An excuse to talk about Jon Hamm's face.

I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.

1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.


Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.

2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.


Word on the street is Hill is losing weight to star in the upcoming adaptation of "21 Jump Street," which should come out in 2012, and while I commend his 30-pound slim-down so far, I ALSO think his weight loss further accentuates his super-awkward body. His legs are so thin! But he still has a double chin! I don't get it, it's weird, DISLIKE. Get back to me when you lose enough weight to look like a real person, like Seth Rogen did (before he started gaining it back again).

3. Tom Felton at the Empire Awards, sponsored by Jameson, in London on Sunday.


What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.

4. Chloe Moretz at the first Annual Comedy Awards in New York City on Saturday.


Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.

5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.


Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

If Kate Winslet and Emma Watson do a cosmetics ad together I will annihilate something.

I refuse to call Wednesday "Hump Day," because I think a. humping is gross b. yeah. c. if you're humping, why wouldn't you just have sex already? d. I don't get it.

And yet, HERE WE ARE. Tomorrow I leave town to attend my brother's medical school graduation ceremony, so if you don't see any posts by me until Saturday, contain your tears. I know it's tough. It will tear you apart, probably. BUT POWER THROUGH. I'll be back this weekend.

Until then, have this.

1. Pink - whose awful hair I commented on in a recent post - admits her new hair sucks, and goes the easy route: blaming it on the hairstylist. As one of my friends pointed out, she looks like Mrs. Roper with the new hair and the caftan. I should have loved that, since Mrs. Roper had amazing outfits like this ...


... and this ...


... but on Pink, the caftan + shitty hair = not as good. Maybe she'll let her hair grow out and will hopefully go to another hairdresser next time. May I suggest someone who doesn't suck?

2. Did anyone else know that Carson Daly's show was still on the air? Prepare to have your mind blown even more: NBC just picked it up for an 11th season. ELEVEN. YEARS. It's amazing to realize that Daly has managed to stay relevant that long, and it's horrible that the only thing I can really tell you about all his time in the spotlight is that he's lost some weight since his "TRL" days. See?


Anyway, I miss nothing about "TRL" but the Backstreet Boys. I didn't have cable when "TRL" was on the air so I used to make my friends record episodes for me - ON VHS! - so I could watch them later. I still think I have this music video on tape somewhere.



3. I've always been jealous of Emma Watson - those legs! that daring pixie haircut! - and now I'm EVEN MORE JEALOUS that she LEFT her education at Brown University to go be the new face of Lancôme. Here's a picture of her shooting an ad in Paris earlier this week:


You know what makes me most angry, though? KATE WINSLET, FEMALE ICON OF MY LIFE, ALSO WORKS FOR LANCOME.


Meaning that Emma Watson and Kate Winslet will probably get to hang out and be friends and do British things together. I AM SO JEALOUS I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPS TO CONVEY MY FEELINGS OF ENVY AND RAGE.

+ Photos courtesy of 3.bp.blogspot.com, 4.bp.blogspot.com, www.starling-fitness.com, justjared.buzznet.com, models.com

Eye candy.

Few things are giving me joy today. So instead, I must take happiness from the nerdiest of places. Behold, my geekiness:

1. Official pictures of what the Harry Potter theme park is supposed to look like ARE NOW AVAILABLE. I now want to buy my ticket immediately.

Dumbledore's office. Fucking sweet.


A rollercoaster called "Flight of the Hippogriff." I'm down.


Hogsmeade ...


... and HONEYDUKES. Which means candy. Which means I'm fat. Oh well, no surprises there.


2. Also exciting? This list of the most anticipated movies of 2010. Some of these movies sucked ("Alice in Wonderland," I'm looking at you), but there are a few others I'm pretty psyched for:

Robin Hood, May 14. I don't know, I like Russell Crowe in things that look epic. "Gladiator" had a huge effect on me. Fuck you, deal with it.


Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, May 28. Am I actually excited about this movie? No. Will I go and heckle it mercilessly? Yes. I expected better of you, Jake Gyllenhaal.


The A-Team, June 11. Bradley Cooper and Sharlto Copley in one place? Yeah, I'll take it.


Inception, June 18. Leo + Christopher Nolan = Love.


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, November 19. Why do I have to wait this fucking long for this movie?


Tron Legacy, December 17. And for this one? Something is wrong with the world.


3. I'm no longer excited, since I have to wait so long for "Harry Potter" and "Tron Legacy." Great. I'm going back to my shitty day.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies

Fantasy novels, ice cream and murder. All in one place!

So there's good news, and there's bad news.

THE GOOD

1. I've seen commercials for the Harry Potter theme park ...



... but now there's a definite announcement that it will open June 18 in Orlando. FUCK YES I want to go. Apparently they're already selling packages: "Four-night packages, which include an on-site hotel room, park tickets and various amenities, start at $645 per adult or $1,548 for a family of four." I don't need a family of four! I have $645! Anyone with me on this pipe dream?!

2. Yup, Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" has admitted that she is in a lesbian relationship. Does this mean their coupling will be on the upcoming season? Fuck I hope so. I need those damn housewives, because ...

3. MTV announced today that this upcoming season of "The Hills," which premieres on April 27, will be its last. Fucking FINALLY. I'm so sick of looking at these two slorebags.


OK, was anyone forcing me to watch the show? No. But I wanted to see what Kristin got up to! And it was nothing! She's boring! I need more drama. MORE DRAMA. And she didn't deliver. So thank the gods it's almost over.

