Hugh Hefner! Screw in that earpiece and listen up, buddy.

Dear Hugh Hefner,

Last time I checked, you were laying people off like crazy. For example, last September it came out that you were actually firing Playboy bunnies, which is super weird to think about because you have so much vagina laying around that I never thought you'd let any of it go.

But anyway - so the empire's crumbling, no one subscribes to Playboy anymore and "The Girls Next Door" got canceled. And yet, you're ACTUALLY offering Kate Gosselin $400,000 to pose for your mag. Have you finally gone senile? Are all those bleach-blonde whores intravenously feeding you liquid crack? Because that is the DUMBEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

Please use that $400,000 to give me a job as an editorial assistant instead. I'll refill your Viagra bottles for no extra charge.

Respectfully, yet scathingly,

- Me.