Friday, March 26, 2010

From Hilton to Harlow.

I feel like among all the trashy socialites/famous celebrity spawn in Hollywood, I have to respect Nicole Richie. She used to be a trashbox who looked like this and hung out with Paris Hilton; now she's a respectable adult in a stable relationship with Joel Madden (of all fucking people) and the mother of two daughters, including 2-year-old Harlow, who apparently goes to toddler exercise classes, which I find hilarious:


And she also has an accessory line, House of Harlow, which is named after her first daughter. But there's something about the shoes in the line, which recently were released, that are just not doing it for me:

Pearl Scaled Leather Heel, $225


Rooney Strappy Heel, $225


Misha Boot, $275


Tan Maddie Moccasin Bootie, $225


Kind of janky, no? They kind of ooze Forever 21 to me, especially the latter two. Like, the first two? OK, if they were free, I'd wear them. But the others, not even a bargain bin price could get those on my feet. But like ... I still approve of Nicole Richie's life. Not everyone can bounce back from Paris Hilton unscathed, you know?

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Kitson

Those crazy Cyruses.

I made the mistake of suffering through a screening of "The Last Song" last night. Since Nicholas Sparks writes the exact same fucking book every time, I pretty much knew what was going to happen ... and then it did. Nothing compares to "The Notebook," so no, I didn't really enjoy "The Last Song." Or Miley Cyrus's attempt to act.

... Or her family, here at the Los Angeles premiere of the flick.


Like, WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE. Why does Billy Ray always kind of look like a pedophile? Why does little Noah look like she wants to rip off that dress and lip-synch to slutty songs?



And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, why does Trace exist?


I understand that he's adopted and probably has some need to act out to prove that he's different and unique and all that crap. But holy crap, that kid seems like a douchebag.

Oh, and lastly:


Miley's boyfriend and co-star in the flick, Liam Hemsworth, is far too hot for her. That is all.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Well, duh.

It's a Friday. I guess I shouldn't be expecting any news that will titillate me into the weekend, but really, all of these news items are just not that shocking.

1. Beyonce denies being pregnant. Of course she does. She also denied being with Jay-Z for like, months, even when everyone in the world knew that was happening. So maybe she is pregnant. Fuck if I know. But if she is, then her baby is going to demand lots of explanations from good ol' B, like why the fuck the video for "Telephone" was so weird.



Seriously, I want to know too, thx.

2. Sandra Bullock won't be attending this weekend's Kids' Choice Awards. According to this story in US Weekly, her rep says she never planned on being there anyway, but since she's been backing out of tons of appearances since all this crap with her husband broke out, it wouldn't be that much to assume Bullock thought about going and then nixed when she learned her husband may be a huge womanizing asshole.


No longer such happy days. Thanks for making this kind of douchery OK, Tiger.

3. And lastly, MSNBC reports that the infamous Salahis are still being considered to be on "The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.," which seems like ... really old news?


Granted, this MSNBC story keeps referring to this piece by The Daily Beast that assures readers they have sources confirming the Salahis' appearance, but nearly every single story The Washington Post did on the couple last year, like this one and this one and this one, mentioned that the couple were contenders for the show and would probably be on it, based on how janky and trashy Bravo is. OK, the Post didn't call Bravo janky and trashy. That was all me, and I'm a fan, so it's OK.

+ Photos courtesy of Avagacser, ABC News

Worst idea of today.

Dear person who approved the live-action adaptation of "Marmaduke,"



Fuck you.

- Me.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Is Jeffrey Campbell a real man? Can I marry him?

So I was like, super-excited about buying these.

And then they sold out in the three hours that I wasn't sitting in front of my computer yesterday. Awesome. I considered weeping, etc.

But then I got to thinking: Maybe this is some kind of sign from the shoe-gods that I don't need to look like a member of Orgy (the BAND, don't be afraid to click) this spring. Maybe I don't need to be stomping around in super-high black leather boots. Perhaps, instead, I should be flouncing around in similarly super-high clogs or something:



And like, I guess they're cute, but I just don't know if I want them. Do I trust myself in five-inch heels? Doubtful.

