Who else is flipping between Aziz and Golden Globe dresses besides me?

Watching Aziz Ansari's "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening," which is hilarious, as expected; my boyfriend had read somewhere that to prepare for the douchey character he plays in "Funny People," Ansari did a tour in that over-the-top, Dane Cook-like persona, and that is pretty much exactly what this is. Jokes about M.I.A.'s boobs, his fat cousin Harris and watching Kanye West look out of his telescope at a neighbor with big titties? I love it!

But yeah, during the commercials, I've also been rapidly checking on whether there are any online photo albums of all the Golden Globe entrances, and yes, victory! OMG! Yahoo can always be depended on to provide me with dumb shit. And so, here we go: The best, worst and most meh?!, in my opinion. And yes, meh?! needs its own category. Trust me.

P.S. This is a long post. Deal with it.

THE BEST

Drew Barrymore: Yeah, she's annoying in real life, but now that the promotion for "Whip It!" is over, she's started dressing like a human again - thankfully.


Mariah Carey: I really just have to applaud her for being able to fit into this dress. Wrapped up in plastic wrap and sucking in like crazy? Fuck, I hope so. Also, can I get married so I can make my D-list husband hold my umbrella for me at public events? Kthx.


Marion Cotillard: There's nothing for me to say except for that I love this crazy French bitch. So many weird clothes that make me adore her. SO MANY.


Neil Patrick Harris: He's just a charming gay man. Charming, charming, CHARMING. He could wear the clothes of a fucking homeless man who was loitering outside the Golden Globe Awards and I'd still be salivating over it.


Diane Kruger: She was annoying in "Troy," if only because she really did nothing except make out with Orlando Boom (why not ME?!), but there's something about her performance in "Inglourious Basterds" that I can really get behind.


You know, the movie with these dudes: Eli Roth, Melanie Laurent and Quentin Tarantino, who all look pretty dapper.


Oh, and she's also dating Pacey/Joshua Jackson. So like, I can always fucking support that hot piece.


Mickey Rourke: Yeah dude, wear that stupid fucking cowboy hat! Only you, Mickey Rourke. Only your beastly self.


Tracey Morgan: Tracy (Yup, I misspelled it as "Tracey" and then my boyfriend corrected me. Fuck you.) Morgan also gets a Rourke-like pass, because who else could get away with color-coordinating their umbrella and handkerchief? Like, seriously.


Robert Downey Jr.: And well, he's just RDJ. There are no other explanations necessary.


When it comes to weirdness, Catherine Hendricks (oh god, that cleavage), Anna Paquin and Chloe Sevigny take the cake: Dresses that look like cupcakes and disco balls? Yes, plz!





Oh, and it's good to see that Courtney Cox-Arquette and Helen Mirren are also still drinking from the fountain of youth/whatever baby blood Madonna is sucking on to stay looking hot and trim and fit. I don't think it's fair that these women look better at their age than I do now, but sigh, credit where it's due.



THE WORST

Fergie-Ferg: Why is she wearing what looks like a rejected prom dress from the late '90s or from a bargain rack at David's Bridal? Fail.


Julianne Moore: I just don't get it. Like ... some slouchy off-shoulder mess with a big ugly seam? Pass, plz.


Tina Fey: I've begun to appreciate Tina Fey more since my boyfriend has started making me watch "30 Rock" more often, but this dress is not cutting it. Why so much "Little House on the Prairie" influence? Ugh.


Téa Leoni: I can understand that not everyone wants to wear an evening dress. But really, a button-down oxford and some dowdy looking skirt? Didn't Sharon Stone already do that on the red carpet once or something? I'm not saying be like Sharon Stone, because bitch is crazy, but don't copy her, either.


MEH?!

Sandra Bullock: There's a lot about this that reminds me of a fairy doll or My Little Pony or something. The color scheme and the shininess? Probably, yeah.


Zoe Saldana: So much fabric ... for such a skinny person.


Jane Lynch: I don't dislike it, it's just lots of taffeta and lots of green and kind of reminds me of Christmas decorations. Ooh, like a shiny plastic Christmas tree! Where are the presents? ... OK, I just went into an unhappy place where I thought of Jane Lynch's genitalia as presents. I have to stop writing about this now.


Heather Graham: There's a lot of one boob and little of another ... the unevenness irks me. I am anal, after all.


Maggie Gyllenhaal: I'm usually a fan of her stupid clothing choices, but the color is just washing her the fuck out. And for someone already that pale, it's just a creepy, corpse-like demeanor that is not. Where's Peter Sarsgaard? Save me, Charles Lane! ("Shattered Glass" reference; yes, I'm just that journalism-nerdy.)


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

Dita > Michelle Tanner.

Now, there's one way to look like a crazy old lady, as done by Ashley Olsen at the Arts of Elysium gala Saturday -


- and then there's another way that makes me feel like Dita Von Teese just stopped by Michael's on her way to the event, bought a shit-ton of fake flowers cuz she thought they looked pretty and Super-Glued them on her sleeves in the car because she was bored and the drive was long and she already took care of her make-up beforehand.


That's just a guess, but I'm pretty sure it's accurate.

Oh, and also? Dita Von Teese's craziness is ALWAYS better than the Olsen twins. ALWAYS. Like, Ashley Olsen with purple lipstick? Annoying. Dita Von Teese with some cast-off from Elvira's closet? Baller. The woman used to sleep with Marilyn Manson and still survived! Bitch can do whatever she wants.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Kat Von D, why?!