4. Tom Shales from The Washington Post wrote this column the other day tearing apart ABC's decision to hire Christiane Amanpour for the hosting gig on "This Week," and I found it retardedly stupid. I normally agree with Shales's opinions on TV-happenings, so it was bizarre for me. Thankfully, Glenn Greenwald from Salon agreed with me and wrote a response column that it way better formulated than mine could have ever been. Probably because he doesn't stoop to profanity, like I inevitably would have.

THE BAD

1. Well, I'm fucked. According to this story by The Los Angeles Times, women need to work out an hour a day to maintain their weight throughout their lifetime, and work out about 90 minutes a day to lose weight. When the fuck am I going to find 60 to 90 minutes in my day? Sure, I could quit updating this thing. But then where would I get joy, ice cream? That seems like a self-defeating cycle. Mmm. Ice cream.

2. But in even more bad news for my fattery, President Obama's health care legislation triumph also stipulates that calorie information be posted at most chains, including those restaurants that offer buffets. Doesn't America understand that I don't want to know how many calories I'm eating when I'm scarfing down sushi like it's my job? ... This is why I'm fat.

3. I mean, I know everyone has problems with their parents. But hiring a hitman to kill your dad, after getting permission from your mom? ... Umm, that's fucked up. Way to live up to "The Godfather," lady.

+ Photos courtesy of InsideCelebrityWorld

Rounding on up.

Happy things of today:

- Even though Kanye West personally called Taylor Swift to apologize for his epic douchery, he still counts as a humongous jerk. Nevertheless, this performance of "Run This Town" on the premiere of Jay Leno's new show Monday was pretty OK (oh, and West's crying when Leno grilled him didn't hurt). Rihanna's crazy get-up helps, of course.



- HOLY FUCKING SHIT details about the Harry Potter theme park, which will be open to visitors in spring 2010! I've never been to a real theme park - I've had two day trips to Six Flags since middle school, but that's about it, and the idea of swigging butterbeer until I vomit is sooo appealing right now.

Annoying things of today:

- Guillermo del Toro, one of my favorite directors and overall crazy bitches, is teaming up with Disney for a new line of scary stuff for kids. NOT COOL, Guillermo. You're supposed to hurry up and finish "The Hobbit," not dream up partnerships with the most corporate company ever. Lamezies.

- There's a he-said, she-said going down at The Washington Post over why a story for its Sunday magazine was cut. Supposedly, the Post's publisher said the story was too depressing and not what readers wanted - and lo and behold, it gets bumped off. Is this really how we're going to save journalism? I hope not.

- Similarly, Michael Moore can derelick my balls. Newspapers "slit their own throats" because of corporate greed? No, dude. The Internet exploded, and in fact, newspapers CAN'T seem to find a way to make money off of that, actually. So fuck your shit, sir. If this is really the way you have to publicize your new documentary, then that's all kinds of pathetic.

- Naming a pair of black satin crop pants the "Black Flag Pants" in order to make them sound cool is not OK. Henry Rollins would kick your ass. Look at the muscles in this man's neck alone - he does not fucking play.


- Drew Barrymore needs to just end this madness. What is this dress? I feel like she took a pack of black felt-tip pens and just went crazy. If that's all it takes to be fashionable, then shit, I'm cooler than I thought.


Obsessed things of today:

- Oooh.

Jeffrey Campbell Neon Oxfords, $108

- Oooh TIMES TWO.

Silence and Noise Studded Faux Leather Blazer, $128

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Sonoma State University, Nasty Gal Vintage, Urban Outfitters

Warner Brothers, why so serious?!

I find this move by Warner Brothers - naming "Harry Potter" brand manager Diane Nelson head of its DC Comics unit - so, so stupid. I get that Warner Brothers is now shitting in their pants because Disney acquired Marvel. Fine, that sucks. But you guys made "The Dark Knight!" The DARK FUCKING KNIGHT. What the hell do you have to fear?

This picture may be of Heath Ledger clapping. But the Joker DOES NOT APPROVE.


+ Photo courtesy of IMDB

Harry Potter, Harry Potter! Harry Potter, Harry Potter - that's me!

Back in freshman year of college I took American Studies 203: Pop Culture in America, and for this exceedingly labor-intensive class, we studied seven areas of pop culture - music, film, books, TV, etc. - picked something from each and wrote a 15-page paper on the themes it contains and what those mean both about the creator of the material and the society that consumes it. My book of choice, after considering doing "The Kite Runner" and realizing that I couldn't write about a book I fully despise for mostly these reasons, was "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," which had come out a few months before.

One of my main points: J.K. Rowling's description of The Daily Prophet and how her negative depiction of the media must subtly suggest her own dislike, and, that Rita Skeeter is meant to symbolize all those mud-slinging, Stephen Glass- and Jayson Blair-esque journalists that probably stalk the crap out of her life. Hey, it didn't have to be true, it just had to be what I guessed.

But now, with a recent study suggesting that Harry Potter readers show a greater dislike of the press because of how Skeeter displays "a complete disregard for accuracy, truthfulness and objectivity," I feel disappointingly vindicated. I may have gotten an A in that class (yay!), but now part of the reason the journalism industry (which I've adored since watching and reading "All the President's Men") is failing could be because those obsessed little kids with Sharpie lightning scars on their foreheads can't bother to pick up a paper. Awesome.

I leave you with this:

GODS:














TRICK-ASS BITCH:



+ Photos courtesy of IMDB