Vampire Weekend, another white thing I like.

2 a.m. Can't sleep. Turned on mtvU. Was met by the best, most bizarre music video I've sen in a very fucking long time.



Vampire Weekend. Plus RZA. Plus Joe Jonas. Plus Daft Punk. Plus Jake Gyllenhaal. Plus Lil Jon. WTF IS GOING ON MY BRAIN HURTS I LOVE THIS. Fuck your "Telephone" shit, Gaga! This is the way to my heart.

UGH, to the tune of a round-up.

When it rains, kids, it pours fucking stupid, retarded news that makes me want to take a wrench to the world's head. Ummm, yeah, that much anger. Believe me.

So here are today's most angst-causing news items:

1. Fashion designer Lee Alexander McQueen kills himself. I don't like explaining suicides, because I don't think they make sense, but you can Google around and try to figure out why he took his life. I don't know what to say, really; he was amazingly talented and great at making insane high-fashion shit, the kind that my boyfriend hates. Like this:


And those shoes that Lady Gaga brought mainstream attention to by wearing in the video for "Bad Romance:"


SO yeah, depressing.

2. Rihanna releases her video for "Rude Boy."



The song is kind of annoying and the video doesn't really go anywhere. If I wanted to watch someone shake their butt against a backdrop of annoying colors, I'd just watch the video for "Video Phone."

Also, I similarly don't enjoy these pictures from the video Alicia Keys and Beyonce are shooting for "Put It In a Love Song" down in Rio de Janeiro.



Nothing they are wearing is flattering. At all.

3. Big shocker, Americans don't understand serving sizes. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this warrants a full story by the New York Times. As a country, we're obese and too lazy to read - and follow - serving sizes and portion control. We eat shit like this, come on.


I'm guilty of that too - thankfully, NOT of eating the Craz-E Burger - but like ... how much does the U.S. government really need to dumb shit down for people? Just read the back of the fucking box. Done.

4. Tom Cruise inks deal for "Mission Impossible 4." Who keeps commissioning these films? Like, I understand that the third one made double its budget, but it was AWFUL. I guess I'm just really sick of Tom Cruise's SO SERIOUS face.


I think he looks constipated. You agree, don't lie.

5. Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges gets delayed because he has to have emergency surgery on his tooth. I'm sorry, what? I would love to get out of shit and blame it on my grill.


No, really, I would love to just HAVE Lil Wayne's diamond-crusted teeth. Imagine how much that shit could go for on the black hoodrat market. Umm, that wasn't racist.

6. More proof that home-schooling is a bad idea: Horrible father locks his daughter in the bathroom for months because she failed a test and supposedly stole food. I really do think most people should be executed.

7. Taylor Swift slams down a cool $2 million on a swanky penthouse in Nashville. I don't hate the girl, but fuck that shit. Look at this interior.


This is NOT OK. I could write songs about high school! My experiences were lame, too! SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY.

8. And lastly, Vanessa Hudgens and I have the same shoes.


Does that mean we can share Zac Efron? That'd be great, kthx.

+ Photos courtesy of Oodora, OMG! Yahoo, New York Daily News, Scrape TV, Starpulse

SRSLY? "Lighten up, it's just fashion," DOES NOT APPLY HERE.

Every time I get angry at something Lady Gaga wears ...


... I just remind myself that Kelis wore this a few days ago, and I feel better.


And by "feel better" I mean, rage about why these people are famous. Sigh.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

Hot tranny mess.

Come on, what else was I going to name a post dedicated to Lady Gaga's new music video for "Bad Romance?" Let's be accurate here, people.



P.S. Also, Gaga WOULD wear those Alexander McQueen shoes that Vogue UK blogged about. Such a crazy trick.


+ Photo courtesy of Vogue

Does Gaga have a twinzies?!

Also, WHO THE FUCK is Doda? MTV claims she's a Polish pop star (unfortunately, she doesn't have a Wikipedia page that I can find), but I really just think she's an equally tranny-ish Lady Gaga rip-off - at least, based on this picture of her arriving at the MTV Europe VMAs:


Don't you think? I mean, she's got a man-face and an aversion to pants. That's pretty Gaga-ish.

+ Photo courtesy of Monsters and Critics

SO. GROSS.

I feel like two of my worlds - gossip and music - have collided in the form of Perez Hilton going as Lady Gaga for Halloween ... and I now hate both of them. Well, I already definitely hated Perez Hilton and only kind of hated Lady Gaga, but now it's full-fledged rage.


Holding a bag to my face to contain the vomit in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

+ Photo courtesy of Justin Timberlake (like, his website, unfortunately not him)

Lamé AND mesh?!

Why do I like these so much?!

LnA Striped Leggings, $120

They look like prison gear for prostitutes. And yet I can get behind that SO MUCH.