So Michael K of Dlisted guesses that Kat Von D got some work done based on these pictures of her at Saturday's At of Elysium's charity event in Los Angeles, and I ... kind of agree. Here was Kat Von D last night ...



... and here she was back at some event in February 2009 ...


... and, more recently, here she is in the latest issue of Inked magazine, for February 2010.



Now, I know magazines work months in advance, and I ALSO know a thing or two about plastic surgery, given that I'm Iranian and nose-jobs are like, a rite of passage for my people. And, I must say, Kat Von D's nose is looking a little more narrow, and her lips are looking a little more plump, and her eyebrows a little more arched. She doesn't look like she fell into a vat of acid, like Rose McGowan now does, but she's looking a bit meh. This shouldn't really surprise me, because she's covered in tattoos and obviously doesn't mind altering her body, but I kind of hoped Kat Von D would be above that whole vanity-surgery-thing.


And also above ugly dresses. Bummer on both fronts.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, StupidCelebrities, Now That's Pimpin'

Today's stupid things, in three short moments:

1. Nicolas Cage owes the IRS $14 million in taxes. How did the federal government JUST NOTICE THIS? Functionally retarded. Yeah, I like Obama and everything, but STILL.

Also, is this Nicolas Cage's actual body? Because fucking EW.


2. Apparently it's fashionable this spring to wear an ear cuff with some kind of faux-Gremlin on it.

Gremlin Ear Cuff, $40

I don't ... understand. I also don't think I want to.

3. OK, this last "stupid thing" is basically my own idiocy, because I want these dumb shoes (in both gray suede and black leather; duh).

C'est Moi by Jeffrey Campbell, $135

Yeah, yeah, no better than the Gremlin. I know; I do what I can to spend my money as dumbly as possible. It's a talent.

+ Photo courtesy of HitDawall, Rachel Roy, Need Supply

Golden Globes outfits, come to me!

For anyone who didn't know already, the Golden Globes are tonight (look, people setting it up!); I'll try to watch while suffering through a lengthy to-do list that includes "shower" and "update your blog." Overwhelming, I know.

But before I spend most of tomorrow updating with pictures of the night's best- and worst-dressed, I want to go into tonight on a positive note, mainly defined by these two hot pieces: Marion Cotillard and Heather Graham on the red carpet of the Critics' Choice Awards on Friday. You probably already heard about the Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock kiss that went down:


However, I'm not trying to vomit at the idea of two old-ish women making out, so here, have Cotillard and Graham.



Rejoice, genitals! Two hot pieces > two middle-aged women unnecessarily kissing, any day of the week. Now, on to the Golden Globes/a return to my sanity/hoping Bullock and Streep don't kiss again. I don't think my little brain could handle it.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Why look like a bird died on you?

Sigh.

Audrey Veiled Feather Headband by Arturo Rios, $120

Whenever I see accessories like that, I have no idea who is going to wear them. Rihanna, paired with cuffs like this?

Single row cuff by Joomi Lim, $125


Cuff with curved row by Joomi Lim, $200

Or M.I.A., when she starts promoting her new album, which is supposed to come out this summer, according to a recent interview with Rolling Stone?

Like, I really don't know. I just get a headache when I look at that Raven-like monstrosity. Don't haunt my dreams, you Edgar Allan Poe-copying bitch!

+ Photos courtesy of Patricia Field, Opening Ceremony

McDonald's, I'mma quit you!

Like practically everyone else in the world, I'm trying to become more healthy this year by losing weight, or, as I like to call it, "That senior year of college where I discovered how delicious the McDonald's $1 menu is." Umm, yeah, that happened. A lot.

But anyway, I would like to lose weight/firm up/whatever you want to call not being fat anymore, and I'd be pretty psyched if that happened by swimsuit season. Even if that happens, though, Victoria's Secret will still have me weeping into my ice cream, because holy crap, their new bathing suits make me feel awful:

Slashed One-Piece by Red Carter, $140


Strappy Cut-Out Monokini by Mara Hoffman Swim, $140


Topless Bikini by Very Sexy, $68


Leopard-Print Wrap Monokini by Very Sexy, $68

Thanks for making me feel like a floating blob of lard, Victoria's Secret. Really inspirational, you are.

+ Photos courtesy of Victoria's Secret

Vogue fails again.

So Jessica Biel is February's cover for Vogue. And my reaction is a solid "WTF?"


My boyfriend is all about Jessica Biel; he probably would have sex with her any situation, ever. But this is VOGUE. Last time I checked, you had to be vaguely relevant, or doing some kind of timely project, or, well, ANYTHING, to be on its cover. Yet the only thing Jessica Biel has lined up is a role in the ensemble "Valentine's Day," which looks pretty horrible -



- and the part of Bradley Cooper's love interest in "The A-Team," which doesn't come out for a few months. Oh, and she's dating Justin Timberlake. Right, cuz that matters - I mean, I would kill to date that hot piece. But like, so what? Is being someone's arm candy really enough to be the cover of the most powerful fashion magazine in the world?

Plus, the WHOLE FUCKING STORY is about like, 'Ooh, Jessica Biel is ABOUT to make it big.' Really? Cuz she's been in the industry for like a decade and still not broken into the upper echelon. I really don't give a fuck how normal she is, because she should be: She hasn't done anything popular enough yet to justify becoming an uppity bitch. So ... yeahhhh ... Meh.





And, lastly, I think the photos are ugly. She seems unhealthy, like she's lost of weight lately, something the article mentions but then doesn't follow up on (yay, journalism!). Bleh. Fail, Anna Wintour. FAIL.

+ Photos courtesy of Vogue