Sigh. Let's be honest about my stupidity. They'll probably be shipping to me by next week. Whomp whomp.

+ Photos courtesy of Solestruck, LorisShoes, Nordstrom

God bless America, maybe?

You know, I mock America a lot, but I'm pretty sure democracy may actually be failing when stupid shit like this happens. You know, when some guy think it's OK to fire on another guy's car, on the fucking Beltway I drive every day, with his daughter in the car. Really? Here are the details:

"[Gabriel] Poventud threw open the door of his silver Jaguar on the shoulder of the highway where the truck also was stopped and began shooting, police said, with his 2-year-old daughter inside in her car seat.

Over four miles and 20 minutes the two drivers drove recklessly and in a rage, state police allege, with Poventud's 2-year-old daughter in her car seat during the ride. Four bullets "would have hit the cab if they had penetrated the dump bed," a state trooper has said in a complaint filed in court."

Good job, guy. Really, just phenomenal.

Another example: Students' progress nationwide has stalled behind No Child Left Behind, meaning that despite all the funding that's been pumped into the initiative, kids nationwide really aren't reading any better:

"When Bush signed the law, hopes were high for a revolution in reading. Billions of dollars were spent, especially in early grades, to build fluency, vocabulary, comprehension and a love of books that would propel students in all subjects. The goal was to eliminate racial and ethnic achievement gaps. But Wednesday's report shows no great leaps for the nation and stubborn disparities in performance between white and black students, among others."

What does this mean? I'm going to go with "parents not spending enough time with their children and therefore not encouraging reading and leading their child down a path of illiteracy." Maybe I'm wrong. But I grew up in a house where Saturday morning visits to the public library happened every week, reading was encouraged everywhere (even at the dinner table) and my parents wanted me to read everything, from newspapers to magazines to paperbacks.

And I'm not saying that not spending time with your kids is a problem specific to any class or race - my rich cousins who are both cardiologists make about $500k a year but their kids haven't even read "Harry Potter," because they're too busy playing on the laptops their dad bought them for their 8th and 6th birthday, respectively. Maybe if reading was more encouraged both at home and in school, something would change. But I'm doubting it.

And lastly, I'm all down for vigilante justice. I'm a big fan of Batman. Yup, this guy.


But I'm thinking that crazy conservatives and tea party activists or whatever the fuck else they call themselves resorting to violence and threats against elected officials that voted for the health care legislation Obama put forth aren't citizen heroes, they're douchebags. Are you really going to criticize other countries that follow bizarre legal codes, like Islamic law, but then think it's cool to threaten someone's life because they voted for a bill you don't agree with? You're a fucking idiot.

The only thing giving me hope is that an Ann Coulter speech at the University of Ottowa was canceled due to protests against her. You could say that I'm speaking out of both sides of my mouth, since these protestors were threatening Coulter too, but I think there's a big difference between being against a speaker who only spits venom against people of different religious and sexual orientations and attempting violence against an elected official who is trying to help their constituents. You da best, Canada.

+ Photo courtesy of SparkTV

Fantasy novels, ice cream and murder. All in one place!

So there's good news, and there's bad news.

THE GOOD

1. I've seen commercials for the Harry Potter theme park ...



... but now there's a definite announcement that it will open June 18 in Orlando. FUCK YES I want to go. Apparently they're already selling packages: "Four-night packages, which include an on-site hotel room, park tickets and various amenities, start at $645 per adult or $1,548 for a family of four." I don't need a family of four! I have $645! Anyone with me on this pipe dream?!

2. Yup, Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" has admitted that she is in a lesbian relationship. Does this mean their coupling will be on the upcoming season? Fuck I hope so. I need those damn housewives, because ...

3. MTV announced today that this upcoming season of "The Hills," which premieres on April 27, will be its last. Fucking FINALLY. I'm so sick of looking at these two slorebags.


OK, was anyone forcing me to watch the show? No. But I wanted to see what Kristin got up to! And it was nothing! She's boring! I need more drama. MORE DRAMA. And she didn't deliver. So thank the gods it's almost over.

