What kind of cracked-out fuckery is this? Why does Jason Segel look like he just got off a 12-day drug binge where he sucked off dealers for the best kind of coke in town? And why is Minnie Mouse his No. 1 prostitute?! This picture is fucking with a lot of my childhood memories, let me tell you. And it makes all the puppets in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" suddenly seem totally dirty ...
OK, so ... I'm really in love with Andy Garcia (shown here at the Los Angeles premiere of "Toy Story 3" on June 13) right now.
What is this face? I don't EVEN CARE. This gnocchi-sex scene in "The Godfather III" has made me love the man forever. Pasta AND semi-incestuous sex? It's so disgusting that I'm totally into it.
Oh, and mustaches. I gotta fucking love an unironic 'stache.
P.S. Britney Spears was at the premiere too, and it looks like she fucking just rolled out of bed and went in a nightgown.
To be fair, it's like a nightgown crossed with an ice skating outfit from Tara Lipinski's '90s reign of terror. I mean, at least Britney is wearing a bra (I think). Small victories, people.
+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo Movies, Screenrush.co.uk
First of all, at least the article about you wasn't as bad as the one Hirschberg wrote about Courtney Love, in which she basically insinuated that Love took heroin when she was pregnant with her daughter.
Teaser for Lady Gaga's long-awaited video for "Alejandro" is finally available:
And I must say, she's doing a real Madonna-during-"Evita" thing here, right?
I don't know, something about the severity of that awful bowl cut and the black and white voguing reminded me of it. Oh, it also reminded me of how M.I.A. trash-talked Gaga in that much-discussed interview with the New York Times last week. If you're so inclined, the article pokes holes through M.I.A.'s revolutionary image and includes choice digs about she eats truffle-flavored french fries. It kind of ruined my life/overwhelming love for M.I.A. ... but I do agree with her comment on the woman formerly known as Stefani Germanotta:
"I can't talk about GaGa anymore. All I'll say this, it's upsetting when babies say ga-ga now. It used to be innocent. Now, they're calling her name. You can't really say that GaGa is culturally a change. Madonna was truly unique."
You've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit, right? Universe, just give me a sign that the world isn't out to completely fuck with my brain. I'll take whatever. Really. Anything works. Maybe bring "Law and Order" back from cancellation. I'm sure that would bring balance back to the universe.
Anyway, today's most mind-boggling news tidbits:
1. I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne can play guitar? And Nicki Minaj has a good body? Cut the crap, people. The guitar, corset and (presumably) numerous layers of Spanx aren't fooling anyone.
2. Remember how the theme song for the original "The Karate Kid" was "You're the Best," one of the most fantastically douchey anthems of the '80s? Let me refresh you:
3. Khloe Kardashian might be pregnant. I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, because she has to ensure that she'll end up with Lamar Odom's money somehow - and he already has two other kids, so why not? But like, they've only been married a few months. And Kourtney Kardashian just had a baby - remember how she inflated?
4. Speaking of gold-digging sluts everywhere, Al Gore and his wife Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years together. I don't really know what to say to this, because it's basically a good sign for my boyfriend and all the reasons he doesn't want to get married. I mean, if you're together four decades and even then you can't make it, what's the point? Whomp fucking whomp. Cue Tipper's emotionally induced eating ... right now.
5. Oh, and this picture was created just to make me run from Tipper's fate and forever fear eating ice cream again, right?
"Police arrested more than 70 people on suspicion of selling more than 800 ecstasy tablets as well as LSD and methamphetamine to undercover officers during the rave. Authorities said the confiscated narcotics are being tested to determine whether they were tainted."
So if 70 people were arrested, how many people were fucking there in the first place?! Insanity! Aren't there better things to do in California? Like eat frozen yogurt ...
I always feel so conflicted about these things, especially knowing that something I'm buying is a direct copy of something more expensive that I can't afford. It's kind of depressing. I mean, really, it just makes me upset that I don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on a ring. Yup, that's the superficially materialistic long and short of it.
"In light of ongoing delays in the setting of a start date for filming ‘The Hobbit,’ I am faced with the hardest decision of my life. After nearly two years of living, breathing and designing a world as rich as Tolkien’s Middle Earth, I must, with great regret, take leave from helming these wonderful pictures."
Tears. Spasms of grief. Ever since del Toro, who I will forever love because of "Pan's Labyrinth" and "The Devil's Backbone" and yes, even "Blade II," signed on with "The Hobbit," I literally squealed with fangirl glee every time I thought about it. So ... my sadness is fairly high. Pathetically high, sure, but also FAIRLY HIGH.
You know, these pictures of del Toro and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson mean nothing now.
Where's my fucking Kleenex?! And my box set of "Lord of the Rings?" I now have something to do after this "Law and Order" marathon is over.
