An excuse to talk about Jon Hamm's face.

I love the red carpet. I love people's expressions. I love their clothes. I love their awkwardness. And since I'm still smarting over the commercial and critical disappointment that was "Sucker Punch" and I'm looking for places to live for grad school in the fall and studio apartments START AT $1,600 A MONTH, I really need something to amuse me. So here we go.

1. David Hasselhoff at the premiere of "Hop" in Los Angeles on Sunday.


Wow, just wow. Such commitment to looking like a creeper has to be applauded, and Hasselhoff is pulling it off beautifully here. Those little baby birds don't even KNOW that they're about to be serenaded by him singing pop songs at them. IT WILL HAPPEN.

2. Jonah Hill at the premiere of "Ceremony" in Los Angeles on March 22.


Word on the street is Hill is losing weight to star in the upcoming adaptation of "21 Jump Street," which should come out in 2012, and while I commend his 30-pound slim-down so far, I ALSO think his weight loss further accentuates his super-awkward body. His legs are so thin! But he still has a double chin! I don't get it, it's weird, DISLIKE. Get back to me when you lose enough weight to look like a real person, like Seth Rogen did (before he started gaining it back again).

3. Tom Felton at the Empire Awards, sponsored by Jameson, in London on Sunday.


What did Tom Felton win an award for? I don't care. Is he holding a bottle of Jameson? YES. Which automatically means I respect him more than ever before, and that sneering grin is doing it for me. I love you Draco Malfoy, you dickish Death Eater bitch.

4. Chloe Moretz at the first Annual Comedy Awards in New York City on Saturday.


Chloe Moretz is 14, and here she's dressed like she's 14, which is nice. But my boyfriend assures me she's just growing up to be super-hot, and I can't really argue with him here. I mean, that smirk? That's the smirk of soon-to-be hot and flirty teens EVERYWHERE. That's the smirk that once graced the faces of girls like Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. Is Chloe Moretz a way better actress/person/anything than Miley and Lilo? Yes, but ... she will be super-hot. So hot.

5. Jon Hamm at the premiere of "Sucker Punch" in Los Angeles on Wednesday.


Ignore the fact that longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt is on his arm and just LOOK AT JON HAMM. LOOK AT HIM. I've never seen a scruffy neck beard and shiny suit look so good.

+ Photos courtesy of OMG! Yahoo

People who do ecstasy say what?

People STILL go to raves? I had no fucking idea. But apparently, yeah, a crapton of people took some drugs and overdosed and now they might all be dying after some rave in Santa Clara, Calif.

My favorite part of the story, though, is this:

"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."

So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...


And indulge in greasy hamburgers ...


And stalk Lindsay Lohan as she traipses around with that alcohol-monitoring bracelet?


I mean, I know that's what I would do. Obviously. I'm paunchy and love celebrities. DUH.

+ Photos courtesy of MazeofThoughts, Flickr, TMZ

Come on, Steve Nash!!

Watching this Suns game. Trying not to throw things at the TV whenever Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest does anything. Literally, wish death upon both of those douches.

Other things pissed me off this week, sure ...

1. Miley Cyrus isn't going to college. Duh, she already knows everything about the way of the world: be a slut and you'll win. Fucking trashbox. And why go to college and pursue higher education when that worked out so well for other pop stars, like Britney Spears?


... Oh, right. She looks like that now. Oops. I DO wish this frumpery on Miley Cyrus! Keep being an ignorant hillbilly, you slut!

2. Those stupid Salahis continue to beat around the bush regarding how stupid it was for them to crash an official White House event. And then maybe tried to crash another one earlier this week. I can't wait for the two of them to appear on "Real Housewives of D.C.," because I really need an inside look at their crazy.

3. Heidi is supposedly leaving Spencer. Why do I smell a spin-off of "The Hills" brewing?

4. Lindsay Lohan asks Chanel to make her alcohol-monitoring bracelet more of an accessory and less of a court-ordered mandate. Because when you're a young celebrity whose life is in shambles, why not try to make a sign of your addiction just another pretty bauble? That seems logical, really.

5. A variety of studies show that today's college students are less empathetic than previous generations. Oh, so all the technology and drinking and the lack of a draft have made people care less about conflict and others' emotions? Huh. Who would have fucking thunk.

Anyway, seriously, fuck these guys. I hope this picture is an example of the two passing a communicable disease or something. One which causes them to lose to the Suns ...


+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted, Zimbio

Lamé AND mesh?!