4. Tom Shales from The Washington Post wrote this column the other day tearing apart ABC's decision to hire Christiane Amanpour for the hosting gig on "This Week," and I found it retardedly stupid. I normally agree with Shales's opinions on TV-happenings, so it was bizarre for me. Thankfully, Glenn Greenwald from Salon agreed with me and wrote a response column that it way better formulated than mine could have ever been. Probably because he doesn't stoop to profanity, like I inevitably would have.

THE BAD

1. Well, I'm fucked. According to this story by The Los Angeles Times, women need to work out an hour a day to maintain their weight throughout their lifetime, and work out about 90 minutes a day to lose weight. When the fuck am I going to find 60 to 90 minutes in my day? Sure, I could quit updating this thing. But then where would I get joy, ice cream? That seems like a self-defeating cycle. Mmm. Ice cream.

2. But in even more bad news for my fattery, President Obama's health care legislation triumph also stipulates that calorie information be posted at most chains, including those restaurants that offer buffets. Doesn't America understand that I don't want to know how many calories I'm eating when I'm scarfing down sushi like it's my job? ... This is why I'm fat.

3. I mean, I know everyone has problems with their parents. But hiring a hitman to kill your dad, after getting permission from your mom? ... Umm, that's fucked up. Way to live up to "The Godfather," lady.

+ Photos courtesy of InsideCelebrityWorld

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

BE OVER, TUESDAY!

The weather is somewhat dreary; I'm somewhat bored; time to post on this bitch. So really fast, the three things that are making me look toward the window longingly and want to evaporate away from the dumbness of today:

1. Sarah Palin's reality show is probably getting picked up by the Discovery Channel, to the fine cost of $1 million an episode. That is blasphemous, and the same price that each friend was getting paid when "Friends" was still a thing people cared about, so ... I dunno. I mean, yeah, I find Jennifer Aniston annoying. But I find Sarah Palin to be A STAIN UPON THE FUCKING EARTH. So maybe she'll fall in a hole or something. Or get ratings like Jessica Simpson's, and then Discovery will cancel the show. Either works for me.

2. Despite all those rumors that John Krasinski would get the part, Marvel has announced that Chris Evans will claim the role of Captian America in an upcoming film adaptation of the comic. How wonderfully underwhelming. You remember Chris Evans, right?


This douche that was in those two "Fantastic Four" movies, which Rotten Tomatoes can attest were fucking horrible? The only really good thing Evans has to his credit is Danny Boyle's "Sunshine," which I'm pretty sure only my boyfriend and I saw. Plus, is Captain America now not going to be brawny and look like this?


Because a jacked-as-fuck Captain America is the only kind I know, and if he turns into some lithe dude instead because that happens to be Evans's body type, that's stupid. PACK ON THE POUNDS, friend. Patriotism can only be size XXL.

3. And lastly, I found my eyes blinded this morning by the sight of these pants, now for sale at Karmaloop.



Sigh. It's like that new, slutty Strawberry Shortcake threw up on her jeans after a bad night out at da club with the Bratz dolls or something. This can't be good for America's youth/fashion sense.

+ Photos courtesy of Mayhemers, Webwombat, Karmaloop

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Oh, Hilary.

I never liked Hilary Duff.

Her relationship with Joel Madden back in the day annoyed me.


Her stint on "Gossip Girl" this past season was essentially useless.


And that picture of her blowing her boyfriend after he proposed to her, while hilarious, is also pretty mortifying. Like, you couldn't move the show inside? COME ON.


But having your career be so pathetic that you now have to star in those awful direct-to-ABC Family movies that inevitably veer into the awful end of the romantic-comedy spectrum?



Even I don't wish that upon anyone.

+ Photos courtesy of JIYH, PopCrunch, Hollywood Tuna

Weird images, galore!

I'm procrastinating on getting some work done; it's what I do best. So instead, I'm going to keep shaking my head at the bizarreness of these pictures. Trust me, you'll understand.

1. Why is Alicia Keys trying to pull a Prince here? Only that man can succeed with stupidly shaped instruments and sequined pants. ONLY HIM.


