Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me, part 2.

It may be raining outside, but I'm too lazy to go outside and check. It snowed this morning here in the Washington, D.C., suburbs, and I would like to go on record as saying, fuck that shit. I like snow and everything, but not when it's late March and April is right around the corner and at any point it should be sunny and delightful, not moody and gloomy and snowy.

Plus, when it gets charming and warm, I can wear things like this.

Opening Ceremony Violet cutout wedge sandals, $450

HA! Did you see that price tag? Yeah, I wish I could afford such crap. Unfortunately $450 is a shitton of money that I would immediately use to pay my heat and Verizon bills, not that I would feel good dropping on only one pair of shoes. No matter how weirdly curved they are. Or how wonderfully coral. Or strappy. I LOVE UNNECESSARY STRAPS ON THINGS.

Am I drying my tears? Obviously.

+ Photo courtesy of ShopBop

Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me, part 1.

Yes people, this will be a new weekly feature - and it's as obvious as the title suggests. "Dumb shit I would buy if my wallet didn't already hate me" is basically every conversation I ever have with my roommate or best friend - I've learned to stop telling these things to my boyfriend lest he break up with me in disgust - so now you all can know about it, too.

For today, we get two versions of the same idiotically stupid thing that I for some reason inexplicably want. BEHOLD - sneakers shaped like teddy bears.

Oh yes, readers. They exist. And I want them.

Jeremy Scott x Adidas bear sneakers, $180


Jeremy Scott x Adidas panda bear sneakers, $180

There are so many common-sense issues with these shoes - they're fluffy and soft, so won't they get dirty immediately? how fucked will you be if it rains? didn't raves stop being cool like, 12 years ago? - and yet, my credit card yearns to break free of my wallet and run to Opening Ceremony so I can buy them. I'm going to control it, but I'm just saying, teddy bears are like my crack.

I'm like Monica, the shitty mom character from Showtime's version of "Shameless." New York magazine points out that "the woman who has little affection for her kids is a nut for teddy bears," and I agree; I despise children but love toys. You just don't get between me and a stuffed animal, unless you want to get stabbed. Add shoes into that mix, and you're basically asking for me to wage a jihad on you if you get in my way.

+ Photos courtesy of Opening Ceremony