Clothez and thangz.

This week has been a pretty solid one when it comes to stupid clothes that fill my heart with joy. First there was the Screen Actors Guild Awards this past weekend, then Paris Fashion Week, then a Calvin Klein-sponsored event. Because it's snowing outside and I have nothing better to do, here are some thoughts - rapidly, so I can go back to reading my new issue of Nylon that just came in the mail.

The kids from "The Vampire Diaries" are on the cover. Meh.


Anyway, good and bad outfits, yay!

SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS

Diane Kruger: Basically, one of the best dresses I've ever seen, totally reminiscent of what Michelle Williams wore to the Oscars with Heath Ledger back in 2006. Such a pretty color, even though I'm normally anti-yellow, and she's just poised enough to pull it off.


Marion Cotillard: I don't know, she could wear a fucking Hefty bag covered in poo and I'd probably like it, so ... take that as you will.


Drew Barrymore: I don't even understand the point of this dress, and it basically just makes me think she's wearing a huge lampshade or something. But like, bluer and uglier.


PARIS FASHION WEEK

Dita Von Teese: Pulls off looking like a horrifying dominatrix. Impressive.


Amber Rose: I'm probably cursing the universe by hating the one time Amber Rose isn't inappropriately nude, but come on, if you're going to fucking wear clothes, DON'T MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE THIS.


LA ARTS MONTH RECEPTION, ORGANIZED BY CALVIN KLEIN

Kate Bosworth: Every time I see her, I want to strap her in before a plate of pasta and force her to eat some fucking carbs. This picture is no exception.


Jared Leto: Basically has been sucking from the fountain of youth, cuz the guy is pushing 40 (he's 38) and I'm pretty sure he looks hot as fuck. Like, yes, the shiny blazer is ugly, and yes, the scarf is unnecessary, AND YES, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT HE'S WEARING TOO MUCH GEL, but still. Look at that face! So delightful.


And lastly, Ali Larter and Milla Jovovich: Why has Ali Larter paired that old-lady-goes-to-a-strip-club-in-Florida outfit with clunky black boots, and why is Milla Jovovich wearing formal hot shorts with like a billion accessories and that garish Forever 21 belt? Where's my copy of Nylon? Anything has to be better to look at then this.



+ Images courtesy of FanPop, OMG! Yahoo

Who else is flipping between Aziz and Golden Globe dresses besides me?

Watching Aziz Ansari's "Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening," which is hilarious, as expected; my boyfriend had read somewhere that to prepare for the douchey character he plays in "Funny People," Ansari did a tour in that over-the-top, Dane Cook-like persona, and that is pretty much exactly what this is. Jokes about M.I.A.'s boobs, his fat cousin Harris and watching Kanye West look out of his telescope at a neighbor with big titties? I love it!

But yeah, during the commercials, I've also been rapidly checking on whether there are any online photo albums of all the Golden Globe entrances, and yes, victory! OMG! Yahoo can always be depended on to provide me with dumb shit. And so, here we go: The best, worst and most meh?!, in my opinion. And yes, meh?! needs its own category. Trust me.

P.S. This is a long post. Deal with it.

THE BEST

Drew Barrymore: Yeah, she's annoying in real life, but now that the promotion for "Whip It!" is over, she's started dressing like a human again - thankfully.


Mariah Carey: I really just have to applaud her for being able to fit into this dress. Wrapped up in plastic wrap and sucking in like crazy? Fuck, I hope so. Also, can I get married so I can make my D-list husband hold my umbrella for me at public events? Kthx.


Marion Cotillard: There's nothing for me to say except for that I love this crazy French bitch. So many weird clothes that make me adore her. SO MANY.


Neil Patrick Harris: He's just a charming gay man. Charming, charming, CHARMING. He could wear the clothes of a fucking homeless man who was loitering outside the Golden Globe Awards and I'd still be salivating over it.


Diane Kruger: She was annoying in "Troy," if only because she really did nothing except make out with Orlando Boom (why not ME?!), but there's something about her performance in "Inglourious Basterds" that I can really get behind.


You know, the movie with these dudes: Eli Roth, Melanie Laurent and Quentin Tarantino, who all look pretty dapper.


Oh, and she's also dating Pacey/Joshua Jackson. So like, I can always fucking support that hot piece.


Mickey Rourke: Yeah dude, wear that stupid fucking cowboy hat! Only you, Mickey Rourke. Only your beastly self.


Tracey Morgan: Tracy (Yup, I misspelled it as "Tracey" and then my boyfriend corrected me. Fuck you.) Morgan also gets a Rourke-like pass, because who else could get away with color-coordinating their umbrella and handkerchief? Like, seriously.


Robert Downey Jr.: And well, he's just RDJ. There are no other explanations necessary.


When it comes to weirdness, Catherine Hendricks (oh god, that cleavage), Anna Paquin and Chloe Sevigny take the cake: Dresses that look like cupcakes and disco balls? Yes, plz!





Oh, and it's good to see that Courtney Cox-Arquette and Helen Mirren are also still drinking from the fountain of youth/whatever baby blood Madonna is sucking on to stay looking hot and trim and fit. I don't think it's fair that these women look better at their age than I do now, but sigh, credit where it's due.



THE WORST

Fergie-Ferg: Why is she wearing what looks like a rejected prom dress from the late '90s or from a bargain rack at David's Bridal? Fail.


Julianne Moore: I just don't get it. Like ... some slouchy off-shoulder mess with a big ugly seam? Pass, plz.


Tina Fey: I've begun to appreciate Tina Fey more since my boyfriend has started making me watch "30 Rock" more often, but this dress is not cutting it. Why so much "Little House on the Prairie" influence? Ugh.


Téa Leoni: I can understand that not everyone wants to wear an evening dress. But really, a button-down oxford and some dowdy looking skirt? Didn't Sharon Stone already do that on the red carpet once or something? I'm not saying be like Sharon Stone, because bitch is crazy, but don't copy her, either.


MEH?!

Sandra Bullock: There's a lot about this that reminds me of a fairy doll or My Little Pony or something. The color scheme and the shininess? Probably, yeah.


Zoe Saldana: So much fabric ... for such a skinny person.


Jane Lynch: I don't dislike it, it's just lots of taffeta and lots of green and kind of reminds me of Christmas decorations. Ooh, like a shiny plastic Christmas tree! Where are the presents? ... OK, I just went into an unhappy place where I thought of Jane Lynch's genitalia as presents. I have to stop writing about this now.


Heather Graham: There's a lot of one boob and little of another ... the unevenness irks me. I am anal, after all.


Maggie Gyllenhaal: I'm usually a fan of her stupid clothing choices, but the color is just washing her the fuck out. And for someone already that pale, it's just a creepy, corpse-like demeanor that is not. Where's Peter Sarsgaard? Save me, Charles Lane! ("Shattered Glass" reference; yes, I'm just that journalism-nerdy.)


+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

They're no Oscars, but the Emmys are still important, I guess.

I mean, they're at least important in the sense that they give me pretty clothes to look at. Although, after tonight, I think I'm going to take a break from awards shows for a little while. There's been too many these past few weeks! I can't handle it; it's too many dresses at once and I get all confuddled.

So here's the last hurrah for now:

The prettiest:

Mindy Kaling! God I love this bitch. She is SO FUCKING ANNOYING as Kelly on "The Office," but she's also one of the masterminds behind the show, and I have to respect that. Also, such a pretty color; I'm all about bright jewel tones.

Mila's eyes basically look like she's trying to rape and fight the camera at the same time. And as a heterosexual female, I want that.

Thank the gods, Drew Barrymore hid that awful weave of hers in an up-do. And really, that's enough to get on this list.