Downsides, though: They are obviously next up on Rihanna and Lilo's wardrobe choices, given their strong aversion to wearing pants. Umm, count Lady Gaga in on that one, too.

But still, I covet - especially from this hilarious angle.


I'm blaming Halloween for this one.

+ Photos courtesy of 80s Purple

It's fugging up my life when I'm with you. (Slightly NSFW)

Thanks to the VMAs and ALMAs, there have been a lot of nasty outfits going around lately; it's kind of like fashion swine flu. These five are definitely my recent faves:

1. I really don't like that Selena Gomez always looks like she's going to the prom or to a wedding as a tacky bridesmaid when she's on the red carpet. I'm not saying she should look like an epic slutbomb, like Miley Cyrus or something, but I do think she should look young and fresh and not old and beat.


2. I'm just gonna go ahead and quote myself on this one: "An epic slutbomb, like Miley Cyrus or something."


3. I adore Leona Lewis; I think she's an amazing talent and could rival Beyonce in the United States if she had better publicity. But trying to be edgy with this unnecessary corset is not helping her case.


4. I hate when celebrities wear American Apparel at large events and awards shows; I've railed against it numerous times in this blog. And while I don't really agree with Yahoo, who said Kat Von D "delivered the trash" at the ALMA Awards with this outfit, I do think that the sheer dress coupled with the American Apparel shorts and tube bra AND that janky wig just makes one awful sight.


5. I am just waiting for Lady Gaga to be completely naked onstage one day, like Macy Gray did a few years ago. Because like, throwing out titties is almost commonplace now; Lil Kim and Janet Jackson were doing that shit years ago, and even Rihanna is letting her nipples hang out while just running errands.


So this photo really doesn't shock me. I'd rather Gaga whip her vagina out and PUT IT ALL ON THE TABLE. That would truly get her the kind of attention she's looking for, I imagine.


+ Photos courtesy of The Superficial, Yahoo

VMAs - Jimmy Fallon, Video of the Year

OH GOD Russell Brand just called Jimmy Fallon "our generation's David Letterman." I literally want to kill myself. Pretty sure David Letterman has had a show for years and doesn't SUCK. Sure, I'd sleep with Fallon and not Letterman. But like, that's not saying much.

Also, they just presented Video of the Year to Beyonce for "Single Ladies." Wholly unsurprising, and given the other contestants, vaguely deserved. AND she just invited Taylor Swift onstage to "have her moment." Classier than I expected, actually.

MTV Shows

P.S. They just cut to Lady Gaga who is wearing a WREATH MADE OF HAY AROUND HER FACE.


Dude, there are no more words. Really, just none.

+ Photo courtesy of MTV

VMAs - Best New Artist.

Lady Gaga, who just won for Best New Artist, has changed outfits from this ...


and is now wearing this. HOW DOES SHE SEE? SRSLY.


Oh thank god she just took the mask off to make her acceptance speech. Also, Eminem's face is priceless, especially when she says this Moonman is "for God and for the gays."

Also, I'm sorry, Serena Williams is here? What the fuck, since she got kicked out of the U.S. Open she can make it to awards shows?



Her and Kanye should get together.

But yeah, Serena just introduced Pink, who is now performing "Sober" while doing circus acrobatics and hanging from an overhead bar. Oh and a boob is popping out with a pink heart painted on her nipple. Insane.

P!nk - New Music - More Music Videos

+ Photos courtesy of MTV

VMAs - Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi"

Oh my god Lady Gaga's performance right now is SO TRANNYCLICIOUS. Girls in wheelchairs, Lady Gaga in knee-high white leather boots and a crutch, lots of black men in white lace leggings.

So. Ridiculous.

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

Although, I gotta give her this - she's actually singing ALL of it. Fuck that lip-synching shit. And now she's playing the piano while covered in fake blood? OK this is kind of blowing my mind.

Video Music Awards, 2009.

Against my better judgment, I am watching the VMAs. Russell Brand just said he doesn't care if Lady Gaga turns out to be a hermaphrodite; if he finds a little "extra down there, I'll just make it stiff and lay my hat on it."

Wow. These next few hours will be fucking interesting.

Live from New York WILL NOT BE GOOD.

Well, I won't be watching "SNL" these next few weeks. Mainly because the schedule for the first four episodes leaked and it's pretty awful:

Sept. 26: Megan Fox, U2
Oct. 3: Ryan Reynolds, Lady Gaga
Oct. 10: Drew Barrymore, Regina Spektor
Oct. 17: Gerard Butler, Shakira

Like, I'm down for Ryan Reynolds' hot piece-ness and Shakira's similar hot piece-ness, but Megan Fox, U2, Lady Gaga, Regina Spektor and Gerard Butler? I'm not having it, kids. No, thank you.

If I did have a tumor, I'd name it Marla.

You know, it's pictures like this one of Lady Gaga that convince me she's not really avant-garde or fashionable at all.