Why do I like these so much?!

LnA Striped Leggings, $120

They look like prison gear for prostitutes. And yet I can get behind that SO MUCH.

Downsides, though: They are obviously next up on Rihanna and Lilo's wardrobe choices, given their strong aversion to wearing pants. Umm, count Lady Gaga in on that one, too.

But still, I covet - especially from this hilarious angle.


I'm blaming Halloween for this one.

+ Photos courtesy of 80s Purple

TOXIC PARENTS and housewives.

Because I delight in all things trashy, of course I watch "Real Housewives of Atlanta" on Bravo. But I must admit, last night's reunion special - the first of two parts - was actually pretty boring. People's TV Watch nails it pretty much on the head when describing how weirdly uneventful the reunion was, but I'm looking forward to next week's part two, mainly because this preview clip is hilarious.



Michael Lohan, wtf ARE YOU DOING?

Also, that makes this clip between NeNe and Lohan on "The Insider" even funnier.



Oh reality celebrities and fame whores. You are da best.

People understand tattoos last forever, right?

I really, really think tattoo artists in Hollywood have the goofiest jobs, because I'm pretty sure celebrities get the DUMBEST TATTOOS EVER. (Full disclosure: I have tattoos, but no, they are not butterflies/dolphins/hearts/tramp stamps, so yes, I am allowed to judge.)

Anyway, a little while ago my rage began with Scarlett Johansson's tattoo, because it's some ridiculous, glittery, ugly landscape thing that looks straight out of Lisa Frank:


Then Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian get these matching monstrosities this past weekend:


And now Lindsay Lohan apparently has some gaudy, Tinkerbell-esque crap on her arm about stars being allowed to twinkle or something:


Can't people just give this shit a rest? Pull an Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp and start lasering this badness off or something? I feel like I'm constantly reading Bookworms with Ink, but like, with less misspellings and more general stupidity.

+ Photos courtesy of TattooFiles, OMG! Yahoo, CelebSlam

Do you think Maury and Connie actually do it?

Uhhh, so Lilo's dad is going on "Maury" to talk about his daughter's addictions?

I AM THERE. I LOVE ME SOME MAURY. YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! It's the best part of daytime TV.



However, I do feel like Michael Lohan's pleadings (which are more for fame than out of actual concern for Lilo, but still) will fall on deaf ears. Much like how Maury's encouraging words for this overweight kid ...


... probably got transformed into a sandwich and eaten by the Fat Fairy.

Oh yeah, the Fat Fairy - it's this new urban legend I'm starting. Bitch comes in the middle of the night and leaves treats under your pillow.


I'm pushing for Kirstie Alley to get the part.

+ Photos courtesy of Quickblogcast, NY Daily News

My turn to be a Mean Girl.

Oh, Lilo.


Are you just as surprised as I am that you actually showed up to court today? Granted, you were an hour and a half late, but you were there! And check it out, you got probation for all your criminal charges! Yay!

Also, can I borrow that jacket? Not your face, though. That shit is what Halloween scarecrows are made of.

+ Photo courtesy of The Superficial

You know, it's a sad day when Lindsay Lohan ACTUALLY looks like a crackwhore.

Oh, hey, Lilo! What's up? Nothing? Chilling?


Pfft, don't hide your face! We all want to see you!


Oh ... GOD. COVER IT UP. HIDE THAT SHIT!!! My eyes, how they burn, much like your fried hair/acne-dotted face/general unkempt fuckery!

Nightmares will come swiftly tonight, I think.

+ Photos courtesy of Dlisted

PETA would probably protest to all this leather.

This fall's fashion trends - which basically are a return to trashy '90s floral and leather - are good for letting me live out my dreams of looking like Shannen Doherty.


Oh, and for reassuring me that if I bought any of these things, I could always turn tricks on corners if this whole real-world-career thing falls through. YAY! I've always wanted to beg passersby for money in exchange for sexual favors. Thanks, fashion industry. Much love/AIDS to you, friends.

Urban Renewal Leather and Knit Bodycon Dress, $68

Charlotte Ronson Women's Zelda Leather Bootie, $206

Charlotte Ronson Women's Renata Suede Peeptoe Bootie, $176

P.S. Also I feel like all these items are things Lindsay Lohan already owns. Great.


+ Photos courtesy of Glamour, Urban Outfitters, 80s Purple, Faded Youth

Pants.

Bitch, WEAR THEM.

You too, Lilo.



+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo