Low-budget Angelina Jolie wanna-bes NEED NOT APPLY.

Also - referring to my last post - whenever Katie Couric finally disappears from this Earth (don't worry, I'm working on it), I would really like her to take Megan Fox with her. She's going to be on the next cover of Nylon - this fashion magazine which I kind of love but also kind of hate because of their poor cover choices, like Kristen Stewart and Lily Allen ...



... and I'm really resenting the fact that this will soon be arriving in my mailbox.


I also resent the fact that Fox blabs in all of her interviews about how shocked she is that she's famous: "I think that I'm really overexposed. ... I don't want to be in magazines every week and on the Internet everyday." Bitch, REALLY? Because I'm pretty sure you probably sucked Michael Bay's dick to get where you are today and now enjoy flaunting your body all over both magazines AND the Internet in order to get more attention for yourself. Thankfully, "Jennifer's Body" bombed and only made $6.8 million its first week, but what kind of woman who doesn't want to be noticed constantly makes faces like this?


So, please trick, disappear. No one will miss you. Nerdy fanboys will find another slore to masturbate to, or they'll just return to the original Angelina. Maybe Brian Austin Green would be bummed for a little while, but I'm sure he can find another badly tattooed skank to feel on his dick on public.


In fact, I may just volunteer. He WAS David Silver, after all.

+ Photos courtesy of Access Hollywood, Just Jared, Dlisted, Celebrity Catch

Can't Justin Timberlake and Christopher Walken just switch off from week to week?

I've already planned that my 11:30 p.m. to 1 p.m. time-slot on Saturday, Sept. 26 will be free. Because the idea of watching the "Saturday Night Live" season premiere with Megan Fox is just too much to bear. Let's be real - it's just going to be Andy Samberg panting over how hot she is the entire time.


And really, I've seen enough of this janky, slutty-rific face for a lifetime. Or at least until the end of year.

+ Photo courtesy of Salon

Teens shouldn't have choices!

... You know why? Because they give awards to things like "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" (Choice Movie Action Adventure); "27 Dresses" (Choice Movie Chick Flick); Megan Fox (Choice Summer Movie Star Female); Tom Welling (Choice TV Actor Action Adventure) who stars in "Smallville," which I didn't even know was still on the air; Ryan Sheckler (Choice Male Action Sports Athlete); Bo, the Obama family's dog (Choice Celebrity Pet); and Honor Marie Warren, Jessica Alba's daughter (Choice Celebrity Baby).

So ... I reiterate. Teenagers shouldn't be given the power of making decisions, because they give awards to dogs, babies and Megan Fox. That's all equally idiotic, I think.

Also stupid: the following five people, who were definitely the worst dressed of the night. Surprisingly, Fergie (who often knowingly does this in public) is not on this list. Shocking, I know.

+ Kristen Bell, who was so fantastic on the short-lived "Veronica Mars" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," should not wear jumpsuits. Because no one should wear jumpsuits. Ever.


+ After "Gilmore Girls" went off the air in 2007, Alexis Bledel has done little except play a whore in "Sin City" and amuse prepubescents in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" films. She stars in the upcoming film "Post Grad," but someone who used to be a model should know better than to wear a reject '80s prom dress that looks discarded from the costume closet of "The Wedding Singer" or something.


+ Kat Von D looked fine like this.

Yes, she was getting a little curvier (although this shit is stupendously unflattering), but there wasn't a need to (theoretically) go on a coke binge, bleach her hair and end up like this, was there?


Because, ew. Trick eat a sandwich!

+ IMDB tells me that Keana Texeira has been on seven episodes of some TLC show called "REAL SIMPLE. REAL LIFE," was "rock-throwing girl" in "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" and will appear in two films - "Jelly" and "A Woman Called Job" - later this year, neither of which seems like it will get her any more name-recognition. So, one, why was she invited to this shindig, and two, does she have some kind of evil stepmother that tore up her dress before she left the house? Did she get caught in an elevator? Did a mob accost her before she showed up on the red carpet? WHAT CAUSED THIS AWFUL TORE-UP-FROM-THE-FLOOR-UP CONDITION?!


+ Dear Kristen Stewart,

Wash. Your. Fucking. Face.

Spitefully,

Me.


P.S. Tell Robert Pattinson I love him.


+ Photos courtesy of Yahoo, Bella Sugar, The Associated Press, Stupid Celebrities