Friday, July 31, 2009

Cry Little Sister.

In the realm of celebrity magazines, Entertainment Weekly is that superficial guilty pleasure you thumb through while the guy in front of you at the self-checkout line at Giant struggles to get his shit together, or when you're preparing yourself at the doctor's office for yet another obnoxious co-pay fee and the baby in the waiting area with you inevitably screams the entire time, or when you want to punch the skinny girl on the Stairmaster next to you at the gym because look, if you're already in shape, go work out somewhere else away from us not-perfect people, thx. Your toned calves do not help a damaged psyche that self-medicates with Ben and Jerry's, OK?

But anyway, back to the topic at hand: Everyone knows Entertainment Weekly is the swill of the masses, a perfect mix of mainstream appeal (they liked Kanye's "808s and Heartbreak") and surprisingly in-depth reporting (a cover story on that pesky writer's strike). So when their latest issue listed the top 20 vampires of all time, I shouldn't have been surprised that Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen from "Twilight" was in the top 10, as he's the latest pretty-boy at the forefront of this faux-Goth obsession.

Yet ... in the top 5 ... at No. 4, above Stephen Moyer and Alexander SkarsgÄrd/Bill and Eric from "True Blood" (No. 5), David Boreanaz/Angel (No. 7), Gary Oldman/Dracula from "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (No. 10), Kiefer Sutherland/David from "The Lost Boys" (No. 14) and Wesley Snipes/Blade (No. 16)? And no James Marsters/Spike!? Out-of-touch entertainment writers say what?

I'm just as appreciative of Pattinson's dreaminess as the next person - I'm not drawing blood spots on my neck and begging him to bite me while panting over "Hot Topic" merchandise or anything - but he's cute in a grungy-dirty-Ray Ban-wearing way. It's just that he's way better as himself:

Than as Edward Cullen, an overprotective, pathetically overdramatic perpetual-teenager with too much angst and too little charisma who is profoundly awful, and has only perpetuated some kind of weirdly anti-feminist dogma by Stephenie Meyer, who probably cackles while counting all the dough she's made over hormone-heavy prepubescents.

Shame on you, EW. I didn't really expect "more," per se ... but you get my drift.

P.S. Best episode of "Buffy," ever.

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