2. Is Olivia Munn wearing clothes? This confuses me. When you're known for not wearing anything, I don't understand why you would shroud yourself in some fuggo dress that is drapey and bunchy and looks like it came out of Mrs. Roper's closet. Not cool.


3. So ... has Billy Bob Thornton always been this scrawny? Maybe it's just because he's standing next to Dwayne Johnson, who is so absurdly muscular and jacked, but Billy Bob is looking real childish and effeminate here. That man-weave on his head isn't helping. Oh Angelina, Brad Pitt really WAS an upgrade in every way possible, wasn't he?


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Whoever approved this = stupid.

Perfume that smells like weed?

Somehow I don't think this is a good idea. Actually, as a former resident assistant who had to immediately call the cops if anything even smelled remotely like weed, I can GUARANTEE this isn't a good idea. Who would WANT to resemble a joint? Besides epic potheads ... who wouldn't spend money on perfume that smells like pot when they can just buy pot.

I don't think the people behind this great marketing plan really thought it through, actually.

+ Photo courtesy of Sephora

Summer could be real unfortunate.

I'm not sure what's worse: Bathing suits that are this ugly,




Or bathing suits made by Spanx.


Like, if you're worried enough about your figure that you have to wear a bathing suit created by a company whose entire purpose is to suck and tuck your body fat, shouldn't you just put $200 toward a gym membership instead? As a person with eight pints of Ben and Jerry's in her freezer, I'm saying this with your best intentions at heart.

Either way, my eyes hurt and blame me for exposing them to both this and Maryland's defeat earlier. Oh, and similarly to these see-through pants by American Apparel:


Yup, totally mesh pants. Sluts everywhere, I've found your uniform.

+ Photos courtesy of Modcloth, Victoria's Secret, American Apparel

I'm trying to transition into being called Pebbles.

Can someone lend me $500 so I can get this pair of shoes?

They're from Jeremy Scott's London Fashion Week collection that debuted in September, the one inspired by the Flintstones that was featured on this one episode of "Kell on Earth" recently:



And like, I have $10, so I don't need to borrow funding for the ENTIRE cost. .. Just most of it. Whatever, put me on a payment plan! I'm good for it! It's like bartering for rocks of crack, what I do.

+ Photo courtesy of Opening Ceremony

Defeat sucks.

So Maryland just lost this game against Michigan State, which is honestly causing me to weep profusely. Seriously, I have tears in my eyes. This is the dumbest display of emotion ever.

But other things that really shouldn't have shocked me this week include:

1. Urban Outfitters posted a record profit last year. Of course they did, they fucking have a direct line to my bank account. They're also launching a wedding line. Yet another reason for my boyfriend to never marry me.

2. Amber Rose has raging cellulite. Honestly, not a big eye-opener. More of a vomit-inducer.


3. Mark Wahlberg looks annoyingly good-looking in the trailer for "Date Night." Unlike the movie, which looks horrible. But how can I deny Marky Mark? Oh right, I can't.



+ Photo courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Open-toe shoes, I want you!

It's getting to be springtime, judging by the fact that a shitton of people are running around my neighborhood and there are puppies everywhere and it seems like children have just sprouted out of the ground to run around and scream and annoy me.

Do I sound bitter? Yes. But that's probably because I really want these and somehow can't rationalize spending money on them. They're just so goofy!

And yet I want them so much!

Ugh, first-world problems! It's all I do. That, and wish death upon Michigan State. A lot of death.

+ Photos courtesy of Free People

Terps, T-Pain, bitching.

So as I stress out watching the Maryland vs. Michigan State game today, commercials like this aren't helping.



Did I just ignore this during the Superbowl because it's so fucking stupid? Probably.

Also, if Maryland could win, that'd be great, thx.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Other events besides the Oscars - quick thoughts!

The Oscars are tomorrow, but the last week or so has been riddled with some other events, each of which had at least one picture that made me go, NO BABY JESUS NO! So here, have some rapidfire thoughts:

1. DATE: March 4. EVENT: 3rd Annual Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon. SUBJECT: Jada Pinkett-Smith.


Uh, what is going with this hair, exactly? Did Will just revert back into his "Fresh Prince" days and go all early-'90s on her? Cuz I'm really confused as to why someone, two decades after that time period, would still be rocking this ... "look?" Is that the right word here?

2. DATE: March 4. EVENT: 2010 Hollywood Reporter Oscar Nominee Reception. SUBJECT: Jeremy Renner.


STEP AWAY FROM MEL. Jeremy Renner, your career has not yet been tainted! "The Hurt Locker" is your first big break! Don't let Sugartits ruin it for you! Seriously, don't say anything about Judaism. They'd never find your body, after Mad Max is done hiding it.

3. DATE: March 4. EVENT: 3rd Annual Women in Film Pre-Oscar Party. SUBJECT: Michelle Rodriguez.


Not helping the lesbian rumors, Michelle. Not one bit.

4. DATE: March 5. EVENT: Film Independent Spirit Awards. SUBJECT: Taraji P. Henson.


Why yes, Taraji, I WOULD like to see your vag. Thanks for wearing a dress with a high-enough slit that this could be possible. I mean, it's a bad sign when Mariah Carey might even look classier than you.


Well, she's obviously wearing a dress from 1994 (it's too small for her, get it?!), but ... I'm sure you know what I mean.

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies

Pay money for this? Why?

Um, so, can someone explain the purpose of this horrible-looking necklace from the brand Haute Hippie to me?


And why it costs $475? And why it looks like this on a person, as if this girl just got really Bedazzler-happy with a lobster napkin or something?


Because ... I got nothin'.

+ Photos courtesy of ShopBop

Don't worry, this doesn't mean I've stopped hating them or anything.

I knew that the Kardashian sisters had launched a new clothing line with bebe, but I didn't know that they were promoting it by actually wearing the clothes. And by "they were promoting it," I meant, "Kim is promoting it," because I doubt Khloe's Amazonian body could fit into anything from bebe and Kourtney is recovering from pregnancy-fat. Sooo ... yeah.


And while I'm not really sure if the sisters completely ripped the line off of others (even though this article kind of seems bulletproof), I don't totally hate what they did, which is shocking for me. Some of it is totally janky, yeah, but most of it isn't awful. I know, I may be having an aneurysm.

But like, this one-shoulder wet-look dress, that Kim has worn around? Not horrible. Or a dress with some leather-inset pattern on the sleeve? Could be cheaper at Forever 21, but hey, it's not vomit-inducing. Lastly, this goddess-like wrap dress? I think I actually want it. I mean, white is a HORRIBLE color choice, but this is the Kardashians. I'm not expecting real fashion here. Let's be serious.

Also, how does one GET a cupcake line?


Cuz I eat a lot of cupcakes. And I really think Kim Kardashian doesn't. Just throwing that out there.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo, Celebuzz

Tim Burton, you have fallen from grace.

So I saw Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" earlier this week, and I gotta say, mad disappointing. Ruined all my childhood memories of the animated Disney version, mainly because Burton made the Mad Hatter breakdance. Like, what? Fuck your vision, it sucks.


Yeah, not cool at all.

The only good thing to come out of all this, I think, is that Disney Couture has a new jewelry line promoting the film. Designed by Tom Binns, who creates crazy kinds of ornate jewelry, the collection has some sweet shit, like this:

Yes, totally overpriced and NOT AT ALL WORTH the $900 pricetag, but still interesting enough. Bet you dough that Katy Perry will probably be wearing it soon enough; she often dresses up like an egg before, so this wouldn't be too weird.


The stuff that's more affordable, though, is also way more wearable. My picks would be:

I don't think I'll end up buying any of it, though. There's just something about the fact that it's designed specifically for Burton's monstrosity that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe at a sample sale, for way less than what it's being marketed at? Yeah, probably.

+ Photos courtesy of AmysRobot, Katy-Perry.org, Karmaloop, Fred Flare

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

HOLD UP

Updates coming soon, I promise! Jewelry and stupid movies and hot dudes, oh my! Just wait a little bit, children. Just a little bit ...