Back, judgmental, etc.

Breaking my two-week hiatus. You wept while I was away, I know. Don't fret! I'm back! (I'm not wearing black. That would have been too easy.)

Anyway, personally for me, little has changed in these past two weeks; plus, you don't read this blog for my real life, anyway. You just want the snark, and I - being a woman of the people - am about to hit you up. Here, get at it:

1. So Rihanna is going on tour this summer with Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj as her openers. I don't know, I would probably want to see Rihanna live. She has been known to cover M.I.A. - wicked off-key, but still - and I could be down for seeing that:



But like, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj are just such hot messes. One of my friends noted today that Minaj isn't really curvy, she's just kind of fat ... and, yeah. Her bottom-heavyness is impressive.


And Ke$ha is shockingly gross, soo ...


I might pass on all that. Also, I would put money on the fact that Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj have some nasty communicable diseases that could somehow travel through rows of seats and reach me wherever I am, and I'm cool with being healthy. Really, I'm

2. Plus, I have this feeling that one of them, either Rihanna or Ke$ha or Nicki, would wear this. Or one of them would wear it and then they would swap the leggings during the course of the tour.

Thrash Leggings by Tripp NYC, $50

SO TRASHY. I'm beginning to gross myself out. I'll stop.

3. See, the only trashiness I can truly enjoy is the kind offered up by Bravo - and the fact that "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts its second season in a few weeks on May 3. So. Fucking. Excited.



If another table is flipped in public, my life will be fucking complete.

4. And finally, I was pretty bummed that yet again, for another year, Coachella happened and I was not there. I kind of hate festivals - they always seem smelly and icky and like you never have a real relationship or connection with the artist, just with the douche next to you - but I don't know, this year's lineup looked kind of good. Nevertheless, I'm TOTALLY OK with the fact that I therefore missed Jay-Z performing "Young Forever" with Beyonce instead of Mr. Hudson.



Downgrade from this, definitely. Also, did Beyonce borrow those coochie-cutters from Miley Cyrus? My god, woman, you have enough money to invest in some fucking pants.

+ Photos courtesy of The Guardian, Idolator, Karmaloop