Instead, she just seems to be picking up Helena Bonham Carter's leftovers.


The gold shininess, the ill-fitting black dress - there are similarities here; I refuse to let it go. Couldn't you just see Marla Singer rocking Gaga's look on her way to a prostate cancer therapy session or something?

P.S. I find her family adorable. Unloved pseudo-Goths, unite!


+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Wikipedia, I Love My Baby

Fly away, trick!

As a brown person who has been held back at airports numerous times for my obvious "them"-ness, this offends the fuck out of me.


Thanks, transit authorities. You're going to make every time I fly a living hell, but you'll allow Lady Gaga's ass to traipse around in this nastiness? Can "no pants" be added to the universal rule of "no shirts, no shoes, no service?" It only makes sense.

+ Photo courtesy of Dlisted

Putting the "gag" in Gaga.

Lady Gaga has based a lot of her popularity around her comfort with and appreciation for gay culture; for example, she appeared on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" before "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." But her complete lack of modesty - and overblown sense of self-importance - makes me want to rip off her face. For example, this quote in a recent interview with Out magazine:

"I very much want to inject gay culture into the mainstream,' she says, 'It’s not an underground tool for me. It’s my whole life. So I always sort of joke the real motivation is to just turn the world gay."

Like, I think that's an admirable thing to want to do. I agree that the gay community loves her extravagant, over-the-top fashion sense and in-your-face personality. But I also think it takes a lot more than writing songs describing fantasizing about sex with women to "turn the world gay," and if Lady Gaga could do more actual stuff - like, performing at more LGBT-themed events (her first TV performance was at the San Francisco Pride Parade last year), or participating in outreach, or pulling a Bono/Africa deal - that'd be great.

Also, this picture from the OUT photo-spread makes me think that only dead people would want to actually have sex with the Gag-a. Zing!


Ugh, that was awful. It's been an off-day when it comes to my hilarity-level. Please, just look at the picture for your laughs; that should be enough.

+ Photo courtesy of OUT

What you know about that?

The MTV VMA nominations came out Tuesday, and as always, they're annoying and stupid and wildly out-of-touch. Oh, and this year, MTV blew Lady Gaga's maybe-penis (fast-forward to 55 seconds and figure out for yourself what that crotch flash is actually baring), nominating her and Beyonce for nine categories each. They lead the pack; Britney has seven; Coldplay/Kanye/Eminem have four.

It's going to be hard to guess what happens this year, because fans will determine all of the winners, and these are the same people that gave Tokio Hotel the Best New Artist award last year. Seriously, the stupidest people own computers.

But here's my breakdown on what I consider either the most important categories or the ones with the jankiest nominations, because no one cares about special effects, editing or cinematography anyway. Don't front like you give a shit. These are music videos. It's not like we're judging classic films like "Gone with the Wind" or "There Will Be Blood" or anything.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Britney Spears, "Womanizer;" Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

She wears far too many pairs of those shiny pantyhose that fifth-graders threw out before entering middle school in order to save face and that automatically look like Spanx (and probably are), but when compared to Eminem, Lady Gaga, Britney and Kanye, Beyonce's the clear winner. Gaga is all shtick, Eminem is an awful caricature of his former self, Britney's "Womanizer" isn't nearly as good as "Circus" and "Love Lockdown" mostly just focuses on Kanye lying on his couch. So to Jay-Z's wife should go the spoils, especially if you consider that the song pretty much sparked a pop culture-via-YouTube revolution.

BEST NEW ARTIST: Lady Gaga, "Poker Face"
OTHER NOMINEES: 3OH!3, "Don't Trust Me;" Drake, "Best I Ever Had;" Kid Cudi, "Day 'n' Nite;" Asher Roth, "I Love College"

I have an extremely hard time laying the crown upon this Jersey troll's head, mainly because if either Drake, Kid Cudi or Asher Roth showed up on my doorstep trying to eat some caramels, I would be down. But each of them has really only had a couple of singles to their name, while Gaga had "Just Dance," "Poker Face," "LoveGame," "Paparazzi" and so forth. And, 3OH!3 is probably one of the most offensive groups to ever get airplay on MTV, so fuck those guys.

BEST POP VIDEO: Britney Spears, "Womanizer"
OTHER NOMINEES: Beyonce, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It);" Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester, "Good Girls Go Bad;" Lady Gaga, "Poker Face;" Wisin & Yandel, "Abusadora"

Although this pains me because Britney totally didn't deserve Video of the Year, Best Female Video or Best Pop Video Moonmen last year for "Piece of Me," I'm going to swing this her way because Beyonce will probably sweep everything else, "Poker Face" isn't Gaga's best video, Cobra Starship sucks and ain't cute and I've never heard of Wisin & Yandel before. Wikipedia tells me they are a "Puerto Rican Grammy and Latin Grammy award-winning reggaeton recording duo." Great, still don't care.

BEST ROCK VIDEO: Coldplay, "Viva la Vida"
OTHER NOMINEES: Fall Out Boy, "I Don't Care;" Green Day, "21 Guns;" Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody;" Paramore, "Decode"

Fall Out Boy hasn't been good since Pete Wentz showed his peen on the Internet, and though Paramore is one of my guiltiest girl-rock pleasures, "Decode" is as uninspired as the entire "Twilight" series it was written for. I won't even discuss Green Day because their lack of knowing more chords than three depresses me; as a result, it comes down to the foxiness of Caleb Followill and how he drawl/shrieks the word "somebody" and the lovely, glittery, vaguely generic package that is Coldplay. I'm going with the latter.

BEST HIP-HOP VIDEO: Jay-Z, "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)"
OTHER NOMINEES: Eminem, "We Made You;" Flo Rida feat. Kesha, "Right Round;" Asher Roth, "I Love College;" Kanye West, "Love Lockdown"

It's fucking lame that Jay-Z would write a whole song about hating Auto-Tune and trash-talk T-Pain in it, but not have enough balls to call out Kanye, who made an entire frustratingly monotonous album with the robotic tool. But I guess masters never attack their grasshoppers or something. Anyway, there shouldn't be a contest here - when compared to Eminem, Asher Roth, Kanye and Flo Rida (why the fuck is "Right Round" considered hip-hop? Hip-hop and rap should be different categories), Hova deserves victory.

BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO: ??
NOMINEES: Anjulie, "Boom;" Bat for Lashes, "Daniel;" Chairlift, "Evident Utensil;" Cold War Kids, "I've Seen Enough;" Death Cab for Cutie, "Grapevine Fires;" Gnarls Barkley, "Who's Gonna Save My Soul;" Major Lazer, "Hold the Line;" Matt and Kim, "Lessons Learned;" Passion Pit, "The Reeling;" Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Heads Will Roll"

What the shit is up with this category? The fact that Cold War Kids, Death Cab for Cutie, Gnarls Barkley and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are all nominated - when they've all already had breakthrough videos that have put them on MTV's radar - is confusing at best. Did MTV execs somehow forget about "Hang Me Up to Dry," "I Will Possess Your Heart," "Crazy" and "Maps?" If so, they need a bitchslap to the face, especially because none of the tracks these groups are nominated for actually did shit for their popularity. Of the other groups - Anjulie, Bat for Lashes, Chairlift, Major Lazer, Matt and Kim and Passion Pit - I don't feel like there's a real winner, because it's not like I've ever seen their videos on MTV. Sure, they all have hipster cred - and Major Lazer and Matt and Kim hold special places in my heart for how purely annoying their music is - but I have no idea whose fans will prove obsessive enough.

BEST VIDEO (THAT SHOULD HAVE WON A MOONMAN): Beastie Boys, "Sabotage"
OTHER NOMINEES: Bjork, "Human Behaviour;" Dr. Dre, "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang;" Foo Fighters, "Everlong;" George Michael, "Freedom! '90;" OK Go, "Here It Goes Again;" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Into the Great Wide Open;" Radiohead, "Karma Police;" David Lee Roth, "California Girls;" U2, "Where the Streets Have No Name"

Maybe George Michael and OK Go didn't win Moonmen because they suck. And maybe Tom Petty, David Lee Roth and U2 shouldn't get them now because they're too old to be relevant to MTV's age group. Oh, and perhaps Dre can get a Moonman when he finally fucking releases "Detox," and Radiohead can get one when they stop being pretentious, and the Foo Fighters can get one when they ever release something as good as "The Colour and the Shape" again. And Bjork is just crazy. So ... here, Beastie Boys. Have this for "Sabotage." Also, Adam Yauch, kick that cancer shit, mmkay?

Poker faces, vomit, etc.

Why do I always find myself writing about Lady Gaga? Probably because she's rapidly infiltrating every part of my life, just like pornstar Sasha Grey did when I found out men in my life adore her. First she was in Rolling Stone. Then I learned she's been modeling for American Apparel for years. And finally she started posing for BLURT, a magazine I freelance for. Trick-ass bitch!

But anyway, I go off-topic. So here's the first of today's two posts about the obnoxiously and superficially avant-garde Gaga. The question at hand: Why, Hot Topic? Why would you stock this? Do you really think it would sell? Because I refuse.

Worst Fears Confirmed.

Let's think this through.

"Mom, can we go stalk Lady Gaga?"
"Mom, can we go hang out with her in her underwear?"
"Mom, what are these rashes all over my skin? And why do I smell like rancid fish?"

Yes, kids. That's what happens when your flesh touches Lady Gaga's.

Worst. Parenting. Ever.

+ Photo courtesy of Flynet