Only hipster queen Chloe Sevigny could get away with wearing fucking polka dots on the red carpet. Crazy bitch! This level of insanity doesn't compare to giving Vincent Gallo a real blowjob in "The Brown Bunny," but still.

The "What the fuckity fuck?" group:

Here's Andy Samberg, who I can usually stand, with Joanna Newsom, an indie harp player who I literally hope dies a thousand fucking deaths. She basically sounds like Minnie Mouse on crack while scooping up helium. It's AWFUL. So shame on you, Samberg.

I normally love me some Tina Fey. But this dress is so boring and funeral-like; it just seems totally uninspired. Like, "Yeah, '30 Rock' is nominated for more awards than any other show this year, but whatevz," was her thought process or something. The show did win for Best Comedy again this year, though, so props.

Who keeps inviting Shar Jackson to things? I didn't know that birthing Kevin Federline's children before he met Britney Spears gave you a guaranteed pass through life. Where can I sign up?

Why is there so much extra fabric on Sarah Silverman's sides? It's like the Renaissance came and threw up mesh overlay everywhere, and she wasn't bothered enough to clean it up. Nast.

The people who organize these awards shows have to be inviting Phoebe Price as some kind of inside joke, right? Because if she can became famous just for PRETENDING TO BE FAMOUS, then I may have a chance. But I don't know if I actually want it, when she's blazing the way ... ugh.

Did Justin Timberlake go back to 1999 and get his awkwardly curly fro back? NOT A GOOD MOVE.

And the men that make my life lust-filled (so much heart-fluttering going on right now):

Emily Blunt is marrying John Krasinski; that lucky skank. Must add her to my death wishlist.

David Boreanaz, I'm just going to pretend that you're pointing at me because you love me. And because you're actually Angel, just pretending to be an actor, to keep up an image of normalcy. That's sane of me to want, right?

+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo

Rounding on up.

Happy things of today:

- Even though Kanye West personally called Taylor Swift to apologize for his epic douchery, he still counts as a humongous jerk. Nevertheless, this performance of "Run This Town" on the premiere of Jay Leno's new show Monday was pretty OK (oh, and West's crying when Leno grilled him didn't hurt). Rihanna's crazy get-up helps, of course.



- HOLY FUCKING SHIT details about the Harry Potter theme park, which will be open to visitors in spring 2010! I've never been to a real theme park - I've had two day trips to Six Flags since middle school, but that's about it, and the idea of swigging butterbeer until I vomit is sooo appealing right now.

Annoying things of today:

- Guillermo del Toro, one of my favorite directors and overall crazy bitches, is teaming up with Disney for a new line of scary stuff for kids. NOT COOL, Guillermo. You're supposed to hurry up and finish "The Hobbit," not dream up partnerships with the most corporate company ever. Lamezies.

- There's a he-said, she-said going down at The Washington Post over why a story for its Sunday magazine was cut. Supposedly, the Post's publisher said the story was too depressing and not what readers wanted - and lo and behold, it gets bumped off. Is this really how we're going to save journalism? I hope not.

- Similarly, Michael Moore can derelick my balls. Newspapers "slit their own throats" because of corporate greed? No, dude. The Internet exploded, and in fact, newspapers CAN'T seem to find a way to make money off of that, actually. So fuck your shit, sir. If this is really the way you have to publicize your new documentary, then that's all kinds of pathetic.

- Naming a pair of black satin crop pants the "Black Flag Pants" in order to make them sound cool is not OK. Henry Rollins would kick your ass. Look at the muscles in this man's neck alone - he does not fucking play.


- Drew Barrymore needs to just end this madness. What is this dress? I feel like she took a pack of black felt-tip pens and just went crazy. If that's all it takes to be fashionable, then shit, I'm cooler than I thought.


Obsessed things of today:

- Oooh.

Jeffrey Campbell Neon Oxfords, $108

- Oooh TIMES TWO.

Silence and Noise Studded Faux Leather Blazer, $128

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Sonoma State University, Nasty Gal Vintage, Urban Outfitters