UGH, to the tune of a round-up.

When it rains, kids, it pours fucking stupid, retarded news that makes me want to take a wrench to the world's head. Ummm, yeah, that much anger. Believe me.

So here are today's most angst-causing news items:

1. Fashion designer Lee Alexander McQueen kills himself. I don't like explaining suicides, because I don't think they make sense, but you can Google around and try to figure out why he took his life. I don't know what to say, really; he was amazingly talented and great at making insane high-fashion shit, the kind that my boyfriend hates. Like this:


And those shoes that Lady Gaga brought mainstream attention to by wearing in the video for "Bad Romance:"


SO yeah, depressing.

2. Rihanna releases her video for "Rude Boy."



The song is kind of annoying and the video doesn't really go anywhere. If I wanted to watch someone shake their butt against a backdrop of annoying colors, I'd just watch the video for "Video Phone."

Also, I similarly don't enjoy these pictures from the video Alicia Keys and Beyonce are shooting for "Put It In a Love Song" down in Rio de Janeiro.



Nothing they are wearing is flattering. At all.

3. Big shocker, Americans don't understand serving sizes. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this warrants a full story by the New York Times. As a country, we're obese and too lazy to read - and follow - serving sizes and portion control. We eat shit like this, come on.


I'm guilty of that too - thankfully, NOT of eating the Craz-E Burger - but like ... how much does the U.S. government really need to dumb shit down for people? Just read the back of the fucking box. Done.

4. Tom Cruise inks deal for "Mission Impossible 4." Who keeps commissioning these films? Like, I understand that the third one made double its budget, but it was AWFUL. I guess I'm just really sick of Tom Cruise's SO SERIOUS face.


I think he looks constipated. You agree, don't lie.

5. Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges gets delayed because he has to have emergency surgery on his tooth. I'm sorry, what? I would love to get out of shit and blame it on my grill.


No, really, I would love to just HAVE Lil Wayne's diamond-crusted teeth. Imagine how much that shit could go for on the black hoodrat market. Umm, that wasn't racist.

6. More proof that home-schooling is a bad idea: Horrible father locks his daughter in the bathroom for months because she failed a test and supposedly stole food. I really do think most people should be executed.

7. Taylor Swift slams down a cool $2 million on a swanky penthouse in Nashville. I don't hate the girl, but fuck that shit. Look at this interior.


This is NOT OK. I could write songs about high school! My experiences were lame, too! SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY.

8. And lastly, Vanessa Hudgens and I have the same shoes.


Does that mean we can share Zac Efron? That'd be great, kthx.

+ Photos courtesy of Oodora, OMG! Yahoo, New York Daily News, Scrape TV, Starpulse

Some newz, some thangz.

So because I've spent four hours so far at work today doing absolutely nothing, it's time for a daily news round-up. Mainly so I don't get bored enough to start playing with fire or something.

1. Iran moves to ban allowing women to wear make-up during television broadcasts. You know, cuz lipgloss is really what's holding Iran back from worldwide domination. Ugh, religion is the WORST. Way to make me embarrassed for my country, clerics.

2. Grammy nods are out: Beyonce has 10 nominations ...

P.S. Though I am using this picture from "Video Phone," I find the "Reservoir Dogs"-referencing intro offensive to people that actually like "Reservoir Dogs." That is all.

... Taylor Swift has eight, some other people have some other ones. I just really don't care about the Grammys anymore - does anyone? They seem like the latest awards show in terms of recognizing what's hip/trendy/being listened to, and if you look at the full nominee list, you'll see what I'm talking about. Basically, YAWN.

3. The Washington Post wrote this feature about this British artist, Willard Wigan, who makes sculptures so tiny they can fit in the eye of a needle - like, literally.


Probably one of the most interesting arts stories I've read in a while, AND, the pictures are pretty. That's essentially all the mental stimulation I need.

4. ABC nixes yet another performance from the hip-thrustingly-gay Adam Lambert in fears that he'll recreate the male-orgy that was his performance at the American Music Awards recently. Is this really necessary? ABC is the same channel that showed "The Drew Carey Show" for years on end. I'm pretty sure Carey's COMPLETE UNFUNINESS is way more offensive to people than some homoeroticism. Or maybe I'm just underestimating the bigotry in America. Whichever.

5. Kristin from "The Hills" admits that her maybe-relationship with Justin Bobby wasn't "romantic."


How is that even possible? He drove to Las Vegas for her! Oh contrived reality television shows. You make me happy.

+ Photos courtesy of Blogspot, Wordpress, MTV

Weekly hot bitch round-up.

So I haven't had Internet installed in my new apartment yet, which means my updates have been few and far between, as I'm sure you guys may have noticed. I'll try to make up for that today, firstly with this assortment of hot bitches I love/love to hate/want to hate but can't. You know the drill.

1. Halle Berry's family flew somewhere and landed somewhere. I don't really care about that. Instead, I honestly can't even comprehend this family's attractiveness (well, not the baby; that'd be creepy). But you get the idea.


2. Oh Shakira. Only your crazy, FOB-y self would rock dreads, knee-high patent boots and a spangly mini-skirt while performing at the MTV Europe VMAs. So absurd.


3. Why does Natalie Portman vex me so? I generally can't stand her, but in this rockabilly-themed photo shoot in V Magazine, I'm kind of into it. Maybe just because I like stupid hair and make-up. That's probably it.


4. How come Jared Leto looks younger now than he ever did as Jordan Catalano in "My So-Called Life?" I mean, I don't really give a fuck. Bitch is SO FINE. Plus, flannel and denim vests are my vices ...


5. Katy Perry just does such skanky things that I don't even have comments anymore. Really, woman? Light-up nipples?


And putting your boyfriend's name on your ass?


Sigh. My brain hurts.

6. Lastly, Taylor Swift is a crazy ex-girlfriend after my own heart by calling out Joe Jonas for being a cheating douchebag on "SNL" this weekend. Good form.



+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial, Dlisted, Popaholic, OMG! Yahoo, MTV

Celeb pairings, romantic and otherwise.

So in case you didn't know, one is the loneliest number. Who would have guessed? Look, it's just a rule: Things are always better in a pair. See, here's a Halloween-themed indication of this:


Yup, that's Linus and Sally. It's the Great Pumpkin, BITCHES.

Anyway, here are my favorite celebrity duos this week. Reasons vary, obvi.

1. Michelle Williams and daughter Matilda both look cute as hell while traipsing around New York City.


This makes me miss Heath Ledger. Boo to prescription drugs and ...

2. ... Yeah, that was a poor segue into a post about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but MK was supposedly having a relationship with Ledger when he died, so there you go. Anyway, the twins looked vaguely matronly (no surprise there) when launching their new juniors' line, Olsenboye, with JC Penney earlier this week.


Yes, them looking old while launching a line for teens is an awkward juxtaposition, but cheap clothes are nice, and Olsenboye will definitely be less obnoxious than Elizabeth and James, which is so expensive it makes my heart weep.

3. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are dating, as evidenced by their both attending a hockey game together and going out to dinner this week. I only giggle at this because 1. Swift kind of looks possessed in the picture below ...


... and because 2. the idea of having sex with someone who is named the same thing as you confuses me. Wouldn't it be awkward to keep hearing the same name thrown out there/moaned back and forth? OK, they're teenagers, I'm creepy, whatever.

4. Lastly, I despise Kobe Bryant because he's a cocky bastard. However, I revel in this photo because his wife looks fat as they are leaving to attend some party after the Lakers' win over the Clippers earlier this week.


Trick what are those thighs? DELIGHTFUL. It's the small things that bring me joy, really.

+ Photos courtesy of ImageShack, OMG! Yahoo, Dlisted

Rounding on up.

Happy things of today:

- Even though Kanye West personally called Taylor Swift to apologize for his epic douchery, he still counts as a humongous jerk. Nevertheless, this performance of "Run This Town" on the premiere of Jay Leno's new show Monday was pretty OK (oh, and West's crying when Leno grilled him didn't hurt). Rihanna's crazy get-up helps, of course.



- HOLY FUCKING SHIT details about the Harry Potter theme park, which will be open to visitors in spring 2010! I've never been to a real theme park - I've had two day trips to Six Flags since middle school, but that's about it, and the idea of swigging butterbeer until I vomit is sooo appealing right now.

Annoying things of today:

- Guillermo del Toro, one of my favorite directors and overall crazy bitches, is teaming up with Disney for a new line of scary stuff for kids. NOT COOL, Guillermo. You're supposed to hurry up and finish "The Hobbit," not dream up partnerships with the most corporate company ever. Lamezies.

- There's a he-said, she-said going down at The Washington Post over why a story for its Sunday magazine was cut. Supposedly, the Post's publisher said the story was too depressing and not what readers wanted - and lo and behold, it gets bumped off. Is this really how we're going to save journalism? I hope not.

- Similarly, Michael Moore can derelick my balls. Newspapers "slit their own throats" because of corporate greed? No, dude. The Internet exploded, and in fact, newspapers CAN'T seem to find a way to make money off of that, actually. So fuck your shit, sir. If this is really the way you have to publicize your new documentary, then that's all kinds of pathetic.

- Naming a pair of black satin crop pants the "Black Flag Pants" in order to make them sound cool is not OK. Henry Rollins would kick your ass. Look at the muscles in this man's neck alone - he does not fucking play.


- Drew Barrymore needs to just end this madness. What is this dress? I feel like she took a pack of black felt-tip pens and just went crazy. If that's all it takes to be fashionable, then shit, I'm cooler than I thought.


Obsessed things of today:

- Oooh.

Jeffrey Campbell Neon Oxfords, $108

- Oooh TIMES TWO.

Silence and Noise Studded Faux Leather Blazer, $128

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Sonoma State University, Nasty Gal Vintage, Urban Outfitters

VMAs - the drama CONTINUES.

Basically, the more I hear about this Kanye West/Taylor Swift showdown, the more I've decided he's SUCH A DOUCHEBAG.

Exhibit A: Pictures of Kanye getting shitfaced on the red carpet before the show (yes, that is a bottle of Hennessy he's swigging out of).


Exhibit B: Feeling up on his nasty trick Amber Rose in public. FOUL.


Exhibit C: From the Twitter account of hip-hop DJ Neil Armstrong, who was at the VMAs last night:

just so y'all know, homegirl taylor and her moms was in the back crying :(

Exhibit D: His fake-ass "apology" on, unsurprisingly, his blog. Yes, this was last night before the show was even over (I guess he left/got kicked out after the incident) and is (expectedly) in all caps. This is only an excerpt, because reading the whole thing would probably rot your brain - and, I can't find the post on his blog anymore, which is now experiencing "site upgrades in process." Suuure.

I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD'VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE'S IN THE BLEACHERS! ........................ I'M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!................. BEYONCE'S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!!

Here's my favorite part, though:

I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!!

Right ...

P.S. Because I am petty, I love when the AP gets thing wrong, like in this story, when they refer to Taylor Swift's song as "You Belong to Me." It's WITH me, kids. Do you know have fact-checkers? Were those a part of the budget cutbacks? Yeah, accuracy!

+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial

VMAs - Jimmy Fallon, Video of the Year

OH GOD Russell Brand just called Jimmy Fallon "our generation's David Letterman." I literally want to kill myself. Pretty sure David Letterman has had a show for years and doesn't SUCK. Sure, I'd sleep with Fallon and not Letterman. But like, that's not saying much.

Also, they just presented Video of the Year to Beyonce for "Single Ladies." Wholly unsurprising, and given the other contestants, vaguely deserved. AND she just invited Taylor Swift onstage to "have her moment." Classier than I expected, actually.

MTV Shows

P.S. They just cut to Lady Gaga who is wearing a WREATH MADE OF HAY AROUND HER FACE.


Dude, there are no more words. Really, just none.

+ Photo courtesy of MTV

VMAs - Best Female Video

Taylor Swift for "You Belong with Me," over Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face?" Dear god this night is already becoming a shitshow.

P.S. Why the fuck is Kanye West onstage? And why is he interrupting Taylor Swift to say that Beyonce had "one of the best videos of all time?" That is SO FUCKED UP. Kanye, I'm fine with you defending yourself. But you shouldn't defend other people that have nothing to do with you. OMG They just cut to a pre-taped clip of Tracy Morgan and are ushering Taylor Swift offstage. Hahahahaha.

P.S. Here's a clip from MTV. See the douchery for yourself.

MTV Shows