PLEASE BE OVER WORKDAY

SO CLOSE. to the weekend.

All I plan on doing this weekend is organizing my makeup and watching "The X-Files," because BBC America shows reruns of them and it's the middle of the second season and HOLY CRAP so much stuff happens that season, mainly including Dana Scully/Gillian Anderson looking like a total babe:


... while often rocking shoulder pads.


Amazing.

Anyway, I digress. Here's the rundown of daily crap to get you into the weekend:

1. Jimmy Fallon gets his own Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, featuring "vanilla bean ice cream, fudge-covered potato chip clusters, all with a salty caramel swirl." First, that sounds gross; I don't want chips in my ice cream because I'm not Homer fucking Simpson. Secondly, when did Jimmy Fallon become such a foodie? Does NBC really have no one else to pimp out that they are able to get him on his own episode of "Top Chef" AND he somehow gets an ice cream flavor? I'm single-handedly helping ice cream sales soar during the recession (OK, a lot of other people are being fat too, but still) and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any goddamn recognition. Where are my "Top Chef" cronies at?

2. "Blade Runner" may get a sequel or a prequel, brought to you by Alcon Entertainment, the same producers who created "The Blind Side" and "The Book of Eli" - which BOTH SUCKED. The company has bought the rights and are bouncing around ideas, and I hope that during this process, they somehow manage to all die. What the fuck, guys? There are already 27 movie sequels coming out this year, more than any other year ever, and now you have to ruin the best character Harrison Ford ever played? Yeah, I said it. Deckard > Han Solo. Eat it.

3. I'm thinking about grad school in the fall, and I had considered going to Northwestern University before realizing it was a. too expensive and b. too far away. HOW HAPPY AM I to find out that I effectively avoided seeing a woman get pleasured by her boyfriend in front of a class. Uh, yeah. He used a sex toy on her as part of a human sexuality discussion. I remember when I was in college, state delegates got pissed because a student group considered showing a porn film on campus. I'm sure those same Republicans would lose their shit if they realized some chick was getting off in front of students as part of their curriculum. Keep it classy, Wildcats.

4. If you're bored, feel free to read the reviews I wrote this week, of "Beastly" and "The Adjustment Bureau." I will finally acknowledge that Vanessa Hudgens is hot (especially at the Oscars after-party earlier this week; plz click through the whole slideshow because it's hilarious), but holy shit "Beastly" sucks. Girl, you dumb.

+ EDIT: My needy roommate would like me to tell the world that she passed along the Northwestern story to me, and I otherwise wouldn't have known about the lady that played with a sex toy in front of class. Am I trying to keep our love a secret? Maybe.

+ Photos courtesy of fucknoshoulderpads.tumblr.com (a blog specifically dedicated to Scully's outfits!) and forums.comicbookresources.com

Blergh.

A rapid rundown of things you should know about today:

1. I reviewed "Drive Angry" in 3-D, which came out last week and was pretty terrible. Why Nicolas Cage, why? How are you still bankrupt? Oh right because your most recent film was "Season of the Witch," which sucked a huge one but somehow made a profit. Because people are dumb. Really, really dumb.

2. SO DUMB, IN FACT, that George Lucas is going to release "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3-D in 2012. What have we done as a people to deserve such terribleness? Baz Luhrmann shooting "The Great Gatsby" in 3-D wasn't enough, we now have to suffer the terror of Jar-Jar swinging his dopiness around all screen, REALLY CLOSE to my face? Great. Thanks George Lucas. I hope Skywalker Ranch erupts into Waco-like flames.

3. Lastly, my favorite part of today came when Mos Def called out Usher's and Justin Bieber's weird, vaguely incestuous, kind of creepy mentorship relationship with this perfect tweet: "I heard Justin Bieber has a 10 inch dick, but its in his ass and belongs to Usher." Classy, sir. Classy. It's like this one time my boyfriend showed me a video of Mos Def being all sketchy and high at a record store.



How can you NOT love him? I imagine him and James Franco hanging out all the time, mimicking the high faces Franco made during the Oscars this weekend. So. Fucking. High.

+ EDIT: The boyfriend informs me this can't be Mos Def's real Twitter account, because a. Mos Def is often too high to understand how to use a computer and b. probably can't "type relatively coherent sentences." Fine - but whoever is posing as Mos Def is also hilarious.