I have always felt like Ciara is trying to claw her way to the top of the R&B heap, and I feel like if she could, she would rip out Rihanna's eyeballs and eat them for breakfast.
But in terms of just straight-out fucking crazy, Kelis wins, right? Watch these three videos: Rihanna does the whole fake lesbian thing with "Te Amo," Ciara astounds with her ability to booty-pop in "Ride" and Kelis ... well, bitch is just insane. I get that her and Nas just got their divorce finalized, but he is supposed to pay $44,000 a MONTH in child support! I feel like when you're sitting on that kind of money, you shouldn't be in this fucking weird. The world doesn't need another Lady Gaga.
Despite the fact that you are a three-day endeavor, I am not excited about your existence. Mainly because you allowed the following abominations of nature to happen. Let me explain.
Elaborately,
- Me.
1. Miley Cyrus again claims she doesn't listen to pop music, this time wrapped in an interview where she bashes "Glee" but also attempts to convince us that her music is not just "glitz and glamour." "A lot of [pop] songs are super shallow, but this music isn't," she insists of her upcoming album, "Can't Be Tamed."
See, here's where I get confused: I'm pretty sure that dressing like a humongous slut and gyrating onstage to covers of bands you don't know - if she knows who the Runaways are, I will fucking swear off ice cream or something - is "super shallow."
Stupid hypocritical bitch!!
2. And then in MORE Miley-related news, she awkwardly suggests onstage that she's not at all over Nick Jonas. In introducing a song describing their break-up, she goes, "They're always gonna come back together no matter what anyone says or the bad people that try to keep you apart. Surprise surprise, it's about a Jonas brother." Hold the phone, people - I'm pretty sure that her current boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is way better looking than that Jonas kid, but even still. Shame on anyone for dating that trashbox.
... Before she tried to fuck around with Brody Jenner, pissing off LC and basically getting her kicked out of the clique. So it makes sense that she and Heidi, both now scum on LC's shoes, would be teaming up together. Oh, the memories, when they both looked normal ...
4. "Sex and the City 2," which was pretty universally panned by critics, brings in $46.3 million so far after opening Wednesday at midnight. No, I'm not angry that the film didn't make enough money, I'm pissed that it made so much. Seriously, can someone put the crones away?
Like, I'm supposed to believe this was a flashback to when Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie arrived in New York City in the '80s? Oh, OK. I guess leathery and weathered was in back then.
I have a lot of criteria when it comes to buying shoes. And by "a lot of criteria," I mean if they're shiny or have a platform heel or are made by Jeffrey Campbell or in any way would offend my boyfriend, I'd buy them.
But I'm thinking that if a pair of shoes is advertised as being "a great option for ... the hot jeggings trend," that's not a good sign. I mean, firstly, because the shoes look like this:
To ease my pain, mainly because I harbor absurdly affectionate/romantic feelings toward Suns' players Steve Nash and Goran Dragic ...
... I'm going to consider buying dumb shoes. That's not an action I reserve just for horrible post-season losses, but it seems applicable at the moment.
Watching this Suns game. Trying not to throw things at the TV whenever Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest does anything. Literally, wish death upon both of those douches.
Other things pissed me off this week, sure ...
1. Miley Cyrus isn't going to college. Duh, she already knows everything about the way of the world: be a slut and you'll win. Fucking trashbox. And why go to college and pursue higher education when that worked out so well for other pop stars, like Britney Spears?
... Oh, right. She looks like that now. Oops. I DO wish this frumpery on Miley Cyrus! Keep being an ignorant hillbilly, you slut!
2. Those stupid Salahis continue to beat around the bush regarding how stupid it was for them to crash an official White House event. And then maybe tried to crash another one earlier this week. I can't wait for the two of them to appear on "Real Housewives of D.C.," because I really need an inside look at their crazy.
Anyway, seriously, fuck these guys. I hope this picture is an example of the two passing a communicable disease or something. One which causes them to lose to the Suns ...
Who the fuck was letting these women out of the house and to the "Night of Fashion & Technology with LG Mobile Phones" in Los Angeles on Monday? (That seems like the stupidest, most contrived event ever, or at least this week, but still.)
But really, Jessica Simpson's breasts are sagging like all hell, and she's wearing wings on her hips. This is helping her insistence that she's a size 4 how, exactly?
I know that Katharine McPhee's top and capri pants are both from designer Alice + Olivia, but she looks like an Old Navy mannequin working corners in Las Vegas with that overly shiny get-up.
And Rashida Jones's blouse, jeans and fringed boots all look like they're fighting for possession of her body and can't decide who's going to win the bout. It's fucking May in L.A. Why the fuck is ANYONE wearing suede boots and tight long jeans? Oh, and it's pathetic that her muumuu-like shirt is the most in-season apparel she's got on. Wear a dress, woman!
... OK, just not Anna Kendrick's dress. No one is attending a funeral here, it's a party held by a cell phone company. Shit ain't that serious.
You know, I think it's pretty interesting that Kat Von D, well-known fan of crazy hair colors and vagina-flashing leggings (and apparently strange posed pictures with Nick Cannon) ...
... looks better than most other people at E!'s 20th birthday bash Monday at the London Hotel in West Hollywood. Especially when compared to Kelly Rowland, who used to be in Destiny's Child and made millions of dollars with one of the hottest girl-groups ever and yet can't seem to wear a suit that doesn't make her look like a fucking pile of vomit some kid threw up after eating too much Halloween candy.
And don't make a face, we've all done it. All fat kids are the same! It's our life's burden - we cry, eat, repeat. It's a system.
I haven't updated in a while, so I've had a few weeks to gather an array of stupid things to barrage you with. Seriously, so dumb/gross/both.
1. Sephora is selling a lotion made of goat's milk - yup, "Goat Milk Body Lotion" is going for $32 a bottle. I know us women-folk do a lot of weird stuff to ourselves, like rub eggs in our hair and dead babies on our faces (I think I'm joking about that), but how is it at all appealing to slather the milk of a goat all over yourself? Also, it's getting lots of positive reviews on Sephora's website. Crazy bitches! What's next, something else totally random like hippo saliva? I'm calling patent on that shit.
2. Designer Anzevino & Florence has created a garment called the "Women's Air Mattress," and it's being sold for $350. Oh, and it looks like this.
Yeah, I'll pass. And so should EVERY OTHER PERSON. I don't think it's a good idea to buy an article of clothing that is named after a PUFFY, THICK MAT that you sleep on. Somehow, I think that might send the wrong message to people you're trying to impress/sleep with. "Want to lay on me? I'm wearing a dress/coat called the 'Air Mattress'" just doesn't seem that fucking ladylike.
4. USA Today interviews Jake Gyllenhaal about his upcoming flick, "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time," and writes a thought-provoking expose (heavy, heavy sarcasm there) about how hard it was for him to master a British accent. Really? Because ancient Persians DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE BRITISH ACCENTS, YOU ASSHOLES. I love how not once in the story there's a line like, "Hey readers, by the way, everyone starring in this movie has British accents just because they all happen to be British in real life, not because the people who lived in this ancient culture we're raping to create our stupid movie actually had voices like that."
And maybe another line saying something like, "Also, whomever is taking part in the creation of this film is a huge ignorant dickbag." At least that would be objective.
5. OK, and this last one is just disgust toward myself, not the rest of the world: The winner of this season's "The Biggest Loser" lost 264 pounds over the course of the show. Seriously? And my fat ass can't get off the couch to go to the gym because yet another episode of "Law and Order" that I've probably seen anyway is on TV? Ugh ... so much self-hate! How about if I say I was abused as a child, will that make it OK? (That was probably too soon. Whomp whomp.)
But since his death, she seems to be coping nicely and raising their daughter Matilda pretty lovingly - how fast Matilda has grown up has really thrown me off; here's them in 2009.
But anyway, Williams is starring in a movie with Ryan Gosling way later this year, "Blue Valentine," and is showing up to events looking like this (while promoting the film at Cannes Film Festival this past week):
And this (at the amFAR Cinema Against AIDS Gala, also at Cannes):
I'd like that haircut, those dresses and shoes and the affectionate embrace she seems to be sharing with Gosling, please (they're not dating, but still). Plus, the kind of strength to go through what happened with Ledger and keep on living is also pretty respectable. Props, lady. Especially when hot messes like Lindsay Lohan are still on the loose. Bitch is crazy! Williams is not. It's refreshing, I promise.
+ Photos courtesy of Zimbio, OMG! Yahoo, GoFugYourself
It's getting to feel like summer here in Maryland, which makes sense since a. it's almost Memorial Day, the official beginning of the season, and b. Montgomery County seems to be built on a fucking humongous swamp whose main goal is to ruin my hair and make-up and general happiness. And while I live in Prince George's County, it's MoCo's neighbor and the weather often likes to take a shit on my life. Thanks, humidity.
So while I know that I will sweat through whatever I wear (I know, I'm real classy like that) these upcoming few months, I can't help but buy into marketing and totally want these dresses from Jeremy Scott. Part of his "Flintstones"-inspired line, they basically make me want to grab a club and throw a bone in my hair and go inflict damage on some mosquitoes. Fuck those little bitches.
I've already blogged about the shoes in the last picture. Of course I want them. If you're surprised by that, don't read this blog; it won't suit you. Are you a mosquito? Go fuck yourself.
