximum enjoyment.

BLERGH: Chris Brown feat. Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne, "Look at Me Now"



So it makes me really upset that Diplo made this beat (you can see him for a few seconds mugging in the beginning of the video, and here he is posing with the Delorean featured in the vid) ...


... because it's so good and because I hate Chris Brown so much, and therefore have to disrespect Diplo for working with him. Diplo is yet another one of my white-trash love affairs from afar, even though the one time I interviewed him a few years ago he wasn't the nicest/most talkative guy (I can't find the story online, boo). I do remember that I asked him why he was in jail the night before and he refused to talk about it and then was snippy the entire rest of the interview. Awesome.

REGARDLESS, I still can't stand Chris Brown, years removed from the Rihanna "mishap," as he calls it (yes, I know he later tried to clear up what he said, but the guy is still an idiot). And, this video is just stupid. Why are the slutty girls dancing on Nintendo controllers? Why does Chris Brown have the need to constantly talk about his dick? And the line "ladies love me" DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS ONE BLOGGER, LET ME TELL YOU.

So have I lost a little respect for Diplo? Of course. His hotness, however, has never been in question. And my moral ambiguity just made me feel totally shitty.

+ Photos courtesy of tvrage.com, bothersbar.co.uk, cdn.rap-up.com

Probly the only time Gary Oldman and Snooki will be mentioned in the same place.

I've been at work for more than five hours - and I still have five hours to go - and it's killing me. Mondays + Daylight Savings Time = terrible. If I could sneak to my car and take a nap, that'd be tight.

Until then, I will comment on things that are meaningless to most of the world. It's all I know how to do.

1. I'll be honest, I've smirked a lot over Charlie Sheen's recent crazy (I'm not linking to anything regarding it because if you didn't already know about it I can't explain it to you in such a brief space). But I did get depressed after reading this essay on why Alice in Chains member Mike Starr, who recently died after a stint on "Celebrity Rehab," should give us more insight as to Sheen's bizarro antics. Sheen's an addict, so I shouldn't laugh at his behavior - no matter how many times he says "winning." But one of my favorite authors Bret Easton Ellis also points out that Sheen is giving us what we want out of celebrities, which is pretty depressing but also pretty accurate. Shame on us, yo.

2. I had to see "Red Riding Hood" last week (you should read my review if you didn't already), and the film underperformed at the box office, which is a welcome relief. (Sadly, so did "Mars Needs Moms," which I actually thought was pretty good.) Anyway, you don't have to sit through the awful of "Red Riding Hood" to get a peek at Gary Oldman's great purple-velvet-dress-cloak outfit from the film - and some other great Oldman outfits, counted down by io9.

Look at him filming "Red Riding Hood" - so damn purple!


And back during "Dracula" - so damn creepy!


And that fucking hair!


Seriously, the list is amazing, and so are Oldman's outfits. And they're often quite feminine, despite Oldman's grizzled old-manliness - the sign of a great actor! See him licking that blood off a recently used razor? Nauseating cinematic legend!

3. Arcade Fire releases a trailer of their 30-minute short-film, "Scenes from the Suburbs," which they worked on with Spike Jonze (who also collaborated with them on their video for the single "The Suburbs") and which (duh) shares the name of their Grammy-winning third album. Look, here's a clip! Supposedly the whole thing is coming to DVD eventually.



4. Things for Urban Outfitters, which is facing plummeting stock prices because of their poor profits recently, keep getting worse: the Associated Press is now suing the store for using an AP picture of President Obama, which freelance photographer Mannie Garcia took for the AP in 2006 ...


... (which artist Shepard Fairey then made into the "Hope" poster, which became pretty legendary) ...


... without their permission on T-shirts. AP already was in a legal wrangle with Fairey for using the image, so it's not surprising that Urban Outfitters would be next.

5. Lastly, and probably most depressingly, have now seen more of Snooki's body than I ever wanted to. Or, look for more photos here. I could make fun of her but honestly I just want to give her a better-fitting bikini bottom. Maybe not boyshorts? Anything that wouldn't create a wedgie would basically work, because the amount that my eyes hate me - and my sympathy for Snooki and the woes of overweight girls everywhere - are both now reaching optimum levels. BITCH YOU'RE RICH, BUY SOMETHING THAT FITS.

+ Photos courtesy of www.movieline.com, www.empireonline.com, media.sfx.co.uk, www.williscreative.com, www.doobybrain.com

Maybe they just look alike because they're both Italian?

Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:



And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?


I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:

"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."

Such a bitch! (She also bizarrely mocked Gaga for getting "burger money" in an interview with NME). So start fighting, you overpaid limelight-lovers. You give my life meaning - well, at least content for this damn blog.

+ Photo courtesy of The Independent

I know it wasn't a Monday, but it feels like one.

You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.

Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:

1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.



2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:



God, such brilliance. Well yeah, the remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan is going to have a song by Smith ... and Justin Bieber. Fuck you, prepubescent teen bitches who love him. HE IS NOT THE BEST. I pray for the day that kid comes out of the closet and dickslaps all your dreams of being together in the face. ... Eww, Justin Bieber's penis. OK, I'm going to switch subjects now.

3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?


I'm pretty sure the Kardashians are only having babies to get more magazine covers, by the way. Oh, and so Khloe can eat whatever the fuck she wants. God, that woman is massive - really, having Kim as a sister isn't doing her any favors.

4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.

5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?


I mean, DAMN FANTASIA. I know you won "American Idol" and then basically melted into a hot mess, but it looks like you're actually melting while performing at the BVI Music Festival this past weekend? And that combined with such a large amount of backfat is really just revolting - impressively so, actually.

+ Photos courtesy of RealLyrics, Crunk and Disorderly

Ciara's ability to gyrate her torso is mesmerizing.

I have always felt like Ciara is trying to claw her way to the top of the R&B heap, and I feel like if she could, she would rip out Rihanna's eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.

But in terms of just straight-out fucking crazy, Kelis wins, right? Watch these three videos: Rihanna does the whole fake lesbian thing with "Te Amo," Ciara astounds with her ability to booty-pop in "Ride" and Kelis ... well, bitch is just insane. I get that her and Nas just got their divorce finalized, but he is supposed to pay $44,000 a MONTH in child support! I feel like when you're sitting on that kind of money, you shouldn't be in this fucking weird. The world doesn't need another Lady Gaga.

Rihanna, "Te Amo" -



Ciara, "Ride" -



Kelis, "Acapella" -

So, about that ...

Things that should be vaguely offensive:

Rihanna in blackface,



and Beyonce mimicking 1950s white culture.



And I don't mean that because like, OH NO, A BLACK WOMAN CAN'T CREATE ALLUSIONS TO MARILYN MONROE, but more like, what? Where is this fascination of hers with Bettie Page and and Monroe coming from all of a sudden? I just don't get it.

Or maybe I'm too cracked out to form coherent thoughts. Sleep, come to me! Seriously, I want that.

P.S. I must add that I find it seriously creepy to see Rihanna all dolled up in pleather and BDSM-themed gear, and then see her dressed like Slash a few seconds later. What? You're telling me that Def Jam could call up Travis Barker and have him randomly appear in this video, but not actually have the guitarist featured on the damn song show up? Bad form, people.

Fucking GROSS.

All I have to fucking say is, who thinks to themselves, "I want to grow up and be a sexy crow? CAW!! CAW!!"

Because if you think that, fuck you. And fuck Miley Cyrus, too.



P.S. I'm not even going to point out the blatant stupidity of Cyrus singing about how she can't be tamed ... and then she's still in the fucking cage. Patriarchy? Misogyny? Retardery? I don't even have any other words that end in "y" that FULFILL MY RAGE.

You're all idiots.

Dear Washington Post,

Why do you even bother printing this piece, which rounds up four useless opinions from the Style section's music writers on M.I.A.'s latest song, "Born Free," when all the opinions are, well, fucking useless? Great, they think her use of violence is just gathering up buzz for her upcoming album - instead of, you know, in line with the same political opinions she's given on her previous two albums. I know my boyfriend will argue that she's dumb for making an expensive clothing line and naming her kid something stupid, but that doesn't really seem all that relevant to the Post's dumb thoughts.

And somehow, the video for "Born Free" is more offensive to the Post than similar hypocrisies by people they like, such as Lady Gaga, who uses making out with people of the same sex basically for the same reason? God, you all fucking suck.

Pissed-off-ly,

- Me.

I wish M.I.A. didn't break up with Diplo/didn't have a baby/was me/etc.

I really can't decide if I love M.I.A.'s new video for "Born Free" or not.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

It's already gotten lots of hype because it's so violent (if you don't want to watch it, Rolling Stone breaks it down), and Entertainment Weekly reports that M.I.A.'s rep says she doesn't want to comment on it. And I kind of get it. In fact, I actually really like the idea of using gingers, so arbitrarily hated by society, as a substitute for other stupid decisions on behalf of the bloodthirsty American people. Blah blah blah, analysis criticism analysis. But at the end of the day, can't I just hear M.I.A. singing the damn song? Or get a cameo from Diplo?


I'm really shallow sometimes. I just want to see that hot piece's face. White trash, you are my destiny.

EDIT: The full song is really, really good. And Diplo produced it. I am happy again.

+ Photo courtesy of Rollo & Grady

Pants gone horribly wrong!!!

OK, so I promise this is my last Usher-related post of the day. But this is more focused on will.i.am, so screw you guys.



So ... after watching the video, did anyone else notice that will.i.am is wearing drop-crotch harem pants? Like, the ones that Rihanna and Diane Kruger have worn? I remember he had worn them at some post-Oscar event ...


... and that GoFugYourself wrote about it, BUT this is now a repeat offense that must be stopped. THESE PANTS DON'T LOOK GOOD ON ANYONE. And I refuse to believe that his junk is big enough that he needs such a baggy crotch. That just can't be true.

+ Photo courtesy of GoFugYourself

An angry list of things that bring me anger.

I'm trying not to be a Debbie Downer today, but too many things are annoying me. So here, in one fell swoop, everything that's stupid.

This is why I don't take vacations: Because some Leesburg guy tried to bomb a cruise ship. What the fuck! All those people tanning? A travesty.

This is why I don't want kids: Because some 11-year-old kid killed his dad's pregnant fiancee with a shotgun. Bad parenting? Nature vs. nurture? Fuck if I know, but I don't even want to chance being responsible for a kid who then murders someone I love. BAD IDEA.

This is why I hate Tim Burton: Since his version of "Alice in Wonderland" made a shitton of money, he's now considering remaking "Sleeping Beauty." With Angelina Jolie as Maleficent. Like, I'm definitely on Team Brangelina and everything, but I just can't see Angelina as this woman:


It's just not working for me.

This is why I can't stop eating ice cream: Because scientists are now considering a crippling love of junk food to be like, an actual addiction. I guess all my jokes about cupcakes being my crack were unfortunately true.

This is why I think rich people are awful: Because Jamie McCourt, the estranged wife of the owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball team (she's standing next to Posh below) ...


... is trying to argue in her divorce settlement that she deserves $1 million a MONTH in spousal support. Yes kids, ONE MILLION DOLLARS a fucking month. That works out to $33,333 a day. That amount, in a day, is more than I make a fucking year at my job. There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE.

This is why I will never watch the MTV Movie Awards again: They are now allowing the public to nominate specific films for consideration, so that any film from 2009 can be up for any category. What is the point of having critics and people organizing an awards show if NO ONE is organizing the nominees? And this means that every category will be inundated with requests for "New Moon," right? UGH American youth, you are the WORST.

This is why I'm not really that excited about next year's family trip to Iran my parents keep pushing: Because going there and knowing that so many people, like its gay community, are subjugated and fucked over will probably put a damper on my trip. I'm not that excited about eating pomegranates and kabob when I hate the government so fucking much, you know?

This is why I don't feel that good about riding the Metro: Because there were four rapes on Metro property so far this year, and though WMATA officials say "there was an intent" to tell the public about them, they didn't. I feel so much better about my safety.

And, to end on a lighter note, this is why Usher's "Lil Freak" is my jam: Because videos with shady underground clubs, orchestras and Ciara are so bad they're good.



Don't worry, I still can't stand Nicki Menaj, especially in her first solo video, "Massive Attack." (A cameo by Amber Rose? REALLY?)



But back to "Lil Freak," anything with Usher will give me joy. He's just so dreamy!

+ Photos courtesy of LordWhat'sMyMotivation, the Atlanta Journal Constitution

My last rage-fueled post ... at least for a couple of hours.

I have moments where I really, really like Lil Wayne, and more moments where I really, really like Eminem; he reminds me of a simpler time, like before it was 2010. This music video for "Drop the World" is a pretty solid demonstration of that breakdown.



Angry Eminem? Great. But this video is also filled with angry skater punks who seem more well-suited to a Rise Against video, and since this is Lil Wayne's track, I'm going to hazard a guess and say he thought such a group of hipster-ish youngsters would fit better with that whole him-becoming-a-rock-star thing. Negative, sir. Tim McIlrath wants his concept back.

P.S. He is more attractive than both of you. Enjoy your time in prison, Weezy.

Nicki Minaj, you are like Lil Kim's trashier doppelganger.

Also, in my sleep-lacking haze, I've decided that Nicki Minaj is doing more for setting women back than like, actual misogynists.

Evidence:



Yup, she did just say her flow is "tighter than a dick in the butt" and that she "never let a D-boy boink for free."Oh, and she also said she's Muslim. I'm sorry, what? On behalf of my people, I vote we kick her out. We're good without epic slorebags, thanks.

Vampire Weekend, another white thing I like.

2 a.m. Can't sleep. Turned on mtvU. Was met by the best, most bizarre music video I've sen in a very fucking long time.



Vampire Weekend. Plus RZA. Plus Joe Jonas. Plus Daft Punk. Plus Jake Gyllenhaal. Plus Lil Jon. WTF IS GOING ON MY BRAIN HURTS I LOVE THIS. Fuck your "Telephone" shit, Gaga! This is the way to my heart.